(no subject)
I remember a time when I didn't care, and nothing bothered me outside of what it was I was doing at that exact moment. I remember that part of me coincided often with times when I was together: whole just on my own. I know one of my faults in this world is I become a possessive person. And it stings me more and more as I continue to make the same mistakes. I get this sudden doubt in my mind that I might lose something, especially in relationships that I hope will continue, and it suddenly turns into this wild drive to keep something that I may not have even been losing in the first place.
And the worst memories are the ones that began everything, the ones when things were just simply what they were and not what I was trying to make them to be; or trying so hard to keep. They are the worst and most painful, because they are the most beautiful. They are the ones I loved, and I lived with pride and happiness. The care free moments that led to the most beautiful things I felt are the ones that strike me in loss and harder moments, like a hammer that splits the skull in such a way that the blood running over my eyes is enough pain to drive me insane, not to mention the skull splitting headache.
In other news, I am doing ok. Despite an overdrawn bank account, a black eye (and all that goes with that), and the anniversary two days from now that I will suffer; I have applied for a great deal of jobs and have some hope on the horizon. Hard days are to come, but some old friends came out of the woodwork to say hello, and I can't even begin to explain how much I appreciate them reminding me why I've long called them friends. Even when we forgot each other.
There is a picture next to my computer that drives a thousand feelings around my heart. And though I know no one now who agrees or might even think my feelings are in the right, I still wonder if it wasn't something great. Only time will tell, because as I have said before to let love go and find it again without any searching is true.
For now I have my future on my plate, and half a dozen other worries in my life, and I'm not so sure I should even hope for anything that was... because I know the truth in my heart and I doubt it will ever change. I am not one to suffer my pain for long, as it has been pointed out I tend to get over things pretty fast. John Mason reminded me that when we started hanging out again about a year ago, and he barely noticed the loss of my father in my eyes. Why now have I spent so much time mulling over so many things. Why now does the simple word bye strike the kind of pain into my heart that rings like a bell, when it was nothing more than a simple seeya later.
Those eyes. I think thats what hurts the most, because when I finally noticed how beautiful they truly were, I stopped looking at what was so plainly in them.
And the worst memories are the ones that began everything, the ones when things were just simply what they were and not what I was trying to make them to be; or trying so hard to keep. They are the worst and most painful, because they are the most beautiful. They are the ones I loved, and I lived with pride and happiness. The care free moments that led to the most beautiful things I felt are the ones that strike me in loss and harder moments, like a hammer that splits the skull in such a way that the blood running over my eyes is enough pain to drive me insane, not to mention the skull splitting headache.
In other news, I am doing ok. Despite an overdrawn bank account, a black eye (and all that goes with that), and the anniversary two days from now that I will suffer; I have applied for a great deal of jobs and have some hope on the horizon. Hard days are to come, but some old friends came out of the woodwork to say hello, and I can't even begin to explain how much I appreciate them reminding me why I've long called them friends. Even when we forgot each other.
There is a picture next to my computer that drives a thousand feelings around my heart. And though I know no one now who agrees or might even think my feelings are in the right, I still wonder if it wasn't something great. Only time will tell, because as I have said before to let love go and find it again without any searching is true.
For now I have my future on my plate, and half a dozen other worries in my life, and I'm not so sure I should even hope for anything that was... because I know the truth in my heart and I doubt it will ever change. I am not one to suffer my pain for long, as it has been pointed out I tend to get over things pretty fast. John Mason reminded me that when we started hanging out again about a year ago, and he barely noticed the loss of my father in my eyes. Why now have I spent so much time mulling over so many things. Why now does the simple word bye strike the kind of pain into my heart that rings like a bell, when it was nothing more than a simple seeya later.
Those eyes. I think thats what hurts the most, because when I finally noticed how beautiful they truly were, I stopped looking at what was so plainly in them.