People, People and More People
Work
Last week was full of people all over the place. My workdays were filled to the brim with being trained for new things by seemingly everyone on my team. I had between one and three meetings a day every day last week, and two that had to be rescheduled after getting halfway through them even. Oh, authorizations. You will all be mine.
I met with everyone it felt like and a lot of it blurs together into a ribbon of stuff. I'm settling more into the whole belonging to RST thing now. And letting people understand that really I'm nowhere near busy yet. Picking up jobs, learning my last check-off trainings. How to do things. The details. Realizing my foundation work effects pretty much everyone.
It's so big and so grand. I haven't yet had a day where I came home unhappy for being at work. Even Friday, going to work and leaving Hope in my bed was a riotous, laughing, complaining thing, but I still wanted to go to work and I still was happy at work during that day and came home talking about how happy my work made me. Which is so big to me right now.
I'm starting a whole lot of work-appropriate sort of coworker relationships, and there's one girl in the CCS part of my team who I think we're going to become friendly friends who meet and have lunch and discuss books. Which makes me squee a bit.
Yes. So. The other people.
Last week, seriously was broken up into people filling spaces and times.
I count last week’s days in people names more than the days of the week.
Monday
Was all about seeing Kat (evegryffindor), which started out that evening at her university watching the most lolarious version of Hamlet I may have ever seen in my entire life. And it was the first time I'd really, really missed being in university. All the talking and opinions. It was finally talking about the text message she'd left two weeks earlier.
And oh, did that get the ball rolling. Billy really is going to make me regret less and less everything from last year and Kat I just never lose sight of gaining more want to keep her around forever. Needless to say though it was an emotionally havoc-y night for both of us on the Billy front, and a friend front. More her than me on the second.
But it was also the first time Kat had gotten to see me in a long time. Which meant Mini-Christmas had to be hashed, too, and my personal fall-out from it that hadn't stopped anywhere, but seemed to keep lapping like rising water into everything, everywhere.
I got to hear once again someone tell me the sentence I'm learning to pick out with its first three or four words. The "I'm sorry but" sound in any words. The ones that say. Apologetically awkward each time, as if not sure they should overstep. We know how much you love her, but you don't deserve to be going through this.
She was the person I think I said the most telling pre-weekend thing, too. While lying on my bed, amid talking of everything, the way we always do, I said, to Kat and my ceiling It's not that I think it won't go well. I don't think that at all. It's that I'm terrified it will go so astronomically well, that it will give me undo hope about situations it shouldn't. God. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.
I had to sleep early though for work, and I ended up leaving Kat in the capable hands of Earl for the rest of the evening. She was asleep on the couch as I was on my way out the door, like these things happen. And we'll run into each other again as the livejournal and semester and world turns.
Tuesday
Is the official day of the week for Girl Day, with My Girl (sageness). The last two weeks things haven't lined up very well, but then suddenly last week was awesome. And I got to get there early right out of work, because I planned and had my stuff all with me, knocking out the need to hit home. This was a evening full of...stuff.
I don't really remember all of it. It kind of blurs into this blanket of "Not Being Required to Do or Say Anything" and feeling safe. Which is very My Girl. And something I so desperately needed. Someone who'd let me talk and be honest and also just let me be quiet. There was e-mail checking, and she spent a lot of time jotting story notes.
And there was awesome lentil chili/soup thing, because she is the most amazing beautiful cook when it comes to beans and veggies that feel filling and homey and magical. Sturdy foods that do deep work. And I fell in her lap as I was leaving and asked her if everything was going to be okay.
I don't remember her answer, but I remember it being important in my heart that I asked her. Because I don't ask people those sorts of questions. They aren't the phrasing or ownership of things I like. Except that she's My Girl. My Always. And I beyond trust her the most wobbly parts of myself that little others get to see, no less touch in a direct fashion.
Wednesday
I was totally supposed to go to the Opal's house leaving My Girl's house Tuesday night. To pick up the sound file for the Runes class to add to the web group for those not here in person. I headed out of the parking lot headed that way. Made the right turns while driving home. And then thirty minutes later, Mr. Opal called me, waking me up from my having stumbled in a stupor home to hide in my bed and just push out the world.
