You Letters --- if you want to know if it's you, just ask.
It's thirty minutes until Christmas and I'm thinking of you. I think of you more than you'll ever know. I had a nightmare about you two nights ago. How is it I can have a nightmare about you having never met? Why do I feel compelled to you? In the dark of my mind and deep into the crevices in my chest where this ache stems forward. I know you would be content with what I am not. You would take one rainstorm in the dessert where I require rain forest foliage to be up kept. Would you be the conciliation prize even now were the situation to arise?
~*~
I'd ask if you lie to your mother with that mouth-- but I already know you do. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
~*~
I'm afraid, which is an emotion I'm not good at. It makes me act, and over react, and talk until the horse is not beaten but stripped, melted and ground into powder. I don't know if you can hear me anymore. And I fear you've stopped listening. Like them. That I'm become some stripling ornament which exists to delight you like a ribbon on the wind. I long to believe, and fear the reactions of believing before, but I need more than one day, more than one sign in a turn. I look to these next few days with a strange hollowness, because you’ve given me this but little else.
~*~
You were faithless to me to be true to yourself, even if it was a broken part of yourself. I understand now. I'm sorry it took so many years for me to understand. I can't lie and say I wish you'd given me more time. I don't believe you ever would have treated my heart any more gently, but I do believe you believed. And I do hope one day I can be as faithful to myself as you were faithless to me to be faithful that day.
~*~
I miss you. The way you laughed and the quixotic nature of your flashing eyes. Ice blue and pale yellow from the side. I don't have any pain left in your memories and for that I'm thankful. I said my hello's to you on the trail on your anniversary while the commentary that led me to it had paled me remembering what day it was. I think you would have pushed me onward though. Me, who was ever ready to stop and focus on the issue and you, ever ready to run for the sake of life left. Maybe you smiled wherever you were to know I was walking onward. I definitely smiled know wherever you are you haven't stopped going yet.
~*~
You have very possibly given me the greatest gift that anyone could this year and I am bereft of how to repay you for it, even as you continue to put more carpets before my feet to ease my path. I miss the very things you exude, miss them deep, dark, down in locked places that I forbade myself to wallow in five years ago, things I don't even admit to in the faces I had/have/do miss them from. And you give them freely, making me long to burst into tears when I hug you. You are not something I expected, having seen you so often for a year, that I have newly found miracle, fresh and entirely unknown, in a face I could paint from memory.
~*~
You've given me much. Deep into the roots and rocks I feel the strength of you, the unwavering knowledge you'd be there in a pinch, but I find my reasons to blossom for you wither with the coming cold. And I shiver in my boots, pressing deeper and deepening in hope, desolate hope, for the months of thaw that might come. Thinking still that one more word will snap thin ice and lose everything.
~*~
Happy Birthday to you!
~*~
I'd ask if you lie to your mother with that mouth-- but I already know you do. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
~*~
I'm afraid, which is an emotion I'm not good at. It makes me act, and over react, and talk until the horse is not beaten but stripped, melted and ground into powder. I don't know if you can hear me anymore. And I fear you've stopped listening. Like them. That I'm become some stripling ornament which exists to delight you like a ribbon on the wind. I long to believe, and fear the reactions of believing before, but I need more than one day, more than one sign in a turn. I look to these next few days with a strange hollowness, because you’ve given me this but little else.
~*~
You were faithless to me to be true to yourself, even if it was a broken part of yourself. I understand now. I'm sorry it took so many years for me to understand. I can't lie and say I wish you'd given me more time. I don't believe you ever would have treated my heart any more gently, but I do believe you believed. And I do hope one day I can be as faithful to myself as you were faithless to me to be faithful that day.
~*~
I miss you. The way you laughed and the quixotic nature of your flashing eyes. Ice blue and pale yellow from the side. I don't have any pain left in your memories and for that I'm thankful. I said my hello's to you on the trail on your anniversary while the commentary that led me to it had paled me remembering what day it was. I think you would have pushed me onward though. Me, who was ever ready to stop and focus on the issue and you, ever ready to run for the sake of life left. Maybe you smiled wherever you were to know I was walking onward. I definitely smiled know wherever you are you haven't stopped going yet.
~*~
You have very possibly given me the greatest gift that anyone could this year and I am bereft of how to repay you for it, even as you continue to put more carpets before my feet to ease my path. I miss the very things you exude, miss them deep, dark, down in locked places that I forbade myself to wallow in five years ago, things I don't even admit to in the faces I had/have/do miss them from. And you give them freely, making me long to burst into tears when I hug you. You are not something I expected, having seen you so often for a year, that I have newly found miracle, fresh and entirely unknown, in a face I could paint from memory.
~*~
You've given me much. Deep into the roots and rocks I feel the strength of you, the unwavering knowledge you'd be there in a pinch, but I find my reasons to blossom for you wither with the coming cold. And I shiver in my boots, pressing deeper and deepening in hope, desolate hope, for the months of thaw that might come. Thinking still that one more word will snap thin ice and lose everything.
~*~
Happy Birthday to you!