A change of location
Well, here it is, what is likely my final night in this state. I'm moving back to the great white north tomorrow. Michigan. And I'm excited. It's amazing what distance and nearly a year of desperate loneliness will do for your appreciation of a location. I couldn't wait to get out of there, now I can hardly wait to get back.
What did I accomplish down here? I've been questioning myself on that matter lately, and haven't entirely been able to give myself a satisfactory answer. I think a lot of it was breaking free of the Alma scene, and breaking free of Mary, both of which I've done -- although I'll likely visit Alma a good bit during this next school year, and as you can probably tell from my previous posts, Mary still has an effect on me. However it seems like I'm not entirely trapped in a bubble of reality that limits myself to the options of Mary and Alma. I gained a little knowledge of the area around here, to boot, although I became quite a recluse by the end of my time here. I certainly learned a lot about music... Partially thanks to having a broadband connection and a hard drive all to myself for the first time, but also thanks to my friend known on the LJ community as Asleeponatrain, who has fed me excellent music for the past several months, and really had a lot to do with keeping me sane while I was down here. She actually called me today, and we spoke for the first time, after IMing for months now, but her phone ran out of batteries after just a couple minutes, which really is a shame. I hope I can communicate with her again before I leave town, but she's not online, and I don't know any other way to get ahold of her other than her dead cell-phone. Regardless, aside from the funky lizards everywhere, she's about the only thing I'm gonna miss around here. I will be able to keep in contact with her though, once I get internet up in Michigan. That may take a while though. I'm certainly not going to get an internet connection active until I find a job, since that's only gonna act as a distraction. So yes, dedicated fans of my LJ -- No updates for a while. Sorry. Not like I've been good about updating it recently. Hopefully back in Michigan I'll have more stories and entertaining vignettes than angst and loneliness to share. Anyway, much love to my friend Nichole, and hopefully she'll have good cheer and luck 'til I hear from her again.
Anyway, back to my tales of moving. I'm going to be floating in the homeless/furnitureless limbo until the 9th, which is kinda how I like it, lets me be free to wander as I like, but of course I'm still attached to my kitty that time, and have an obligation to go visit my family, and hopefully will have some time to pay superrelax and iburnbridges a visit while I'm in DC to boot. I'll likely see my brother Alex in Baltimore too, unless he leaves town to avoid me. I haven't spoked with him since September, not because I'm angry with him, but because I think he's likely angry with me. We got in a fight over some stupid bullshit, me being overly tense about my massive life changes, and his long-term issues with the way I've treated him for years. He claimed I don't have any respect for him, which is the farthest thing in the world from the truth, but my actions don't necessarily say that. I admire the hell out of my bro though, he's smart, and driven, and a genuinely nice fellow, with good morals. Which is something you don't really see too often in kids as good-looking and charming and well-off as he is. I'm nervous about seeing him, but hopefully it'll go well, as I really don't want to be on bad terms with him, and this festering badness between us has gone on too long. Overall, he's really the member of my family I feel closest to, my father is always so cold and logical, we talk a lot and have a good relationship, but sometimes it seems like I'm not really interacting with the real him, I think he hides that a lot. My mom is the opposite, her emotions are very surface, yet because we're both such emotional people we have conflicts a lot, plus it seems like she often wishes she could change me. 'course my father does too, but it seems like he wants me to just be what I can be... while my mother has some image in her mind, although I don't really know what it is. My brother Peter is great, he's funny, and helpful, and nice, and smart, but he's so withdrawn all the time, even though I've known him his whole life, he seems a mystery to me... I just don't understand his motivations a lot.
