Brainmeats
I went to the psych today (Friday).
I'm emotionally drained but sort of hopeful that maybe the future will be better.
I was just thinking to myself...
It's been a pretty good year. I did something huge. I moved to San Francisco with no job, no permanent home, low odds and I ALMOST BEAT THE ODDS. I made a bunch of friends. San Francisco is my other home, now. It really is.
I want to beat my brain senseless for doing this to me.
I want to fight back and get better so I can go back to my beautiful city by the bay.
I want to party at Death Guild and go to lunch with Kurt and do crafts and hair with Carmen and randomly see Peter on the subway.
When I first was in California, I was so miserable and sad. My best friend was gone. I was alone in a strange place. I didn't know the traffic laws, I didn't know the cities, I didn't know anything. I didn't have a job, I hated my roommate... All I had was a cell phone, a car, my computer and a few boxes of things. And some money. Almost every day, Kurt would call me and tell me something I had to go do or some assignment to complete so I could get out and get involved with the city and it worked.
God, I loved it there.
I wouldn't have moved there if I hadn't fallen in love with it before I moved there.
But now I'm back where I started, back in Seattle, to lick my wounds, so to speak, in terms of how incapacitating my mental state became. I couldn't do it anymore, I felt like I'd been locked in by fear and anxiety and weighed down by hopelessness that was just... abnormal.
Seattle... *sigh* Well, Redmond, I guess. I grew up here, I love it here, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to have to recover from this kind of illness. I don't want to have to be on medication and deal with the stigma involved with mental issues. But that's nothing compared to someday waking up and saying "OH. OH, I SEE. THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL?"
I want to go back. I will go back.
But this time, it will work.
It will work.
Wherever I end up, whether I end up in San Francisco, or somewhere else (I've seriously considered Minneapolis and Boston).... Wherever I end up, it WILL work.
It has to. I won't let it fail.
I'm so sick of being a victim of the bad wiring in my own brain. Of using all my energy to maintain a basic existence. I want to be out and doing everything. I want to LIVE.
I want to LOVE. That's something that's been taken from me by my brain dysfunction. :(
I will fight. I will find ME again.
I'm emotionally drained but sort of hopeful that maybe the future will be better.
I was just thinking to myself...
It's been a pretty good year. I did something huge. I moved to San Francisco with no job, no permanent home, low odds and I ALMOST BEAT THE ODDS. I made a bunch of friends. San Francisco is my other home, now. It really is.
I want to beat my brain senseless for doing this to me.
I want to fight back and get better so I can go back to my beautiful city by the bay.
I want to party at Death Guild and go to lunch with Kurt and do crafts and hair with Carmen and randomly see Peter on the subway.
When I first was in California, I was so miserable and sad. My best friend was gone. I was alone in a strange place. I didn't know the traffic laws, I didn't know the cities, I didn't know anything. I didn't have a job, I hated my roommate... All I had was a cell phone, a car, my computer and a few boxes of things. And some money. Almost every day, Kurt would call me and tell me something I had to go do or some assignment to complete so I could get out and get involved with the city and it worked.
God, I loved it there.
I wouldn't have moved there if I hadn't fallen in love with it before I moved there.
But now I'm back where I started, back in Seattle, to lick my wounds, so to speak, in terms of how incapacitating my mental state became. I couldn't do it anymore, I felt like I'd been locked in by fear and anxiety and weighed down by hopelessness that was just... abnormal.
Seattle... *sigh* Well, Redmond, I guess. I grew up here, I love it here, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to have to recover from this kind of illness. I don't want to have to be on medication and deal with the stigma involved with mental issues. But that's nothing compared to someday waking up and saying "OH. OH, I SEE. THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL?"
I want to go back. I will go back.
But this time, it will work.
It will work.
Wherever I end up, whether I end up in San Francisco, or somewhere else (I've seriously considered Minneapolis and Boston).... Wherever I end up, it WILL work.
It has to. I won't let it fail.
I'm so sick of being a victim of the bad wiring in my own brain. Of using all my energy to maintain a basic existence. I want to be out and doing everything. I want to LIVE.
I want to LOVE. That's something that's been taken from me by my brain dysfunction. :(
I will fight. I will find ME again.