I hope you are not alone, I hope you are not scared
Description: Based on Ihrtmr story 6000 Santa Monica ( http://ihrtmr.livejournal.com/11323.html ). Scotty finds a letter Kevin wrote to their unborn baby. This may or may not be part of a several chapters story.
Timeline (of the letter): Sometime between season 4 and 5, a little while after Michelle "miscarriaged".
A/N: Tissue alert, you are warned.
Scotty is cleaning Kevin's desk to kill some time, Kevin is working as usual and even if he is not, he is never home. Things are not working as he expected they would, he knows things are not easy for Kevin, hell they are not easy for him, all he knows is that he loves Kevin, and Kevin loves him... right? He sighs and fights with the stuck drawer, it takes a while but it finally gives in. He is about to close it again when a folded piece of paper falls and ends on his right shoe. He takes it in his hands, unfolds it and gasps as he starts reading. In the very clear handwritng of his husband, a letter to their baby, dated a few weeks after Michelle's last call.
My dear baby child August,
I am writing to you today although you will never read this. I guess I need to take this out of my chest to help me deal with this pain that is eating me inside and making me a very sad and dark person, someone you definitely wouldn't want for a father.
A couple of weeks ago, your carrier, Michelle called us and told us that you were gone, she told us that she had been feeling sick while visiting her family and by the time she made it to the hospital there was nothing to be done, you were already gone, we had lost you. Just like that, all our dreams to see you grow up were shattered. I am sleepless since then and I don't think I will ever have the courage to close my eyes again, knowing I will see your face and hear your laughter only to wake up and realise it was all in my mind. We lost you, you are gone and you won't come back.
I will never get to meet you but I want you to meet us. Your dad Scotty and I met several years ago, it was very complicated at first with a lot of fights and break ups until we found balance through actually learn to be friends and get to know each other for once. There were some bumps down the road but everything was pretty smooth since then. You have to know that I was the one to propose to your dad, I even got down on my knee. If you had gotten to meet me you would know how atypical of me that was but that is what your dad makes me do. he makes me do crazy things, because I love him, I love him so much. We started talking about having a baby a while after getting married but you must also know that 2 dads can't make one so we had some help, that is why you were in Michelle's belly and not ours, we were meaning to make her your godmother and keep her around but she is now back in New York, on the other side of the country and we haven't seen her or spoken to her.
We tried once but it didn't work, you see, making a baby is a very difficult matter but we wanted to be parents so badly we didn't care. We tried a second time and then you came. It was a long process and I missed the beginning and for that I apologize, but your dad was there holding Michelle's hand. A few weeks later, we found out we were "halfway pregnant" and we went crazy, and by the time we confirmed you were actually real we went bananas. Your dad had bought baby names books and we spent an entire day looking for a name that defined you. It wasn't easy and we ended up going for rock, scissors and paper but we finally agreed on your name. Back then we didn't know you were going to be a boy, so we had a name for you in case you were a girl too. It was Sophia... would have you liked that? I guess we will never know.
Do you remember the lullabies? Your dad Scotty and I sang them to you every day and would caress her belly so you could get used to our touch and when we weren't there, Michelle would put these headphones on her belly and play a cd with our voices for you to hear. Michelle would get so bored she even fell asleep before you did a few times I think. Once you kicked me in the mouth when I was kissing you goodnight, I guess you were tired and sleepy and wanted me to leave you alone. I get that.
You were so wanted and so loved, you still are and will always be. You will never know how much we wanted to have you. Your dad scotty and I have a big family, you would have had several aunts, uncles and cousins, a grandma and even a great-granduncle who would have spoiled you to the core. We all would have. I would have, I do love you so much and I miss you so terribly it gets hard to breath. It feels like my chest is being crushed every time I try to take a deep breath, it feels like my heart was ripped off my chest, the pain is so deep I cannot even find the words to explain. It is like all my dreams and hopes, everything I ever wanted and wished for, everyting I ever thought I would be, everything, everything is gone with you.
