Maybe..
Maybe I'm too nice for my own good. Maybe I'm too stupid to stand up for myself. Maybe I should learn to voice my opinions and concerns. Maybe I shouldn't doubt myself so much.
By too nice for my own good I mean, really. My whole life I've taken a lot of shit and it collectively piles because I just can never find the words or the right person to talk to it all about. Sure I can tell a person here or there about some things, but I can't just tell one person everything from fear of judgement. My whole life is lived in fear. I used to be able to talk to my brother but because of an incident involving his friend sexually harassing me we can hardly speak anymore and I just really miss him a lot.
The other night I hit my explode level when a friend of mine made a comment that was just like a knife cutting through my heart. It just took everything that was building up and tore my heart apart and so I walked off. I had no attentions of pulling a stunt of another person but the whole time I was worrying about what everyone else was thinking. "Do they think I'm a bitch because I walked away and couldn't talk?" "Are they letting my bad night ruin their chances for a good night?" I don't want anyone to worry about me. I really don't. I've handled a lot of my situations on my own. I didn't tell anyone about the sexual harassment until it was too late to do anything about it in fear that what happened, would happen. And it did. I lost my brother. I lost the person I felt like I could talk to and wouldn't go report to my parents or place an unjust judgement.
And maybe I'm just too stupid to stand up for myself because if I didn't just keep my mouth shut and didn't just take things to heart so much I wouldn't have all this build up. It's the little things that hurt most of all. I can try to deal with the big things. It's just the little things people say that hurt you the worst. Kind of like a paper cut. That hurts worse then a deep wound.
I feel like I can't voice my opinions to anyone because I feel like they really don't want to hear them or they really just don't care what I have to say or what I think. For the biggest part I just keep my mouth shut or try to atleast. I really don't talk about a lot of important issues in my life to anyone. My parents don't even know me. You could ask them and they would tell you they don't know anything about me. They only know a couple of my friends.
I feel pretty non-existant. Like if I just slipped off into the shadows and never came back, would anyone even notice.
And no this is not a note of suicide because I've been there and I know what it does to people because no matter how much I don't think anyone cares right now. Deep down I know someone does and I couldn't have them come sit in the hospital because of me all night.
Even if the other night I just broke down into tears and screamed out for god to strike me with lightning. I really just don't know. I'm confused a lot right now. And all I can do is sort them out inside my own mind because I am so damn stubborn and independent that I can't just ask someone to help me or I just can't go up to them and ask them for their opinions. Because I know they have problems of their own and I don't need to bog them down with mine. It's not fair to them.
I am like my mother in this sense because she is the same way. She will take shit and she can't stand up for herself.
It sucks living life like a living doormat.
Well now that I've somewhat ranted yet still not let anyone know anything about whats really going inside my mind it's time to go. For my stomach is growling and I really want something to eat.
By too nice for my own good I mean, really. My whole life I've taken a lot of shit and it collectively piles because I just can never find the words or the right person to talk to it all about. Sure I can tell a person here or there about some things, but I can't just tell one person everything from fear of judgement. My whole life is lived in fear. I used to be able to talk to my brother but because of an incident involving his friend sexually harassing me we can hardly speak anymore and I just really miss him a lot.
The other night I hit my explode level when a friend of mine made a comment that was just like a knife cutting through my heart. It just took everything that was building up and tore my heart apart and so I walked off. I had no attentions of pulling a stunt of another person but the whole time I was worrying about what everyone else was thinking. "Do they think I'm a bitch because I walked away and couldn't talk?" "Are they letting my bad night ruin their chances for a good night?" I don't want anyone to worry about me. I really don't. I've handled a lot of my situations on my own. I didn't tell anyone about the sexual harassment until it was too late to do anything about it in fear that what happened, would happen. And it did. I lost my brother. I lost the person I felt like I could talk to and wouldn't go report to my parents or place an unjust judgement.
And maybe I'm just too stupid to stand up for myself because if I didn't just keep my mouth shut and didn't just take things to heart so much I wouldn't have all this build up. It's the little things that hurt most of all. I can try to deal with the big things. It's just the little things people say that hurt you the worst. Kind of like a paper cut. That hurts worse then a deep wound.
I feel like I can't voice my opinions to anyone because I feel like they really don't want to hear them or they really just don't care what I have to say or what I think. For the biggest part I just keep my mouth shut or try to atleast. I really don't talk about a lot of important issues in my life to anyone. My parents don't even know me. You could ask them and they would tell you they don't know anything about me. They only know a couple of my friends.
I feel pretty non-existant. Like if I just slipped off into the shadows and never came back, would anyone even notice.
And no this is not a note of suicide because I've been there and I know what it does to people because no matter how much I don't think anyone cares right now. Deep down I know someone does and I couldn't have them come sit in the hospital because of me all night.
Even if the other night I just broke down into tears and screamed out for god to strike me with lightning. I really just don't know. I'm confused a lot right now. And all I can do is sort them out inside my own mind because I am so damn stubborn and independent that I can't just ask someone to help me or I just can't go up to them and ask them for their opinions. Because I know they have problems of their own and I don't need to bog them down with mine. It's not fair to them.
I am like my mother in this sense because she is the same way. She will take shit and she can't stand up for herself.
It sucks living life like a living doormat.
Well now that I've somewhat ranted yet still not let anyone know anything about whats really going inside my mind it's time to go. For my stomach is growling and I really want something to eat.