Game Over: Chapter 2
2/61
I pulled up into the school,
That’s a lot of damage to a public building. Guess it’s a good thing the world ended today anyway.
finishing off the last of my cookie and brushing the crumbs off of my face.
Attractive.
I got out of the truck and jogged up to the glass doors of the high school.
I’m guessing we’re to assume you parked the car.
Everyone was buzzing about some kind of bug making its way around school. But from others,
So who are the others that are special from the everyone?
I heard it was everywhere. Not just the school, but the whole world was suffering from some weird fever.
Um, if you’d actually paid attention to the show, Dr. Jenner said that it was a good month after the bombing in Atlanta before the CDC in France went offline. It’s not all over the world yet, you dipshit.
KNOW YOUR GODDAMN FANDOM: 1
Doctors didn't know what to diagnose it as and a few people had already died of it already.
Redundancy is redundant.
GRAMMAR NAZI: 3
I tried to ignore the sickie talk
… you’re fucking joking. This is rated “M” and you call it “sickie” talk? What the fuck is sickie talk, anyway?
and made my way towards the Spanish classroom. There were supposed to be like 10 people taking this exam at this time, but only 2 people other than me were actually in the room.
I’m pretty sure if there were only 2 students, and the whole fucking world was ravaged by an unknown disease, then school would be cancelled.
LOGIC FAIL: 2
I took a seat and started taking the exam, a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
It’s probably diarrhea. You got the runs, dude.
It was about half-way through test-taking time and I was still only on question 6.
How long is “test-taking time”? Is it measured in seconds, minutes, and hours like regular time? And this doesn’t tell us much, since we don’t know how much time has actually passed, or how many questions there are total.
What the hell is a "tengo"?
It’s a verb, in personal conjugation. “I have”.
Why don't I ever pay attention in class?
Because then people would think you were a geek or nerd, and your badass rep would be down the toilet.
I shook my head and tried to think back to our lessons.
But my thinking was interrupted
I’m sure this happens often when, you know, you bother to think
by a deep gurgling snarl somewhere to my right.
I looked over at Troy, the kid beside me. He was asleep, so I figured it must've been him.
Yeah, all the boys I know make gurgle-snarls in their sleep. *rolls eyes*
But then the Spanish teacher, Miss Hanset, spoke up, "Jeremy, are you all right?"
I looked over at Jeremy who was just on the other side of Troy. His face was down, but from the side, I could see blood dripping from his mouth.
That’s not good… Why are you so nonchalant about this?
The snarls seemed to (be) emanating from him. Was he having a seizure? Was he having a heart attack?
Someone clearly knows nothing about medical conditions *facepalm*
GRAMMAR NAZI: 4
Or was he just bleeding profusely from his main orifice for no apparent reason?
Our main character, ladies and gentlemen. A real genius, this one.
"Jeremy?" I asked quietly from where I was sitting.
His head snapped up, making a horrid cracking sound.
Why is it cracking? Did someone snap it after he got bitten? Did he get bitten? I feel like giant gaping bite-wounds would be noticed before now…
His eyes, blood-shot in the whites, contrasting terrifyingly against the clouded-over blue of his irises, focused in on me. His skin was deathly pale and blood was still seeping from his mouth.
I jumped from my seat, falling onto the ground. "What the fuck?" I yelled. I knew normally I would've been reprimanded for my foul language by Miss Hanset, but she was seeing the same thing I was.
She backed up, hitting the bookshelf behind her.
Jeremy stood, seeming to limp
How does one limp just standing up?
and came out from behind his desk. His movements were awkward and he didn't seem like he knew what to do with his arms.
Zombies totally know what to do with their arms. They grab for their victims, hold them tight, and eat them.
The bump Miss Hanset made against the bookshelf caused his attention to be drawn to her. He watched her with what I could only describe as hunger.
Actually, their eyes are dead. There’s no emotion in them, so you shouldn’t be able to describe what he’s looking at her with. Unless you meant his facial expression?
I wanted to get up from my seat on the ground and bolt from the room, but my legs weren't working.
Is this going to be a recurring theme? If she’s useless for this entire story, and it’s sequels, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.
Just as Jeremy was about to lunge forward over the desk, Troy snorted in his sleep. Jeremy looked down to Troy's body sleeping just beside him.
I had an inkling of what might happen next,
How? Even taking into account that you’ve seen a zombie movie (which weren’t supposed to exist in TWD, which is why they’re called “walkers” and not “zombies”, but that isn’t explained in the show so I’ll let it slide), you don’t know this kid is one yet. You just thought he was having a seizure or a heart attack, for crying out loud!
