We Stood Up
Thirteen year old boy in Texas shot himself in the head after years of bullying and torment for being gay. Seth Walsh, 13, hung himself from a backyard tree. Tyler Clementi, 18, and a freshman at Rutgers, jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate broadcast a video of Tyler with another guy. Today, I STAND UP TO THOSE BULLIES in their honor. If you care to STAND UP with me, please post this as your status.
This was posted as a friend's status on facebook yesterday. On Monday I got a text from Jack while he was in Math class. Another boy was bothering him now. He wanted out of the classes he had with them. My offer of coming and dragging the boys to the director's office were met with worries of making it worse. Thus far any intervention had done just that. He had hit threshold. As I was about to tell him to leave class, he walked out.
On a wing and a prayer I sent a text to someone hoping they could get my girls from school and I headed straight to Jack. I met him at the office. He hugged me and whispered, "Please don't swear." Oddly enough that had been my mantra the entire drive, and I had even considered posting and invoking the facebook gods in that prayer.
I'm not sure how long the first boy had been bothering Jack... if it has been going on since school began? A month for sure. Little things, like loudly telling Jack to be quiet and stop talking to him when he wasn't. Which would then get Jack in trouble in class. Then on to calling him dumb, stupid, making fun of his hair, telling him he needed a haircut, telling him he looked like a girl. I posted on facebook about the day I granted him free country to kick ass... I had spoken with the math teacher, as had he, and had his seat moved. The teacher talked to the class. This made things worse and another boy started in. Which brought us to Monday.
The treatment Jack was receiving was not the kind that would pain him, in his current home situation, to his death- so I am by NO means marginalizing the pain those children must have been feeling and receiving by telling our story- and this is a situation we were on top of and constantly discussing and exploring options with him. But these kids that killed themselves were in the back of my mind and I couldn't shake the feeling that how I handled this would absolutely be a cornerstone in maintaining a relationship with my son that would keep him coming to me when he had problems. As it has progressed I have also come to see that for every Jack there is a Seth, a Tyler, and who knows how many others. Remember Cipher in the Snow? Remember, if you were a cool kid you probably laughed? Well watch it again, asshole.
We waited outside the classroom until school was out. By then the teacher knew I was there. I made myself look as big as I could. I told the teacher that I needed to talk to her and the two boys that had been bothering Jack. I was the smallest person in that circle. And then I unleashed my fury. First, do you have a problem with my child? Is there something I need to be made aware of? If so, now is your chance to tell me, because I am the one that will correct it. NOT YOU. Both boys claimed to be just messing around. And my wrath continued. Do you see how your messing around has gone too far? Do you see how your age, your size, the repetition, the cruel words, annoying and distracting teasing over and over can wear someone down to the point of not being funny anymore? Of being TOO MUCH?? THIS STOPS NOW. This. Shit. Stops. Now. I thought.
The teacher started to say something along the lines of soliciting an apology and I interrupted. I said I don't want or expect any apologies, and Jack surely doesn't want an apology just because I am standing here. It doesn't mean anything. THIS STOPS NOW. I got a pretty sincere "yes ma'am" and they left knowing this probably wasn't over. I had no idea how Not Over it was...
The boys left and another mother who had been helping in class turned toward us. She told us about how boy1 had been bothering her son terribly... more along the lines of bullying in the true sense. I hesitate to call what Jack experienced bullying, more like being picked on or just having the hell bugged out of him. When you have the Guns of the Navarone in your corner it just won't go that far. As this mother is relaying her son's experience the assistant director shows up because he got wind of "The Crazy Counter Woman" making noise on campus. The crazy one as opposed to the nice and normal ones being my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, both of whom work for the schools. I'm The Other One that they aren't sure from whence I came. But I digress... She said that it had been brought to the attention of teachers last year, teachers took it to administration, and as far as she knew nothing happened because nothing changed. For what it's worth the interaction with boy2 was probably just a fluke. Up to this point he and Jack had clowned around together, but I think Jack probably couldn't take anything from anyone anymore.
Later that evening, and a couple of times since I have actually had the opportunity to talk with boy1's mother. She has called me to apologize, to get facts, find out details, etc. She told me he has a rough relationship with his twin, but had no idea that his behavior left the home. She was devastated to know that it had happened multiple times and they were never made aware. For a minute I wanted to call bullshit, but then I shut up. What she was telling me hit home a bit. Because I am crazy and hid it quite handily for decades and I have a beautiful fire-child with eyes like crystal pools who can fracture every relationship in this household leaving me in tears and thus far I am none the wiser as to any negative relationships with her peers.
I shouldn't be so quick to pass judgement. It is possible to have parents that aren't entirely aware and yet still give a shit. I guess there are always cracks that can be slipped through. Hypervigilance is exhausting. The way things came together that day... the turn of events, being in the right place at the right time, hearing a mother expressing willingness to help and even get help for her child to figure out what is going on inside...to have heard her hope and desire to take an active role in seeing that no one else will be hurt...
When we drove to school the next day I told Jack that despite the good feelings I had from talking with the boy's mother, Jack needed to prepare for the worst. However; I also wanted him to think of forgiveness and consider that on either side we don't know what is going on inside of someone that causes them to act the way they do, and he has had plenty of experience in that realm living with me. That evening he quietly told me that he was feeling very sad. I was too, and I told him that the past couple of days were kind of a lot and it was normal. Then he showed me a note that boy1 gave him. It was a very sincere apology. The words were well chosen, but very obviously from the mind of an 8th grade boy and not something coerced by parents. I can only hope that he uses this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
Because Jack stood up.
volcanoes
erupt
and
things change.