Which lead to me apologizing like eight or nine times and all three of us talking on the phone with for over an hour. About the problems inherent in the last month in my world, and their recent breakup, and everything that was everything. Because I was headed, even with my mostly hopeful headspace, into a really steeply, deeply still, manic-not!panicking state.
I was irritated with people on Wednesday. I'd already spent over three days with people, that night was supposed to be with the Opals and then the next four days with Hope. And, believe me, when I say, while the growing emotional swings of hope and patience and just acceptance for the coming time problem didn't help -- the irritation on this day didn't have to do with anyone at all specifically.
Just the boxed in feeling of too many people and too many days and no space to breathe by myself, which does happen at times. (And it is, why I'm really not scheduling myself down with anyone this week. Because I'm declaring a recharge zone on my world. Because I'm saner when I have them.)
I went to visit them that night and it was actually really awesome. There was yummy vegetables and Greek spiced pork. Mr. Opal and I worked on Runes journals, and Opal and I talked about all sorts of things from her class. We talked a ton about relationships on all sides of the lines. Other people. Poly-statutes and things that everything breaks down without (half of which I'm aware is reciprocally lacking toward me in my current standing).
People you have to teach. People who are broken. People who are too young. People who choose to be unaware and disrespectful. People in our pasts. The perils of fear and jealousy in others. Trust. Compassion. Communication. I got to explain Monday/Katday. I got a more detailed telling of everything that had fallen out with their girl, with some frowny-face making moments in there.
And things were a little stressful that night, too, because the awesome Opal had to go do some medical stuff that night, so there was needed hugging and lovins. It was a super lovely night, and I still had to turn in early. It's the wonder song of my work now, of being up at six am. Ironically enough, even being there that night for hours, I somehow never ended up with the recorded file for the class either.
I went to bed on this night and to work the next morning a flip-flopping stomach-combination of rattlers and butterflies, because the next night would bring me to Hope's weekend.
Last week was full of people all over the place. My workdays were filled to the brim with being trained for new things by seemingly everyone on my team. I had between one and three meetings a day every day last week, and two that had to be rescheduled after getting halfway through them even. Oh, authorizations. You will all be mine.
I met with everyone it felt like and a lot of it blurs together into a ribbon of stuff. I'm settling more into the whole belonging to RST thing now. And letting people understand that really I'm nowhere near busy yet. Picking up jobs, learning my last check-off trainings. How to do things. The details. Realizing my foundation work effects pretty much everyone.
It's so big and so grand. I haven't yet had a day where I came home unhappy for being at work. Even Friday, going to work and leaving Hope in my bed was a riotous, laughing, complaining thing, but I still wanted to go to work and I still was happy at work during that day and came home talking about how happy my work made me. Which is so big to me right now.
I'm starting a whole lot of work-appropriate sort of coworker relationships, and there's one girl in the CCS part of my team who I think we're going to become friendly friends who meet and have lunch and discuss books. Which makes me squee a bit.
Yes. So. The other people.
Last week, seriously was broken up into people filling spaces and times.
I count last week’s days in people names more than the days of the week.
Monday
Was all about seeing Kat (evegryffindor), which started out that evening at her university watching the most lolarious version of Hamlet I may have ever seen in my entire life. And it was the first time I'd really, really missed being in university. All the talking and opinions. It was finally talking about the text message she'd left two weeks earlier.
And oh, did that get the ball rolling. Billy really is going to make me regret less and less everything from last year and Kat I just never lose sight of gaining more want to keep her around forever. Needless to say though it was an emotionally havoc-y night for both of us on the Billy front, and a friend front. More her than me on the second.
But it was also the first time Kat had gotten to see me in a long time. Which meant Mini-Christmas had to be hashed, too, and my personal fall-out from it that hadn't stopped anywhere, but seemed to keep lapping like rising water into everything, everywhere.
