I've decided to take this much the way my favorite ones to follow on my flist have. Not so much just a recitation of things you've heard me say before, but like an atlas to who I am and where I've been. Things you would have to have touched and tasted to have 'traveled to me.'
I. Abandonment.
I have this, even if I don't have a clingy, blind-eyed, terrified tactic to it. In fact my reaction to my abandonment issue is usually a very pointed annoyance of wanting to just be abandoned already, because I know how to heal and get on with my life, and the people I know won't, or couldn't in the same way, and how to be on my own, particularly brilliantly. So it's here, if mostly not a mass focus of my months.
It would be impossible not to with - not having my paternal family for my whole life, my father replacing me with my once upon a time half-sister of the same name at twelve, the loss of my little sister at fifteen, being walked out on by Brent at seventeen, my mother kicking my out of her house for the sake of her marriage right before nineteen, being cheated on by both Phoenix and Billy, at twenty-two and twenty-six, and my father being gone for over a year now while living only fifteen minutes from me in my city.
II. Cockroaches.
We should almost not discuss how this is under a fear. It's not deeply embedded in disgust almost panic that you should picture this not as a terror but as the instant reaction to grab my thickest clog and my biggest can death spray and Making It VeryVeryDeadNow.
There was definitely some minutes of me holding it against my Earl that he wanted me to give up owning (my precious) Death Spray so that I was not MakingHisCatsDead. But we are of 'an understanding' due to his violent dislike of spiders, as well.
This goes back to my childhood and my father's apartments. And some of the creepiest, most embarrassing of childhood memories I have. Believe me when I say, none of that will ever happen to me or anyone I live with or any domicile I stay in.
III. Self-Sufficiency.
I'm not sure this is a large fear or a long one, temporarily, but it is a small, but consistent set of them this last year. Eighth month of temping in the same place, still waiting to hear about full time employment, even if it is looking at least very positively. The kind of positive inclination I've shared with my mom, Steph, Earl My Girl, but little written about.
But I'd really like to be paying all of my bills, more than 1 am now, more like all of my loans at non-income related numbers, my car payment, and more for my house, even if Earl doesn't care. I am doing fine, between my present setup both for serious life!things and misc!funthings, but I'd like to be in more of the kind of economical situation I was in during Korea.
It was very hard to do the ones today. I've been holding at three for half the day, and I think we're going to have to go to small tension-esque-panics or part time worries. Because I can't think of any more really big ones. Even looking over other people's. I don't fear the death of those near me, nor poverty, having been through both on massive scales.
I know they could and would potentially hurt me a lot, but they don't scare me.
IV. Dark Water.
I have a minute endless fret about water I cannot see to the bottom of. This can be blamed both probably on a) watching Jaws when I was far too young to be doing so (I loved to get away with this sort of thing as a child with movies) and b) because all sorts of dangerous things do lurk in the muddy rivers and lakes of Texas. Water moccasins and snapping turtles and all sorts of things.
V. Medical Situations.
I have several of them. The vastness of them can fill several pages in a post. And now and then, far less often than the time I really should give to it, I worry about what happens when or if all the plates that I keep spinning, manage to stop spinning. With several specific parts of it especially.
VI. Being in a taxi in Seoul.
If you haven't been there then I really can't explain it. Even to say the being on the passenger side of the stop-start-sway of a taxi cab involved in the most aggressive driving with the most aggressive crowd of drivers ever, is putting it incredibly lightly. You seriously have to need a cab, before you'll want one.
VII. Burning my house down.
Not Fire or House Fire in general, but seriously doing it myself.
I left a pot boiling eggs on the stove, left the house to run errands and returned to finds the house filled with smoke and scared myself half to death a little over a year ago. I minutely get this fear every time I make hard boiled eggs now. And I have the same tiny fear with candles. Even my huge Yankee jar candles. Even when the wick is like seven inches from the opening, even when if it fell over the most that it could do was drench wax everywhere. I worry.
VIII. Misc.
My terabyte or laptop suddenly dying. Car problems. Figuring out my current Dental Stuff. Money things. Her. How much time my grandmother has left. Great white sharks. Life without Earl. Tempers. Random violence. Saying no. Having to face how much unfairness my life has seen between its thing sleeves. OMG, I forgot -- Army Ants. *shudders in the direction of McGuyver*