LOGIC FAIL: 2
but I didn't believe it until I saw it and even then I had trouble accepting it.
Okay. Whatever.
Jeremy bent down and grabbed Troy's hair in his hand, pulling his head up by the brown locks.
Actually he would just lunge through the desk. They don’t really premeditate the attacking. Because they’re dead.
Troy's eyes opened slowly. "What are you doing, man?" he asked, confused. Jeremy's hold on his hair tightened and Troy winced. "Hey, let go, man!"
Bullshit. No guy is gonna be like “What’re you doing?” when someone yanks his head up by his hair. He’ll yell, swear, punch, and jerk away.
LOGIC FAIL: 3
Then Jeremy sunk his teeth into Troy's neck, cutting off all further arguments.
Not necessarily. Unless Jeremy managed to perfectly get his voice box-crunchy, that-then Troy could be screaming and gurgling. And since you said his neck, that implies he bit the muscular part. He can still talk.
Miss Hanset screamed and left the room.
What a great adult…
My legs decided to listen finally and I ran out of the classroom, spotting another of the Jeremy-like monsters at the end of the hall, munching on a girl in her Junior year by the name of Sally.
Why does this detail matter? Who cares what the girl’s name is? Move along.
I never really liked Sally.
I don’t really care. And I already don’t like you, either. Someone please let me save Daryl?
But still, it was terrifying and I felt a little sad upon seeing it.
If she doesn’t like her, why the fuck does she feel anything about it? Or is this to make us view her as compassionate when in the last chapter you basically told us your main character is a total bitch.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 4
I dashed out of the doors of the school and into the parking lot. I started my truck up and left the school far behind me. I knew where I was going, but I wasn't sure why. I turned onto the familiar street and pulled up on the curb, getting an eerie feeling as I noticed that no one was out I the streets.
Out I the streets? What does this even mean? Spell-check is your friend!
GRAMMAR NAZI: 5
The lights of the Chinese food restaurant I worked at were all off, but I had a key so I unlocked the door and slipped inside, locking the door behind me just in case.
Blah, blah, blah, random details. Why aren’t you going home? And why the hell do you have a key?
The owner of the restaurant was Korean and not Chinese so it confused me as to why he had opened a Chinese food restaurant in the first place.
Maybe his wife is Chinese, ever think of that?
YOU RACIST BITCH: 1
Mr. Kang,
You got an actual Korean surname, I’ll give you that. Although why you didn’t go for one of the really common ones, I have no idea.
the owner, had been good friends with my father since they were in college. He had gotten me this job when I was 14, busing tables.
His son, Glenn, was 4 years older than me, but he had been my best friend since we were infants.
You weren’t born when he was an infant. And when you were an infant, he was a toddler.
LOGIC FAIL: 4
Our dads had thrown us together a lot when we were younger
Throwing a little kids is frowned upon, pretty sure.
and they would have man time.
Is that what they’re calling it now? Winkwink, nudgenudge.
Glenn also worked here when he wasn't delivering pizzas, but no one was in here now.
"Mr. Kang?" I called out, cautiously peeking in the dining room area. "Glenn?"
I heard the bell above the door ring and turned, heart beating fast.
Better than beating sluggishly.
But it was just Glenn, shoving his key ring in his pocket. "Hey," Glenn said, waving.
I waved weakly back and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until my butt hit the ground. I groaned and closed my eyes, trying to block the image of Troy getting chomped on out of my head.
Glenn rushed over, kneeling down. "The Spanish exam wasn't that bad, was it?" he asked, not joking in the slightest.
Um, why doesn’t he seem concerned that she’s out of school after only being there like an hour tops?
LOGIC FAIL: 5
I opened my eyes and cracked a tiny smile, unable (even in my current predicament) to resist the joke that came out. "Killer."
Inappropriate humor placement. Would she really say that, considering the “sickie talk”?
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 5
He gave me an odd look and then threw a glance around the inside of the restaurant. "Where is everyone? There's no one here, no one in the streets, and there was no one at the pizza place either."
I shrugged, looking over at the main office door. I struggled to get to my feet and thought I heard something scraping against the floor on the other side of that door. I narrowed my eyes at it and cocked my head to the side as the door handle jiggled, but didn't turn all the way.
"That must be my dad," Glenn said, strutting over to the door and opening it.
"Glenn, don't-"
You’ve met one zombie! Why are you already assuming EVERYONE is bitten?!
What used to be Mr. Kang stumbled out of the office, covered in blood and bite marks. He held his hands out for Glenn, snarling. Even in the darkness of the restaurant, Glenn could tell something was terribly wrong.
