i feel empty

[walkintoascary]

there's a war inside of me.
do i cause new heartbreak to write
a new broken blog
do i push it down
or let it run me right into the ground?

i miss things.
i miss katie.
the way things used to be.
i miss high school friends
seeing them everyday.
how they'd cheer me up if they saw i was down.
i miss the way krista and i used to be.
i miss birthday parties and new beginnings
i miss being able to do handstands.
i wish i could shower in coffee.
i had another dream with dylan in it last night.
do i miss him?
i miss leela.
i miss my grandma being the most magical thing in the world.
i miss the playground being my entire world.
i miss pterry. he was such a good conversationalist.
i miss feeling like everyone held envy in their hearts for me.
i miss california.
i miss ashley.
and at the same time, i don't miss any of it at all.

humans should be born with erasers on their heads.
like pencils.
we should be able to flip over and make things go back to the way they were.
before we messed up.
it's not fair that things should be able to change so quickly
because of a decision.
there should be a warning of some kind.
i'm sure that makes no sense.
but it does to me.

i feel everything and nothing at the same time.

happiness is so unattainable.
it's a state of mind.
it cannot be achieved.
it is fleeting.
everyone i know is a perfect example of this.

but this isn't some new discovery.
everyone knew that.
discoveries are dead.

cool water
surround sound