Don't Ever Go
Title: Don't Ever Go
Author: walking_weapon
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes fears are irrational, and sometimes even if you know that you can't help but let them leak out.
Note: A little piece I added to episode 8x23. Really writers? Arizona's getting on a plane, presumably for the first time since going to Africa, and no one has anything to say about that? I don't think so.
“You asked me not to go anywhere so…So now I’m asking you. Don’t ever go anywhere. Ok?” I whisper, swallowing hard. I’m trying so, so hard to be strong for her, to be what she needs, but the idea of her getting on another plane and running from a problem…
“Of course not. Callie what are you so worried about? It’s just a couple days. I’ll rock the surgery and be back before you know it. And…and Nick said he’d stick around a few days, he wants to meet Sofia and get to know you a bit, so…so I’ll see him when I get back. I just…I just need a little space. And Alex…God that rat bastard. There is no way I’m letting him get anything else from me. Stupid traitor.” Arizona rambles, finishing in a huff as she keeps stuffing random clothes in her bag.
“Yeah, I know. Only a few days.” I repeat, trying to talk myself off the ledge. This isn’t what she needs right now. Her oldest friend is dying, Alex is leaving, and she’s dwelling on her brother’s death, I need to step up and be her anchor. So why am I tearing up?
“Exactly. I know he’ll be mad but I just…this is really about Alex and not him. Can you tell him that? And tell him I left without talking to him because he was sleeping. And give him my cell so he can call me and maybe you could visit him and…Callie? Are you listening?” She asks, finally turning around to look at me.
“Yeah of course I’m listening.” I say quickly, clearing my throat and trying to plaster on an attentive expression. I must not do as good a job hiding my stricken expression as I think though because her expression quickly turns to one of concern.
“Calliope what’s wrong?” She asks worriedly, amazing me with how compassionate she can be even with everything she’s going through.
“Nothing. Just missing you already.” I try and cover, plastering on a smile and pulling her into a hug. It’s a fierce hug that lasts too long though, and when I pull back she’s still eyeing me worriedly.
“Do you not want me to go? Because I won’t. I can find someone or call in a favor. Or…I mean if you really don’t want me to go I can still send Alex.” She offers, mouth twisting in distaste as she says his name.
“No, no it isn’t that. Well I don’t want you to go, but that’s not why I’m all…clingy like this. It’s…It’s just that…” I trail off, shaking my head and trying to figure out exactly why I’m acting like a hot mess. I mean I know why, kind of, but I don’t really want to say it out loud.
“Calliope, talk to me.” She demands softly, taking my hands in hers and looking me in the eye compassionately. God I got lucky when I married her…
“You’re getting on a plane. You’re getting on a plane and I hate planes and airports and I hate you being on a plane of in an airport and…I hate you leaving. Again.” I reveal in a rush, unable to keep it back any longer. This isn’t about her leaving for Africa or how that felt, this isn’t about guilt or resentment or me blaming her, it’s about my loathing of airports and planes that have been borne out of that. And maybe that’s mostly buried pain and unresolved emotion from it…but whatever. I never said it was rational.
“Oh Calliope…” Arizona murmurs, leading me by the hands over to the bed and pulling me down to sit next to her. “I’m not leaving, I’m just going away fro a surgery. I know…I know we don’t’ have a great track record with…any form of transportation really, but I’ll be fine. And I’ll be back before you know it.” She promises me gently, thumbs caressing the backs of my hands soothingly.
“I know. I know it’s stupid and I should be over all this, and god knows you don’t need me falling apart over nothing right now, but I…I hate planes. I hate that you left on one and I hate that I acted the way I did afterward and I just…” I trail off, shaking my head in frustration. What I’m feeling makes little enough sense to me, never mind trying to verbalize it to Arizona.
“I won’t go. I’ll call up that rat bastard Alex and-” Arizona starts, touching my heart with how compassionate and loving she is, even now with all she’s going through, and even with how loopy I’m acting.
“No. No you won’t.” I say firmly, shifting a bit to face her more. “I’m being crazy, I know that, and I don’t want that keeping you from helping those babies in Boise. We’re past Africa and all of that, we really are. You married me and you’re here and you’re Sofia’s Momma, I know you’re not going anywhere. It’s just a crazy irrational fear and I don’t want it keeping you from helping those tiny humans.” I insist, the words somehow helping me calm down more then I would have thought. I guess saying all that out loud sort of helps me put things in perspective.
“I love you so much Calliope.” Arizona smiles softly, leaning in for a tender kiss as she ups my cheek. “Even when it is your turn to be crazy.” She murmurs with a playful smile as she pulls away, resting her forehead against mine. “I’m not running. This…this isn’t me running, not for good anyway. I’m pissed at Alex so I don’t want him to go, and I need…I need some space from Nick and everything else. I’ll go, help the tiny humans and be awesome and clear my head a bit, and then I’ll come back and deal with everything. I promise.” She tells me as she stares into my eyes, never once so much as glancing away.