"What the-?" he stumbled backwards and tripped over the carpet,
Bad carpet!
landing on his back.
Mr. Kang tried to lean down and grab and presumably eat him,
This fragment hurts me. Break it up.
but I picked up the closest thing to me, a telephone, and ripped its cords,
What good does tearing the cords do? Or did you rip them from the wall?
hurling it straight at my boss's face.
I think this would be better if the verb tenses were switched. Or you added “before” in there in front of “hurling”.
GRAMMAR NAZI: 6
Most people would have loved to do that due to a deep hatred of their boss, but it pained me to do this. That man had been like a second father to me.
She went from freezing at her first walker, to chucking phones at the next. Right.
It hit him right in the face, causing him to stumble back into the room.
I ran forward, shutting the door, but his hand had gotten between the door and the doorjamb. It was wriggling around, trying to grab hold of anything human.
It was already disembodied? That’s a really deadly phone.
I pushed on the door, but all that came from putting all of my 120 pounds of weight on it was a satisfying crack. I wanted to throw up, but I held it in.
If it’s satisfying, you aren’t gonna want to puke. Also, I highly doubt a 120lb girl can take on a full-grown man-zombie intent on feeding, even if it was slightly stunned by a phone to the head.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 6
I grabbed hold of the hand and pushed it through the slim opening in the door and shut it, locking it from the outside with the key I still had in my hand.
Wait, what was the point of breaking the bones if she still has to grab it and-I don’t care. Nope, I don’t.
When the door was locked, I took a few steps back, tears blurring my vision.
Glenn was sitting on the floor, still staring in horror at the door and breathing hard. "What the hell was that?"
Um, I’m pretty sure if my friend just chucked a phone at my dad’s head, then broke his hand in the door, all in response to him trying to eat me, I think I’d be a bit more hysterical. Possibly in denial, and therefore mad at her for hurting him.
I shook my head. "I think… I think it was a zombie."
I see what you did there. All that’s missing is the sunglasses as you do a Horatio impression. Also? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS ARE YET.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 7
Ugh, thank god this chapter’s over.
Tracker:
KNOW YOUR GODDAMN FANDOM: 1
LOGIC FAIL: 5
YOU RACIST BITCH: 1
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 7
Chapters Remaining: 59
I pulled up into the school,
That’s a lot of damage to a public building. Guess it’s a good thing the world ended today anyway.
finishing off the last of my cookie and brushing the crumbs off of my face.
Attractive.
I got out of the truck and jogged up to the glass doors of the high school.
I’m guessing we’re to assume you parked the car.
Everyone was buzzing about some kind of bug making its way around school. But from others,
So who are the others that are special from the everyone?
I heard it was everywhere. Not just the school, but the whole world was suffering from some weird fever.
Um, if you’d actually paid attention to the show, Dr. Jenner said that it was a good month after the bombing in Atlanta before the CDC in France went offline. It’s not all over the world yet, you dipshit.
KNOW YOUR GODDAMN FANDOM: 1
Doctors didn't know what to diagnose it as and a few people had already died of it already.
Redundancy is redundant.
GRAMMAR NAZI: 3
I tried to ignore the sickie talk
… you’re fucking joking. This is rated “M” and you call it “sickie” talk? What the fuck is sickie talk, anyway?
and made my way towards the Spanish classroom. There were supposed to be like 10 people taking this exam at this time, but only 2 people other than me were actually in the room.
I’m pretty sure if there were only 2 students, and the whole fucking world was ravaged by an unknown disease, then school would be cancelled.
LOGIC FAIL: 2
I took a seat and started taking the exam, a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
It’s probably diarrhea. You got the runs, dude.
It was about half-way through test-taking time and I was still only on question 6.
How long is “test-taking time”? Is it measured in seconds, minutes, and hours like regular time? And this doesn’t tell us much, since we don’t know how much time has actually passed, or how many questions there are total.
What the hell is a "tengo"?
It’s a verb, in personal conjugation. “I have”.
Why don't I ever pay attention in class?
Because then people would think you were a geek or nerd, and your badass rep would be down the toilet.
I shook my head and tried to think back to our lessons.
But my thinking was interrupted
I’m sure this happens often when, you know, you bother to think
by a deep gurgling snarl somewhere to my right.
I looked over at Troy, the kid beside me. He was asleep, so I figured it must've been him.
Yeah, all the boys I know make gurgle-snarls in their sleep. *rolls eyes*
But then the Spanish teacher, Miss Hanset, spoke up, "Jeremy, are you all right?"
