Friday
I am totally being the worst, least productive worker ever right now. I am updating livejournal when I have about 55 other things to do. But it is Friday, it is 1:30, it is nice out, and I haven't had lunch because I accidentally left mine on the kitchen counter. So here's to hoping Tobias doesn't eat it.
My job is very good, I like my boss a lot. She's ridiculously knowledgeable about non-profits and government work, so she basically uses her sweet connections to get us good meetings and move us in the right direction. I'm sad there's not a place for me here in the fall, but I am excited about putting this on my resume and maybe seeing what their needs are when they actually have a budget. Hopefully they will think of me fondly and not as the girl who updated livejournal that one day in July.
Things are mostly okay in regards to everything else. Saturday I am going to help Uncle Christo go through some of Grandma's things. He seems to be convinced she's on the prowl and that honestly doesn't surprise me. She was extremely connected to the house and I think (like Martha and I discussed last night) that souls linger around, not necessarily maliciously but in some capacity. It hasn't gotten easier in the month or so since she's been gone, and I don't really know if it ever will get completely better. I miss her every day.
To me it's more than just her death that is bothering me. It's the fact that everyone I know is going to die, someday. Living in sunshine optimism naive land can only get you so far. Part of me just wants to give up and say screw it. I don't particularly want to off myself, but I do find myself more wary than usual to embark on new relationships because it's just a matter of time before things either turn sour or you die. It just seems a bit futile.
I can say with a degree of certainty that this would be the last thing Grandma would have wanted. I just desperately want to talk to her to ask how she dealt with death for so much of her life, particularly in the last few months when one of her last good friends died. Maybe after a while you get used to it but I can't imagine that being used to death makes it easier.
She most probably would say that it is her faith that got her through things and of course all of that is well and good but as for the rest of us, questioning and wondering I don't know there's much else to be done. Life sucks a lot of the time, but if you sit around thinking about how much it sucks, it just ends up sucking a lot more, right? (O yeah, I am awesome and eloquent fo sho)
I'm trying my hardest to take her with me and be the light to others that she was to me but I feel myself slowly just becoming more bitter and jaded. Focusing on what I don't have is keeping me from looking around and seeing what I do have so with that I will end the negative thought process.
Ego boost of the day:
I was reading through some documents my boss gave me and there was an annual report from the Steans Center included. Guess who was featured on page 23 along with all the other McCormick Fellows? :) I'm sad I didn't work harder on my resume and put all this stuff on there because I feel like I would have been hired a lot sooner...
Other things I love:
sunshine
farmer's markets
my mom
free blueberry muffins from corner bakery
smiles & hugs
My job is very good, I like my boss a lot. She's ridiculously knowledgeable about non-profits and government work, so she basically uses her sweet connections to get us good meetings and move us in the right direction. I'm sad there's not a place for me here in the fall, but I am excited about putting this on my resume and maybe seeing what their needs are when they actually have a budget. Hopefully they will think of me fondly and not as the girl who updated livejournal that one day in July.
Things are mostly okay in regards to everything else. Saturday I am going to help Uncle Christo go through some of Grandma's things. He seems to be convinced she's on the prowl and that honestly doesn't surprise me. She was extremely connected to the house and I think (like Martha and I discussed last night) that souls linger around, not necessarily maliciously but in some capacity. It hasn't gotten easier in the month or so since she's been gone, and I don't really know if it ever will get completely better. I miss her every day.
To me it's more than just her death that is bothering me. It's the fact that everyone I know is going to die, someday. Living in sunshine optimism naive land can only get you so far. Part of me just wants to give up and say screw it. I don't particularly want to off myself, but I do find myself more wary than usual to embark on new relationships because it's just a matter of time before things either turn sour or you die. It just seems a bit futile.
I can say with a degree of certainty that this would be the last thing Grandma would have wanted. I just desperately want to talk to her to ask how she dealt with death for so much of her life, particularly in the last few months when one of her last good friends died. Maybe after a while you get used to it but I can't imagine that being used to death makes it easier.
She most probably would say that it is her faith that got her through things and of course all of that is well and good but as for the rest of us, questioning and wondering I don't know there's much else to be done. Life sucks a lot of the time, but if you sit around thinking about how much it sucks, it just ends up sucking a lot more, right? (O yeah, I am awesome and eloquent fo sho)
I'm trying my hardest to take her with me and be the light to others that she was to me but I feel myself slowly just becoming more bitter and jaded. Focusing on what I don't have is keeping me from looking around and seeing what I do have so with that I will end the negative thought process.
Ego boost of the day:
I was reading through some documents my boss gave me and there was an annual report from the Steans Center included. Guess who was featured on page 23 along with all the other McCormick Fellows? :) I'm sad I didn't work harder on my resume and put all this stuff on there because I feel like I would have been hired a lot sooner...
Other things I love:
sunshine
farmer's markets
my mom
free blueberry muffins from corner bakery
smiles & hugs