I got to hear once again someone tell me the sentence I'm learning to pick out with its first three or four words. The "I'm sorry but" sound in any words. The ones that say. Apologetically awkward each time, as if not sure they should overstep. We know how much you love her, but you don't deserve to be going through this.
She was the person I think I said the most telling pre-weekend thing, too. While lying on my bed, amid talking of everything, the way we always do, I said, to Kat and my ceiling It's not that I think it won't go well. I don't think that at all. It's that I'm terrified it will go so astronomically well, that it will give me undo hope about situations it shouldn't. God. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.
I had to sleep early though for work, and I ended up leaving Kat in the capable hands of Earl for the rest of the evening. She was asleep on the couch as I was on my way out the door, like these things happen. And we'll run into each other again as the livejournal and semester and world turns.
Tuesday
Is the official day of the week for Girl Day, with My Girl (sageness). The last two weeks things haven't lined up very well, but then suddenly last week was awesome. And I got to get there early right out of work, because I planned and had my stuff all with me, knocking out the need to hit home. This was a evening full of...stuff.
I don't really remember all of it. It kind of blurs into this blanket of "Not Being Required to Do or Say Anything" and feeling safe. Which is very My Girl. And something I so desperately needed. Someone who'd let me talk and be honest and also just let me be quiet. There was e-mail checking, and she spent a lot of time jotting story notes.
And there was awesome lentil chili/soup thing, because she is the most amazing beautiful cook when it comes to beans and veggies that feel filling and homey and magical. Sturdy foods that do deep work. And I fell in her lap as I was leaving and asked her if everything was going to be okay.
I don't remember her answer, but I remember it being important in my heart that I asked her. Because I don't ask people those sorts of questions. They aren't the phrasing or ownership of things I like. Except that she's My Girl. My Always. And I beyond trust her the most wobbly parts of myself that little others get to see, no less touch in a direct fashion.
Wednesday
I was totally supposed to go to the Opal's house leaving My Girl's house Tuesday night. To pick up the sound file for the Runes class to add to the web group for those not here in person. I headed out of the parking lot headed that way. Made the right turns while driving home. And then thirty minutes later, Mr. Opal called me, waking me up from my having stumbled in a stupor home to hide in my bed and just push out the world.
Which lead to me apologizing like eight or nine times and all three of us talking on the phone with for over an hour. About the problems inherent in the last month in my world, and their recent breakup, and everything that was everything. Because I was headed, even with my mostly hopeful headspace, into a really steeply, deeply still, manic-not!panicking state.
I was irritated with people on Wednesday. I'd already spent over three days with people, that night was supposed to be with the Opals and then the next four days with Hope. And, believe me, when I say, while the growing emotional swings of hope and patience and just acceptance for the coming time problem didn't help -- the irritation on this day didn't have to do with anyone at all specifically.
Just the boxed in feeling of too many people and too many days and no space to breathe by myself, which does happen at times. (And it is, why I'm really not scheduling myself down with anyone this week. Because I'm declaring a recharge zone on my world. Because I'm saner when I have them.)
I went to visit them that night and it was actually really awesome. There was yummy vegetables and Greek spiced pork. Mr. Opal and I worked on Runes journals, and Opal and I talked about all sorts of things from her class. We talked a ton about relationships on all sides of the lines. Other people. Poly-statutes and things that everything breaks down without (half of which I'm aware is reciprocally lacking toward me in my current standing).
People you have to teach. People who are broken. People who are too young. People who choose to be unaware and disrespectful. People in our pasts. The perils of fear and jealousy in others. Trust. Compassion. Communication. I got to explain Monday/Katday. I got a more detailed telling of everything that had fallen out with their girl, with some frowny-face making moments in there.
And things were a little stressful that night, too, because the awesome Opal had to go do some medical stuff that night, so there was needed hugging and lovins. It was a super lovely night, and I still had to turn in early. It's the wonder song of my work now, of being up at six am. Ironically enough, even being there that night for hours, I somehow never ended up with the recorded file for the class either.
I went to bed on this night and to work the next morning a flip-flopping stomach-combination of rattlers and butterflies, because the next night would bring me to Hope's weekend.