When it's a battle of self, is there really a winner?
I don't even know what's going on in my own head most of the time these days. I'm pretty sure I'm happy, although at the same time, every day is kind of a blur. I do almost the same thing every day. Or at least every week. I almost live at Steven's house, since I'm here 5 days a week at least working on the new album and practicing. Then I go home for a couple days to my ACtual home. I miss Ciara when I'm not there, but when I am home I kind of just want to leave again. I don't like being at Stevens either though, so I don't know what is wrong with me. It's hard for me to be comfortable anywhere. Maybe that's why I fell in Love with touring the way I did. New city every night. Perfect for me. New people every night that I don't have to get intimate with, so I can stay at a comfortable emotional distance. Perfect for me. But it's still nice to have something to come home to and know it. Just like here. It's nice to know I have a home to go to with people who Love me.
I'm scared to death about the new album, yet at the same time I could care less. The same thing I'm scared of is the same thing I don't care about. People. Opinions. Accusations. Dissapointments. Praise. It all freaks me out really, but I think my natural rebellion just wants to say Fuck you to all of it. If I do shitty and people don't like it, then fuck them, I don't need the support of people who don't like me. If I do great and people Love it, then fuck them too, you should have known better. You should have believed in me. I'm never satisfied. I feel completely under-appreciated, yet praised too highly at the same time by others. The only people I don't feel like Fuck you to, is my friends, and I don't want them listening because I don't even want to know what they think. But yes, I really do. I am so back and forth it drives ME nuts. I can't decide on anything, whether I'm happy or restless or both. I can't decide on if I'm bitter or grateful or both. I think I am actually mentally ill. No joke.
Is it the same thing to want huge success and be scared of failure? I don't know if I can tell. I want to be famous, I know I do. And I really think I have the potential to make it happen. But I'm also scared shitless of failing that I don't even think about it as something that could realistically happen. But it's still there hanging over my shoulder. And I can't tell if my drive to succeed is exactly that, or just the fear of failure is my motivation. Could it be one in the same? Lord save me from myself. I get actual headaches thinking about stuff like that, and arguing with myself.
I'm also completely terrified of my own vanity. Do I want to be famous just so I know there are tons of people wishing they were me? Do I want to know that all the girls want to fuck me, and all the guys wish they were me? All the fat people thinking that if they were just skinny like me, they could be somebody? I loathe these thoughts. But am I like that? Is that me? Will it become me if I reach my goal? Maybe I'm just a big phony and can't wait to unleash my beast of a self. I have a constant battle raging in my heart. Vanity vs. Obsequiousness. Arrogance vs. Humbleness. I think that maybe if one wins out, I lose altogether. Maybe it creates the balance I need to handle life, and so that I'm not a complete asshole, and also not a recluse. Lord guide me.
One thing's for sure. I need to work harder. At everything. Lord let me be inspired. Lord give me the strength to endure. Lord give me passion. Lord give me courage. Lord give me health. Lord give me the means to survive.
I really wish my band was in good health right now. Lord let Matt's health return pronto! and Joey get your voice back. BUFF
We are barely on schedule. Let's do this.
I'm scared to death about the new album, yet at the same time I could care less. The same thing I'm scared of is the same thing I don't care about. People. Opinions. Accusations. Dissapointments. Praise. It all freaks me out really, but I think my natural rebellion just wants to say Fuck you to all of it. If I do shitty and people don't like it, then fuck them, I don't need the support of people who don't like me. If I do great and people Love it, then fuck them too, you should have known better. You should have believed in me. I'm never satisfied. I feel completely under-appreciated, yet praised too highly at the same time by others. The only people I don't feel like Fuck you to, is my friends, and I don't want them listening because I don't even want to know what they think. But yes, I really do. I am so back and forth it drives ME nuts. I can't decide on anything, whether I'm happy or restless or both. I can't decide on if I'm bitter or grateful or both. I think I am actually mentally ill. No joke.
Is it the same thing to want huge success and be scared of failure? I don't know if I can tell. I want to be famous, I know I do. And I really think I have the potential to make it happen. But I'm also scared shitless of failing that I don't even think about it as something that could realistically happen. But it's still there hanging over my shoulder. And I can't tell if my drive to succeed is exactly that, or just the fear of failure is my motivation. Could it be one in the same? Lord save me from myself. I get actual headaches thinking about stuff like that, and arguing with myself.
I'm also completely terrified of my own vanity. Do I want to be famous just so I know there are tons of people wishing they were me? Do I want to know that all the girls want to fuck me, and all the guys wish they were me? All the fat people thinking that if they were just skinny like me, they could be somebody? I loathe these thoughts. But am I like that? Is that me? Will it become me if I reach my goal? Maybe I'm just a big phony and can't wait to unleash my beast of a self. I have a constant battle raging in my heart. Vanity vs. Obsequiousness. Arrogance vs. Humbleness. I think that maybe if one wins out, I lose altogether. Maybe it creates the balance I need to handle life, and so that I'm not a complete asshole, and also not a recluse. Lord guide me.
One thing's for sure. I need to work harder. At everything. Lord let me be inspired. Lord give me the strength to endure. Lord give me passion. Lord give me courage. Lord give me health. Lord give me the means to survive.
I really wish my band was in good health right now. Lord let Matt's health return pronto! and Joey get your voice back. BUFF
We are barely on schedule. Let's do this.