Er...Well,
OH GOD! I want to curl up in a ball in a very dark room and not exist for a while. I'm feeling so messed up! ... ...
I think it's, I think there's so much change in the people which make up my life. It's an overwhelming wave of instability! I miss some people SO MUCH. And everyone's leaving and coming back and leaving again. I am a contradiction: in some ways I am an extreme introvert, and in others I am the opposite, if you define "introvert" as relying on yourself and "extrovert" as relying on others.
The thing is, I'm so awkward and skittish because I've been alone so much lately. The solitude gets to be too much, so on a day like today I'll say to myself, "Ok, Alison, it's time to get out there and see the world." So I will, and then one tiny thing will go wrong, like realizing my shirt was slightly askew and therefore more revealing than I am comfortable with, or entering Spiral through the back and sitting in the corner because I didn't want to disturb the musicians or the crowd and then being presumed an uncouth youth attempting to sneak into a show without a ticket (I didn't know you needed a ticket! It's Spiral! ) The guy was actually really nice about it, and when I said I had not been aware he told me I could stay, but the awkward/skittish set in and I felt unbearably guilty and just wanted to leave. I'm probably not making much sense. I don't know why I'm posting this. Well, I do know why, because I need to vent this uncomfortable emotion somehow and because I want someone to laugh kindly at me and say that I am worried over nothing. But now I'm thinking, "oh shit this is probably really dumb".....Jezus!!! (That was Spanish, not "Jesus" misspelled...although, I suppose "Jesus" would have sufficed. Maybe I should have put it in italics... ...Jezus!)
I feel like crying, and I feel like any decision I make will be wrong. You might say I'm feeling...INSECURE! Shit man, this is not cool. Clearly this is not helping.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHH!!!!!!!!
Ok, that felt a little better.
Maybe I do need to take up drumming.