(no subject)
I am realizing that the main source of my discomfort these days has to do with a feeling of a fading self, or lack of identity. Or rather, the discomfort has come from my fighting that process. I think that I need to let it be; it's inevitable, and has to happen, I think.
In Madison my identity was set - I felt comfortable in my own skin as a Madison alternative chick. That's what I was, and Madison was a part of that identity. The place really helped mold me and I let it do that happily. But I cannot be a Madison alternative chick here simply by definition. Something new must be created. Not totally new, like totally changing as a person or anything like that, but in subtle ways.
I realize that I've been firmly telling people out here the "way I am," mostly in a negative context, like apologizing/explaining why I get nervous in social situations or whatever. What that is doing is confirming some kind of old identity that doesn't have to belong to me. They don't know me after all, they only know what I give them. It's a gift, in a way.
I've been fighting it, sleeping 12-13 hours a night and just trying to hide away in my imagination and books to avoid the whole thing. But it's going to happen, I mean I came out here with the deliberate intention of kicking out the ladder from underneath me and starting a new phase in my life. I also think it's ok to take time to just be neutral and let this happen. I'm tired of actively trying to change myself into some stupid ideal. The process will just happen naturally, and it's ok to take some time to step back quietly and let it happen slowly.
This is my bio clip for our playbill:
Maya Paradox - Executive Producer
Maya is originally from Chicago. She is a co-owner of DLH Productions, a musician (piano, drums, guitar, vocals), and has been a bondage model for Girl Next Door, MyWifeBound, and others. Currently a graduate student, Maya seeks the study of consciousness and creation through the expression of the primal, spiritual bdsm experience. She is a very twisted mofo.
mayaparadox@gmail.com
It's genuine, but still seems like a big joke to me - I wish I could be the person the bio describes. Maybe "identity" is just some big shallow joke too. I'm anxious for the consciousness program to start. The program will be a huge aid to me in this time I think. I want to be around others that are focused on the kind of depth of transformative process as I am.
In Madison my identity was set - I felt comfortable in my own skin as a Madison alternative chick. That's what I was, and Madison was a part of that identity. The place really helped mold me and I let it do that happily. But I cannot be a Madison alternative chick here simply by definition. Something new must be created. Not totally new, like totally changing as a person or anything like that, but in subtle ways.
I realize that I've been firmly telling people out here the "way I am," mostly in a negative context, like apologizing/explaining why I get nervous in social situations or whatever. What that is doing is confirming some kind of old identity that doesn't have to belong to me. They don't know me after all, they only know what I give them. It's a gift, in a way.
I've been fighting it, sleeping 12-13 hours a night and just trying to hide away in my imagination and books to avoid the whole thing. But it's going to happen, I mean I came out here with the deliberate intention of kicking out the ladder from underneath me and starting a new phase in my life. I also think it's ok to take time to just be neutral and let this happen. I'm tired of actively trying to change myself into some stupid ideal. The process will just happen naturally, and it's ok to take some time to step back quietly and let it happen slowly.
This is my bio clip for our playbill:
Maya Paradox - Executive Producer
Maya is originally from Chicago. She is a co-owner of DLH Productions, a musician (piano, drums, guitar, vocals), and has been a bondage model for Girl Next Door, MyWifeBound, and others. Currently a graduate student, Maya seeks the study of consciousness and creation through the expression of the primal, spiritual bdsm experience. She is a very twisted mofo.
mayaparadox@gmail.com
It's genuine, but still seems like a big joke to me - I wish I could be the person the bio describes. Maybe "identity" is just some big shallow joke too. I'm anxious for the consciousness program to start. The program will be a huge aid to me in this time I think. I want to be around others that are focused on the kind of depth of transformative process as I am.