just know the endeaver you're about to embark upon in reading this ridiculously long entry...
I'd enjoy it if you took the time to read this... but if you don't I understand- 'tis a bit lengthy...
shrunken to the point i find myself wandering through a forest of stalks of grass. each blade rises above me, shelters me in the shade and though I shimmy up the base trying over and over again to be kissed by the sun, i only get to the point right before the sun hits the stalks and i lose all control, lose footing, make obviously correctable mistakes and when i get back up it's not my feet but my hands that lose their girp... sometimes my balance causes for me to swing around and catch myself arms and legs wrapped around as i'm staring at the stalk above me... and recovery or the attempt at least causes me to fall.
-------
and when it's going so well getting closer, and closer to another person- my mind plays tricks with my body, actions happen sporadically and peculiarly. my impulse causes surprise and surprise causes self conciousness to follow- then i'd rather sit and stare and remain sollemn and calm so as to prevent the cycle from taking place, however all the while my mind is racing, i begin to contemplate action or potential actions in comparison to past actions and reactions they cause compell me to mold myself into purly actions of positive reactions and in contemplation, action becomes a foreign concept...
until i can't keep it in any longer, until i feel as if i'll die if i don't do something and it comes out in a burst of emotion, violent with expression, startling those friends around me, and afterwards i know they understand and yet i can't fathom how they do still love me, because i feel like such an idiot everytime, i feel so unworthy i feel as if i cause my own rejection through inaction and then the bursts throwing the other person into suck deep confusion they lost interest...
i feel like everyone should.
and my friends stick with me and i feel sorry for dtagging them through my ridiculous inability, or rather, reluctance to stop the cycle of clamming up when i feel like the emotions is too much for them too handle (or maybe not so much them but the fear of rejection) when i express the emotion, and sometimes i refrain solely because i don't want them to share my pain. i realize they care so much.
i've just been thinking so much about my cyclic actions in these situations and the above is what i've found. and though metaphoric expression of feeling helps to release some of the pressure though fancy alterations and fancy vocab it means nothing unless i take the time to know what it's telling me... i believe the above is where i find myself- it's telling me just to be because i can shine.
it's telling me to just be, instead of hessitantly fabrication a logical excuse not to do what instinct tells me to do... what that part of everyone that seems to just knows what to do, whether you call it gut instinct or intuition, concience... for me it's just like the decision making that occurs when you've relased every worry that has been unnecessarily elevated.
it's convincing yourself to know you can because in doing it it's you.
it almost seems like an outside source because i pay attention to it so little and it happens so rare it seems foreign even though it's whithin my being.
sometimes i wish reaction with people in everyday life was as simple as soccer. well only those games where i would just get into the zone ... skill really has nothing to do with it , i could just feel where to go to compensate for the position of the striker and the position of the ball in order to tackle a pass or anticipate exactly where the ball would land, where and when to time a slide tackle...anticipate exactly which fancy move the striker would try, and then tap the ball behind them as if it were so easy...
maybe i should stop wishing and live life alert seeing where i am and where the feelings are, compensate for the pass of those around me and tackle the oppurtunities when they come, sometimes letting them blindly score a worthless goal without pointlessly attempting to show them true glory and self acceptance, maybe after a few more assists, self love will be the end result... or maybe i should just take my own fucking advice... ha ha
i laugh in my face, nervous laughter mixed with a sentiment of disgust and yet after a deep breath and a few tears i'll bring myself from beneath my covers, start the day and show a smile that shines true, close my eyes, point them towards the sun and blindly feel around in the light.
shrunken to the point i find myself wandering through a forest of stalks of grass. each blade rises above me, shelters me in the shade and though I shimmy up the base trying over and over again to be kissed by the sun, i only get to the point right before the sun hits the stalks and i lose all control, lose footing, make obviously correctable mistakes and when i get back up it's not my feet but my hands that lose their girp... sometimes my balance causes for me to swing around and catch myself arms and legs wrapped around as i'm staring at the stalk above me... and recovery or the attempt at least causes me to fall.
-------
and when it's going so well getting closer, and closer to another person- my mind plays tricks with my body, actions happen sporadically and peculiarly. my impulse causes surprise and surprise causes self conciousness to follow- then i'd rather sit and stare and remain sollemn and calm so as to prevent the cycle from taking place, however all the while my mind is racing, i begin to contemplate action or potential actions in comparison to past actions and reactions they cause compell me to mold myself into purly actions of positive reactions and in contemplation, action becomes a foreign concept...
until i can't keep it in any longer, until i feel as if i'll die if i don't do something and it comes out in a burst of emotion, violent with expression, startling those friends around me, and afterwards i know they understand and yet i can't fathom how they do still love me, because i feel like such an idiot everytime, i feel so unworthy i feel as if i cause my own rejection through inaction and then the bursts throwing the other person into suck deep confusion they lost interest...
i feel like everyone should.
and my friends stick with me and i feel sorry for dtagging them through my ridiculous inability, or rather, reluctance to stop the cycle of clamming up when i feel like the emotions is too much for them too handle (or maybe not so much them but the fear of rejection) when i express the emotion, and sometimes i refrain solely because i don't want them to share my pain. i realize they care so much.
i've just been thinking so much about my cyclic actions in these situations and the above is what i've found. and though metaphoric expression of feeling helps to release some of the pressure though fancy alterations and fancy vocab it means nothing unless i take the time to know what it's telling me... i believe the above is where i find myself- it's telling me just to be because i can shine.
it's telling me to just be, instead of hessitantly fabrication a logical excuse not to do what instinct tells me to do... what that part of everyone that seems to just knows what to do, whether you call it gut instinct or intuition, concience... for me it's just like the decision making that occurs when you've relased every worry that has been unnecessarily elevated.
it's convincing yourself to know you can because in doing it it's you.
it almost seems like an outside source because i pay attention to it so little and it happens so rare it seems foreign even though it's whithin my being.
sometimes i wish reaction with people in everyday life was as simple as soccer. well only those games where i would just get into the zone ... skill really has nothing to do with it , i could just feel where to go to compensate for the position of the striker and the position of the ball in order to tackle a pass or anticipate exactly where the ball would land, where and when to time a slide tackle...anticipate exactly which fancy move the striker would try, and then tap the ball behind them as if it were so easy...
maybe i should stop wishing and live life alert seeing where i am and where the feelings are, compensate for the pass of those around me and tackle the oppurtunities when they come, sometimes letting them blindly score a worthless goal without pointlessly attempting to show them true glory and self acceptance, maybe after a few more assists, self love will be the end result... or maybe i should just take my own fucking advice... ha ha
i laugh in my face, nervous laughter mixed with a sentiment of disgust and yet after a deep breath and a few tears i'll bring myself from beneath my covers, start the day and show a smile that shines true, close my eyes, point them towards the sun and blindly feel around in the light.