Room 303, Saturday morning
The night before had been a bit unsettling. Nadia's tarot reading for him had not had good things to say. It had, however, had some unfortunately on the mark things to say.
He kept hearing her say, "The Lovers. Reversed." Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness. He'd been repeatedly irresponsible and indecisive. He'd had more than a standard teenager's share of inner strife, suspicion, and disagreements. He'd been unfaithful.
Worst, was he avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust? But with whom? With Nadia because he lusted for Alucard, or Alucard because he lusted for Nadia?
He really, really, really didn't like the likely answer to that one.
How could he have intimacy with someone who was so far away? Sixty-two goddamn years!
And he still hadn't told Alucard how he felt. Why? Was he a coward? Was this the one area in his life where he really was afraid?
Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.
And that cheerful tidbit was opposed by A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
He was caught in the middle of that shit?
Idle intellectualism divorced from reality could be his entire goddamned life here in Fandom. All of it. He wasn't doing what he needed to do. He was... going to Dance class. And if there was anywhere more divorced from reality than Fandom, he certainly didn't know it.
Opposed by whom? A pillar of maturity and patience. The only one he knew here was Alfred and he was no charming seducer.
Who opposed his being here, divorced from reality and was a charming seducer?
Why did all roads lead back to Alucard? Selfish and unfaithful. He was in love with a vampire - wasn't selfish and unfaithful exactly what he should expect from Alucard?
He pulled Pup against his chest even though the hellpuppy squirmed in protest. Maybe? But this was a piece of Alucard and he was neither selfish nor unfaithful.
And was he just fooling himself? Was he an idiot? Was his love for Alucard coming between him and real intimacy?
To resolve the conflict between the two, he had Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
Being led astray and confused would resolve that?
He'd been sure he was only interested in men before Nadia. Was that the true path? He was certainly confused.
Nadia had been deceived by her father in his overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. It had unleashed a sort of force of nature.
Walter wasn't insecure, though. Was he so not-insecure that he was conceited? The self-destructiveness? Who could throw themselves into fights with the things he did with the glee he did and not be self-destructive. And he didn't care.
Should he?
The last one was his future if he didn't change course, Insolence and conceit with material things. Overconfidence, bad investments, and imprudent handing of acquired wealth. Contempt for those less fortunate. Deception and petty disputes driven by greed and envy.
He could change that. Material things weren't important to him except as conveniences and as things to make his friends happy. He just needed to keep that perspective.
The last one was bad, but it was the most encouraging.
Which still left him desperately craving a cigarette, but just as desperately not wanting to get out of bed.
He knew what he could do. He pulled the bottle of whiskey he'd taunted Marty with the other night out of a drawer, stuck a fresh pack of cigarettes in his waistcoat, and left the room.
He was so damned emo, he hadn't even tucked in his shirt. The world might end tomorrow.
He kept hearing her say, "The Lovers. Reversed." Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness. He'd been repeatedly irresponsible and indecisive. He'd had more than a standard teenager's share of inner strife, suspicion, and disagreements. He'd been unfaithful.
Worst, was he avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust? But with whom? With Nadia because he lusted for Alucard, or Alucard because he lusted for Nadia?
He really, really, really didn't like the likely answer to that one.
How could he have intimacy with someone who was so far away? Sixty-two goddamn years!
And he still hadn't told Alucard how he felt. Why? Was he a coward? Was this the one area in his life where he really was afraid?
Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.
And that cheerful tidbit was opposed by A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
He was caught in the middle of that shit?
Idle intellectualism divorced from reality could be his entire goddamned life here in Fandom. All of it. He wasn't doing what he needed to do. He was... going to Dance class. And if there was anywhere more divorced from reality than Fandom, he certainly didn't know it.
Opposed by whom? A pillar of maturity and patience. The only one he knew here was Alfred and he was no charming seducer.
Who opposed his being here, divorced from reality and was a charming seducer?
Why did all roads lead back to Alucard? Selfish and unfaithful. He was in love with a vampire - wasn't selfish and unfaithful exactly what he should expect from Alucard?
He pulled Pup against his chest even though the hellpuppy squirmed in protest. Maybe? But this was a piece of Alucard and he was neither selfish nor unfaithful.
And was he just fooling himself? Was he an idiot? Was his love for Alucard coming between him and real intimacy?
To resolve the conflict between the two, he had Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.
Being led astray and confused would resolve that?
He'd been sure he was only interested in men before Nadia. Was that the true path? He was certainly confused.
Nadia had been deceived by her father in his overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. It had unleashed a sort of force of nature.
Walter wasn't insecure, though. Was he so not-insecure that he was conceited? The self-destructiveness? Who could throw themselves into fights with the things he did with the glee he did and not be self-destructive. And he didn't care.
Should he?
The last one was his future if he didn't change course, Insolence and conceit with material things. Overconfidence, bad investments, and imprudent handing of acquired wealth. Contempt for those less fortunate. Deception and petty disputes driven by greed and envy.
He could change that. Material things weren't important to him except as conveniences and as things to make his friends happy. He just needed to keep that perspective.
The last one was bad, but it was the most encouraging.
Which still left him desperately craving a cigarette, but just as desperately not wanting to get out of bed.
He knew what he could do. He pulled the bottle of whiskey he'd taunted Marty with the other night out of a drawer, stuck a fresh pack of cigarettes in his waistcoat, and left the room.
He was so damned emo, he hadn't even tucked in his shirt. The world might end tomorrow.