(no subject)
Wow... it's been a while, and I've even been online quite often with school and such over the last months, but as always, I'm quite distractable.
Gosh, What's up with me. Lots. School went great this term. I should have gotten a 4.0, but I messed up my internet Art Appreciation class, which should have been a breeze, and only got a B in that one, so I guess I gotta be satisfied with ~3.8gpa... still quite a bit better than my usual Alma grades. State schooling is just not as difficult as a private liberal arts school. But a heck of a lot cheaper. A whole 4 years at Eastern Michigan costs less than one year at Alma does. And I'm getting just as good an education, although I think that comes from the fact that I'm putting much more effort into my schooling than I did at Alma, and not that the professorial competence is equivalent. Which isn't to speak badly of my professors at Eastern. I'm certainly having as much fun at Eastern as I did at Alma.
A lot of the reason I'm having as much fun has to do with the girls. There are so many, and just being exposed to all this young female company is doing wonders for my mood, despite my lack of real relationships with nearly all of them. I've become good friends with a few though. Two particular girls are well worth mentioning. One of them is my friend Megan. She has muscular dystrophy, which is probably why we met in the first place. I've become much more sensitive to disability issues due to Brandon's unfortunate situation, and as such when I encountered Megan on campus it was very easy to chat with her, knowing the loneliness that arises from disability. She's become a good friend of mine, although she is most definitely in love with me (a condition which I haven't done much to dissuade; it's so hard to say "No" to someone so needy.... damn my caretaker nature) and we hang out quite often. Through Megan I met a good friend of hers, by the name of Maria. Maria and I hit it off immediately, and became fast friends, and have spent most every day of the past term hanging out together. She's forced me to learn some guitar, refusing to accept my excuse that I have no musical talent. She's encouraged me to exercise as well, which is good, because regular exercise may actually get me to quit smoking, something I badly need to do before the cancer sets in. I may be in love with her, I'm not really sure if I can differentiate between that and infatuation, or just lust. She also happens to be engaged, although I think the fiancee is quite ill-suited for her, but that's none of my business. I'm very wary of this, though, as Mary was also quite attached to a fellow when I met her, intending to get back together with him eventually, and even after months of dating she intended to get back with him. She claimed to have given up on him, but upon our journey out west to the Rainbow gathering in 2003 met up with him after I drove her across the country and cheated on me with him. Don't judge her, though, things were definitely quite unhealthy in our relationship at the time, and I hardly blame her... By that time it was just a matter of how our relationship would die, and not if.
Yeah... girl issues are a mess. Cassie and I are still in contact... I was talking to her the other night, and she seemed to be hinting at the fact that she's fallen for me again. I like her a lot. A lot a lot. We never fight, she makes me laugh, I love her voice.... but I don't know if I can honestly claim to return her sentiments, and I feel awful about that. So between her and Megan, I'm stringing along two girls, and want the one I can't have (although there definitely is evidence that Maria is interested as well... I'm not that foolish... well, I am that foolish, but I like to pretend otherwise) and it's causing a sort of slow-burning moral crisis to keep my mind occupied. Hooray for drama, eh? Boredom is a thing of the past when you've got love triangles...
I think, really, I love them all, and all the other Ex's as well... They've all helped to make my life the fascinating journey that it's been. I just need to figure out how to... umm... I don't know exactly what I need to figure out, but I don't think I'm doing things right, is all. Regardless, it's all fun, and I think in the long run, I'll be comfortable with the morality of my actions.
Now on to the depressing shit.
