Disease and Psychology
Disease is a funny thing, it seems to explain things away. When everyone thought I had mono, my dad kept everyone away from me, even my grandparents. I could sleep whenever, because that's just how the mono works. I wan't expected to do anything because it wasn't my fault.
And then the doctor's office called. Apparently all of my tests came back normal and "I am now allowed to resume strenuous activities." Well, that's nice but I still feel like doing precious little besides sleeping, maybe reading a little or watching a small amount of tv. but no. now i have no reason. it's unjustified. now i'm lazy. when my dad heard he went "oh good, that means you'll go to school tomorrow." and I know tomorrow's a half day but still, I don't want to go in and make a fool of myself falling asleep in Ms. Miklavic's 80 minute chemistry class, especially since I'm already letting her down being all 'tired' and not racing either today or tomorrow. And if i do go to school tomorrow, then I might actually have to race, which I know no matter what a blood test says, I can't do. and then when I fall out of the boat or just can't pull the oar anymore, I'll be letting down an entire team of people who care a lot and have so much spirit.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate being sick. I hate pajamas, and I'm beginning to hate my room. It's too small, and really, really warm when you sit in it for days on end. That's of course heightened by the fact that i have to keep the door closed otherwise the nosey relatives that care about me too much stand in the doorway and stare and make little sympathetic noises before trying to shove food down my throat because I stupidly told the doctor that i have no appetite, and was therefore instructed to eat when not hungry. I am resisting. I change into jeans and sleep in them, which is really uncomfortable, but at least it's not fleece with reindeer. I have been sitting in my chair, which i would really trade my bed in for any day since it's way more comfortable, and i'm listening to a capella music in order to keep me sane. however, the only result of these efforts seems to be that everyone is holding them up as proof that i'm taking great strides in improoving. "oh look, she's gotten dressed, she's making an effort." "oh she turned the music up, she must be feeling better." bah humbug. yesterday when I had mono no one noticed that the music was there.
And of course with all the stupid sleep, i keep having dreams. the weird part is that even though they're all different dreams, they seem to have a similar theme. People, well male people, i haven't seen/haven't thought about/just are completely random are in somewhere i've never seen before, with me and there's weird adventures involving demonic parents and evil lords and ladies with moustaches that eat people (you get the point) and somewhere i the course of the dream i always kiss them. random people.
The other thing about being sick is that you think. a lot. Hey, when the room's shrinking and you've got nothing else to do you can actually concentrate on, it's your only option. What I keep thinking about though, is Emma and my decision in going. I really started thinking about it when David called to ask me to go somewhere last night. The problem is that i don't really like what I've found. Going back to eighth grade, I think i made the wrong decision to go to emma. I keep thinking of hoe much i'm miserable, and how stressed and sleep deprived. and then I think about going to the plays and concerts at Colombia, and every time i've been with one of my old friends. I always feel so much happier. I love my emma people, jenny (who i know will be reading this) and halley and grace pittman, mary leigh and sara etcetera, but i've never really been as comfortable. I don't have a single person at emma who i can tell everything to. Jenny doesn't care about boy things and stuff like that, and leto seems to determine I have some sort of problem from everything I tell her. Sara's probably the closest to a rounded out friend that I have at emma, but the fact of the matter is that I never see her, a lot of the time it feels liek it'd be easier to get kevin on the phone and tell him everything than it would be to get ahold of sara. I came to emma for the accademics, because I was told if i went i'd have a straight path to Cornell, or Yale that would be unblocked by anything. In eighth grade I made the decision so easy, and now it almost apalls me, how easily I traded in all the people who I loved and was truly comfortable with for college. I thought it's be easy and that everyone who cared would keep in touch with me. but now i'm faced with the reality of what i've been doing for the past two years and what I'll do for the next two, sitting on my floor surrounded in piles of homework I have to lose sleep to finish, and trapped with obligations to things I wanted to do, that just feel like to much all the time. I'm realizing that I never go anywhere. Old friends completely have lost touch. no one bothered to write or call or stay in touch after goff except lauren, and david after I met him. Everyone else just sees me whenever i can actually find a lull in homework big enough to do anything and goes "hey, where've you been i haven't heard from you in forever." And i can't tell them anything about what i've done because it's nothing. I never do anything except trig problems and typing up papers. and yeah, post PSAT the college letters are coming and Cornell and Colombia and trying to get me to come visit but is it really worth it?
