Crunchtime
So tomorrow, my father comes into town from Washington D.C., and I'm gonna have to talk with him. One of the things he wanted to discuss as conditions for helping me take my revitalizing trip to Michigan was a concrete direction for my future. Not long term or anything, my dad doesn't push me like that. But he's aware of my addiction problems throughout my life and wants me to try and develop some sort of stability so I can live a fulfilling life. Currently I'm unemployed, broke, and very confused, so obviously that didn't work. I worked hard all winter and save bunches of money, and was doing well in supporting myself financially, but my head was all messed up from seclusion and intense alcohol sedation. Now I haven't been drinking so much, and don't feel so insanely lonely due to a quite pleasant trip to Michigan (more on that later on in this post perhaps) and also that I've been more communicative with a couple friends back home and a couple new people, although online. So this current elation probably wont last too long, at least if I don't start seeing people face to face (which in the case of the only person I've communicated with enough down here to suggest it, reeks of weirdness, but as I've said before that's what keeps life interesting, we'll see...). Yet I've also considered the possibility of moving back to Michigan. Point one against that, Mary is there, and she's been more communicative the past couple days, and seems to be feeling more positively about me, probably because of some self-esteem blow she recently suffered. If I moved back, for all I know we'd get back together until she was feeling strong again (despite both of us knowing better) and then she'd leave me again. I don't want to deal with that, so in actuality, her added communication is really increasing the likelihood of us not seeing each other again for a long time.
Point 2 - Michigan is cold and grey for 6 months straight, and that makes me go crazy.
Point 3 - During my visit to Michigan I fell back into old habits of drunkenness and smoking cigarettes. I will NOT be a smoker again. I've got the lungs of a 60 year old man at 25 years of age, and I'm not pleased.
Point 4 - I moved away, and felt like it was a victory for my independence, to move back is like claiming I couldn't make it on my own.
What draws me back is pretty much friendships. That and the town of Ann Arbor. One of the coolest places anywhere. For some reason when I'm in Ann Arbor I feel at ease and have no problem interacting with strangers and making friends wherever I go. I also have a friend who suffered a freakishly random diving accident this past summer and is now a quadriplegic. He's as lonely as I am, and a heck of a lot more depressed. Yet we both seem to cheer each other up a lot. He really has stuck by me and helped me out for years. I feel like if I can help him out and enjoy myself at the same time, I should. But at the same time, he'd probably get jaded at having me around all the time, like he seems to have with his family. I still communicate with him online, and we play Go together on a daily basis. I think no matter what he's got a very hard time ahead of him for a long time, although there are certain procedures that they are planning on doing that they expect to restore some function to him, and he's looking into getting experimental procedures in China that have made huge differences for some people. Anyway, I wish I could help him more, because he'd help me if the situations were reversed. Other than my friendships though, there's very little drawing me back. A fun girl who adores me, and is remarkably not crazy. But I don't think I could love her, not enough anyway... perhaps because she's not crazy.
Anyway, I'll probably be staying around here, but that requires looking for new employment, and forcing myself to develop some sort of social life. I can't go another 6 months without face to face hanging out with friends. Regardless, although I look forward to my father's company, I do not look forward to the inevitable discussion. His success and cold logic always leave me feeling somewhat inadequate, unstable and flaky... and generally disappointing, even though he is without exception supportive.
We'll see.
On a (briefly) brighter note, I enjoyed the Red Wings game today, even though they lost in overtime to the Calgary Flames. It was a good thing to take my mind off the terrifying news I heard on the radio today. Now of course it's nothing concrete, but this vague discussion is where these things start, but I heard a report on NPR news (I think) about the possibility of needing a draft. Even Kerry says we don't have enough troops to get the job done right. Thankfully I'm just barely too old for the draft, I think, but the idea of people being forced over there against their will disturbs me deeply. I came in on the end of the report. I don't know many of the facts. I probably would have researched it, but I blocked it out of my mind for much of the day. Damn, if Marx only knew he'd have said "Television is the opiate of the masses." (random musical note: disposable heroes of hiphoprisy do a song called "television, drug of the nation" as well as a bitchin' cover of "california uber alles") Nowadays, religion seems to key people up rather than numb them. All I know is I don't want to kill anybody for an unjust cause. We'll see... We will see. I suppose if things get too scary in this world I can always distract myself with personal drama.
Point 2 - Michigan is cold and grey for 6 months straight, and that makes me go crazy.
Point 3 - During my visit to Michigan I fell back into old habits of drunkenness and smoking cigarettes. I will NOT be a smoker again. I've got the lungs of a 60 year old man at 25 years of age, and I'm not pleased.
Point 4 - I moved away, and felt like it was a victory for my independence, to move back is like claiming I couldn't make it on my own.
What draws me back is pretty much friendships. That and the town of Ann Arbor. One of the coolest places anywhere. For some reason when I'm in Ann Arbor I feel at ease and have no problem interacting with strangers and making friends wherever I go. I also have a friend who suffered a freakishly random diving accident this past summer and is now a quadriplegic. He's as lonely as I am, and a heck of a lot more depressed. Yet we both seem to cheer each other up a lot. He really has stuck by me and helped me out for years. I feel like if I can help him out and enjoy myself at the same time, I should. But at the same time, he'd probably get jaded at having me around all the time, like he seems to have with his family. I still communicate with him online, and we play Go together on a daily basis. I think no matter what he's got a very hard time ahead of him for a long time, although there are certain procedures that they are planning on doing that they expect to restore some function to him, and he's looking into getting experimental procedures in China that have made huge differences for some people. Anyway, I wish I could help him more, because he'd help me if the situations were reversed. Other than my friendships though, there's very little drawing me back. A fun girl who adores me, and is remarkably not crazy. But I don't think I could love her, not enough anyway... perhaps because she's not crazy.
Anyway, I'll probably be staying around here, but that requires looking for new employment, and forcing myself to develop some sort of social life. I can't go another 6 months without face to face hanging out with friends. Regardless, although I look forward to my father's company, I do not look forward to the inevitable discussion. His success and cold logic always leave me feeling somewhat inadequate, unstable and flaky... and generally disappointing, even though he is without exception supportive.
We'll see.
On a (briefly) brighter note, I enjoyed the Red Wings game today, even though they lost in overtime to the Calgary Flames. It was a good thing to take my mind off the terrifying news I heard on the radio today. Now of course it's nothing concrete, but this vague discussion is where these things start, but I heard a report on NPR news (I think) about the possibility of needing a draft. Even Kerry says we don't have enough troops to get the job done right. Thankfully I'm just barely too old for the draft, I think, but the idea of people being forced over there against their will disturbs me deeply. I came in on the end of the report. I don't know many of the facts. I probably would have researched it, but I blocked it out of my mind for much of the day. Damn, if Marx only knew he'd have said "Television is the opiate of the masses." (random musical note: disposable heroes of hiphoprisy do a song called "television, drug of the nation" as well as a bitchin' cover of "california uber alles") Nowadays, religion seems to key people up rather than numb them. All I know is I don't want to kill anybody for an unjust cause. We'll see... We will see. I suppose if things get too scary in this world I can always distract myself with personal drama.