My brother Alex still hasn't spoken to me since September of 2003. It hurts more than just about anything I've ever experienced. It's not like the hot acute pain of a break-up... it's this slow burn, combined with this emptiness.... I miss him so much, and even after all this distance, I still feel closer to him than anyone else in the world. I bought him gifts for Xmas and his birthday (12-23), but he decided not to make the 15 minute drive to my moms for the holidays because I managed to make my way there this time. He purposefully avoided me. It hurts. I bought him George R.R. Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" series ('cept for Feast for Crows) and "The Deed of Paksenarrion" by Elizabeth Moon. Two of the best fantasy series I've ever read. I remember when he was younger, he was having trouble learning to read by the methods that they taught in school. They put him in the special ed classes. I knew he wasn't dumb, he just wasn't interested in reading, so I decided that I ought to read "Magician's Apprentice" by Raymond E. Feist to him, figuring that some epic fantasy would spark his interest in words. I really loved being able to help him with that, and was so proud of him as he excelled in schooling from then on, putting an end to all thoughts that he had a learning disability (I heard he got an 800 on his math GREs.... WTG Alex! You show them!). He ravenously devoured all kinds of fantasy books after that, and I used to buy him the new Robert Jordan books as they came out. I hope he reads Martin, those books may be even better than Robert Jordan (and if you've read the rest of my journal you know that's high praise from me.) but I think he may forgo it just because the books came from me. I dunno.... writing this is making me misty-eyed, I don't want to talk about it anymore... If you know my brother maybe you can get him to read this entry, or something, since he wont communicate with me at all... I guess I shouldn't have been such an emotional mess growing up... or at least shouldn't have taken it out on him. He seems to think I have no respect for him, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. Aside from the lack of forgiveness, I admire his strength more than most anyone I know. He's accomplished so much, without a lot of the blessings that I was given (I sucked up a lot of the parental attention with my insanity) and is most certainly destined for great things. He can charm anyone from the moment he meets them, and I wish I could imitate that ease. He's just as smart as I am, but a much harder worker, not to mention better looking. Fuck. I could certainly use his advice... and he's 6 years younger than me, yet so often I find myself thinking that he would have just the wisdom I need to make the proper decision. He helped me out all the time when we were on good terms. Damn, wasn't I gonna stop writing about this? I'm really depressed now.
Okay... let's end this on an up note.
Christmas otherwise rocked. Got along quite well with my brother Peter, my mom, and my Aunt Georgia. Saw all sorts of family types around, including my cousin Jen (closest to my age of all the first cousin and closer family) she has two kids now and is back in Maryland after serving in Okinawa and Iraq. That leaves me as the oldest on my mom's side w/out children, although thankfully there aren't any younger than me with children, or even married, although all the cousins (and my brother Peter) between mine and Alex's age have been in relationships for at least 3 years. It's kinda trippy watchin the next generations form...
Got a few clothes, and a gel candle, and a wicker basket, some towels... more gifts than I've gotten in a long time (got nothing for my b-day, 'cept my friend Theresa made me a cake. Rock on, T!) although of course, my father did get me a house, so I certainly can't complain of deprivation... it just was nice to make out like a bandit on them days when I was younger. I don't really need much though, these days. However, if you feel like it, I will accept any gifts =)
Um... oh you guys may want to know how Brandon's doing, since last I wrote he was about to leave for Portugal for experimental surgery. Not so great, I guess, but not so bad. He apparently can twitch his thumb now, which is a little improvement, and he feels more nerve pain (which is kinda an improvement, 'cept it hurts) but the full effects of the surgery aren't supposed to completely manifest until six months from the surgery... so there's 3 1/2 months left. I hope things get better for him. He seems pretty cheery though, he may be moving out of his house and down towards my area with his girlfriend. That would be awesome, if he can manage to work it out well.
Other than that, I've been occupying my spare time with the game Kingdom of Loathing
http://www.kingdomofloathing.com
It's a humorous rpg of sorts, with a remarkably organic economy that really gives the game it's depth. Almost all the commerce in the game is between players and as such real economic principles apply in the game. I think someone could do an interesting thesis on the topic... perhaps I will if I decide to pursue an economics major at Eastern. Check out the game. You can find me in the game as Drizzo or Mad Hamish. It's fun.
Well... I guess that's about it, this is a sizable update here, eh? Probably a bit too much information on the girl issues to be safe, and there's a lot left out. If you are one of the girls, umm... don't judge and talk to me, I'm not always sure if what I write is exactly what I mean. Oh well, I'm feeling really honest today. Consequences be damned! Damn the torpedoes! Yarrrr!
