(no subject)
I dont want pitty.this is my thoughtsmy feelings.
So, that guy that I though something could maybe work out for, turned out to be a bigger asshole then the world can hold, yet for some reason, Im still really attracted to him..but hell, he did something beyond what someone can forgive him (at least i can't) for and it was an honest shock. I mean, yeah, I shouldn't have been surprised...i'm never any guys type, so why should i have hoped for something maybe more to happen? He knew I liked him, he got that much out when i went off on him...but i guess...me liking someone and giving off signals isn't enough and maybe i should lose weight just to prove that i am pretty like all the skinny girls out there. God, i sound like someone i never wanted to sound like.
i mean, yeah, i'm happy with the weight i'm at, it shows i'm loving life and i'm not giving a shit what people think about me. I've been at this same weight for three years, never gaining...and also having trouble losing it...no matter what I do....but fuck, i don't know...i'm so unhappy and so depressed that i can't think about this anymore but I doits gotten to the point that I really dont want to look at myself in the mirrorand if I doI have to hide my body in someway
along this lines, i've been thinking about my grandmother. Goddamn i miss her so much and i just need to talk to someone....and there is no one to talk to. i don't have any close friends who knew her and knew what i had with her. I feel that with no one really close, I have no one just to talk to...gah! i'm going fucking crazy!
this brings me to my other emotions, those of me moving away. It feels, since those few friends that i have, know i'm moving...i'm not involved with them as i would like to be...that i'm not doing things in these last moments as i would like....yeah, i've tried to plan things..but they fall though....as i say...fuck it, i'm starting a new life it seems...and sooner then i wanted...
i also know that i'm going to miss my parents. i've lived with them for 21 years of my life....and have never been far. I'm moving from any family that is close to me...the nearest family will be close to an hour and some minutes away...grrr...but this is my choice and its time for me to grow up.
onto other things
I know I cant wait to leave work.. Im sick and tired of all the shit I put up with and all the shit I do for them and I get nothing in return for my hard work except maybe a backstab and managers that favor others above all the fucking work I do.
Take this as an example. I start between 7:40 and 7:50 am and by 9 am, Ill have all breakfast set up done, including drinks and half the sweets (as I have to set up double for the lunch rush). This is among cleaning up after the fucking night crew who hasnt been fucking trained right. (no offense mel and darbut they havent) and upon asking my managers to see that something is done about this shit.they dont give a shit and ignore it as it happens every fucking day I open!!!!
Now where this is going.someone else will open, say, start at 8 even though I think they start a little bit early like myself. I come in at 9 and the only fucking thing done is the drinks and the breakfast set upnothing with the sweets or anything else! Its likewtf!!! Yet, the managers dont give a shit and I have to finish the opening for the daywell guess what! Never fucking again!!! I SICK AND TIRED OF IT!
My two weeks will be put in around September 10th, giving me time to spend a few last days with my family! I know Ill miss a few of my co-workers, but all the favoritism and all the fucking shit going aroundI cant wait to be done with it!!
And with this, I have to go to the drs. Something is wrong with me and my mom and dad are getting really worried. I cant eat foods I used to be able to with out feeling sick to my stomach, a stomach ache, and without getting such server heart burn I want to cry. (yes, Ive tired stuff to help it, but nothing does) Im not supposed to have spicy foods because of the stomach problems Ive had when I was youngerbut my mom thinks its expanding into something more since I hardly eat them as is.
Among this, we think Im allergic to something in my bras, but I have to wear them since Im so big in the chest area, but I break out in small sores....the dr. at first thought I was allergice to the pool chemicals and chlorine in particularbut now theyre not to sure. So its back to may testing for both.
With this, I go to court on Thursday for my workmans comp hearing against Regal. Boy are they in for a big ass surprise. 21 year old chick with RSD, something that can never be healed. Lovely. Assholes.
I think this is long enough and that I've gone through enough self pitty...goshdamn I just wish I was, in a way, more accepted for who I am and what I am a girl with curves who does't starve herself, a girl who wished for more fuck I'm over this shit (didn't I say this before?)
