(no subject)
I never get rest.
I spent my winter break waiting on my mother hand and foot. The entire time she insisted she was dying and she might as well shoot herself in the head because of her back pain. No matter how much I tried to motivate her, she just preferred to have a pity party and have me do everything for her. She'd say she was having the worst pain ever when it was obvious she was up and moving around and feeling much better. She cursed out doctors, nurses, me. I tried to clean the house and found things in the fridge from 4 years ago and piles and piles of newspapers and coupons from 3 years ago. Tons of empty containers of food that she was keeping because "they are handy to put stuff in". And when I did clean, all she did was bitch at me for throwing out her "important stuff". Some days all I did was clean, I took at least 6 truck fulls of crap to the dump. And you can hardly even tell. She kept trying to convince me that we would have to sell our dog. So Jessie and I built a pen she can let him out to run around and go to the bathroom in. But even then, "Oh he'll never use that."
Then I come to school early to begin work on the spring musical. Theatre, the one thing that really brings me any joy, which saddens me when I think of how Ally put it one time, I am only happy when I'm "pretending to be someone else." I get here, and I am with people I have fun with, but at the end of the day, I am not really friends with any of them. I feel like a stranger in my own house here on campus.
Finally Jessie returned to school and I could breathe. She has done so much for me and been by my side through a lot. She is the best friend I have ever had.
But now her suite mates are complaining that they don't want me always hanging around. We asked them last semester if I could and they said it is fine. We don't bother them, we aren't loud and obnoxious like they are because they are drunk all the time and have a million guys come in and out. And now Jessie's roommate who was her friend in highschool and used to hand out with us all the time says she doesn't like me over either. She used to come and hang out at my apartment over the summer and I even had her birthday party here at my house on campus. But since she has started hanging out with this other girl, she doesn't want anything to do with us, and all of a sudden I annoy her.
What the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me anymore? I made mistakes but I made amends. I used to be fat, so I got skinny. I used to be an alcoholic but now I hardly ever drink and when I do I don't get drunk. I get parts in plays, I work to better my singing and dancing, I make dean's list. I am polite and considerate, I try to make friends with everyone. I try to take care of my mom, I am trying to get into law school so I can support her and a family later on.
But none of that is good enough for anyone, except Jessie. And now it annoys people when we are together.
I get told I am a fair-weather friend just because I don't like to party anymore. I am sorry if you miss drunk Paul, I am sorry if you miss the Paul willing to throw his life away for you.
I am also sorry if you care nothing about someone other than the fact they have your stupid video game. Which by the way I have had better things to do than package it and pay the postage to mail it.
I spent my winter break waiting on my mother hand and foot. The entire time she insisted she was dying and she might as well shoot herself in the head because of her back pain. No matter how much I tried to motivate her, she just preferred to have a pity party and have me do everything for her. She'd say she was having the worst pain ever when it was obvious she was up and moving around and feeling much better. She cursed out doctors, nurses, me. I tried to clean the house and found things in the fridge from 4 years ago and piles and piles of newspapers and coupons from 3 years ago. Tons of empty containers of food that she was keeping because "they are handy to put stuff in". And when I did clean, all she did was bitch at me for throwing out her "important stuff". Some days all I did was clean, I took at least 6 truck fulls of crap to the dump. And you can hardly even tell. She kept trying to convince me that we would have to sell our dog. So Jessie and I built a pen she can let him out to run around and go to the bathroom in. But even then, "Oh he'll never use that."
Then I come to school early to begin work on the spring musical. Theatre, the one thing that really brings me any joy, which saddens me when I think of how Ally put it one time, I am only happy when I'm "pretending to be someone else." I get here, and I am with people I have fun with, but at the end of the day, I am not really friends with any of them. I feel like a stranger in my own house here on campus.
Finally Jessie returned to school and I could breathe. She has done so much for me and been by my side through a lot. She is the best friend I have ever had.
But now her suite mates are complaining that they don't want me always hanging around. We asked them last semester if I could and they said it is fine. We don't bother them, we aren't loud and obnoxious like they are because they are drunk all the time and have a million guys come in and out. And now Jessie's roommate who was her friend in highschool and used to hand out with us all the time says she doesn't like me over either. She used to come and hang out at my apartment over the summer and I even had her birthday party here at my house on campus. But since she has started hanging out with this other girl, she doesn't want anything to do with us, and all of a sudden I annoy her.
What the hell is wrong with me that nobody wants me anymore? I made mistakes but I made amends. I used to be fat, so I got skinny. I used to be an alcoholic but now I hardly ever drink and when I do I don't get drunk. I get parts in plays, I work to better my singing and dancing, I make dean's list. I am polite and considerate, I try to make friends with everyone. I try to take care of my mom, I am trying to get into law school so I can support her and a family later on.
But none of that is good enough for anyone, except Jessie. And now it annoys people when we are together.
I get told I am a fair-weather friend just because I don't like to party anymore. I am sorry if you miss drunk Paul, I am sorry if you miss the Paul willing to throw his life away for you.
I am also sorry if you care nothing about someone other than the fact they have your stupid video game. Which by the way I have had better things to do than package it and pay the postage to mail it.