(no subject)
I am honestly completely miserable today. I was yesterday, too. What's my malfunction? I don't know. I wish I knew. My feelings for her seem to be fading. I've lost sexual interest in her. She grates at my nerves lately because she doesn't seem to understand or respect my need for space sometimes. She'll go along with it for a day, but then the next time I need a little space, it's all she wrote. I feel that I can never satisfy her and I feel that she's not interested in truly satisfying me. Part of satisfying me is realizing that you cannot be solely responsible for making me feel satisfied. I must have time alone sometimes. I must have a moment that was specifically chosen (as opposed to her being at work or busy with something else), in which I can sit. And think. And read. And just... Be.
And that seems like an impossibility. It's not expensive, it doesn't require anything but a little patience, care, and understanding, and it doesn't violate anything that constitutes a committed relationship. So why the fuck is it so unattainable?
I've begun noticing other people. Not to a horrid extent, but whereas once I was blind, now I see. Ya know? And I feel just *rotten* about it, but I can't help it.
I've also recently woken up to how I hurt this one person during a rough, rough period of my relationship. I hinted at all this commitment and longevity and didn't even hang around for more than a week. It wasn't my intention. But, for all intents and purposes, I abandoned this person and she didn't deserve that. And I wasn't even man enough to give her a sincere apology, because I sincerely was not sorry. At all.
And now, the guilt has been heaped upon me in multitudes and I feel like throwing myself away just to show that I am remorseful for my actions and that she deserved so much better than what I gave her for that short time. I've honestly realized that I completely wronged her and nothing else can be accounted to her whatsoever -- I *wronged* the girl. And I am so, so fucking sorry for it. So ridiculously fucking sorry. And she's told me never to contact her again, but I wrote her a letter and sent it to her. I don't expect it to affect anything, but she deserves, at the very least, my UTMOST apologies. I wish there was more that I could do. She's truly a beautiful girl and a beautiful person, who is smart, intelligent, sweet, talented, interested, and worth hanging in there for.
She's worth a lot. A whole lot. A whole lot more than I could ever offer, apparently. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and make her feel like a queen just so that she'd know her value from another perspective. I had that chance, and I fucking blew it, and I gave her shit instead.
And I am so, so fucking sorry for it.
-Chris
And that seems like an impossibility. It's not expensive, it doesn't require anything but a little patience, care, and understanding, and it doesn't violate anything that constitutes a committed relationship. So why the fuck is it so unattainable?
I've begun noticing other people. Not to a horrid extent, but whereas once I was blind, now I see. Ya know? And I feel just *rotten* about it, but I can't help it.
I've also recently woken up to how I hurt this one person during a rough, rough period of my relationship. I hinted at all this commitment and longevity and didn't even hang around for more than a week. It wasn't my intention. But, for all intents and purposes, I abandoned this person and she didn't deserve that. And I wasn't even man enough to give her a sincere apology, because I sincerely was not sorry. At all.
And now, the guilt has been heaped upon me in multitudes and I feel like throwing myself away just to show that I am remorseful for my actions and that she deserved so much better than what I gave her for that short time. I've honestly realized that I completely wronged her and nothing else can be accounted to her whatsoever -- I *wronged* the girl. And I am so, so fucking sorry for it. So ridiculously fucking sorry. And she's told me never to contact her again, but I wrote her a letter and sent it to her. I don't expect it to affect anything, but she deserves, at the very least, my UTMOST apologies. I wish there was more that I could do. She's truly a beautiful girl and a beautiful person, who is smart, intelligent, sweet, talented, interested, and worth hanging in there for.
She's worth a lot. A whole lot. A whole lot more than I could ever offer, apparently. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and make her feel like a queen just so that she'd know her value from another perspective. I had that chance, and I fucking blew it, and I gave her shit instead.
And I am so, so fucking sorry for it.
-Chris