sometimes words spill out of my head and it makes a big ol mess.
its weird, everytime i walk a dog at the animal shelter i feel myself more and more compelled to stay. i take dogs out for walks, and each time i come back to bring them in the kennel all i can do is look at all those eyes gazing upon me. by the second dog, they usually know that im there to walk them, and each time i come back they whimper and jump and go crazy just a bit more. when i have to leave, i find myself saddened that i couldnt get more of them outside that day. i close my eyes and imagine being that one dog i that not very many ppl like. its ugly, it acts aggressive or fearful or whatnot so adoptees and volunteers alike avoid it. and there it sits in a 3X7 cage day in, day out. i imagine that their mental condition deteriorates further and they slowly give up the will to live.
being at the animal shelter sometimes is like working at a nursing home. its like all i can do sometimes is make sure that they are as comfortable as they can be before being put down because someone didnt want them. it makes my eyes well everytime i think about it.
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that in the infinite bullshit of the world that i'm still making a difference. im not building a school, or preaching a gospel or saving starving africans, but i feel like for once i can do something to actually help, and to help my fellow animals. its not much, but its a start.
i also have to stop getting so attached to the dogs with with awful medical problems. there was a merle queensland mix that was 2 years old with juvenile glaucoma. reading up on the matter brought to my attention how costly this kind of medical treatment would be and that it is often a lifetime matter. i wanted her so badly, just so she could have a buddy through her years and so that i could take care of her.
so i half-watched this movie this weekend called the great buck howard starring collin hanks and john malkovich. malkovich plays this out of date magician that still thinks he has it and is a total jerk (surprise, surprise) and collin plays as a recent law school drop out that ends up working for buck howard to make money while he writes (of which he doesnt do very much of). he does this in an attempt to direct his life as he chooses as opposed to become a lawyer like his dad has pressured him to do his whole life. its a surprisingly charming and touching movie, esp the end which i wont give away, but there was a part in the movie that i really connected with.
its where he is opening up to a girl that also is employed by buck about why he took this path.
"Look, I'll admit I have no idea what I'm doing, and obviously I've got to quit this job and figure it out, but I'm trying, and it feels good. It feels like what I'm supposed to do, you know?"
"Oh, come on. You're not supposed to do anything. Life is not magical like that, okay? No one is supposed to do anything."
"How do you know that?"
"Cause it boils down to the same thing for everyone, from Buck Howard to Meryl Streep to you. Most creative people, they just want the world to love and adore them, which is infantile."
"Okay, all right. Maybe I'm naive, but life is short, you know? I mean, someday we're not gonna be here. And if that's the case, I want to spend the time that I have doing something that makes my heart race. I don't care what that says about me, It's how I feel."
for a long portion of my life ive been afraid to be who i am. sure, even tho some of us are more guarded than others, i still show my true self here and there, but ultimately ive found i try very hard to conform to whoever im nearest. my mannerisms take on theirs, and i say and do things usually explicit to being around them. im a social chameleon. ive found that by doing this tho i have inadvertantly made myself unhappy by being who i am and want to be. i repress many things i want to say for the sake of posterity whereas in other situations i would be more open.
ive often not wanted to speak about how i really feel about animals. they touch me in a way that most humans have still failed to do so. their innocence, their intellect, and their tenacity are qualities that i feel far surpass humans most times. i care very deeply for dogs, and the joy that one brings me as it stares up at me is exhilerating to say the least. i have a love and respect for them that i can share with very few others.
i dunno, im far from perfect, but im not as bad as i could be. i care about people for reasons they wont understand, and i lie to people to make them feel better. i daydream about things that never were and reminisce on happier and on sadder times. im a huge pervert into degredation and little human contact, but also a cuddle bunny. ive had my falls and triumphs, and i live my life in this cohesive chaos ive created. I don't care what that says about me, It's how I feel
also, my phone broke. like, it WORKS, but the screen will no longer turn on. and considering its a touch phone, its pretty much a brick. and my fuel pump went out recently so its looking like 800 dollars to repair/replace shit. yay.
sorry, i have to pepper my posts with that crap so it doesnt seem TOO serious business, cuz seriously, being serious business sucks balls most of the time. enjoy life as it comes to you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_qq-pgu-So
being at the animal shelter sometimes is like working at a nursing home. its like all i can do sometimes is make sure that they are as comfortable as they can be before being put down because someone didnt want them. it makes my eyes well everytime i think about it.
