im alive. i guess.
this week hasn't been going too well for me. my dad decided that since i haven't started college yet, he doesn't have to pay child support for me any more. it is true that since i'm not in college yet that he doesn't legally have to pay any more, but he has made it abundantly clear through his actions that from the time he left he hasn't wanted to support either of his kids financially. he has tried to stop paying on at least one occasion, he has missed at least 2 payments over the years (the second one wasn't so bad because it was only a few months ago and our mom had enough money, but the first time he did it we didn't have anything so i didn't eat so well, thank god for my friends support) and i'm not sure if he has ever been on time with a check. he has told my mom that he will not help pay for college (or much else for that matter) and he seems to think that what little he gives each month is a more than adequate substitute for a father, when in actuality what he sends each month has never even been enough to even pay the bills let alone basic needs. if it weren't for my grandmother on my moms side, one of my moms brothers, and the constant support of my friends, i'm sure i would have starved, ended up out on the street, or in a foster home were i'm sure i would have met neglect and abuse. he has also said done things in the past that have shown me quite clearly were me and my little brother stand in his life. he says we are important to him but his actions and certain things he has said have led me to believe otherwise. i have always loved him, but it really hurts when he does these things and i don't see how he doesn't realize how badly those kind of things hurt, which makes me wonder, does he even care? I don't usually see the check he sends but if there is something wrong with it i always hear about it. when the check came a couple of days ago about half of it was missing so my mom came to me and started yelling at me and said things like "why the fuck did you tell him that" and "what the fuck" and "well now you better start pulling your weight around here". my mom believes that i sit around all day and do nothing. but that is not the case. i pick up things here and there to keep the house from becoming a filthy mess, i'm constantly watching my little brother to make sure he is doing his home work and staying out of trouble. if he needs help with some thing i am always there. basically i'm a 19 year old stay at home dad who is grossly under appreciated. the whole reason i moved up here in the first place was to help her with jeffrey. if it weren't for him i would have stayed in so-cal. so she constantly yells and screams at me. i can never seem to get a moments peace from her constant harassment. she never has anything good to say about me, even to our family. its has just gotten to the point were i don't really feel much anymore, and when i do i act kinda weired because it is not some thing that i am used to. i think she looks at me like i'm a lazy leech who always wants to spend her money and thinks it grows on trees and that i sit around doing absolutely nothing all day, but it is quite the opposite. i am no stranger to hard work, she just never seems to see any of the stuff i do. she is so focused on the things i'm not doing she is blind to any thing i actually do. the whole reason i am up in nor-cal with her is to help her out. i wanted to stay in so-cal with my friends were i would be happy, but i traded that for misery so i could help her and my little brother. i cant imagine what problems could arise if i left jeffrey alone with her. she would probably screw him up pretty bad seeing what she puts me through. i truly hate it here. i have no friends that i hang out with. i have been almost completely alone for the past 16 months. if I didn't go to church then i would have no social exposure what so ever. every one there is really nice but it doesn't seem to make me any happier. i have been having thoughts that i haven't had in a long time or have never had before i came here. this place is killing me, albeit slowly. i am a very strong person, i always have been. but i'm not sure how much more i can take. just when i think i finally have a break it ends up being some thing either worse than before or some thing that I have never dealt with before. it never ends. it has been this way my whole life. i'm in a lot of pain and there never seems to be any release. please, if any one should read this, don't think me weak or whiny, this is the first time any of this has ever made it out of my head. i usually just keep it in there where it doesn't bother anyone, but i have been told that talking about things can help, and since i am the one who people always talk to when they need some one to talk to, i have never really had anyone who i could talk to who could help me, so i think this is as good as its gonna get lol.oh well, i'm alive. i guess. that should count for some thing.