It's just the way my life cycles.
I don't really understand. I think I must've done some really awful things in past lives. Been a really awful friend many, many times.
I don't have any friends. Not here at Hamline anyway. They all graduated or moved away and I don't have much to do with them anymore. I have friends in my classes, I have friends at work. I don't have any real ones that I can sit around and do nothing with. Watch TV with, be lazy with. All the friends I have now are only the ones that you have to be doing something to hang out. And honestly, I don't do much besides work out and do homework. No wonder I have such good grades, I have no friends and I'm too smart to become a drug addict or an alcoholic to drown my sorrows in. So I drown them in homework. I thought last year would be like this, but somehow Luke swooped in and we were friends. And this year...we don't live by each other and we're not both in Res Life and we just never talk anymore. I talked to him more over the summer through post cards and text messages than I do now. The years before that I sort of had my theater friends and sort of had Sarah, and I had my residents which have always liked me. It's like all the people I could've been friends with have already made their ties and relationships with other people and I'm too late.
J term is going to be awful. I'm taking an independent study so I won't even have social interaction during class time. I'll have nothing.
All that keeps me going is thinking about going home, where I have my family, and where I actually do have friends. Who cares that most of them are alcoholic losers that are doing nothing. They're good people and they're my friends.
I can't talk to anyone about it. How can you tell people you have no friends? I can't tell my family because I don't want them to be sad for me. I can't tell my friends because I don't want them to know what a loser I am. I don't understand why I'm so bad at making friends. Why it took me until high school to have a best friend in Sarah. I had friends before that. Middle school was fine. But not in 2nd, 3rd, grade. I remember so badly just looking everywhere for a friend. That's kind of where I am now. I've gone through all of college not really being sure of my friendships. Not knowing if they would last, not knowing if they were really real. Apparently, none of them really were. None of them have, not in a real way. I remember being sad because I'd never had a freakin' boyfriend. Now I'd settle for even a friend.
I don't understand why life happens so differently to people. Why some people seem to have friends, and an active, ongoing, changing, love life without even noticing. And others just float through life independently.
Most the time I busy myself with what I need to do for work and class and what not. But sometimes it gets to me.
But not having someone that I'm most important to, it makes me feel like I dont' exist. No one would care if I dropped out of Hamline and was no longer here. It wouldn't change anyone's life. And that's depressing. I have no reason to be here anymore other than to graduate. What a nice way note to go out on...
This is why I'm scared to ever move somewhere away from home. To go to technical welding school, to go to comic booking college, to even move somewhere away from home to get a job. Apparently I can't make friends, or have a relationship, and I'll spend the rest of my life alone. That's what experience has taught me, and why would things change in the future?
Stupid tarot card reader. She told me sister that I wouldn't start a business with her because I'd happily be swept off my feet in a relationship with someone I met in school. Oh, and she also said that I'd have to try very hard not to get pregnant. Yeah, well, not that hard-it can't happen when you don't have someone. And yeah, I know, my standards are "too high". But I shouldn't have to settle to be happy. I guess in all honestly, I'd rather be alone and unhappy than with someone else who was making me unhappy.
I don't have any friends. Not here at Hamline anyway. They all graduated or moved away and I don't have much to do with them anymore. I have friends in my classes, I have friends at work. I don't have any real ones that I can sit around and do nothing with. Watch TV with, be lazy with. All the friends I have now are only the ones that you have to be doing something to hang out. And honestly, I don't do much besides work out and do homework. No wonder I have such good grades, I have no friends and I'm too smart to become a drug addict or an alcoholic to drown my sorrows in. So I drown them in homework. I thought last year would be like this, but somehow Luke swooped in and we were friends. And this year...we don't live by each other and we're not both in Res Life and we just never talk anymore. I talked to him more over the summer through post cards and text messages than I do now. The years before that I sort of had my theater friends and sort of had Sarah, and I had my residents which have always liked me. It's like all the people I could've been friends with have already made their ties and relationships with other people and I'm too late.
J term is going to be awful. I'm taking an independent study so I won't even have social interaction during class time. I'll have nothing.
All that keeps me going is thinking about going home, where I have my family, and where I actually do have friends. Who cares that most of them are alcoholic losers that are doing nothing. They're good people and they're my friends.
I can't talk to anyone about it. How can you tell people you have no friends? I can't tell my family because I don't want them to be sad for me. I can't tell my friends because I don't want them to know what a loser I am. I don't understand why I'm so bad at making friends. Why it took me until high school to have a best friend in Sarah. I had friends before that. Middle school was fine. But not in 2nd, 3rd, grade. I remember so badly just looking everywhere for a friend. That's kind of where I am now. I've gone through all of college not really being sure of my friendships. Not knowing if they would last, not knowing if they were really real. Apparently, none of them really were. None of them have, not in a real way. I remember being sad because I'd never had a freakin' boyfriend. Now I'd settle for even a friend.
I don't understand why life happens so differently to people. Why some people seem to have friends, and an active, ongoing, changing, love life without even noticing. And others just float through life independently.
Most the time I busy myself with what I need to do for work and class and what not. But sometimes it gets to me.
But not having someone that I'm most important to, it makes me feel like I dont' exist. No one would care if I dropped out of Hamline and was no longer here. It wouldn't change anyone's life. And that's depressing. I have no reason to be here anymore other than to graduate. What a nice way note to go out on...
This is why I'm scared to ever move somewhere away from home. To go to technical welding school, to go to comic booking college, to even move somewhere away from home to get a job. Apparently I can't make friends, or have a relationship, and I'll spend the rest of my life alone. That's what experience has taught me, and why would things change in the future?
Stupid tarot card reader. She told me sister that I wouldn't start a business with her because I'd happily be swept off my feet in a relationship with someone I met in school. Oh, and she also said that I'd have to try very hard not to get pregnant. Yeah, well, not that hard-it can't happen when you don't have someone. And yeah, I know, my standards are "too high". But I shouldn't have to settle to be happy. I guess in all honestly, I'd rather be alone and unhappy than with someone else who was making me unhappy.