LJ Idol Season 6 Week 10 - Sex is Something That We Should Do
o/` "What's your definition of dirty baby
What do you consider pornography
Don't you know i love you till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you had sex with me" o/`
-- "I Want Your Sex" performed by George Michael
Ordinarily, the articles on Care2MakeADifference provide me with gentle food for thought on a variety of topics ranging from spirituality to health and greener living. With such respected members of the New Age community such as Deepak Chopra involved, I've come to expect a certain quality from the site...including tolerance.
It looks like they dropped the ball on this one.
My husband and I are polyamorous. We share one lover between us and I've another he sanctioned. We also have one close relationship which classifies as polyamorous but does not now and never will involve sex.
Not that the author of the article cannot even call the practice by its designated name, and allow me to define the practice for you.
According to various resources polyamory can be defined by these two concepts:
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
-- Wikipedia on polyamory
Let us also note what it is not. Polyamory is not polygamy, which is the practice of one man marrying more than one wife. It is also not swinging, which is the practice of consensual couples trading partners for the purpose of sexual gratification. With these things in mind, I would like to take a closer look at the article itself and present my rebuttal.
"Non-monogamy is about one thing-sex."
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I love a good energetic romp with my partners but that's certainly not what defines our relationship to one another. Mr. Shapeshifter and I came together over a mutual interest in science fiction and several fandoms. We're best friends and even though we're married sex as the primary activity rarely enters into the equasion. When it does, it's an expression of mutual pleasure and intimacy. Dorie and I were also friends long before we became lovers.
It might actually surprise you to know that two lesbians don't spend all their time naked and sweaty in one another's arms. My greatest pleasure with her has been watching a Saints game and chatting while I cut vegetables for a meal she cooked. We love to sit together, sometimes not talking for hours, and work on our various art projects or read. Dorie's relationship with Mr. Shapeshifter is more physical, but then the relationship started with a physical attraction. He and I worked out the terms under which the three of us could interact and, with those boundaries in mind, they spend their time together. They're still getting to know one another so they spend a lot of time cuddled together, caressing and touching, while they share confidences. Sex very often does not happen, but there's intimacy.
I met Dee by virtue of his relation to Dorie (he's her older brother). Mr. Shapeshifter and Dee treat one another with polite respect but really have no other relationship to one another. He permits me to be with Dee but requested a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach. Initially Dee was not allowed in our house, but Mr. Shapeshifter has gotten comfortable enough with him that he may now come and go as he pleases. Dee and I spend quite a lot of time just talking or expressing gentle affection for one another. He's aware of the scars left by my past and I'm learning his. Sex is a rare and wonderful thing with him, rare because he lets go his defenses and wonderful because he finally trusts me enough to be that intimate.
H. is a completely different matter. Both Mr. Shapeshifter and I consider her a part of our poly family though there will not now and never will be any sex involved (she's just not our type and we're not hers). However, she's more than a friend or a relative. I certainly wouldn't discuss my choice of marital aids or different sexual positions with a best friend or a relative. I've confided things to her which I would never tell anyone else. She holds my medical power of attorney and when I was hospitalized, she took care of seeing to it that my wishes were carried out regarding treatment. H. has offered to drive three hours one way in order to get me to any medical appointments I need to make. When Mr. Shapeshifter had his endoscopy done, H. came to stay with us and make certain that Mr. Shapeshifter would be all right. Sometimes the two of them cuddle under a blanket and he massages her feet.
It isn't about the sex. Sex in a polyamorous relationship is quite good and occurs in endless variety as each partner is different but it isn't the focus of the relationship and sometimes it isn't even part of the relationship at all.
More than anything else, sex with other people seems to violate the contract of marriage, and, in turn, monogamy. Sure, people still associate monogamy with marriage, but most people nowadays associate monogamy (or open relationships) with sex.
The author badly contradicts herself here. Moments before she defined monogamy as a non-open relationship to one person at a time. Now she's equating monogamy with open relationships and sex. As for the assertion that sex with other people violates marriage...I've found that since Mr. Shapeshifter and I set our boundaries that he's more at ease, more appreciative of me, and less likely to wander. He and I have, in the past, often enjoyed pointing out women we found beautiful, attractive, or striking. He's told me that he feels a lot more comfortable and secure in our marriage for being allowed that privilege. He's also told me that having the option of being able to ask if he can have a relationship with someone else makes him far less likely to avail himself of that option. Knowing it's there is enough.
