From the edge
I'm feeling a little more like myself today.
This does not keep morose moments from happening. But it does mean things like, even though I couldn't let myself play or write much last night I finally found a way to joke and talk from the center of me and even though I considered not going seriously for over three hours, I went to Goddess Grove's day last Sunday of the month. And though I felt and looked quite morose in certain moments, I had some clarity sneak into my hours there.
I got to talk to the sister running the day previous to everyone else arriving, so she'd known what I was under, but I didn't really talk about it as openly with anyone else arriving later. So there was a moment during ritual, when we were writing Lammas blessings and she looked at me while explaining it to everyone and said "At least write one. One blessing you are fully minded of being in your life." On the opposite side, we were to write what we still needed to work our hardest for or were waiting to harvest later.
For all of last year, no matter how much I earned or saved, I can at an hour only come up with four true blessings, things that made my heart and soul happy then, I can count being in my life for those fourteen months. I cannot even count how many things I desperately wanted then.
But in the space of four minutes, writing about the blessings and fruitions of my life between Imbolc (February) and Lammas (July), I wrote eighteen blessings. And only stopped because I ran out of paper to write on. And when I turned the paper over, I could only come up with one thing to write. Anything else was only a symptom of the first. This --
I am not happy tonight. But I am not unhappy either. I'm somewhere in the grey recovering space between, but a little more aware of, as my quote said, the things I have vastly 'undervalued' for forty-eight hours when in comparison to the single one on the opposite side, the single subject dominating my worries.
This is a blessed life I am leading. These are the blessings I chose this life for, on this continent for, with these people. The ones worth the hard road. I'm keeping my paper with all of them written by my side right now. As a touch stone to why I am here, why weekends like this are okay, why everything in this choice was worth it and what answered prayers look like.
Which made my think of a quoted frame in my house;
Faith
When we come to the edge of all the light
we have and take that step into the
darkness of the unknown ~
We must believe that one of two
things will happen ~
There will be something solid for us to
stand on or God will teach us to fly.
Dear, dear universe of mine. In less than six months, you gave all that I asked and wished of having for over a year. I am shaky, and still a little scared yet, but I have faith in you. And in your plan for the future of my life. That that there is a plan, and it unfurls only on your time schedule, the way it is meant to happen, for the best, most beautiful future available for me.
This does not keep morose moments from happening. But it does mean things like, even though I couldn't let myself play or write much last night I finally found a way to joke and talk from the center of me and even though I considered not going seriously for over three hours, I went to Goddess Grove's day last Sunday of the month. And though I felt and looked quite morose in certain moments, I had some clarity sneak into my hours there.
I got to talk to the sister running the day previous to everyone else arriving, so she'd known what I was under, but I didn't really talk about it as openly with anyone else arriving later. So there was a moment during ritual, when we were writing Lammas blessings and she looked at me while explaining it to everyone and said "At least write one. One blessing you are fully minded of being in your life." On the opposite side, we were to write what we still needed to work our hardest for or were waiting to harvest later.
For all of last year, no matter how much I earned or saved, I can at an hour only come up with four true blessings, things that made my heart and soul happy then, I can count being in my life for those fourteen months. I cannot even count how many things I desperately wanted then.
But in the space of four minutes, writing about the blessings and fruitions of my life between Imbolc (February) and Lammas (July), I wrote eighteen blessings. And only stopped because I ran out of paper to write on. And when I turned the paper over, I could only come up with one thing to write. Anything else was only a symptom of the first. This --
I am not happy tonight. But I am not unhappy either. I'm somewhere in the grey recovering space between, but a little more aware of, as my quote said, the things I have vastly 'undervalued' for forty-eight hours when in comparison to the single one on the opposite side, the single subject dominating my worries.
This is a blessed life I am leading. These are the blessings I chose this life for, on this continent for, with these people. The ones worth the hard road. I'm keeping my paper with all of them written by my side right now. As a touch stone to why I am here, why weekends like this are okay, why everything in this choice was worth it and what answered prayers look like.
Which made my think of a quoted frame in my house;
Faith
When we come to the edge of all the light
we have and take that step into the
darkness of the unknown ~
We must believe that one of two
things will happen ~
There will be something solid for us to
stand on or God will teach us to fly.
Dear, dear universe of mine. In less than six months, you gave all that I asked and wished of having for over a year. I am shaky, and still a little scared yet, but I have faith in you. And in your plan for the future of my life. That that there is a plan, and it unfurls only on your time schedule, the way it is meant to happen, for the best, most beautiful future available for me.