Alex, I think, I understand better, probably better than he thinks I do. Understanding doesn't necessarily mean that I have any sense of what to do though. But we've just had so much between us. We played a lot more when he was younger, although I tormented him more too... but I think that was just my misguided way of showing brotherly affection... I was pretty brutally cruel to him though. He got really really strong once he got into his teenage years, I think a lot so he could defend himself against me. I wish I hadn't been so mean to him, but past is past, and regret will only waste energy. I just have to make sure that he knows how much I care for him, and see if I can maybe figure out on what level I need to interact with him so that we can get along. Regardless, when we communicate, he gets a more honest description of my head than anybody else, not that I necessarily try to hide or deceive the rest of my family, but I feel like he can understand better than the rest of my family. Yeah, I really miss talking to him. So that's decided, I must set things right while I'm around... my whole life I've always had nightmares about something horrible happening to him, I don't really know why, I never really have any about the rest of my family that I can recall. I definitely couldn't live with myself if something happened to him and things weren't on good terms. Which reminds me of a dream I had the other night. I dreamed about my Grandmother Irene, who died back around Christmas of 2001, and I hadn't talked to her in years -- until maybe 2 weeks beforehand. I was angry at her, I didn't like the way she talked to me, and the way she treated my mom, and I cut her out of my life. Then 2 weeks before she died, I gave her a call, because I didn't want to hold spite anymore. I apologized for being so distant, told her I loved her despite out rocky past, she said she was glad to hear from me, and just wanted to get my address to send me a check for my birthday/xmas. I gave it to her, she thanked me, and I tried to ask her how she had been... she said the check would be in the mail, and that she needed to go, and hung up. I got the check, and used the money to go see a Bad Boy Bill show, which was absolutely phenomenal, everything worked out perfectly, and was pretty much the ideal concert experience of my life. The next day, I found out she had died that day. It was really surreal, but I'm glad that I set things right. ANYWAY -- back to the dream. I'm not exactly sure what she was doing in it, but I recall at one point breaking down in tears and giving her a hug saying I missed her and wished I had a chance to talk to her more before she died, find out her stories. I never really realized it before that dream, or even really before now... But I do wish I had her stories. I think perhaps I'll try and record a family history.. Now I'm not much of a genealogist by inclination, wouldn't really want to be, but I'd really like to be able to tell my children about their family. My father has told me stories about his father and grandfather, but unfortunately his father died when he was in his early twenties, so he never really had a chance to learn as much about his family history as he'd like. I don't much care who my ancestors are, but stories... tales.... that's how we pass on something of our lives. I think that's why I aspire to be an author, so that I can pass on stories, give people little windows into my life years to come.
Well anyway, that's enough on that front for now. Lets move on to the future in Michigan. I'm living in the same apartment complex as my buddy Brandon's gf's sister, an old friend of mine, Becky Johnston. We kinda stopped hanging out because I was too much of a pothead, and she was a well-behaved and sweet girl, but it'll be cool to have her as a neighbor, even though I doubt I'll see her much. Her husband, who I also know a little, and is a cool fellow, although again not enough of a pothead to be a close college friend of mine. Also, other friends of Brandon's who I've hung out with and very much enjoyed their company, Jeremy and Mo, are going to be living in this apartment complex as well. Which is cool, I always hit on Mo whenever I see her, because she's a cool redheaded tomboy. She humors me, but likely isn't interested, but that's okay, she humors me so it's fun regardless of the fact that its a futile endeavor. I have a more real ladyfriend anyway waiting eagerly for me to return. Which is a whole set of weirdness, but I certainly appreciate that she's attracted to me, and enjoys my personality enough to call me a lot, but I certainly don't feel really ready to have any sort of dating relationship after this long term period of solitude in florida, yet I think that it's possible that we might end up entering that territory just because of the convenience of it. Regardless it'll be fun, and I'll do my best to treat her right. I dunno, if any physical relationship I've ever had would not get overly complicated, this one would be it... we've had that kind of friends with benefits thing before, although that was more using each other for sex -- It just happens we're better friends now... regardless we'll see...
Anyway, that's about it for now, I've got some more packing to do. But I'll leave you with what my playlist has gifted me with since I started typing -- My full collection on random has given me:
1 - Non-Phixion - Our Peoples
2 - Quasimoto - Green Power
3 - Belle & Sebastian - I'm a Cuckoo (edit)
4 - Das Efx - Mic Checka
5 - Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairy Tale
6 - Afro-Celt Sound System - Dark Moon, High Tide
7 - Pixies - Oh My Golly!
8 - Eminem - Monkey See, Monkey Do
9 - Beck - Trouble All My Days
10 - David Bowie - I know it's gonna happen someday
11 - Eels - Ant Farm
12 - They Might Be Giants - Piece of Dirt
13 - Deltron 3030 - Positive Contact
14 - Fugazi - The Kill
15 - Fugazi - Instrument
16 - James - P.S.