And I don’t see them staying together longer than their monogamous counterparts. And even if a true-love-non-monogamy thing was possible, why would we even want it? If we see and believe the connection between sex and emotions and love, why would we want to toss it around so casually?
My husband and I have been together almost fifteen years and married for ten of those. We opened up our marriage about two years into our relationship and we're still married. According to the current statistics, we've already beaten the lifespan of most monogamous marriages. Dorie has been with us for five years. We've known H. for so long I can't even recall how or where we met her. Dee has only been with us a few months, but I've known him for years. It seems to me, considering the average US marriage only lasts five to seven years, that we've already beaten the odds. These people are my true loves; I cannot imagine my life without them. Why do I want more than one true love and more than one relationship? It's simple, inherent in the term polyamory: many loves; my heart is capable of embracing and appreciating more than one partner, each of whom brings something different to enrich my life.
It's not a casual decision either. My first love and I talked about opening our marriage for months and it was two years before we even considered finding someone we might want to include in our relationship. We spent a lot of time defining and exploring what each could handle and what would never be acceptable. These terms had to be discussed and spelled out with potential parters as well. It was never a casual arrangement. Poly relationships have to be as carefully built as any other and if sex is all that's holding it together, sooner or later it's going to fall apart.
being non-monogamous is what keeps them together.
I take great offense to that statement. Polyamory is how we're able to put together this fantastic family we have, but it's not how we keep it together. It's kept together through the same things which make a monogamous marriage work: open communication, honesty, respect for one another and boundaries, emotional support, financial stability, and a desire to please. If tomorrow someone told me I could never again have sex with Dee or Dorie, it would not end our relationship. Our relationship is simply not about that one element nor does that one element define us. It's the cuddles, the caresses, the late night talks had on the couch while sipping cocoa, the arms wrapped around you while you cry your heart out, the vigil sat bedside in a hospital which make the relationship.
Does this sound like someone who doesn't believe in love? That's what the woman who wrote the article would have you believe, but I don't think so. I just happen to have room in my heart and my life for more than one lover...and I'm glad of it.
What do you consider pornography
Don't you know i love you till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you had sex with me" o/`
-- "I Want Your Sex" performed by George Michael
Ordinarily, the articles on Care2MakeADifference provide me with gentle food for thought on a variety of topics ranging from spirituality to health and greener living. With such respected members of the New Age community such as Deepak Chopra involved, I've come to expect a certain quality from the site...including tolerance.
It looks like they dropped the ball on this one.
My husband and I are polyamorous. We share one lover between us and I've another he sanctioned. We also have one close relationship which classifies as polyamorous but does not now and never will involve sex.
Not that the author of the article cannot even call the practice by its designated name, and allow me to define the practice for you.
According to various resources polyamory can be defined by these two concepts:
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
-- Wikipedia on polyamory
Let us also note what it is not. Polyamory is not polygamy, which is the practice of one man marrying more than one wife. It is also not swinging, which is the practice of consensual couples trading partners for the purpose of sexual gratification. With these things in mind, I would like to take a closer look at the article itself and present my rebuttal.
"Non-monogamy is about one thing-sex."
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I love a good energetic romp with my partners but that's certainly not what defines our relationship to one another. Mr. Shapeshifter and I came together over a mutual interest in science fiction and several fandoms. We're best friends and even though we're married sex as the primary activity rarely enters into the equasion. When it does, it's an expression of mutual pleasure and intimacy. Dorie and I were also friends long before we became lovers.
It might actually surprise you to know that two lesbians don't spend all their time naked and sweaty in one another's arms. My greatest pleasure with her has been watching a Saints game and chatting while I cut vegetables for a meal she cooked. We love to sit together, sometimes not talking for hours, and work on our various art projects or read. Dorie's relationship with Mr. Shapeshifter is more physical, but then the relationship started with a physical attraction. He and I worked out the terms under which the three of us could interact and, with those boundaries in mind, they spend their time together. They're still getting to know one another so they spend a lot of time cuddled together, caressing and touching, while they share confidences. Sex very often does not happen, but there's intimacy.