I looked over at Jeremy who was just on the other side of Troy. His face was down, but from the side, I could see blood dripping from his mouth.
That’s not good… Why are you so nonchalant about this?
The snarls seemed to (be) emanating from him. Was he having a seizure? Was he having a heart attack?
Someone clearly knows nothing about medical conditions *facepalm*
GRAMMAR NAZI: 4
Or was he just bleeding profusely from his main orifice for no apparent reason?
Our main character, ladies and gentlemen. A real genius, this one.
"Jeremy?" I asked quietly from where I was sitting.
His head snapped up, making a horrid cracking sound.
Why is it cracking? Did someone snap it after he got bitten? Did he get bitten? I feel like giant gaping bite-wounds would be noticed before now…
His eyes, blood-shot in the whites, contrasting terrifyingly against the clouded-over blue of his irises, focused in on me. His skin was deathly pale and blood was still seeping from his mouth.
I jumped from my seat, falling onto the ground. "What the fuck?" I yelled. I knew normally I would've been reprimanded for my foul language by Miss Hanset, but she was seeing the same thing I was.
She backed up, hitting the bookshelf behind her.
Jeremy stood, seeming to limp
How does one limp just standing up?
and came out from behind his desk. His movements were awkward and he didn't seem like he knew what to do with his arms.
Zombies totally know what to do with their arms. They grab for their victims, hold them tight, and eat them.
The bump Miss Hanset made against the bookshelf caused his attention to be drawn to her. He watched her with what I could only describe as hunger.
Actually, their eyes are dead. There’s no emotion in them, so you shouldn’t be able to describe what he’s looking at her with. Unless you meant his facial expression?
I wanted to get up from my seat on the ground and bolt from the room, but my legs weren't working.
Is this going to be a recurring theme? If she’s useless for this entire story, and it’s sequels, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.
Just as Jeremy was about to lunge forward over the desk, Troy snorted in his sleep. Jeremy looked down to Troy's body sleeping just beside him.
I had an inkling of what might happen next,
How? Even taking into account that you’ve seen a zombie movie (which weren’t supposed to exist in TWD, which is why they’re called “walkers” and not “zombies”, but that isn’t explained in the show so I’ll let it slide), you don’t know this kid is one yet. You just thought he was having a seizure or a heart attack, for crying out loud!
LOGIC FAIL: 2
but I didn't believe it until I saw it and even then I had trouble accepting it.
Okay. Whatever.
Jeremy bent down and grabbed Troy's hair in his hand, pulling his head up by the brown locks.
Actually he would just lunge through the desk. They don’t really premeditate the attacking. Because they’re dead.
Troy's eyes opened slowly. "What are you doing, man?" he asked, confused. Jeremy's hold on his hair tightened and Troy winced. "Hey, let go, man!"
Bullshit. No guy is gonna be like “What’re you doing?” when someone yanks his head up by his hair. He’ll yell, swear, punch, and jerk away.
LOGIC FAIL: 3
Then Jeremy sunk his teeth into Troy's neck, cutting off all further arguments.
Not necessarily. Unless Jeremy managed to perfectly get his voice box-crunchy, that-then Troy could be screaming and gurgling. And since you said his neck, that implies he bit the muscular part. He can still talk.
Miss Hanset screamed and left the room.
What a great adult…
My legs decided to listen finally and I ran out of the classroom, spotting another of the Jeremy-like monsters at the end of the hall, munching on a girl in her Junior year by the name of Sally.
Why does this detail matter? Who cares what the girl’s name is? Move along.
I never really liked Sally.
I don’t really care. And I already don’t like you, either. Someone please let me save Daryl?
But still, it was terrifying and I felt a little sad upon seeing it.
If she doesn’t like her, why the fuck does she feel anything about it? Or is this to make us view her as compassionate when in the last chapter you basically told us your main character is a total bitch.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 4
I dashed out of the doors of the school and into the parking lot. I started my truck up and left the school far behind me. I knew where I was going, but I wasn't sure why. I turned onto the familiar street and pulled up on the curb, getting an eerie feeling as I noticed that no one was out I the streets.
Out I the streets? What does this even mean? Spell-check is your friend!
GRAMMAR NAZI: 5
The lights of the Chinese food restaurant I worked at were all off, but I had a key so I unlocked the door and slipped inside, locking the door behind me just in case.
Blah, blah, blah, random details. Why aren’t you going home? And why the hell do you have a key?
The owner of the restaurant was Korean and not Chinese so it confused me as to why he had opened a Chinese food restaurant in the first place.
Maybe his wife is Chinese, ever think of that?