Last night I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying not to think of you but failing miserably when your dad turned around and puts his arms around me, and you know what? all I could think about was you and how much I missed you and how I couldn't talk about it to anyone, not even your dad because no one, not even him, understand how I am feeling right now and how dead I feel inside. You know, you are not my first child, you are my third. Your uncle Tommy couldn't have babies so I helped him, he and his wife Julia had 2 babies, William and Elizabeth. William was sick and he couldn't make it - is he with you? - and Elizabeth moved away with your aunt Julia and I haven't seen here in a long time. Back then I thought of them as my nephew and niece and I grieved my brother's lost, not mine but now, now I do realised they are indeed my kids too. I hadn't realised how deeply pain can be inflicted or maybe I didn't want to because I knew wasn't going to be able to deal with it. I certainly can't now.
You know what the worst part is?, it is no missing you - which I do with all my heart, please don't get me wrong - I am a big boy and I will be ok... eventually. The worst part is not knowing how you are doing, where you are. Did it hurt? did you know what was going on? were you scared? oh God I pray to the heavens you didn't suffer, please tell me you left in your sleep. I couldn't live another day knowing you were aware of what was happening. Did you try to fight? did you try to call me for help? I am so sorry I wasn't there, I should have. Every day I made sure you were ok, and the one day you weren't within my reach... I failed you son, I failed you and I am sorry. I should have been there, I should have been there for you like I should have been for my other 2 kids. I never understood what it is like to be a father until you came into my life but I will never get to taste the good side of it, I will never get to hold you in my arms, carry you in my back, hear you laugh and confort you when you cry. I will never get to look you in the eye and see your dad and I in them, I will never get to hold your hand on your first day of school and reassure you that everyting will be alright. I would have taken the day off and spent the day outside your classroom peeking and waiting for your day to be over to take you back home. I would have taught you to toss a ball and ride a bike, I would have let you sleep in our bed if you had a bad dream, I would have secretly been on your side every time your dad weren't. I would have made my entire schedule work around you, your bottles and naps, I would have... so many things my beloved son, my dear August.
I miss you, and I love you. Please watch over me, I need you to.
Your father, Kevin.
Timeline (of the letter): Sometime between season 4 and 5, a little while after Michelle "miscarriaged".
A/N: Tissue alert, you are warned.
Scotty is cleaning Kevin's desk to kill some time, Kevin is working as usual and even if he is not, he is never home. Things are not working as he expected they would, he knows things are not easy for Kevin, hell they are not easy for him, all he knows is that he loves Kevin, and Kevin loves him... right? He sighs and fights with the stuck drawer, it takes a while but it finally gives in. He is about to close it again when a folded piece of paper falls and ends on his right shoe. He takes it in his hands, unfolds it and gasps as he starts reading. In the very clear handwritng of his husband, a letter to their baby, dated a few weeks after Michelle's last call.
My dear baby child August,
I am writing to you today although you will never read this. I guess I need to take this out of my chest to help me deal with this pain that is eating me inside and making me a very sad and dark person, someone you definitely wouldn't want for a father.
A couple of weeks ago, your carrier, Michelle called us and told us that you were gone, she told us that she had been feeling sick while visiting her family and by the time she made it to the hospital there was nothing to be done, you were already gone, we had lost you. Just like that, all our dreams to see you grow up were shattered. I am sleepless since then and I don't think I will ever have the courage to close my eyes again, knowing I will see your face and hear your laughter only to wake up and realise it was all in my mind. We lost you, you are gone and you won't come back.
I will never get to meet you but I want you to meet us. Your dad Scotty and I met several years ago, it was very complicated at first with a lot of fights and break ups until we found balance through actually learn to be friends and get to know each other for once. There were some bumps down the road but everything was pretty smooth since then. You have to know that I was the one to propose to your dad, I even got down on my knee. If you had gotten to meet me you would know how atypical of me that was but that is what your dad makes me do. he makes me do crazy things, because I love him, I love him so much. We started talking about having a baby a while after getting married but you must also know that 2 dads can't make one so we had some help, that is why you were in Michelle's belly and not ours, we were meaning to make her your godmother and keep her around but she is now back in New York, on the other side of the country and we haven't seen her or spoken to her.
