People you half know
Why do people have to be so inconsiderate? I will cast you back to a few days ago, I was at work, working away as one does. I would say 'happily' but that would be a malicious lie. Anywho, it was at this point that my work was interupted by the monosyllabic bleatings of some malodorous fiend trying to grab my attention. I turned to see who it was and it quickly dawned on me that the individual was someone I used to vaguely know some years ago (but never actualy liked). This is where the situation goes from bad to worse becuase, I know full well that the following conversation will be uncomfortable, boreing and needless to say I will have to listen to his trite tale of existance, let alone his insistance to quanitfy how much better his life is to mine. But by now the usual tactics to avoid this social menace which im sure most of you have experienced before were unusable. The quick and cunning look away to avoid eye contact then dart in an opposite direction tactic would be inaffective in the enclosed space I was in. In fact there was no escape, I wasnt on the street and dart into a shop for example. Truely trapped. I feel as everyone has either been or will be in this most uncomfortable of situations that I should best highlight a guide to make this experience as comfortable as possible.
The Introduction - The nightmare begins, the letterbox on his face commonly refered to as a mouth opens wide and the self indulgent slurr starts to spew in your direction like an out of control fire hose. I find the best way is to slow them down. Make it uncomfortable for both parties thus with the aim of ending the conversation quickly. A standard greeting in such a situation is "Hey there!" this is usualy followed by the question "How are you doing?" It is essential that you ask the same question at exactly the same time, to the second. That way both partys will retract their question half way through as they realise they are interupting you, this leaves a second or so of pure uncomfortable silence. This breakdown of communication only aids the ill-ease. Perfect. This gives you the upper hand, you have them on the back foot. 1-0.
The Chat - This only slows down the question. Its comeing regardless of if you want to answer it or not. "How are you doing? What are you doing?". The one thing you have to realise here is that they dont care about you. Why should they, they barely know you. You should feel the same. The only purpose of this conversation is to convey their cool and exciting life in context to your boreing and sub standard one. Dont let them get away with it. Answer with brief, monosyllabic if possible, answers. Dont tell them how bad your life is. Make shit up. This is the perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself into something more exciteing. Remember, your going to have to listen to them and how theyre in bands, fuck film stars, write for Rolling Stone and lord only knows what else so make your talk time as enjoyable as possible. Perhaps make it into a challenge; see how ridiculous you can make your life and yet still believable. I mean you could be a Lawyer or a Pro golf player for all they know.
Now that they've heard your new exciteing life they're going to be bitterly disapointed. All they wanted to hear was that you work at Matalan scrubbing toilets and have a tumor. But alas you haven't and now they have to massively overexagerate their resume' of greatness to a new level. This is when you switch to human motor skills only, let your body slowly drift into a coma. You should however retain the ability to hold eye contact and periodicaly nod in agreeance. But dont nod too often or in some form of pattern or they will rumble you. You have to sell it. Periodicaly look away, in disintrest, almost disgust. Phsycologicaly break them from the inside. Now, once they've finsished the incessant rambelings you are ready to depart!
The Departure - This can be brought forward but is often socialy unacceptable although affective at work. Such examples as "I really have to work now or my boss is going to kill me" is a classic and is likely to cause little offence. But the most likely way is after all the uncomfortable talking. Once there has been a surficiant number of deathly silences, usualy 5 or 6 both parties will feel edgy enough to end the exchange of words. If you find yourself in one of these silences dont spark up another sentence, drag it out. Look away, avoid eye contact then watch out of the corner of your eye as he fidget's, hopefully looking for an exit. This is essential to avoid swapping phone numbers. If the conversation is fluid and continious the villan is more likely to want to meet you again, he wont if you act like your at a funeral. Don't panic when your in such a situation the end will come, just give it time. Grin and bear it so to speak.
My god iv written alot. I must be pretty emotive on this topic. Iv probably got more to write but cant be bothered at the moment. I felt compelled to write something. The guy I mentioned who saw me at work stayed and talked at me for a whole hour. I was soo angry by the end of it I was trying every trick in the book to get rid of him. Sigh. Never mind, god willing I wont have to experience anything like that for a while.
The Introduction - The nightmare begins, the letterbox on his face commonly refered to as a mouth opens wide and the self indulgent slurr starts to spew in your direction like an out of control fire hose. I find the best way is to slow them down. Make it uncomfortable for both parties thus with the aim of ending the conversation quickly. A standard greeting in such a situation is "Hey there!" this is usualy followed by the question "How are you doing?" It is essential that you ask the same question at exactly the same time, to the second. That way both partys will retract their question half way through as they realise they are interupting you, this leaves a second or so of pure uncomfortable silence. This breakdown of communication only aids the ill-ease. Perfect. This gives you the upper hand, you have them on the back foot. 1-0.
The Chat - This only slows down the question. Its comeing regardless of if you want to answer it or not. "How are you doing? What are you doing?". The one thing you have to realise here is that they dont care about you. Why should they, they barely know you. You should feel the same. The only purpose of this conversation is to convey their cool and exciting life in context to your boreing and sub standard one. Dont let them get away with it. Answer with brief, monosyllabic if possible, answers. Dont tell them how bad your life is. Make shit up. This is the perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself into something more exciteing. Remember, your going to have to listen to them and how theyre in bands, fuck film stars, write for Rolling Stone and lord only knows what else so make your talk time as enjoyable as possible. Perhaps make it into a challenge; see how ridiculous you can make your life and yet still believable. I mean you could be a Lawyer or a Pro golf player for all they know.
Now that they've heard your new exciteing life they're going to be bitterly disapointed. All they wanted to hear was that you work at Matalan scrubbing toilets and have a tumor. But alas you haven't and now they have to massively overexagerate their resume' of greatness to a new level. This is when you switch to human motor skills only, let your body slowly drift into a coma. You should however retain the ability to hold eye contact and periodicaly nod in agreeance. But dont nod too often or in some form of pattern or they will rumble you. You have to sell it. Periodicaly look away, in disintrest, almost disgust. Phsycologicaly break them from the inside. Now, once they've finsished the incessant rambelings you are ready to depart!
The Departure - This can be brought forward but is often socialy unacceptable although affective at work. Such examples as "I really have to work now or my boss is going to kill me" is a classic and is likely to cause little offence. But the most likely way is after all the uncomfortable talking. Once there has been a surficiant number of deathly silences, usualy 5 or 6 both parties will feel edgy enough to end the exchange of words. If you find yourself in one of these silences dont spark up another sentence, drag it out. Look away, avoid eye contact then watch out of the corner of your eye as he fidget's, hopefully looking for an exit. This is essential to avoid swapping phone numbers. If the conversation is fluid and continious the villan is more likely to want to meet you again, he wont if you act like your at a funeral. Don't panic when your in such a situation the end will come, just give it time. Grin and bear it so to speak.
My god iv written alot. I must be pretty emotive on this topic. Iv probably got more to write but cant be bothered at the moment. I felt compelled to write something. The guy I mentioned who saw me at work stayed and talked at me for a whole hour. I was soo angry by the end of it I was trying every trick in the book to get rid of him. Sigh. Never mind, god willing I wont have to experience anything like that for a while.