(no subject)
I am feeling slightly uneasy. I couldn't sleep last night. Images of the shooting in the Toys R' Us I witnessed when I was thirteen were vividly flashing through my mind in true technicolor. Also just a general feeling that I am alone in the universe and no one likes me, this fallacy I can intellectually prove but try to tell that to the heart.
Spending the day with the Grandparents made me feel better. It is amazing, they are both ninety years old and are still sharp as tacks. Memories from ten, twenty, thirty, forty years ago just rush back to them and are recalled vividly. Wonderful stories about my Grandfather's first car, building a boat tow system in the backyard in Maine, and Grandmother smoking cigarettes on Mohegan. Grandfather told me that when he smoked cigarettes, they were one dollar for a carton, and a carton contained twelve packs. I can't even imagine.
I think some of the unease comes with nearing of my voyage home to Philadelphia. My father rambles on the phone with drunken profundity about how he doesn't want to see me "fuck up, again" and my Mother made lonely by divorce and the bottle, sees my return as the answer to her prayers. I love my Mom and my Dad, but they disturb me, there seems to be no desire to become better people, only to drink and wallow in self-pity. I love them I love them I love them, and I am no saint, but seeing the hurt hurts me. And I pray for the strenth for my psyche to make it through the Philly hiatus un-warped.
My grandparents bought me a car! Oh yeah, Alex has a whip baby! A gold, 2000, Saturn SL-1, 4-door sedan, leather seats, CD player, 13,000 miles. You gotta love it. Every time I get in I sigh with gratitude. Then I clench my teeth with paranoia seconds later when I turn the key in the ignition, hoping I hear no new ping or Blat or strange unhealthy car sound. But ahhh, once again relief as she purrs like a kitty.
I leave on Monday or Tuesday for the long drive up North and will stop and spend a couple days in North Carolina with my aunt followed by possibly spending the night in Virginia at Ken Woodward's farm.
Spending the day with the Grandparents made me feel better. It is amazing, they are both ninety years old and are still sharp as tacks. Memories from ten, twenty, thirty, forty years ago just rush back to them and are recalled vividly. Wonderful stories about my Grandfather's first car, building a boat tow system in the backyard in Maine, and Grandmother smoking cigarettes on Mohegan. Grandfather told me that when he smoked cigarettes, they were one dollar for a carton, and a carton contained twelve packs. I can't even imagine.
I think some of the unease comes with nearing of my voyage home to Philadelphia. My father rambles on the phone with drunken profundity about how he doesn't want to see me "fuck up, again" and my Mother made lonely by divorce and the bottle, sees my return as the answer to her prayers. I love my Mom and my Dad, but they disturb me, there seems to be no desire to become better people, only to drink and wallow in self-pity. I love them I love them I love them, and I am no saint, but seeing the hurt hurts me. And I pray for the strenth for my psyche to make it through the Philly hiatus un-warped.
My grandparents bought me a car! Oh yeah, Alex has a whip baby! A gold, 2000, Saturn SL-1, 4-door sedan, leather seats, CD player, 13,000 miles. You gotta love it. Every time I get in I sigh with gratitude. Then I clench my teeth with paranoia seconds later when I turn the key in the ignition, hoping I hear no new ping or Blat or strange unhealthy car sound. But ahhh, once again relief as she purrs like a kitty.
I leave on Monday or Tuesday for the long drive up North and will stop and spend a couple days in North Carolina with my aunt followed by possibly spending the night in Virginia at Ken Woodward's farm.