“Okay.” I nod, matching her smile with a small one of my own. “Sorry for being a morning, guess it was my turn huh?” I sigh, pulling back to let her get back to packing as I pick up a discarded shirt next to her suite case and start folding it. “Hey, there’s something else…um…how would you feel about Nick staying here for a bit? He hates the hospital right? So He could come stay here for a few days, be here when you get back so you two can get a real visit in without pagers and a hospital bed and interns around and all the rest.” I suggest to her, voicing something I’ve been mulling over all day.
“Callie…I…You don’t have to do that. I know he kind of rubs you the wrong way and you’re going to be on your own with Sofia, you don’t need someone else to look after.” Arizona argues, trying t brush off my suggestion even though I saw the flicker in her eyes that tells me she likes the idea.
“Arizona I can handle it. And from what I can tell…Nick loves you but he sucks at handling that and how scared he is so…I think we both know there’s a chance he might bolt and not be here when you get back. At least if he’s not in the hospital, if he’s here getting to eat normal food and not have tests run all the time and stuff, maybe he’ll be able to settle down for a few days and…and give you the goodbye you deserve.” I explain, hesitating at the end. Because really, who wants to say goodbye to someone they know is dying? Denial or being angry is so much easier to bare because saying goodbye…it means they’re really dying, it means you’re accepting it and you’re really going to loose them.
“I…I don’t…He should go. He should go be on a beach or wherever he wants. That’s just…that’s who is and…” Arizona starts before she gets too choked up to finish her point. Her hands are gripping the edge of her suitcase and her back is turned slightly to me as she dips her head so her hair covers her face.
“He’s your best friend and he’s dying. You deserve the chance to say a real goodbye. To yell at him and cry and tell him that you love him one more time. You need that, you need closure.” I tell her as I stand up and mover behind her, my arms coming to settle around her waist and hug her gently back against my body. I just hold her and wait, feeling her tremble a bit as she fights back sobs, despite the tears I know are steaming down her face.
“Okay. I’ll…um…I’ll write him a note or something before I go and you can go talk to him once he wakes up. Sofia will be fine once she gets used to him a bit. He’ll probably make her fall in love him in about a second flat anyway, he’s always been great with kids. And I…I’ll go, save the tiny humans and then…come back.” Arizona says determinedly, her voice even though her breathing is a little shaky in spots.
“See, not so bad. You just needed a plan for your type A personality to cope.” I teases her, holding her a little tighter as she laughs weakly and turns in my embrace so she can wrap her arms around my waist and hug tightly. I just hold her close and kiss the top of her head, trying to give her all the comfort I can to get her through this and knowing that in the end nothing I do will be enough.
Author: walking_weapon
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes fears are irrational, and sometimes even if you know that you can't help but let them leak out.
Note: A little piece I added to episode 8x23. Really writers? Arizona's getting on a plane, presumably for the first time since going to Africa, and no one has anything to say about that? I don't think so.
“You asked me not to go anywhere so…So now I’m asking you. Don’t ever go anywhere. Ok?” I whisper, swallowing hard. I’m trying so, so hard to be strong for her, to be what she needs, but the idea of her getting on another plane and running from a problem…
“Of course not. Callie what are you so worried about? It’s just a couple days. I’ll rock the surgery and be back before you know it. And…and Nick said he’d stick around a few days, he wants to meet Sofia and get to know you a bit, so…so I’ll see him when I get back. I just…I just need a little space. And Alex…God that rat bastard. There is no way I’m letting him get anything else from me. Stupid traitor.” Arizona rambles, finishing in a huff as she keeps stuffing random clothes in her bag.
“Yeah, I know. Only a few days.” I repeat, trying to talk myself off the ledge. This isn’t what she needs right now. Her oldest friend is dying, Alex is leaving, and she’s dwelling on her brother’s death, I need to step up and be her anchor. So why am I tearing up?
“Exactly. I know he’ll be mad but I just…this is really about Alex and not him. Can you tell him that? And tell him I left without talking to him because he was sleeping. And give him my cell so he can call me and maybe you could visit him and…Callie? Are you listening?” She asks, finally turning around to look at me.
“Yeah of course I’m listening.” I say quickly, clearing my throat and trying to plaster on an attentive expression. I must not do as good a job hiding my stricken expression as I think though because her expression quickly turns to one of concern.
“Calliope what’s wrong?” She asks worriedly, amazing me with how compassionate she can be even with everything she’s going through.
“Nothing. Just missing you already.” I try and cover, plastering on a smile and pulling her into a hug. It’s a fierce hug that lasts too long though, and when I pull back she’s still eyeing me worriedly.
“Do you not want me to go? Because I won’t. I can find someone or call in a favor. Or…I mean if you really don’t want me to go I can still send Alex.” She offers, mouth twisting in distaste as she says his name.
“No, no it isn’t that. Well I don’t want you to go, but that’s not why I’m all…clingy like this. It’s…It’s just that…” I trail off, shaking my head and trying to figure out exactly why I’m acting like a hot mess. I mean I know why, kind of, but I don’t really want to say it out loud.
