Carina in Paris
Today started with a message from Jules, saying sorry, she fell asleep last night and thus didn't finish our SMS convo that I thought was finished anyway.
I've been nervous about that, texting to each other, because I know I want to just keep going, but that I will do it too much and fear looking stupid. So instead, I probably look too cold by trying to end it. Oh well whatevs.
Nothing major today, more of the same. Carina rang from Paris on Viber, and that worked well enough save for the annoying traffic outside. Doh.
I raised the point of how I didn't like us talking about Jules in the way we'd talk about other girls, and Carina replied that she always feel tension whenever talking about any girls with me. I did feel tension at this time, but as far as I can remember, I haven't before, and I replied as such. Nevertheless, the tension remark sat inside me. Why do we have tension? I feel like we shouldn't. The subway thing was tension. There was tension in some of the phonecalls afterwards. I feel like we shouldn't because I feel that I can dissolve it all away with love and such. At the same time, I know that the tension is my fault. It is me that reacts. They are my emotions that cause these things to be raised. It is the weird way I work that makes me need to just correct things that aren't perfect; things that make me feel even a little bad. That's not a surprise to me, as I feel like I am always juggling events in life, little events, just to keep feeling ok. So, I know it's me.
But yeah, when she said it today, it kind of increased it. I thanked her, even praised practically, for acknowledging it, but I don't think it dissolved it. As I started to talk about how I felt I could always dissolve it, she reminded me that we were just friends. Fair enough I guess. I don't really believe any tension has to exist though. Perhaps even as a friend I still am asking too much to say "I am going to love you a lot as a friend." Because ultimately, if I do ever manage to do that freely, ultimately I need them to accept it. To share it, I suppose is the right thing to say there. Not to give me something back; not that feeling. But to feel good, and feel happy that I love them.
What else today? Not much else. I must sleep now, to wake up in 6 hours to see Jules. There is worry that I don't think about, I can't be bothered caring. I look forward to seeing her though. I hope it goes well. I hope I don't do that thing where I worry about getting everything right.
I've been nervous about that, texting to each other, because I know I want to just keep going, but that I will do it too much and fear looking stupid. So instead, I probably look too cold by trying to end it. Oh well whatevs.
Nothing major today, more of the same. Carina rang from Paris on Viber, and that worked well enough save for the annoying traffic outside. Doh.
I raised the point of how I didn't like us talking about Jules in the way we'd talk about other girls, and Carina replied that she always feel tension whenever talking about any girls with me. I did feel tension at this time, but as far as I can remember, I haven't before, and I replied as such. Nevertheless, the tension remark sat inside me. Why do we have tension? I feel like we shouldn't. The subway thing was tension. There was tension in some of the phonecalls afterwards. I feel like we shouldn't because I feel that I can dissolve it all away with love and such. At the same time, I know that the tension is my fault. It is me that reacts. They are my emotions that cause these things to be raised. It is the weird way I work that makes me need to just correct things that aren't perfect; things that make me feel even a little bad. That's not a surprise to me, as I feel like I am always juggling events in life, little events, just to keep feeling ok. So, I know it's me.
But yeah, when she said it today, it kind of increased it. I thanked her, even praised practically, for acknowledging it, but I don't think it dissolved it. As I started to talk about how I felt I could always dissolve it, she reminded me that we were just friends. Fair enough I guess. I don't really believe any tension has to exist though. Perhaps even as a friend I still am asking too much to say "I am going to love you a lot as a friend." Because ultimately, if I do ever manage to do that freely, ultimately I need them to accept it. To share it, I suppose is the right thing to say there. Not to give me something back; not that feeling. But to feel good, and feel happy that I love them.
What else today? Not much else. I must sleep now, to wake up in 6 hours to see Jules. There is worry that I don't think about, I can't be bothered caring. I look forward to seeing her though. I hope it goes well. I hope I don't do that thing where I worry about getting everything right.