Apparently, I am on crack tonight
I am too hyper.. but I'm exhausted. I should not have had three Pepsi cans at my mom's house. filled with pepsi of course.. I didn't just.. eat the cans.
there was also of course the donut factor.
sugar sugar more sugar and sugar.
Sky is being an asshole, but what else is new.
Colby and I just finished watching Casablanca.
It reminded me of an October evening in Maine with a fire, and some wine, after a nice steak dinner. It was the first memory in a long time that didn't burn me to relive.
I guess that flame is finally distinguishing.. it's been long enough. I've felt bad enough. I've blamed myself long enough. And I've been distant long enough to feel it less and less everyday.
There's still a few controlled parts of that fire that I keep.. but it's a pain and a burning that I need, some sort of memory like that to say "never let this happen again"
Not so much never let love happen again..
but don't let it go down like it did when and if it does.
Love sometimes isn't forever, I know this.. the world knows this.. divorce attorneys know this.
So I think it's more so in the time you spend while you're in love.. while you're in that.. those memories.. those moments.. those things last forever.
and some are for the good of your heart if you keep them there.
and some are just painful.. so you can lock them up and save them for a rainy day when you want to feel alone and sorry for yourself.
but as the years pass, those moments are few and far between.
Between time you spend with friends who love you... even if you play pillow music versions of Queen songs at 3am. and those who drive all the way from Rhode Island just to have dinner with you on your birthday.. and those who surround you with small reminders everyday that you're a part of their life. Simple things.. text messages, voice mail, phone calls, emails.. simple reminders of "hey, I love you."
Especially if you are in the aforementioned feeling alone and sorry for yourself type moods.
And it's times like this... that it greatly saddens me that there are a few people on this earth who underestimate me.
and so little time.. and so little energy to want to prove them wrong.
but deep down, it sincerely hurts my heart that I can't.
I won't though.. it will drop.. it will pass.. it will burn out.. this hurt.. just like everything else.. just like summer.. just like the rain cooling the air right this very moment...
this too, shall pass, said a wise man.
But in passing, does it really have to run you over..?
Instead of politely saying "excuse me.. I'd like to just pass through here."
But.. it passes like a New Yorker in a hurry on a busy Monday morning... slamming you to the ground.. with a sadistically sarcastic "it was wonderful visiting your town, hope to come again soon" sign posted on the back of the train as you get up just in time to see it fade off in the distance.
And it's just disappointing to know that some people will just never understand what I mean. Never, in a million years. And I've sincerely been working on it.
Obviously, I need to work a little harder.
there was also of course the donut factor.
sugar sugar more sugar and sugar.
Sky is being an asshole, but what else is new.
Colby and I just finished watching Casablanca.
It reminded me of an October evening in Maine with a fire, and some wine, after a nice steak dinner. It was the first memory in a long time that didn't burn me to relive.
I guess that flame is finally distinguishing.. it's been long enough. I've felt bad enough. I've blamed myself long enough. And I've been distant long enough to feel it less and less everyday.
There's still a few controlled parts of that fire that I keep.. but it's a pain and a burning that I need, some sort of memory like that to say "never let this happen again"
Not so much never let love happen again..
but don't let it go down like it did when and if it does.
Love sometimes isn't forever, I know this.. the world knows this.. divorce attorneys know this.
So I think it's more so in the time you spend while you're in love.. while you're in that.. those memories.. those moments.. those things last forever.
and some are for the good of your heart if you keep them there.
and some are just painful.. so you can lock them up and save them for a rainy day when you want to feel alone and sorry for yourself.
but as the years pass, those moments are few and far between.
Between time you spend with friends who love you... even if you play pillow music versions of Queen songs at 3am. and those who drive all the way from Rhode Island just to have dinner with you on your birthday.. and those who surround you with small reminders everyday that you're a part of their life. Simple things.. text messages, voice mail, phone calls, emails.. simple reminders of "hey, I love you."
Especially if you are in the aforementioned feeling alone and sorry for yourself type moods.
And it's times like this... that it greatly saddens me that there are a few people on this earth who underestimate me.
and so little time.. and so little energy to want to prove them wrong.
but deep down, it sincerely hurts my heart that I can't.
I won't though.. it will drop.. it will pass.. it will burn out.. this hurt.. just like everything else.. just like summer.. just like the rain cooling the air right this very moment...
this too, shall pass, said a wise man.
But in passing, does it really have to run you over..?
Instead of politely saying "excuse me.. I'd like to just pass through here."
But.. it passes like a New Yorker in a hurry on a busy Monday morning... slamming you to the ground.. with a sadistically sarcastic "it was wonderful visiting your town, hope to come again soon" sign posted on the back of the train as you get up just in time to see it fade off in the distance.
And it's just disappointing to know that some people will just never understand what I mean. Never, in a million years. And I've sincerely been working on it.
Obviously, I need to work a little harder.