17 - Al Franken - Lies and the Lying Liars 29-39
18 - Kate Bush - The Dreaming
19 - King Crimson - One More Red Nightmare
20 - Non-Phixion - Argument
21 - Queen - Cool Cat
22 - Tool - Undertow
23 - Portishead - Elysium
24 - The Streets - Could Well Be In
25 - Tori Amos - Space Dog
What did I accomplish down here? I've been questioning myself on that matter lately, and haven't entirely been able to give myself a satisfactory answer. I think a lot of it was breaking free of the Alma scene, and breaking free of Mary, both of which I've done -- although I'll likely visit Alma a good bit during this next school year, and as you can probably tell from my previous posts, Mary still has an effect on me. However it seems like I'm not entirely trapped in a bubble of reality that limits myself to the options of Mary and Alma. I gained a little knowledge of the area around here, to boot, although I became quite a recluse by the end of my time here. I certainly learned a lot about music... Partially thanks to having a broadband connection and a hard drive all to myself for the first time, but also thanks to my friend known on the LJ community as Asleeponatrain, who has fed me excellent music for the past several months, and really had a lot to do with keeping me sane while I was down here. She actually called me today, and we spoke for the first time, after IMing for months now, but her phone ran out of batteries after just a couple minutes, which really is a shame. I hope I can communicate with her again before I leave town, but she's not online, and I don't know any other way to get ahold of her other than her dead cell-phone. Regardless, aside from the funky lizards everywhere, she's about the only thing I'm gonna miss around here. I will be able to keep in contact with her though, once I get internet up in Michigan. That may take a while though. I'm certainly not going to get an internet connection active until I find a job, since that's only gonna act as a distraction. So yes, dedicated fans of my LJ -- No updates for a while. Sorry. Not like I've been good about updating it recently. Hopefully back in Michigan I'll have more stories and entertaining vignettes than angst and loneliness to share. Anyway, much love to my friend Nichole, and hopefully she'll have good cheer and luck 'til I hear from her again.
Anyway, back to my tales of moving. I'm going to be floating in the homeless/furnitureless limbo until the 9th, which is kinda how I like it, lets me be free to wander as I like, but of course I'm still attached to my kitty that time, and have an obligation to go visit my family, and hopefully will have some time to pay superrelax and iburnbridges a visit while I'm in DC to boot. I'll likely see my brother Alex in Baltimore too, unless he leaves town to avoid me. I haven't spoked with him since September, not because I'm angry with him, but because I think he's likely angry with me. We got in a fight over some stupid bullshit, me being overly tense about my massive life changes, and his long-term issues with the way I've treated him for years. He claimed I don't have any respect for him, which is the farthest thing in the world from the truth, but my actions don't necessarily say that. I admire the hell out of my bro though, he's smart, and driven, and a genuinely nice fellow, with good morals. Which is something you don't really see too often in kids as good-looking and charming and well-off as he is. I'm nervous about seeing him, but hopefully it'll go well, as I really don't want to be on bad terms with him, and this festering badness between us has gone on too long. Overall, he's really the member of my family I feel closest to, my father is always so cold and logical, we talk a lot and have a good relationship, but sometimes it seems like I'm not really interacting with the real him, I think he hides that a lot. My mom is the opposite, her emotions are very surface, yet because we're both such emotional people we have conflicts a lot, plus it seems like she often wishes she could change me. 'course my father does too, but it seems like he wants me to just be what I can be... while my mother has some image in her mind, although I don't really know what it is. My brother Peter is great, he's funny, and helpful, and nice, and smart, but he's so withdrawn all the time, even though I've known him his whole life, he seems a mystery to me... I just don't understand his motivations a lot.