-D
Gosh, What's up with me. Lots. School went great this term. I should have gotten a 4.0, but I messed up my internet Art Appreciation class, which should have been a breeze, and only got a B in that one, so I guess I gotta be satisfied with ~3.8gpa... still quite a bit better than my usual Alma grades. State schooling is just not as difficult as a private liberal arts school. But a heck of a lot cheaper. A whole 4 years at Eastern Michigan costs less than one year at Alma does. And I'm getting just as good an education, although I think that comes from the fact that I'm putting much more effort into my schooling than I did at Alma, and not that the professorial competence is equivalent. Which isn't to speak badly of my professors at Eastern. I'm certainly having as much fun at Eastern as I did at Alma.
A lot of the reason I'm having as much fun has to do with the girls. There are so many, and just being exposed to all this young female company is doing wonders for my mood, despite my lack of real relationships with nearly all of them. I've become good friends with a few though. Two particular girls are well worth mentioning. One of them is my friend Megan. She has muscular dystrophy, which is probably why we met in the first place. I've become much more sensitive to disability issues due to Brandon's unfortunate situation, and as such when I encountered Megan on campus it was very easy to chat with her, knowing the loneliness that arises from disability. She's become a good friend of mine, although she is most definitely in love with me (a condition which I haven't done much to dissuade; it's so hard to say "No" to someone so needy.... damn my caretaker nature) and we hang out quite often. Through Megan I met a good friend of hers, by the name of Maria. Maria and I hit it off immediately, and became fast friends, and have spent most every day of the past term hanging out together. She's forced me to learn some guitar, refusing to accept my excuse that I have no musical talent. She's encouraged me to exercise as well, which is good, because regular exercise may actually get me to quit smoking, something I badly need to do before the cancer sets in. I may be in love with her, I'm not really sure if I can differentiate between that and infatuation, or just lust. She also happens to be engaged, although I think the fiancee is quite ill-suited for her, but that's none of my business. I'm very wary of this, though, as Mary was also quite attached to a fellow when I met her, intending to get back together with him eventually, and even after months of dating she intended to get back with him. She claimed to have given up on him, but upon our journey out west to the Rainbow gathering in 2003 met up with him after I drove her across the country and cheated on me with him. Don't judge her, though, things were definitely quite unhealthy in our relationship at the time, and I hardly blame her... By that time it was just a matter of how our relationship would die, and not if.
Yeah... girl issues are a mess. Cassie and I are still in contact... I was talking to her the other night, and she seemed to be hinting at the fact that she's fallen for me again. I like her a lot. A lot a lot. We never fight, she makes me laugh, I love her voice.... but I don't know if I can honestly claim to return her sentiments, and I feel awful about that. So between her and Megan, I'm stringing along two girls, and want the one I can't have (although there definitely is evidence that Maria is interested as well... I'm not that foolish... well, I am that foolish, but I like to pretend otherwise) and it's causing a sort of slow-burning moral crisis to keep my mind occupied. Hooray for drama, eh? Boredom is a thing of the past when you've got love triangles...
I think, really, I love them all, and all the other Ex's as well... They've all helped to make my life the fascinating journey that it's been. I just need to figure out how to... umm... I don't know exactly what I need to figure out, but I don't think I'm doing things right, is all. Regardless, it's all fun, and I think in the long run, I'll be comfortable with the morality of my actions.
Now on to the depressing shit.