YOU RACIST BITCH: 1
Mr. Kang,
You got an actual Korean surname, I’ll give you that. Although why you didn’t go for one of the really common ones, I have no idea.
the owner, had been good friends with my father since they were in college. He had gotten me this job when I was 14, busing tables.
His son, Glenn, was 4 years older than me, but he had been my best friend since we were infants.
You weren’t born when he was an infant. And when you were an infant, he was a toddler.
LOGIC FAIL: 4
Our dads had thrown us together a lot when we were younger
Throwing a little kids is frowned upon, pretty sure.
and they would have man time.
Is that what they’re calling it now? Winkwink, nudgenudge.
Glenn also worked here when he wasn't delivering pizzas, but no one was in here now.
"Mr. Kang?" I called out, cautiously peeking in the dining room area. "Glenn?"
I heard the bell above the door ring and turned, heart beating fast.
Better than beating sluggishly.
But it was just Glenn, shoving his key ring in his pocket. "Hey," Glenn said, waving.
I waved weakly back and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until my butt hit the ground. I groaned and closed my eyes, trying to block the image of Troy getting chomped on out of my head.
Glenn rushed over, kneeling down. "The Spanish exam wasn't that bad, was it?" he asked, not joking in the slightest.
Um, why doesn’t he seem concerned that she’s out of school after only being there like an hour tops?
LOGIC FAIL: 5
I opened my eyes and cracked a tiny smile, unable (even in my current predicament) to resist the joke that came out. "Killer."
Inappropriate humor placement. Would she really say that, considering the “sickie talk”?
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 5
He gave me an odd look and then threw a glance around the inside of the restaurant. "Where is everyone? There's no one here, no one in the streets, and there was no one at the pizza place either."
I shrugged, looking over at the main office door. I struggled to get to my feet and thought I heard something scraping against the floor on the other side of that door. I narrowed my eyes at it and cocked my head to the side as the door handle jiggled, but didn't turn all the way.
"That must be my dad," Glenn said, strutting over to the door and opening it.
"Glenn, don't-"
You’ve met one zombie! Why are you already assuming EVERYONE is bitten?!
What used to be Mr. Kang stumbled out of the office, covered in blood and bite marks. He held his hands out for Glenn, snarling. Even in the darkness of the restaurant, Glenn could tell something was terribly wrong.
"What the-?" he stumbled backwards and tripped over the carpet,
Bad carpet!
landing on his back.
Mr. Kang tried to lean down and grab and presumably eat him,
This fragment hurts me. Break it up.
but I picked up the closest thing to me, a telephone, and ripped its cords,
What good does tearing the cords do? Or did you rip them from the wall?
hurling it straight at my boss's face.
I think this would be better if the verb tenses were switched. Or you added “before” in there in front of “hurling”.
GRAMMAR NAZI: 6
Most people would have loved to do that due to a deep hatred of their boss, but it pained me to do this. That man had been like a second father to me.
She went from freezing at her first walker, to chucking phones at the next. Right.
It hit him right in the face, causing him to stumble back into the room.
I ran forward, shutting the door, but his hand had gotten between the door and the doorjamb. It was wriggling around, trying to grab hold of anything human.
It was already disembodied? That’s a really deadly phone.
I pushed on the door, but all that came from putting all of my 120 pounds of weight on it was a satisfying crack. I wanted to throw up, but I held it in.
If it’s satisfying, you aren’t gonna want to puke. Also, I highly doubt a 120lb girl can take on a full-grown man-zombie intent on feeding, even if it was slightly stunned by a phone to the head.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 6
I grabbed hold of the hand and pushed it through the slim opening in the door and shut it, locking it from the outside with the key I still had in my hand.
Wait, what was the point of breaking the bones if she still has to grab it and-I don’t care. Nope, I don’t.
When the door was locked, I took a few steps back, tears blurring my vision.
Glenn was sitting on the floor, still staring in horror at the door and breathing hard. "What the hell was that?"
Um, I’m pretty sure if my friend just chucked a phone at my dad’s head, then broke his hand in the door, all in response to him trying to eat me, I think I’d be a bit more hysterical. Possibly in denial, and therefore mad at her for hurting him.
I shook my head. "I think… I think it was a zombie."
I see what you did there. All that’s missing is the sunglasses as you do a Horatio impression. Also? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS ARE YET.
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 7
Ugh, thank god this chapter’s over.
Tracker:
KNOW YOUR GODDAMN FANDOM: 1
LOGIC FAIL: 5
YOU RACIST BITCH: 1
I ARE SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE: 7
Chapters Remaining: 59