This was posted as a friend's status on facebook yesterday. On Monday I got a text from Jack while he was in Math class. Another boy was bothering him now. He wanted out of the classes he had with them. My offer of coming and dragging the boys to the director's office were met with worries of making it worse. Thus far any intervention had done just that. He had hit threshold. As I was about to tell him to leave class, he walked out.
On a wing and a prayer I sent a text to someone hoping they could get my girls from school and I headed straight to Jack. I met him at the office. He hugged me and whispered, "Please don't swear." Oddly enough that had been my mantra the entire drive, and I had even considered posting and invoking the facebook gods in that prayer.
I'm not sure how long the first boy had been bothering Jack... if it has been going on since school began? A month for sure. Little things, like loudly telling Jack to be quiet and stop talking to him when he wasn't. Which would then get Jack in trouble in class. Then on to calling him dumb, stupid, making fun of his hair, telling him he needed a haircut, telling him he looked like a girl. I posted on facebook about the day I granted him free country to kick ass... I had spoken with the math teacher, as had he, and had his seat moved. The teacher talked to the class. This made things worse and another boy started in. Which brought us to Monday.
The treatment Jack was receiving was not the kind that would pain him, in his current home situation, to his death- so I am by NO means marginalizing the pain those children must have been feeling and receiving by telling our story- and this is a situation we were on top of and constantly discussing and exploring options with him. But these kids that killed themselves were in the back of my mind and I couldn't shake the feeling that how I handled this would absolutely be a cornerstone in maintaining a relationship with my son that would keep him coming to me when he had problems. As it has progressed I have also come to see that for every Jack there is a Seth, a Tyler, and who knows how many others. Remember Cipher in the Snow? Remember, if you were a cool kid you probably laughed? Well watch it again, asshole.
We waited outside the classroom until school was out. By then the teacher knew I was there. I made myself look as big as I could. I told the teacher that I needed to talk to her and the two boys that had been bothering Jack. I was the smallest person in that circle. And then I unleashed my fury. First, do you have a problem with my child? Is there something I need to be made aware of? If so, now is your chance to tell me, because I am the one that will correct it. NOT YOU. Both boys claimed to be just messing around. And my wrath continued. Do you see how your messing around has gone too far? Do you see how your age, your size, the repetition, the cruel words, annoying and distracting teasing over and over can wear someone down to the point of not being funny anymore? Of being TOO MUCH?? THIS STOPS NOW. This. Shit. Stops. Now. I thought.
The teacher started to say something along the lines of soliciting an apology and I interrupted. I said I don't want or expect any apologies, and Jack surely doesn't want an apology just because I am standing here. It doesn't mean anything. THIS STOPS NOW. I got a pretty sincere "yes ma'am" and they left knowing this probably wasn't over. I had no idea how Not Over it was...
The boys left and another mother who had been helping in class turned toward us. She told us about how boy1 had been bothering her son terribly... more along the lines of bullying in the true sense. I hesitate to call what Jack experienced bullying, more like being picked on or just having the hell bugged out of him. When you have the Guns of the Navarone in your corner it just won't go that far. As this mother is relaying her son's experience the assistant director shows up because he got wind of "The Crazy Counter Woman" making noise on campus. The crazy one as opposed to the nice and normal ones being my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, both of whom work for the schools. I'm The Other One that they aren't sure from whence I came. But I digress... She said that it had been brought to the attention of teachers last year, teachers took it to administration, and as far as she knew nothing happened because nothing changed. For what it's worth the interaction with boy2 was probably just a fluke. Up to this point he and Jack had clowned around together, but I think Jack probably couldn't take anything from anyone anymore.
Later that evening, and a couple of times since I have actually had the opportunity to talk with boy1's mother. She has called me to apologize, to get facts, find out details, etc. She told me he has a rough relationship with his twin, but had no idea that his behavior left the home. She was devastated to know that it had happened multiple times and they were never made aware. For a minute I wanted to call bullshit, but then I shut up. What she was telling me hit home a bit. Because I am crazy and hid it quite handily for decades and I have a beautiful fire-child with eyes like crystal pools who can fracture every relationship in this household leaving me in tears and thus far I am none the wiser as to any negative relationships with her peers.
I shouldn't be so quick to pass judgement. It is possible to have parents that aren't entirely aware and yet still give a shit. I guess there are always cracks that can be slipped through. Hypervigilance is exhausting. The way things came together that day... the turn of events, being in the right place at the right time, hearing a mother expressing willingness to help and even get help for her child to figure out what is going on inside...to have heard her hope and desire to take an active role in seeing that no one else will be hurt...
When we drove to school the next day I told Jack that despite the good feelings I had from talking with the boy's mother, Jack needed to prepare for the worst. However; I also wanted him to think of forgiveness and consider that on either side we don't know what is going on inside of someone that causes them to act the way they do, and he has had plenty of experience in that realm living with me. That evening he quietly told me that he was feeling very sad. I was too, and I told him that the past couple of days were kind of a lot and it was normal. Then he showed me a note that boy1 gave him. It was a very sincere apology. The words were well chosen, but very obviously from the mind of an 8th grade boy and not something coerced by parents. I can only hope that he uses this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
Because Jack stood up.
volcanoes
erupt
and
things change.