“Calliope, talk to me.” She demands softly, taking my hands in hers and looking me in the eye compassionately. God I got lucky when I married her…
“You’re getting on a plane. You’re getting on a plane and I hate planes and airports and I hate you being on a plane of in an airport and…I hate you leaving. Again.” I reveal in a rush, unable to keep it back any longer. This isn’t about her leaving for Africa or how that felt, this isn’t about guilt or resentment or me blaming her, it’s about my loathing of airports and planes that have been borne out of that. And maybe that’s mostly buried pain and unresolved emotion from it…but whatever. I never said it was rational.
“Oh Calliope…” Arizona murmurs, leading me by the hands over to the bed and pulling me down to sit next to her. “I’m not leaving, I’m just going away fro a surgery. I know…I know we don’t’ have a great track record with…any form of transportation really, but I’ll be fine. And I’ll be back before you know it.” She promises me gently, thumbs caressing the backs of my hands soothingly.
“I know. I know it’s stupid and I should be over all this, and god knows you don’t need me falling apart over nothing right now, but I…I hate planes. I hate that you left on one and I hate that I acted the way I did afterward and I just…” I trail off, shaking my head in frustration. What I’m feeling makes little enough sense to me, never mind trying to verbalize it to Arizona.
“I won’t go. I’ll call up that rat bastard Alex and-” Arizona starts, touching my heart with how compassionate and loving she is, even now with all she’s going through, and even with how loopy I’m acting.
“No. No you won’t.” I say firmly, shifting a bit to face her more. “I’m being crazy, I know that, and I don’t want that keeping you from helping those babies in Boise. We’re past Africa and all of that, we really are. You married me and you’re here and you’re Sofia’s Momma, I know you’re not going anywhere. It’s just a crazy irrational fear and I don’t want it keeping you from helping those tiny humans.” I insist, the words somehow helping me calm down more then I would have thought. I guess saying all that out loud sort of helps me put things in perspective.
“I love you so much Calliope.” Arizona smiles softly, leaning in for a tender kiss as she ups my cheek. “Even when it is your turn to be crazy.” She murmurs with a playful smile as she pulls away, resting her forehead against mine. “I’m not running. This…this isn’t me running, not for good anyway. I’m pissed at Alex so I don’t want him to go, and I need…I need some space from Nick and everything else. I’ll go, help the tiny humans and be awesome and clear my head a bit, and then I’ll come back and deal with everything. I promise.” She tells me as she stares into my eyes, never once so much as glancing away.
“Okay.” I nod, matching her smile with a small one of my own. “Sorry for being a morning, guess it was my turn huh?” I sigh, pulling back to let her get back to packing as I pick up a discarded shirt next to her suite case and start folding it. “Hey, there’s something else…um…how would you feel about Nick staying here for a bit? He hates the hospital right? So He could come stay here for a few days, be here when you get back so you two can get a real visit in without pagers and a hospital bed and interns around and all the rest.” I suggest to her, voicing something I’ve been mulling over all day.
“Callie…I…You don’t have to do that. I know he kind of rubs you the wrong way and you’re going to be on your own with Sofia, you don’t need someone else to look after.” Arizona argues, trying t brush off my suggestion even though I saw the flicker in her eyes that tells me she likes the idea.
“Arizona I can handle it. And from what I can tell…Nick loves you but he sucks at handling that and how scared he is so…I think we both know there’s a chance he might bolt and not be here when you get back. At least if he’s not in the hospital, if he’s here getting to eat normal food and not have tests run all the time and stuff, maybe he’ll be able to settle down for a few days and…and give you the goodbye you deserve.” I explain, hesitating at the end. Because really, who wants to say goodbye to someone they know is dying? Denial or being angry is so much easier to bare because saying goodbye…it means they’re really dying, it means you’re accepting it and you’re really going to loose them.
“I…I don’t…He should go. He should go be on a beach or wherever he wants. That’s just…that’s who is and…” Arizona starts before she gets too choked up to finish her point. Her hands are gripping the edge of her suitcase and her back is turned slightly to me as she dips her head so her hair covers her face.
“He’s your best friend and he’s dying. You deserve the chance to say a real goodbye. To yell at him and cry and tell him that you love him one more time. You need that, you need closure.” I tell her as I stand up and mover behind her, my arms coming to settle around her waist and hug her gently back against my body. I just hold her and wait, feeling her tremble a bit as she fights back sobs, despite the tears I know are steaming down her face.
“Okay. I’ll…um…I’ll write him a note or something before I go and you can go talk to him once he wakes up. Sofia will be fine once she gets used to him a bit. He’ll probably make her fall in love him in about a second flat anyway, he’s always been great with kids. And I…I’ll go, save the tiny humans and then…come back.” Arizona says determinedly, her voice even though her breathing is a little shaky in spots.
“See, not so bad. You just needed a plan for your type A personality to cope.” I teases her, holding her a little tighter as she laughs weakly and turns in my embrace so she can wrap her arms around my waist and hug tightly. I just hold her close and kiss the top of her head, trying to give her all the comfort I can to get her through this and knowing that in the end nothing I do will be enough.