So, that guy that I though something could maybe work out for, turned out to be a bigger asshole then the world can hold, yet for some reason, Im still really attracted to him..but hell, he did something beyond what someone can forgive him (at least i can't) for and it was an honest shock. I mean, yeah, I shouldn't have been surprised...i'm never any guys type, so why should i have hoped for something maybe more to happen? He knew I liked him, he got that much out when i went off on him...but i guess...me liking someone and giving off signals isn't enough and maybe i should lose weight just to prove that i am pretty like all the skinny girls out there. God, i sound like someone i never wanted to sound like.
i mean, yeah, i'm happy with the weight i'm at, it shows i'm loving life and i'm not giving a shit what people think about me. I've been at this same weight for three years, never gaining...and also having trouble losing it...no matter what I do....but fuck, i don't know...i'm so unhappy and so depressed that i can't think about this anymore but I doits gotten to the point that I really dont want to look at myself in the mirrorand if I doI have to hide my body in someway
along this lines, i've been thinking about my grandmother. Goddamn i miss her so much and i just need to talk to someone....and there is no one to talk to. i don't have any close friends who knew her and knew what i had with her. I feel that with no one really close, I have no one just to talk to...gah! i'm going fucking crazy!
this brings me to my other emotions, those of me moving away. It feels, since those few friends that i have, know i'm moving...i'm not involved with them as i would like to be...that i'm not doing things in these last moments as i would like....yeah, i've tried to plan things..but they fall though....as i say...fuck it, i'm starting a new life it seems...and sooner then i wanted...
i also know that i'm going to miss my parents. i've lived with them for 21 years of my life....and have never been far. I'm moving from any family that is close to me...the nearest family will be close to an hour and some minutes away...grrr...but this is my choice and its time for me to grow up.
onto other things
I know I cant wait to leave work.. Im sick and tired of all the shit I put up with and all the shit I do for them and I get nothing in return for my hard work except maybe a backstab and managers that favor others above all the fucking work I do.
Take this as an example. I start between 7:40 and 7:50 am and by 9 am, Ill have all breakfast set up done, including drinks and half the sweets (as I have to set up double for the lunch rush). This is among cleaning up after the fucking night crew who hasnt been fucking trained right. (no offense mel and darbut they havent) and upon asking my managers to see that something is done about this shit.they dont give a shit and ignore it as it happens every fucking day I open!!!!
Now where this is going.someone else will open, say, start at 8 even though I think they start a little bit early like myself. I come in at 9 and the only fucking thing done is the drinks and the breakfast set upnothing with the sweets or anything else! Its likewtf!!! Yet, the managers dont give a shit and I have to finish the opening for the daywell guess what! Never fucking again!!! I SICK AND TIRED OF IT!
My two weeks will be put in around September 10th, giving me time to spend a few last days with my family! I know Ill miss a few of my co-workers, but all the favoritism and all the fucking shit going aroundI cant wait to be done with it!!
And with this, I have to go to the drs. Something is wrong with me and my mom and dad are getting really worried. I cant eat foods I used to be able to with out feeling sick to my stomach, a stomach ache, and without getting such server heart burn I want to cry. (yes, Ive tired stuff to help it, but nothing does) Im not supposed to have spicy foods because of the stomach problems Ive had when I was youngerbut my mom thinks its expanding into something more since I hardly eat them as is.
Among this, we think Im allergic to something in my bras, but I have to wear them since Im so big in the chest area, but I break out in small sores....the dr. at first thought I was allergice to the pool chemicals and chlorine in particularbut now theyre not to sure. So its back to may testing for both.
With this, I go to court on Thursday for my workmans comp hearing against Regal. Boy are they in for a big ass surprise. 21 year old chick with RSD, something that can never be healed. Lovely. Assholes.
I think this is long enough and that I've gone through enough self pitty...goshdamn I just wish I was, in a way, more accepted for who I am and what I am a girl with curves who does't starve herself, a girl who wished for more fuck I'm over this shit (didn't I say this before?)