I met Dee by virtue of his relation to Dorie (he's her older brother). Mr. Shapeshifter and Dee treat one another with polite respect but really have no other relationship to one another. He permits me to be with Dee but requested a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach. Initially Dee was not allowed in our house, but Mr. Shapeshifter has gotten comfortable enough with him that he may now come and go as he pleases. Dee and I spend quite a lot of time just talking or expressing gentle affection for one another. He's aware of the scars left by my past and I'm learning his. Sex is a rare and wonderful thing with him, rare because he lets go his defenses and wonderful because he finally trusts me enough to be that intimate.
H. is a completely different matter. Both Mr. Shapeshifter and I consider her a part of our poly family though there will not now and never will be any sex involved (she's just not our type and we're not hers). However, she's more than a friend or a relative. I certainly wouldn't discuss my choice of marital aids or different sexual positions with a best friend or a relative. I've confided things to her which I would never tell anyone else. She holds my medical power of attorney and when I was hospitalized, she took care of seeing to it that my wishes were carried out regarding treatment. H. has offered to drive three hours one way in order to get me to any medical appointments I need to make. When Mr. Shapeshifter had his endoscopy done, H. came to stay with us and make certain that Mr. Shapeshifter would be all right. Sometimes the two of them cuddle under a blanket and he massages her feet.
It isn't about the sex. Sex in a polyamorous relationship is quite good and occurs in endless variety as each partner is different but it isn't the focus of the relationship and sometimes it isn't even part of the relationship at all.
More than anything else, sex with other people seems to violate the contract of marriage, and, in turn, monogamy. Sure, people still associate monogamy with marriage, but most people nowadays associate monogamy (or open relationships) with sex.
The author badly contradicts herself here. Moments before she defined monogamy as a non-open relationship to one person at a time. Now she's equating monogamy with open relationships and sex. As for the assertion that sex with other people violates marriage...I've found that since Mr. Shapeshifter and I set our boundaries that he's more at ease, more appreciative of me, and less likely to wander. He and I have, in the past, often enjoyed pointing out women we found beautiful, attractive, or striking. He's told me that he feels a lot more comfortable and secure in our marriage for being allowed that privilege. He's also told me that having the option of being able to ask if he can have a relationship with someone else makes him far less likely to avail himself of that option. Knowing it's there is enough.
And I don’t see them staying together longer than their monogamous counterparts. And even if a true-love-non-monogamy thing was possible, why would we even want it? If we see and believe the connection between sex and emotions and love, why would we want to toss it around so casually?
My husband and I have been together almost fifteen years and married for ten of those. We opened up our marriage about two years into our relationship and we're still married. According to the current statistics, we've already beaten the lifespan of most monogamous marriages. Dorie has been with us for five years. We've known H. for so long I can't even recall how or where we met her. Dee has only been with us a few months, but I've known him for years. It seems to me, considering the average US marriage only lasts five to seven years, that we've already beaten the odds. These people are my true loves; I cannot imagine my life without them. Why do I want more than one true love and more than one relationship? It's simple, inherent in the term polyamory: many loves; my heart is capable of embracing and appreciating more than one partner, each of whom brings something different to enrich my life.
It's not a casual decision either. My first love and I talked about opening our marriage for months and it was two years before we even considered finding someone we might want to include in our relationship. We spent a lot of time defining and exploring what each could handle and what would never be acceptable. These terms had to be discussed and spelled out with potential parters as well. It was never a casual arrangement. Poly relationships have to be as carefully built as any other and if sex is all that's holding it together, sooner or later it's going to fall apart.
being non-monogamous is what keeps them together.
I take great offense to that statement. Polyamory is how we're able to put together this fantastic family we have, but it's not how we keep it together. It's kept together through the same things which make a monogamous marriage work: open communication, honesty, respect for one another and boundaries, emotional support, financial stability, and a desire to please. If tomorrow someone told me I could never again have sex with Dee or Dorie, it would not end our relationship. Our relationship is simply not about that one element nor does that one element define us. It's the cuddles, the caresses, the late night talks had on the couch while sipping cocoa, the arms wrapped around you while you cry your heart out, the vigil sat bedside in a hospital which make the relationship.
Does this sound like someone who doesn't believe in love? That's what the woman who wrote the article would have you believe, but I don't think so. I just happen to have room in my heart and my life for more than one lover...and I'm glad of it.