(no subject)
Today. today...
what to say about today..
Somedays I just feel like a leaf blowing in a tornado. like I have no control whatsoever, except over how loud to scream. or to not scream at all.
I didnt scream today.
After so long of being by yourself, you forget how to use your voice. Eventually the only thing you have left is an inner monologue.
I went to dinner with her. She said I seemed super depressed. I dont know if I am. I'm just lost. I dont know what to think, or do, or how to act. Shes not mine anymore, she made that clear. She was in a good mood. I feel bad if I let her down, or brought her down from it. but its no coincidence to me why...
"Hey what are you doing?"
"I tried calling you a while ago"
"Yeah I was watching a movie"
"Oh... What are you doing now?"
"I'm hanging out with my friend *****, and I dont know for how much longer. maybe 9 or 10, idk. I'll come over afterwards"
"Ok" (yessss)
Later that night..
"I'm in a really good mood right now"
"Why?"
"Idk.. Maybe cause my room is so clean" (yeah right)
so dinner wasnt going to be a super happy experience for me since all I could think about was her having a great fucking time with that piece of shit. I met him once. Piece of shit. Period.
but I guess it got better. :/
What is wrong with me though? Even though I know she obviously wanted to see me since she came (and is still here sleeping on my couch), I cant help but think how unimportant I am to her.
Whats wrong with me that she doesnt want to be with me. (This is the part where you swallow those words. You know what words. Youre too good for her, Why would you want someone who doesnt want you back, I'm here for you if you need me, Blah Blah, Etc..) I do everything for her. Or at least I try. I try my best to treat her the way Kris Roe talks about treating the girl he wants in San Dimas High School Football Rules. I've already taken her to Disneyland. If I could have I would have taken her on all the rides without waiting in line. I would rob a Quicky Mart for her. So why am I not good enough? Why would you not want a relationship with someone you claim is SO important to you and would crawl to the ends of existance for you?
Could I just be wrong? Is there something else? and DO NOT tell me to be patient. I have been more patient than you have ever been about anything, that I can promise you.
Patience isnt a virtue anymore. Its a luxury. A luxury I dont have. For a little while now, I've been having this pressing feeling like something bad is going to happen. Something bad with my health. Like I'm going to get a tumor, or have an embolysm pop in my brain and I drop dead. Or just something that I'm not going to recover from. I feel like God is trying to tell me something but I cant figure it out. I suddenly feel like I dont have time. And I'm wasting the time I do have, working. Maybe I'm honestly mentally ill. I keep seeing things. I keep hearing things.
I dont think I'm done yet. But maybe God will make me a martyr for something. Maybe he will just take me back to remind my Loved ones not to take things for granted. Maybe it will be to remind me not to take life for granted. Maybe if I dont figure out what He wants and do it soon I will be taken because I failed. Because I missed my opportunity.
Lord guide me.
Bless me and make tomorrow a beautiful day.
Please dont tell me that this has all been in vain
what to say about today..
Somedays I just feel like a leaf blowing in a tornado. like I have no control whatsoever, except over how loud to scream. or to not scream at all.
I didnt scream today.
After so long of being by yourself, you forget how to use your voice. Eventually the only thing you have left is an inner monologue.
I went to dinner with her. She said I seemed super depressed. I dont know if I am. I'm just lost. I dont know what to think, or do, or how to act. Shes not mine anymore, she made that clear. She was in a good mood. I feel bad if I let her down, or brought her down from it. but its no coincidence to me why...
"Hey what are you doing?"
"I tried calling you a while ago"
"Yeah I was watching a movie"
"Oh... What are you doing now?"
"I'm hanging out with my friend *****, and I dont know for how much longer. maybe 9 or 10, idk. I'll come over afterwards"
"Ok" (yessss)
Later that night..
"I'm in a really good mood right now"
"Why?"
"Idk.. Maybe cause my room is so clean" (yeah right)
so dinner wasnt going to be a super happy experience for me since all I could think about was her having a great fucking time with that piece of shit. I met him once. Piece of shit. Period.
but I guess it got better. :/
What is wrong with me though? Even though I know she obviously wanted to see me since she came (and is still here sleeping on my couch), I cant help but think how unimportant I am to her.
Whats wrong with me that she doesnt want to be with me. (This is the part where you swallow those words. You know what words. Youre too good for her, Why would you want someone who doesnt want you back, I'm here for you if you need me, Blah Blah, Etc..) I do everything for her. Or at least I try. I try my best to treat her the way Kris Roe talks about treating the girl he wants in San Dimas High School Football Rules. I've already taken her to Disneyland. If I could have I would have taken her on all the rides without waiting in line. I would rob a Quicky Mart for her. So why am I not good enough? Why would you not want a relationship with someone you claim is SO important to you and would crawl to the ends of existance for you?
Could I just be wrong? Is there something else? and DO NOT tell me to be patient. I have been more patient than you have ever been about anything, that I can promise you.
Patience isnt a virtue anymore. Its a luxury. A luxury I dont have. For a little while now, I've been having this pressing feeling like something bad is going to happen. Something bad with my health. Like I'm going to get a tumor, or have an embolysm pop in my brain and I drop dead. Or just something that I'm not going to recover from. I feel like God is trying to tell me something but I cant figure it out. I suddenly feel like I dont have time. And I'm wasting the time I do have, working. Maybe I'm honestly mentally ill. I keep seeing things. I keep hearing things.
I dont think I'm done yet. But maybe God will make me a martyr for something. Maybe he will just take me back to remind my Loved ones not to take things for granted. Maybe it will be to remind me not to take life for granted. Maybe if I dont figure out what He wants and do it soon I will be taken because I failed. Because I missed my opportunity.
Lord guide me.
Bless me and make tomorrow a beautiful day.
Please dont tell me that this has all been in vain