Alex, I think, I understand better, probably better than he thinks I do. Understanding doesn't necessarily mean that I have any sense of what to do though. But we've just had so much between us. We played a lot more when he was younger, although I tormented him more too... but I think that was just my misguided way of showing brotherly affection... I was pretty brutally cruel to him though. He got really really strong once he got into his teenage years, I think a lot so he could defend himself against me. I wish I hadn't been so mean to him, but past is past, and regret will only waste energy. I just have to make sure that he knows how much I care for him, and see if I can maybe figure out on what level I need to interact with him so that we can get along. Regardless, when we communicate, he gets a more honest description of my head than anybody else, not that I necessarily try to hide or deceive the rest of my family, but I feel like he can understand better than the rest of my family. Yeah, I really miss talking to him. So that's decided, I must set things right while I'm around... my whole life I've always had nightmares about something horrible happening to him, I don't really know why, I never really have any about the rest of my family that I can recall. I definitely couldn't live with myself if something happened to him and things weren't on good terms. Which reminds me of a dream I had the other night. I dreamed about my Grandmother Irene, who died back around Christmas of 2001, and I hadn't talked to her in years -- until maybe 2 weeks beforehand. I was angry at her, I didn't like the way she talked to me, and the way she treated my mom, and I cut her out of my life. Then 2 weeks before she died, I gave her a call, because I didn't want to hold spite anymore. I apologized for being so distant, told her I loved her despite out rocky past, she said she was glad to hear from me, and just wanted to get my address to send me a check for my birthday/xmas. I gave it to her, she thanked me, and I tried to ask her how she had been... she said the check would be in the mail, and that she needed to go, and hung up. I got the check, and used the money to go see a Bad Boy Bill show, which was absolutely phenomenal, everything worked out perfectly, and was pretty much the ideal concert experience of my life. The next day, I found out she had died that day. It was really surreal, but I'm glad that I set things right. ANYWAY -- back to the dream. I'm not exactly sure what she was doing in it, but I recall at one point breaking down in tears and giving her a hug saying I missed her and wished I had a chance to talk to her more before she died, find out her stories. I never really realized it before that dream, or even really before now... But I do wish I had her stories. I think perhaps I'll try and record a family history.. Now I'm not much of a genealogist by inclination, wouldn't really want to be, but I'd really like to be able to tell my children about their family. My father has told me stories about his father and grandfather, but unfortunately his father died when he was in his early twenties, so he never really had a chance to learn as much about his family history as he'd like. I don't much care who my ancestors are, but stories... tales.... that's how we pass on something of our lives. I think that's why I aspire to be an author, so that I can pass on stories, give people little windows into my life years to come.
Well anyway, that's enough on that front for now. Lets move on to the future in Michigan. I'm living in the same apartment complex as my buddy Brandon's gf's sister, an old friend of mine, Becky Johnston. We kinda stopped hanging out because I was too much of a pothead, and she was a well-behaved and sweet girl, but it'll be cool to have her as a neighbor, even though I doubt I'll see her much. Her husband, who I also know a little, and is a cool fellow, although again not enough of a pothead to be a close college friend of mine. Also, other friends of Brandon's who I've hung out with and very much enjoyed their company, Jeremy and Mo, are going to be living in this apartment complex as well. Which is cool, I always hit on Mo whenever I see her, because she's a cool redheaded tomboy. She humors me, but likely isn't interested, but that's okay, she humors me so it's fun regardless of the fact that its a futile endeavor. I have a more real ladyfriend anyway waiting eagerly for me to return. Which is a whole set of weirdness, but I certainly appreciate that she's attracted to me, and enjoys my personality enough to call me a lot, but I certainly don't feel really ready to have any sort of dating relationship after this long term period of solitude in florida, yet I think that it's possible that we might end up entering that territory just because of the convenience of it. Regardless it'll be fun, and I'll do my best to treat her right. I dunno, if any physical relationship I've ever had would not get overly complicated, this one would be it... we've had that kind of friends with benefits thing before, although that was more using each other for sex -- It just happens we're better friends now... regardless we'll see...
Anyway, that's about it for now, I've got some more packing to do. But I'll leave you with what my playlist has gifted me with since I started typing -- My full collection on random has given me:
1 - Non-Phixion - Our Peoples
2 - Quasimoto - Green Power
3 - Belle & Sebastian - I'm a Cuckoo (edit)
4 - Das Efx - Mic Checka
5 - Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairy Tale
6 - Afro-Celt Sound System - Dark Moon, High Tide
7 - Pixies - Oh My Golly!
8 - Eminem - Monkey See, Monkey Do
9 - Beck - Trouble All My Days
10 - David Bowie - I know it's gonna happen someday
11 - Eels - Ant Farm
12 - They Might Be Giants - Piece of Dirt
13 - Deltron 3030 - Positive Contact
14 - Fugazi - The Kill
15 - Fugazi - Instrument
16 - James - P.S.
17 - Al Franken - Lies and the Lying Liars 29-39
18 - Kate Bush - The Dreaming
19 - King Crimson - One More Red Nightmare
20 - Non-Phixion - Argument
21 - Queen - Cool Cat
22 - Tool - Undertow
23 - Portishead - Elysium
24 - The Streets - Could Well Be In
25 - Tori Amos - Space Dog