(no subject)
I have been missing.
So quick update
Christmas: I was sick (not out of the ordinary strangely my sick season runs from December 25-26th) Isn't that nice. Every once in a while jack frost hops out with a bug in January but mostly I get sick on Christmas. Is that weird?
-Things went well until grandma and grandpa tried to talk to me about my future and the state of the world. We can't meet sometimes in debates because all of my thoughts tend to jump beyond the lines of the life standards that have held long in their hearts. It really isn't fair. Dar Williams had a song lyric that went something like this, and somehow I think it applies though I can't explain: "they preach that we should save the world and pray we don't do a better job of it."
-My sister had to work the 23rd-26th, and my mom sadly missed her. As did I. I didn't feel well anyway but I was proud that I took her place in being the first to wake. I felt like it was a job with HUGE shoes to fill. I missed her all day. I miss her still. But mom and I had our moment in the morning before the omelet that sent my stomach spinning for 18 hours and almost screwed up my romantic evening.
Mom wasn't alone for the holidays! Yah! She found herself a man and we are all happy she is gettin... Shouldn't finish that sentence. Besides my dad's parents left her off his gravestone even though they were married for 28 years because she finally after years of pain mentioned divorce just before he died. Cold-hearted ancient rednecks haha we don't like you! My dad used to lie to them constantly to get sympathy apparently. They had no idea. His mask was sweet innocent, and victimized. I told them.
-Romance around the rosiest holiday of the year and throughout this common week of gathered vacation days, brought a nicer edge to things for me this year. I've had lonely holidays for about five years now, some of you know parts of the story.
I watched her heart break when I told her there would never be anything more [basically saying she would never be enough... a mere breaking straw upon experiences; I am still learning the why's]. And she didn't leave when I told her she should. I was heartless with her, testing everything viciously. But I wasn't ready for her to look past mask after mask, and simply ask for the next without letting me notice I gave it to her.
She didn't pursue me, she left bread crums and chose to stay without any hope and just enjoy her time with me. She called me chameleon and said she would be the one that would inspire me to spill instead of swallow... Almost ironic that she was the one I first saw Boondock Saints with. I love that movie. I had a copy of my own before 24 hours after the first viewing. I loved her smile on Christmas, and she loved that I bought her waffles and cigarettes.