Things I liked about 05
Mai Otome, Eureka 7, Tsubasa Chronicle, Nanoha Lyrical As.
Okay, got that out of the way.
You ever realize you don't measure up as a person? It's kind of a tough thing. People complain about me twitching and bouncing and generally being a hyperactive guy with ADHD at 26. I'm almost sure it got me into trouble at at least one job. I'd trade my faster comprehension and good gut instincts on matters of memorization for a normalized ability to socialize any day. Seriously. I can't sit still in a classroom for 8 hours a day and learn things which I've already figured out in about half the time as the rest of the class. I try, I really do, but my skin will itch, or I'll feel sleepy, or something. I feel like I live my life permanently on speed.
It really isn't very pleasant, and doesn't seem to go away no matter what I'm medicated with.
Other things that bother me. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself/earn/buy friendship from people. I spend most of my money not on toys I want or investments or savings, but on gifts for other people. I'm disciplined enough so that it's always a cost I can afford, but the truth is I don't feel like I'm being someone much of a friend unless I buy stuff for them. Nobody asks me for things, btw. I constantly try to please others and be as self-effacing as possible, but this doesn't always translate into proper behavior, sometimes I talk too loudly or get too excited about something or babble about something nobody cares about for hours, or I just put off a flat affect and be preoccupied.
I really don't feel like much of a person. I have no very strong convictions or beliefs, and if put to the question couldn't even answer something like do you believe in God. I just try to be kind and understanding and apologize profusely if my behavior offends anyone. I have very limited capacity to stand up for myself, normally because I'm so used to agreeing with someone just to make them stop arguing.
I guess I don't really want a girlfriend. I angst about it occasionally, but I realize I should have my own shit together. And I honestly think that even if I do move out, I won't really have that. I'm spineless in a way that is useful when you're socially awkward, (Which I very much am.) but doesn't lend itself well to presenting a good front to girls, or anyone who isn't presently bullying you for that matter.
The reason I'm always generous and willing to accomodate/roll over for others is I'm clearly aware of just how self-centered I truely am. Which is to say extremely, so I compensate by virtually pandering to other people's needs while they are in my presence, and hope they don't see the self-interest which hides behind every action. I'm not sure how capable I am of noble impulses, but I'm trying to at least make sure I do a job where the first requirement is to help people according to the law.
I also have a lot of free-floating guilt if you haven't noticed.
I'm pissed off because I think I should be better, and when I try to be better I seem to only get halfway there. I want to live a normal life as a normal slob, minus the beer and plus anime. It's all I aspire to. I have no desire to change the world. Maybe chuckle a little if it blows itself up, and then cry.
Is middle class slobdom too much to ask from myself? I think not. But I don't know.
Another thing that gets me is how much time I spend pissing friends off, because I'm so anal about scheduling things and gaming and the like. I can't really do spontaneity or changes of plans well, I think that's the selfishness showing through, there. I always back down when someone calls me on it, and while I may passively ask for something to be done I never go out of my way to enforce my will on the group of friends I have, instead I generally grudging agree with whatever they're doing and end up having a decent, if not great time of it.
It bothers me that I'm the worst human being among my group of buddies, though. I'm going to go curl up all fetal and sleep now.
I wish I could find more flaws in myself, if I list them maybe I could fix them. Or maybe I'd just let them beat me. I really -don't- know.
I think this year I'll take the baby step of my own place assuming I can keep my job. After that I'll have to see how things play out.
I wonder sometimes if there's anything worthy of respect about me. I respect myself in one way, I try not to delude myself into thinking I'm anything better than what I am. Lying to myself would be... dumb. This doesn't mean I don't care about myself, that I do things that are consciously self-destructive or against my better interests, I don't do that stuff, but I really don't think very much of me. If I've done good in this world I certainly can't see it. I mostly piss people off then apologize with expensive gifts, generally relatively well catered to what they like.
I can't protect anyone. I guess that's why I'll never be a martial artist, according to al. I can't use what I learn for anything other than exercise. The best I can do is semi-support someone and listen, and even then I end up questioning my motives.
I don't need someone to tell me it'll be okay. But if I'm being too hard on myself and neglecting positive traits about myself, well, name a few, because most of the ones I've thought of are tainted by some degree of self-interest or bad motivations.
I foresee a pretty sad future for myself. At best, I'll be a lonely, liked but not well-liked guy on the outskirts of various social groups, working relatively easy hours for a reasonable wage and coming home to a flickering computer screen where I entertain myself until it's time to work out and sleep. I'll continue to avoid women and have a few close male friends, all of whom will begin to drift away as they get married or get involved with their kids. I'll be that single guy who everyone enjoys being around, who may even get invited to stuff, but who nobody really gives much thought to. In the end I'll look over at my sister, who'll no doubt have a husband and an advancing career and realize just that much more how colorless and grey my life is by retrospect.
I'll die alone, maybe my sister's family will be there for me, but most likely not. Hopefully I'll have socked enough away that I'll be reasonably well cared for in my old age, but I expect to be destitute and dependent on a government which by that time will have even more minimal programs in place for seniors. My writing will lie fallow and in the end I'll be sitting in a chair regretting what might have been if I'd shown courage and reached for something with my own hands just once. But I'm not that kind of person.
When I die, I'll die with desperate faith, or doubting an afterlife, and so terrified that I'll be weeping.
