Christmas Crafts XIV
"The direction in my life right now, that I'm trying to, I guess, proceed with, in the business is, gradually, from being the little boy, from [being] the younger, you know, brother, [to] trying to be the older brother. Or the only brother."
- Corey Haim, "Me, Myself, and I"
Thanks to Snowpocalypse 2010 (which dumped over two feet of snow in a single day), this year's Christmas Crafts had to be postponed until January 8th. But it was worth the wait:
THE CRAFT: Book covers and/or decorated Kleenex boxes.
THE FILMS: "Corey Haim: Me, Myself, and I" (opener) w/ "Voyage of the Rock Aliens" (main attraction)
BOOK COVERS
None of us could remember how to make book covers. Kind of amazing, really, considering the fact that we did this every single year throughout Jr. High and High School.
As a high school student, the first day of classes was always devoted to covering all of our textbooks with brown paper bags in order to protect them from damage. I must have done this more than 30 times. The teachers would impose a penalty on students whose books didn't have a book cover. It should have been ingrained in my memory.
But all of us were struggling to remember how to fold the paper ("Are you supposed to cut along the edges...?").
Book covers proved to be somewhat of a challenge.
Compared to shrinky dinks and finger puppets, this was sort of a lame X-mas craft.
ME, MYSELF, and I
Needless to say, as a straight-to-video damage control film (i.e., "Corey Haim does not do drugs!"), "Me, Myself, and I" is tortuously slow, and almost painful to watch. The production values are worse than those of the average high school video class. What's truly frightening is the thought that this was the best 20 minutes that the director could come up with. There's probably another 10 hours of raw footage that wound up on the cutting room floor.
Fresh from rehab, this is (supposedly) a typical day-in-the-life of Corey Haim, a wholesome Canadian American boy, who likes sports and swimming pools and dolphins, and lots and lots of sedatives.
In an attempt to rehabilitate the drug-addled star of "Licensed to Drive" (whose wholesome image was suffering), young Corey is shown playing ice hockey... and baseball... and tennis... ("He's such a nice boy! He plays sports!"). Corey is also shown driving around in a convertible with a camera mounted on the hood of the car (people in L.A., uh, really like to drive... um... cars); posing for a fashion shoot; floating around in a swimming pool; taking his sunglasses on-and-off, repeatedly, to show what a rascal he is; trying to play music on a Casio keyboard; and basically drooling on himself while being interviewed on a white leather sofa.
The video diary opens with Corey writing out his name in crayon on a big sheet of paper, pausing for several agonizing seconds, before slowly --ever so slowly-- spelling out the rest of the title: "Me... My...SELF...and... I...." He seems to be struggling to remember how to form the characters as he is writing.
Corey is clearly high as a kite (he talks a lot about sea horses and "Japanese funk"), but what really makes this movie stand out is that the camera crew spends the entire movie "breaking down the fourth wall."
Not only do we see a bunch of guys following Corey around holding cameras, we get to see all of Corey's handlers -the ones who thought that this would help to rehabilitate his image with the general public.
Every three minutes, or so, a woman runs out and starts to apply a fresh coat of make up to Corey's face. Haim interrupts his baseball game to sit down and have his make up re-applied. Instead of making him look like an average guy, the video diary ends up portraying Corey Haim as a pampered fool.
And the interviews! What they hell were they thinking?!
"What does kissing really mean to me? To me, if you feel, when you kiss a girl, that certain feeling of all those dolphins, like, swimming through your bloodstream, and you get those good tingles inside your stomach. I don't think there's any better feeling.
"It basically comes down to that word: Love. I guess that's what it's all about."
- Corey Haim
VOYAGE OF THE ROCK ALIENS
Holy shit this was a terrible movie! I still can't get the soundtrack out of my head -and NOT in a good way. (Ear worm!)
When I heard the title "rock aliens" I was picturing something like The Thing from The Fantastic Four. You know, a low-budget horror film with space aliens, who look like they're made out of pieces of rock. Not a bunch of Devo clones flying around in a spaceship shaped like an electric guitar, doing battle with a street gang dressed like the missing members of the Stray Cats. (Oh... you mean THAT kind of "rock"!)
