Hell's Bells
What does that mean anyway? I know I love to say it. Not posting much lately, though have much to say, it is hard to choke it all up of late. Too much going on. Bronchitis over the last many (way too many) days with me gagging and gnarling and gnawing like some prehistoric firebreathing dragon with tuberculosis. I've been moping around too, having trouble making the transition to my new life, not so willing to move on as I should be. This should be a good time, but I am challenged by my self worth and lack of it, try as I do to muster confidence and self respect. Instead, I find myself grabbing at the physical parts of me that I have distaste for, measuring fat, and critiquing myself in the mirror. What a waste of time, but I can't stop myself. I am overwhelmed with the grief of what has been almost 40 years of living, though has it really been..."living?" Bother me, can't move on without letting go of the past. Try girl, just hang in there.
Talked to old friend/sometime more/ today from Seattle. That made me sad too. The "can I see you when I come through Atl?" for some reason made my heart sad. "Yes," I said, "meaning it, but dreading it," because I know he is forever the artful dodger of meaningful relationships in the sense that I want it due to some long ago complete relationship that broke his heart. He will continue to be a cat on the prowl, but not in my life, but I can't help but need his charm, friendship, and commonality for all things bright, cool, dark, worldy, and breathtaking. Damn, this makes me crazy. Ah well. New friends to make, a new life to live, perhaps some quiet countenance will be mine sometime soon.
Talked to old friend/sometime more/ today from Seattle. That made me sad too. The "can I see you when I come through Atl?" for some reason made my heart sad. "Yes," I said, "meaning it, but dreading it," because I know he is forever the artful dodger of meaningful relationships in the sense that I want it due to some long ago complete relationship that broke his heart. He will continue to be a cat on the prowl, but not in my life, but I can't help but need his charm, friendship, and commonality for all things bright, cool, dark, worldy, and breathtaking. Damn, this makes me crazy. Ah well. New friends to make, a new life to live, perhaps some quiet countenance will be mine sometime soon.