My brother Alex still hasn't spoken to me since September of 2003. It hurts more than just about anything I've ever experienced. It's not like the hot acute pain of a break-up... it's this slow burn, combined with this emptiness.... I miss him so much, and even after all this distance, I still feel closer to him than anyone else in the world. I bought him gifts for Xmas and his birthday (12-23), but he decided not to make the 15 minute drive to my moms for the holidays because I managed to make my way there this time. He purposefully avoided me. It hurts. I bought him George R.R. Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" series ('cept for Feast for Crows) and "The Deed of Paksenarrion" by Elizabeth Moon. Two of the best fantasy series I've ever read. I remember when he was younger, he was having trouble learning to read by the methods that they taught in school. They put him in the special ed classes. I knew he wasn't dumb, he just wasn't interested in reading, so I decided that I ought to read "Magician's Apprentice" by Raymond E. Feist to him, figuring that some epic fantasy would spark his interest in words. I really loved being able to help him with that, and was so proud of him as he excelled in schooling from then on, putting an end to all thoughts that he had a learning disability (I heard he got an 800 on his math GREs.... WTG Alex! You show them!). He ravenously devoured all kinds of fantasy books after that, and I used to buy him the new Robert Jordan books as they came out. I hope he reads Martin, those books may be even better than Robert Jordan (and if you've read the rest of my journal you know that's high praise from me.) but I think he may forgo it just because the books came from me. I dunno.... writing this is making me misty-eyed, I don't want to talk about it anymore... If you know my brother maybe you can get him to read this entry, or something, since he wont communicate with me at all... I guess I shouldn't have been such an emotional mess growing up... or at least shouldn't have taken it out on him. He seems to think I have no respect for him, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. Aside from the lack of forgiveness, I admire his strength more than most anyone I know. He's accomplished so much, without a lot of the blessings that I was given (I sucked up a lot of the parental attention with my insanity) and is most certainly destined for great things. He can charm anyone from the moment he meets them, and I wish I could imitate that ease. He's just as smart as I am, but a much harder worker, not to mention better looking. Fuck. I could certainly use his advice... and he's 6 years younger than me, yet so often I find myself thinking that he would have just the wisdom I need to make the proper decision. He helped me out all the time when we were on good terms. Damn, wasn't I gonna stop writing about this? I'm really depressed now.
Okay... let's end this on an up note.
Christmas otherwise rocked. Got along quite well with my brother Peter, my mom, and my Aunt Georgia. Saw all sorts of family types around, including my cousin Jen (closest to my age of all the first cousin and closer family) she has two kids now and is back in Maryland after serving in Okinawa and Iraq. That leaves me as the oldest on my mom's side w/out children, although thankfully there aren't any younger than me with children, or even married, although all the cousins (and my brother Peter) between mine and Alex's age have been in relationships for at least 3 years. It's kinda trippy watchin the next generations form...
Got a few clothes, and a gel candle, and a wicker basket, some towels... more gifts than I've gotten in a long time (got nothing for my b-day, 'cept my friend Theresa made me a cake. Rock on, T!) although of course, my father did get me a house, so I certainly can't complain of deprivation... it just was nice to make out like a bandit on them days when I was younger. I don't really need much though, these days. However, if you feel like it, I will accept any gifts =)
Um... oh you guys may want to know how Brandon's doing, since last I wrote he was about to leave for Portugal for experimental surgery. Not so great, I guess, but not so bad. He apparently can twitch his thumb now, which is a little improvement, and he feels more nerve pain (which is kinda an improvement, 'cept it hurts) but the full effects of the surgery aren't supposed to completely manifest until six months from the surgery... so there's 3 1/2 months left. I hope things get better for him. He seems pretty cheery though, he may be moving out of his house and down towards my area with his girlfriend. That would be awesome, if he can manage to work it out well.
Other than that, I've been occupying my spare time with the game Kingdom of Loathing
http://www.kingdomofloathing.com
It's a humorous rpg of sorts, with a remarkably organic economy that really gives the game it's depth. Almost all the commerce in the game is between players and as such real economic principles apply in the game. I think someone could do an interesting thesis on the topic... perhaps I will if I decide to pursue an economics major at Eastern. Check out the game. You can find me in the game as Drizzo or Mad Hamish. It's fun.
Well... I guess that's about it, this is a sizable update here, eh? Probably a bit too much information on the girl issues to be safe, and there's a lot left out. If you are one of the girls, umm... don't judge and talk to me, I'm not always sure if what I write is exactly what I mean. Oh well, I'm feeling really honest today. Consequences be damned! Damn the torpedoes! Yarrrr!
-D