We tried once but it didn't work, you see, making a baby is a very difficult matter but we wanted to be parents so badly we didn't care. We tried a second time and then you came. It was a long process and I missed the beginning and for that I apologize, but your dad was there holding Michelle's hand. A few weeks later, we found out we were "halfway pregnant" and we went crazy, and by the time we confirmed you were actually real we went bananas. Your dad had bought baby names books and we spent an entire day looking for a name that defined you. It wasn't easy and we ended up going for rock, scissors and paper but we finally agreed on your name. Back then we didn't know you were going to be a boy, so we had a name for you in case you were a girl too. It was Sophia... would have you liked that? I guess we will never know.
Do you remember the lullabies? Your dad Scotty and I sang them to you every day and would caress her belly so you could get used to our touch and when we weren't there, Michelle would put these headphones on her belly and play a cd with our voices for you to hear. Michelle would get so bored she even fell asleep before you did a few times I think. Once you kicked me in the mouth when I was kissing you goodnight, I guess you were tired and sleepy and wanted me to leave you alone. I get that.
You were so wanted and so loved, you still are and will always be. You will never know how much we wanted to have you. Your dad scotty and I have a big family, you would have had several aunts, uncles and cousins, a grandma and even a great-granduncle who would have spoiled you to the core. We all would have. I would have, I do love you so much and I miss you so terribly it gets hard to breath. It feels like my chest is being crushed every time I try to take a deep breath, it feels like my heart was ripped off my chest, the pain is so deep I cannot even find the words to explain. It is like all my dreams and hopes, everything I ever wanted and wished for, everyting I ever thought I would be, everything, everything is gone with you.
Last night I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling trying not to think of you but failing miserably when your dad turned around and puts his arms around me, and you know what? all I could think about was you and how much I missed you and how I couldn't talk about it to anyone, not even your dad because no one, not even him, understand how I am feeling right now and how dead I feel inside. You know, you are not my first child, you are my third. Your uncle Tommy couldn't have babies so I helped him, he and his wife Julia had 2 babies, William and Elizabeth. William was sick and he couldn't make it - is he with you? - and Elizabeth moved away with your aunt Julia and I haven't seen here in a long time. Back then I thought of them as my nephew and niece and I grieved my brother's lost, not mine but now, now I do realised they are indeed my kids too. I hadn't realised how deeply pain can be inflicted or maybe I didn't want to because I knew wasn't going to be able to deal with it. I certainly can't now.
You know what the worst part is?, it is no missing you - which I do with all my heart, please don't get me wrong - I am a big boy and I will be ok... eventually. The worst part is not knowing how you are doing, where you are. Did it hurt? did you know what was going on? were you scared? oh God I pray to the heavens you didn't suffer, please tell me you left in your sleep. I couldn't live another day knowing you were aware of what was happening. Did you try to fight? did you try to call me for help? I am so sorry I wasn't there, I should have. Every day I made sure you were ok, and the one day you weren't within my reach... I failed you son, I failed you and I am sorry. I should have been there, I should have been there for you like I should have been for my other 2 kids. I never understood what it is like to be a father until you came into my life but I will never get to taste the good side of it, I will never get to hold you in my arms, carry you in my back, hear you laugh and confort you when you cry. I will never get to look you in the eye and see your dad and I in them, I will never get to hold your hand on your first day of school and reassure you that everyting will be alright. I would have taken the day off and spent the day outside your classroom peeking and waiting for your day to be over to take you back home. I would have taught you to toss a ball and ride a bike, I would have let you sleep in our bed if you had a bad dream, I would have secretly been on your side every time your dad weren't. I would have made my entire schedule work around you, your bottles and naps, I would have... so many things my beloved son, my dear August.
I miss you, and I love you. Please watch over me, I need you to.
Your father, Kevin.