Fic: Alphabet Meme - C is for Coffee (Meredith/Derek)
Title: C is for Coffee...
Word Count: 1470
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing: Meredith/Derek
Summary: An evolution in a coffee cup...
Author's Note: Written for
_takemeaway_ as part of the alphabet meme... prompts still available if you are interested... also, please note that this is the very first time EVER that I have written a Mer/Der... I'm a little nervous but also kinda excited!
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and all the characters, settings, and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Referral to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
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“Dr. Shepherd.”
Their first attempt at a relationship, based on lies and sex and too much tequila, is like a Black Russian, one part Kahlua, two parts vodka, all parts alcohol. Something really bad for you disguised as something that tastes really, really good.
“Dr. Shepherd? This morning it was Derek. Now, it's Doctor Shepherd?”
When Derek first sees her, sitting alone at the bar at Joe's, he's not looking for a relationship, he's still running from the disaster that was the end of his marriage, from an ex-wife and an ex-best friend that he wants nothing more than to forget, but can't.
“Doctor Shepherd, we should pretend it never happened.”
Meredith's first impression is all about the hair, and the swagger, and the unnatural confidence that, looking back, just screamed surgeon like a neon advertising billboard. She should have known then, from the hair and the swagger and the unnatural confidence, not to mention her propensity for sleeping with inappropriate men, that this was a one night stand that would not end well.
“What never happened, you sleeping with me last night? Or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hold onto.”
“What does this mean?”
Their second attempt is even worse, it's prom night and it's betrayal, it's jealousy and it's a raw lust that infiltrates your every conscious thought.
“Uh, I had panties on. Black. Do you see them?”
It's an espresso shot at eight in the morning, when the caffeine hits before you're really ready for it, before you've given yourself enough time to properly wake up and prepare yourself for the consequences. Your brain is still asleep, it's still in the before, when things were simple, uncomplicated, but your body is ready, it's alive, it's craving action, and things are rarely simple and uncomplicated for long.
“Meredith, what does this mean?”
Meredith can't even remember how it happened. One minute she's dancing with Finn, the next minute she's missing her underwear and her friend's fiance is dead and she's back to being the dirty mistress with no morals and no dignity and no self control.
“Help me look for them. And fix your tie.”
Derek knows that before was not his fault. He and Addison had broken up, she had made choices that ended with her sleeping with Mark and, in turn, he had made his own choices, to leave New York, to move to Seattle, to start a new life that no longer included her. This time though, this time it is definitely his fault.
“Meredith, what does this mean?”
“I don't know. It's just that...that day...you came out of the water...”
When Derek carries Meredith from the water, blue from the cold and the lack of oxygen and the absence of a heart beat something shifts. He feels it, a physical movement that alters his equilibrium, sets everything inside him on a different course. The well worn path they have been treading disappears suddenly, replaced by an overgrown mess that will become almost impossible to traverse.
“I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. I love you and I want you but I don't know what to...you didn't swim...”
They're breaking each other, little by little, piece by piece, and they should stop but they can't. It's like vending machine coffee, too acidic, too hot, too cold, too everything. It burns your lips and the tip of your tongue and it scalds a blazing path to your stomach with every mouthful that you take. You tell yourself that this is the last time, that you'll remember how much it hurt, how unsatisfying it was, but you don't. You come back and you try again because you manage to convince yourself that this time, maybe, it will taste just that little bit better.
“You didn't swim and you know how to...and I don't know if I can...”
Derek is used to people expecting things from him. He is used to being relied upon. He holds people's lives in his hands, quite literally, every day, he is comfortable in that knowledge, at ease with it. What he does not understand is why Meredith won't let him hold her.
“I don't know if I wanna...keep trying to breathe for you.”
Meredith doesn't rely on other people, she has never been dependent or needy, not even as a child. She is comfortable enough in her own skin to the point that if she has to get up and walk away she can do so with a minimum of fuss. Some would say it's a coping mechanism, Meredith just chalks it up to experiences passed and a knowledge that if you don't expect too much then you are rarely disappointed.
“I should go. I'll go.”
“I'm still mad at you and I don't know if I trust you, I wanna trust you, but I don't know if I do. So I'm just gonna try, I'm gonna try and trust you. Because I believe that, we can be extraordinary together. rather than ordinary apart and I wanna be...”
Typically, Meredith doesn't believe in grand gestures. She finds them trite and manipulative and more often than not, embarrassing, and up until the moment that Derek finally arrives, she feels like all her suspicions have been confirmed.
“I have to go.”
But then, suddenly, he's there and it's like a milky white cappuccino when it's snowing outside and your breath clouds as you exhale and your hands are pink from the cold and the feel of them wrapped around the thick mug is almost better than the drink itself.
“What?”
Right now, in this moment, Derek thinks he has waited his whole life for this. And while he is confused somewhat and has to clamp down on the overwhelming urge to ask Meredith if she is feeling alright, he is also speechless and dumbfounded and about fifty other adjectives that he has never experienced in this context before.
“In order to kiss you the way I wanna kiss you and in order to do more than kiss you I need to speak with Rose. I want my conscience clear so I can do more than kiss you...”
Meredith gets her absolution, she gets her moment, she gets her future. It's a beginning, another one and they've already had more than their fair share, but this time there will be no deceit, this time there will be no hidden surprises and this time, this time, she will allow herself to dream.
“ Stay here, don't move, wait for me.”
“If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward...”
It's taken him a long time, perhaps, some would say, it's taken him too long, but Derek gets it now. He knows what comes next, it's clear and it's right. It's like fair trade coffee, organic and proactive and when you drink it you know you've done something good. It doesn't really taste all that much different to before. It's still coffee, it still smells like coffee and the caffeine hit is still as powerful, but there's something else there, something underneath all the recycled labeling and advertising campaigns designed to make you think twice, that seems more pure than you could possibly imagine.
“Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are...”
Derek has done this before, proposed. He asked permission and was given it, albeit somewhat reluctantly, he wore his only suit and got down on one knee and rattled off a pre-written speech about love and respect and absolute devotion. He knows doing all that stuff is traditional, it's expected. It still doesn't give you any guarantees. It still doesn't mean your wife won't sleep with your best friend ten years down the track.
“I'm not gonna get down on one knee, I'm not gonna ask a question...”
But Meredith is not traditional, she does not mold to stereotypes of what women want and how they behave, so he doesn't fall at her feet and there is no one to ask permission from anyway.
“I love you Meredith Grey, and I wanna spend the rest of my life, with you.”
Meredith can honestly admit that she has never pictured herself as a bride. She's never looked at photos of impossibly beautiful women in impossibly white dresses and thought that she would like to do that some day. The thought of forever was always a terrifying prospect. But now there is a ring, and while she doesn't exactly have it on her finger, she does have it, and suddenly, the idea of forever is exhilirating.
“And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”