(no subject)
it's amazing that no matter how tired I am I can't seem to bring myself to fall sleep at a decent hour. My head is full of thoughts that are completly out of my control. I have so much going on in my life right now yet I find that nothing is really changing. I go to class and i see these 23 year olds who are buying houses and driving nice cars and I think to myself...Did I just waste 6 years of my life? These people have no degrees of any sort but they made it work for them. Why have i just spent 6 years of my life doing something that I HATED when i could have made it work without a degree all along? But then I think to myself that I really have never had that motivation in myself to push myself to the next level and I would probably still be cashiering at Target anyway. I wouldn't trade the experience that I had in college for anything....but was it worth it? was it worth spending 6 years of my life on? Why didn't I just go to OCC for two years and get a associates in medical technology. now THERE is a career to go into you make good money of the bat and you can go in so many directions with it! Where was this knowledge of other options 6 years ago. Do we have to go through the college experience and fuck up to realize what we should have done all along? If so then the whole high school guidance councelor thing is bull shit. Who lets people spend over 50 grand on an education that really isnt going to help them much anyway? Thats fucked up. I know that haveing a degree helps people find better paying jobs. The only think about that though is really that only applies to places like department stores and stuff like that. Anywhere else wants experience, internships, RELEVANT classes! I realize that my livejournals have been pretty hard core lately but this is the shit that I want to look back on when I'm rich and successful for a good laugh. Sometimes I just feel like I lose control of my emotions. Somedays I feel depressed and dont want to come out of my room because I miss having my independance from my parents. Then others I can't get enough of seeing my family. I miss Justin like crazy. So much that I piss him off but I hope he knows me well enough to know that my intentions are good. I love him so much. And that another thing. I'm anxious for him to graduate because I want to move on with my life. I want to be out of this horrible stage of my life and I want to get engaged and get married and have a real life. I know that that is pretty far in the future and it kills me sometimes because i just want to skip the now and fast forward to a better time. I dont want to have to struggle to find a job or work at a job that I hate just because it's all that's around. that has never been what I wanted. thats why I went into Art instead of something that made more sense. I love art. I didnt want to spend that kind of time on something that I didn't love. I'm not even that good at it but that doesnt even matter to me! Anyways...Recently I've been learning a lot about myself and I can be a very impulsive person emotionally. Sometimes I just need to take a breather and settle down. Anyways....My college experience has truly been pricless. I could never replace the memories I have of my freshman year in Carey Hall running around like college girls gone wild. going dancing 5 out of the 7 nights a week, kissing boys we hardly knew. Living with Justin which has taught me so much about how to be a better person and how to love and how to appreciate someone for the little things like a simple caress of the back or cracking of the toes. He has shown me who I dont want to be- as well as who I want to be -and who I am and that is why I love him so much. He has helped me find myself when for a while there I was lost. He is the love of my life and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I would never know that if it weren't for college. i would have never had the opportunity to live with him and realize that even the things that drive me crazy about him....I love more than anything. And obviously college wasnt just about boys but they sure played a big part! It was also about friendships and figuring out which ones would last and which ones wouldnt. Appreciating the friends who understand when you cant always call every week, or visit them. Appreciating the new friends that you take risks on, some of them prove to be bad and others good. But they were all worth it. I realize that I still have like 6 more weeks of school left but I dont feel like a college student anymore. I have a lot of regret for comming home this semester but it's nice to spend more time with Caitlin and see my friends. I think that maybe I wasn;t really ready to let go of that life yet. It's okay though cause I'm starting a new one now and it's going to be just fine....I hope....sorry for the crazy update. I'm real scattered right now and sometimes this is the only outlet.