Serious thoughts and issues... for a change

[wanderingpixie]

PSA Warning Here: This post and all the others I am about to mention are about rape and sexual assault, their prevalence in society, and what the appropriate role of bystanders is. Please skip if you're so inclined.
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There is an idea circulating on my friends list... mostly in the circle of SCA folks from farther away... first wulfsdottir, then stitchwhich, dr_zrfq,

Comments

[zaph]

There are a number of guys who agree that they should say something when they see something questionable. But there are definitely some of the guys reading who think they don't know guys who would be inappropriate enough to say something to. Or they don't think that saying something would help. If you think that... all I can do is ask you to please keep your eyes and mind open.

I think there's another one that a lot of people, myself included, tend to think, which is, "It's possible, even likely, that I've misconstrued something innocent." (You know I tend to be lousy at reading people.) Yes, on paper it's better to err on the side of caution, but in the moment, it's very hard to suppress all thoughts like that and intervene, even if you turn out to have interpreted the situation correctly.

And maybe that's a cultural thing. Maybe society has made us all hesitant to intervene in any situation (perceived imminent sexual assault or otherwise) for fear of being misinterpreted or fear that we have misinterpreted. Every now and then, it's obvious, but I think most of the time it's very subtle and that makes it very hard to react.

As an example, I remember a situation where a person you and I both know made a racist comment to someone when I was within earshot. I could have said something to him. I should have, and the only reason I didn't was because I was so shocked I simply couldn't think of what to say. It's not sexual assault, but I'm pretty sure the same idea applies. He was allowed to go on thinking it was OK to say such things, and should not have been.

I woke up in the middle of the night... confused, sleepy... and I felt him rubbing himself (and, by that, I do mean his penis) on my stockings.

Holy crap, that's disgusting (not the fetish, the fact that he did it without your consent). That anyone would even think it's all right to avoid consent (especially when they know it would not be given otherwise) by waiting until the person is asleep is just gross and evil.

[wanderingpixie]

That's a good point, and you're right, the gray area is hard to deal with. There are some ways to work on it, though.

You can say something to the target (racism, sexism, whatever) within the context... "By the way, if you think Joe here is being an a**, let me know and I'll take care of him for you." That sort of thing. It can be said with a smile and ignored if it's not necessary, but it provides an opening to a call for help if it's needed.

If you know the target, you can talk to them about it after the fact. "Hey, I don't know if you were comfortable with all that. I thought he might be out of line, but I wasn't sure how you felt about it." It lets them know that you noticed and worried and lets you know what is or isn't okay for next time.

If you know the aggressor, you can talk to them about it after the fact too. "Hey... I know she seemed okay with you doing X, but I thought it came off as really sleazy. I was embarrassed to be your friend at that point." *shrug* That's the one I'm least sure of, though.

Anyway... some thoughts on how to be aware without sticking your foot in your mouth too often =)

[wanderingpixie]

mariedeblois was kind enough in her (friends-locked) post to pick out some of the better comment threads from the original post. Two of them address the "How do you say something" point directly, so I thought I'd share.

Say something purely because your offended, regardless how the recipient feels.
If it's not a funny / acceptable joke... say so

[zaph]

Ah, excellent suggestions. I do kind of wish that had occurred to me in college. I can't think of specific situations (besides that one, which stuck with me for some reason) where I should have intervened, but I'm sure they existed.

It's too bad I'm only learning this now because I think I'm much less likely to be in such a situation again, just based on the fact that I'm in contact with a lot fewer different people on a daily basis now.

At least I'll know in case it does come up.