Bedtime. Enough dark thoughts for one day. I can be discouraged tomorrow too.
Okay, got that out of the way.
You ever realize you don't measure up as a person? It's kind of a tough thing. People complain about me twitching and bouncing and generally being a hyperactive guy with ADHD at 26. I'm almost sure it got me into trouble at at least one job. I'd trade my faster comprehension and good gut instincts on matters of memorization for a normalized ability to socialize any day. Seriously. I can't sit still in a classroom for 8 hours a day and learn things which I've already figured out in about half the time as the rest of the class. I try, I really do, but my skin will itch, or I'll feel sleepy, or something. I feel like I live my life permanently on speed.
It really isn't very pleasant, and doesn't seem to go away no matter what I'm medicated with.
Other things that bother me. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself/earn/buy friendship from people. I spend most of my money not on toys I want or investments or savings, but on gifts for other people. I'm disciplined enough so that it's always a cost I can afford, but the truth is I don't feel like I'm being someone much of a friend unless I buy stuff for them. Nobody asks me for things, btw. I constantly try to please others and be as self-effacing as possible, but this doesn't always translate into proper behavior, sometimes I talk too loudly or get too excited about something or babble about something nobody cares about for hours, or I just put off a flat affect and be preoccupied.
I really don't feel like much of a person. I have no very strong convictions or beliefs, and if put to the question couldn't even answer something like do you believe in God. I just try to be kind and understanding and apologize profusely if my behavior offends anyone. I have very limited capacity to stand up for myself, normally because I'm so used to agreeing with someone just to make them stop arguing.
I guess I don't really want a girlfriend. I angst about it occasionally, but I realize I should have my own shit together. And I honestly think that even if I do move out, I won't really have that. I'm spineless in a way that is useful when you're socially awkward, (Which I very much am.) but doesn't lend itself well to presenting a good front to girls, or anyone who isn't presently bullying you for that matter.
The reason I'm always generous and willing to accomodate/roll over for others is I'm clearly aware of just how self-centered I truely am. Which is to say extremely, so I compensate by virtually pandering to other people's needs while they are in my presence, and hope they don't see the self-interest which hides behind every action. I'm not sure how capable I am of noble impulses, but I'm trying to at least make sure I do a job where the first requirement is to help people according to the law.
I also have a lot of free-floating guilt if you haven't noticed.
I'm pissed off because I think I should be better, and when I try to be better I seem to only get halfway there. I want to live a normal life as a normal slob, minus the beer and plus anime. It's all I aspire to. I have no desire to change the world. Maybe chuckle a little if it blows itself up, and then cry.
Is middle class slobdom too much to ask from myself? I think not. But I don't know.
Another thing that gets me is how much time I spend pissing friends off, because I'm so anal about scheduling things and gaming and the like. I can't really do spontaneity or changes of plans well, I think that's the selfishness showing through, there. I always back down when someone calls me on it, and while I may passively ask for something to be done I never go out of my way to enforce my will on the group of friends I have, instead I generally grudging agree with whatever they're doing and end up having a decent, if not great time of it.
It bothers me that I'm the worst human being among my group of buddies, though. I'm going to go curl up all fetal and sleep now.
I wish I could find more flaws in myself, if I list them maybe I could fix them. Or maybe I'd just let them beat me. I really -don't- know.
I think this year I'll take the baby step of my own place assuming I can keep my job. After that I'll have to see how things play out.
I wonder sometimes if there's anything worthy of respect about me. I respect myself in one way, I try not to delude myself into thinking I'm anything better than what I am. Lying to myself would be... dumb. This doesn't mean I don't care about myself, that I do things that are consciously self-destructive or against my better interests, I don't do that stuff, but I really don't think very much of me. If I've done good in this world I certainly can't see it. I mostly piss people off then apologize with expensive gifts, generally relatively well catered to what they like.
I can't protect anyone. I guess that's why I'll never be a martial artist, according to al. I can't use what I learn for anything other than exercise. The best I can do is semi-support someone and listen, and even then I end up questioning my motives.
I don't need someone to tell me it'll be okay. But if I'm being too hard on myself and neglecting positive traits about myself, well, name a few, because most of the ones I've thought of are tainted by some degree of self-interest or bad motivations.
I foresee a pretty sad future for myself. At best, I'll be a lonely, liked but not well-liked guy on the outskirts of various social groups, working relatively easy hours for a reasonable wage and coming home to a flickering computer screen where I entertain myself until it's time to work out and sleep. I'll continue to avoid women and have a few close male friends, all of whom will begin to drift away as they get married or get involved with their kids. I'll be that single guy who everyone enjoys being around, who may even get invited to stuff, but who nobody really gives much thought to. In the end I'll look over at my sister, who'll no doubt have a husband and an advancing career and realize just that much more how colorless and grey my life is by retrospect.
I'll die alone, maybe my sister's family will be there for me, but most likely not. Hopefully I'll have socked enough away that I'll be reasonably well cared for in my old age, but I expect to be destitute and dependent on a government which by that time will have even more minimal programs in place for seniors. My writing will lie fallow and in the end I'll be sitting in a chair regretting what might have been if I'd shown courage and reached for something with my own hands just once. But I'm not that kind of person.
When I die, I'll die with desperate faith, or doubting an afterlife, and so terrified that I'll be weeping.
Bedtime. Enough dark thoughts for one day. I can be discouraged tomorrow too.