(no subject)
mom's been breaking down a lot recently. started crying in the car tonight, swearing a lot at the computer and being on the verge of tears, complaining about my father. i think a lot of it is stress from work (i know few people who work as hard as she does). then there's probably a sense of losing me, since i'm going back to school and won't be living here next summer. and then a quiet but steady stream of phone arguments with my dad. i'm sure that both his work and his relationship with martha (girlfriend - what a weird word to use) aren't making her feel better. this is not a peaceful environment right now.
had a revelatory moment saturday night, while a little drunk, staring out a second-story window into the rain. everything snapped into place, people were perfect, yada yada, and yet i was suddenly disturbed by my lack of meaningful contributions. what am i doing with my life and all that.
canada was filled with long walks through muddy paths with my father. silence that might have been falsely interpreted by an observer as awkward was in fact enjoyable. lots of time to think. some deep thoughts, mostly shallow thoughts masquerading as deep ones. but it was nice.
lancaster was lovely. meeting erinrose's friends, closed thrift shops, far superior diners, reminiscing. long talks, specifically saturday afternoon during food (erinrose's mom is awesome times five) and early in sunday's pre-dawn am, were perfect. parties never fail to make me feel awkward, but not-so-much at black and white + kyle's place. a room full of jolly drunk white kids dancing and dancing was simple, yet reassuring. personal performance left much to be desired, but i was happy to see the sun rise both nights. i want to go back. geography, ughh.
my job is almost unbearable, though thinking about it, i really shouldn't hate it as much as i do right now. steve's in a similar situation and when he's there, it's good.
lots of thoughts, lots of feelings. massachusetts in a week and a half? hard to believe.
had a revelatory moment saturday night, while a little drunk, staring out a second-story window into the rain. everything snapped into place, people were perfect, yada yada, and yet i was suddenly disturbed by my lack of meaningful contributions. what am i doing with my life and all that.
canada was filled with long walks through muddy paths with my father. silence that might have been falsely interpreted by an observer as awkward was in fact enjoyable. lots of time to think. some deep thoughts, mostly shallow thoughts masquerading as deep ones. but it was nice.
lancaster was lovely. meeting erinrose's friends, closed thrift shops, far superior diners, reminiscing. long talks, specifically saturday afternoon during food (erinrose's mom is awesome times five) and early in sunday's pre-dawn am, were perfect. parties never fail to make me feel awkward, but not-so-much at black and white + kyle's place. a room full of jolly drunk white kids dancing and dancing was simple, yet reassuring. personal performance left much to be desired, but i was happy to see the sun rise both nights. i want to go back. geography, ughh.
my job is almost unbearable, though thinking about it, i really shouldn't hate it as much as i do right now. steve's in a similar situation and when he's there, it's good.
lots of thoughts, lots of feelings. massachusetts in a week and a half? hard to believe.