In eighth grade i couldn't really have made another choice, and if i had gone the other way it'd probably always wonder about what would've happened i i'd gone to emma, but now it's different. There are a lot of things from emma I love: Revels and the school spirit and my friends and Mr. Van Wormer and Dr. Buckholtz and Dr. Naeher, but right now i feel like i'd trade them all in for seeing John and David graduate and talking to Kevin and Jake every day and hanging out and laughing with Kelsey and Kim and Lauren and Dan and Ellen. Because I fit in at emma, with all of us in our intellectual elite and witty jokes and AP classes, but it doesn't feel like home
And then the doctor's office called. Apparently all of my tests came back normal and "I am now allowed to resume strenuous activities." Well, that's nice but I still feel like doing precious little besides sleeping, maybe reading a little or watching a small amount of tv. but no. now i have no reason. it's unjustified. now i'm lazy. when my dad heard he went "oh good, that means you'll go to school tomorrow." and I know tomorrow's a half day but still, I don't want to go in and make a fool of myself falling asleep in Ms. Miklavic's 80 minute chemistry class, especially since I'm already letting her down being all 'tired' and not racing either today or tomorrow. And if i do go to school tomorrow, then I might actually have to race, which I know no matter what a blood test says, I can't do. and then when I fall out of the boat or just can't pull the oar anymore, I'll be letting down an entire team of people who care a lot and have so much spirit.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate being sick. I hate pajamas, and I'm beginning to hate my room. It's too small, and really, really warm when you sit in it for days on end. That's of course heightened by the fact that i have to keep the door closed otherwise the nosey relatives that care about me too much stand in the doorway and stare and make little sympathetic noises before trying to shove food down my throat because I stupidly told the doctor that i have no appetite, and was therefore instructed to eat when not hungry. I am resisting. I change into jeans and sleep in them, which is really uncomfortable, but at least it's not fleece with reindeer. I have been sitting in my chair, which i would really trade my bed in for any day since it's way more comfortable, and i'm listening to a capella music in order to keep me sane. however, the only result of these efforts seems to be that everyone is holding them up as proof that i'm taking great strides in improoving. "oh look, she's gotten dressed, she's making an effort." "oh she turned the music up, she must be feeling better." bah humbug. yesterday when I had mono no one noticed that the music was there.
And of course with all the stupid sleep, i keep having dreams. the weird part is that even though they're all different dreams, they seem to have a similar theme. People, well male people, i haven't seen/haven't thought about/just are completely random are in somewhere i've never seen before, with me and there's weird adventures involving demonic parents and evil lords and ladies with moustaches that eat people (you get the point) and somewhere i the course of the dream i always kiss them. random people.
The other thing about being sick is that you think. a lot. Hey, when the room's shrinking and you've got nothing else to do you can actually concentrate on, it's your only option. What I keep thinking about though, is Emma and my decision in going. I really started thinking about it when David called to ask me to go somewhere last night. The problem is that i don't really like what I've found. Going back to eighth grade, I think i made the wrong decision to go to emma. I keep thinking of hoe much i'm miserable, and how stressed and sleep deprived. and then I think about going to the plays and concerts at Colombia, and every time i've been with one of my old friends. I always feel so much happier. I love my emma people, jenny (who i know will be reading this) and halley and grace pittman, mary leigh and sara etcetera, but i've never really been as comfortable. I don't have a single person at emma who i can tell everything to. Jenny doesn't care about boy things and stuff like that, and leto seems to determine I have some sort of problem from everything I tell her. Sara's probably the closest to a rounded out friend that I have at emma, but the fact of the matter is that I never see her, a lot of the time it feels liek it'd be easier to get kevin on the phone and tell him everything than it would be to get ahold of sara. I came to emma for the accademics, because I was told if i went i'd have a straight path to Cornell, or Yale that would be unblocked by anything. In eighth grade I made the decision so easy, and now it almost apalls me, how easily I traded in all the people who I loved and was truly comfortable with for college. I thought it's be easy and that everyone who cared would keep in touch with me. but now i'm faced with the reality of what i've been doing for the past two years and what I'll do for the next two, sitting on my floor surrounded in piles of homework I have to lose sleep to finish, and trapped with obligations to things I wanted to do, that just feel like to much all the time. I'm realizing that I never go anywhere. Old friends completely have lost touch. no one bothered to write or call or stay in touch after goff except lauren, and david after I met him. Everyone else just sees me whenever i can actually find a lull in homework big enough to do anything and goes "hey, where've you been i haven't heard from you in forever." And i can't tell them anything about what i've done because it's nothing. I never do anything except trig problems and typing up papers. and yeah, post PSAT the college letters are coming and Cornell and Colombia and trying to get me to come visit but is it really worth it?
In eighth grade i couldn't really have made another choice, and if i had gone the other way it'd probably always wonder about what would've happened i i'd gone to emma, but now it's different. There are a lot of things from emma I love: Revels and the school spirit and my friends and Mr. Van Wormer and Dr. Buckholtz and Dr. Naeher, but right now i feel like i'd trade them all in for seeing John and David graduate and talking to Kevin and Jake every day and hanging out and laughing with Kelsey and Kim and Lauren and Dan and Ellen. Because I fit in at emma, with all of us in our intellectual elite and witty jokes and AP classes, but it doesn't feel like home