If this sounds like it might be funny, you are sadly mistaken. The film loses its momentum really, really quickly. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes, and everyone assured me that I hadn't missed anything -nothing was happening on screen. (At least "The Apple" had a plot...)
Longtime readers will already know that I have a weakness for Eighties synth pop. So the Devo references were much appreciated. I'll give the director extra points for hiring a Christian synth pop group from Arizona to play the aliens, 'cause --really-- what could be worse than Christian synth pop? -don't answer that!
The space aliens have a rivalry with "The Pack" (aka Jimmy and the Mustangs, a real-life rockabilly band), who are vying for the attentions of Dee Dee, an aspiring singer played by Pia Zadora.
Rockabilly has never been my favorite style of music. Eighties rockabilly in particular. I have a theory that the rockabilly revival is like Hot Topic for 40-year-olds who want to play dress up on the weekends and act out traditional gender roles in poodle skirts and ugly shoes. But that is another story.
The Pack have great early-80's haircuts (i.e., the skunk look), and a really annoying singer (Craig Sheffer), whose hollow cheeks and cleft chin clearly identify him as the "dashing" male love interest (or sex panther). After dabbling in a little Devo on board the rock aliens' space ship, Dee Dee (Pia Zadora's character) realizes that Craig Sheffer's cleft chin is all that she really needs.
Oh, and did I mention that there is a full length video by Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora that seems to have been randomly inserted in the middle of the film? -for no apparent reason, other than the fact that Pia Zadora wanted to be featured in as many songs as possible on the "Rock Aliens" soundtrack?
The video has no bearing on (or relationship to) the plot, and the abrupt transition from space ship to Planet Jackson is rather confusing. As a showcase for the searing vocal talents of Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora, the music is horrible beyond belief (coming at the height of the "glistening" reverb era, the music employs the full range of Eighties studio technology).
(Note: This steaming pile of excrement became a Top 5 hit in France, Austria, and Switzerland.)
And did I mention the fact that the video for "When the Rain Begins to Fall" is about an intergalactic race war? (Huh?!) And that it's loosely based on the theme of Romeo and Juliette? That's right: Jermaine Jackson and his gang of street toughs must do battle with an all-white motocross gang who are dressed like a disco-fied version of Lawrence of Arabia... complete with copious amounts of eye shadow, and Eighties wrap-around sunglasses.
Click to view
Musical Restroom scene from "Voyage of the Rock Aliens"
(If you're feeling really masochistic, check out the video for "The Nature of the Beast." But don't say I didn't warn you.)
Just an average day in the life of Corey Haim: cocaine, camera crew, and all...
More "Rock Aliens"...
THE HISTORY OF CHRISTMAS CRAFTS
2009: Dolls made from fabric and popsicle sticks. Film: "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special"
2008: Tin can lanterns. "The Apple" w/ an educational film about "Menstruation" featuring prominent product-placement
2007: Holiday wreaths made from old CDs. "Film: "Star Crash" w/ "Soapie the Germ Fighter" (Internet-only)
2006: Shrinky dinks. Film: "Riki-Oh: The story of Ricki" w/ "Cipher in the Snow"
2005: Coffee cups. Film: "Wild in the Streets" w/ "Marijuana" (starring Sonny Bono)
2004 - Painted Clay Pots. Film: "Rock & Roll Nightmare" w/ "Heavy Metal Parking Lot"
2003 - Cardboard Bells. Film: "Twirl" w/ "The Cartoon All Stars"
2002 - Mobiles. Film: "Star Wars Christmas Special"
2001 - Beads. Film: "Mazes & Monsters"
2000 - Cloved Oranges. Film: "Viva Knievel!"
1999 - THE YEAR WITHOUT A CRAFT (Milk Cartons (aborted)) Film: Super 8 home movies and 16 mm educational films
1998 - Crop Art. Film: "Planet of the Apes"
1997 - Flavored Vodkas and Pickled Olives - Film: (none)