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that in the infinite bullshit of the world that i'm still making a difference. im not building a school, or preaching a gospel or saving starving africans, but i feel like for once i can do something to actually help, and to help my fellow animals. its not much, but its a start.
i also have to stop getting so attached to the dogs with with awful medical problems. there was a merle queensland mix that was 2 years old with juvenile glaucoma. reading up on the matter brought to my attention how costly this kind of medical treatment would be and that it is often a lifetime matter. i wanted her so badly, just so she could have a buddy through her years and so that i could take care of her.
so i half-watched this movie this weekend called the great buck howard starring collin hanks and john malkovich. malkovich plays this out of date magician that still thinks he has it and is a total jerk (surprise, surprise) and collin plays as a recent law school drop out that ends up working for buck howard to make money while he writes (of which he doesnt do very much of). he does this in an attempt to direct his life as he chooses as opposed to become a lawyer like his dad has pressured him to do his whole life. its a surprisingly charming and touching movie, esp the end which i wont give away, but there was a part in the movie that i really connected with.
its where he is opening up to a girl that also is employed by buck about why he took this path.
"Look, I'll admit I have no idea what I'm doing, and obviously I've got to quit this job and figure it out, but I'm trying, and it feels good. It feels like what I'm supposed to do, you know?"
"Oh, come on. You're not supposed to do anything. Life is not magical like that, okay? No one is supposed to do anything."
"How do you know that?"
"Cause it boils down to the same thing for everyone, from Buck Howard to Meryl Streep to you. Most creative people, they just want the world to love and adore them, which is infantile."
"Okay, all right. Maybe I'm naive, but life is short, you know? I mean, someday we're not gonna be here. And if that's the case, I want to spend the time that I have doing something that makes my heart race. I don't care what that says about me, It's how I feel."
for a long portion of my life ive been afraid to be who i am. sure, even tho some of us are more guarded than others, i still show my true self here and there, but ultimately ive found i try very hard to conform to whoever im nearest. my mannerisms take on theirs, and i say and do things usually explicit to being around them. im a social chameleon. ive found that by doing this tho i have inadvertantly made myself unhappy by being who i am and want to be. i repress many things i want to say for the sake of posterity whereas in other situations i would be more open.
ive often not wanted to speak about how i really feel about animals. they touch me in a way that most humans have still failed to do so. their innocence, their intellect, and their tenacity are qualities that i feel far surpass humans most times. i care very deeply for dogs, and the joy that one brings me as it stares up at me is exhilerating to say the least. i have a love and respect for them that i can share with very few others.
i dunno, im far from perfect, but im not as bad as i could be. i care about people for reasons they wont understand, and i lie to people to make them feel better. i daydream about things that never were and reminisce on happier and on sadder times. im a huge pervert into degredation and little human contact, but also a cuddle bunny. ive had my falls and triumphs, and i live my life in this cohesive chaos ive created. I don't care what that says about me, It's how I feel
also, my phone broke. like, it WORKS, but the screen will no longer turn on. and considering its a touch phone, its pretty much a brick. and my fuel pump went out recently so its looking like 800 dollars to repair/replace shit. yay.
sorry, i have to pepper my posts with that crap so it doesnt seem TOO serious business, cuz seriously, being serious business sucks balls most of the time. enjoy life as it comes to you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_qq-pgu-So