What Was Left Unsaid: Learn How To Swim
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Social Worker Robert, Angie. Friendship: Ashley, Craig, Ellie, and Sean.
Brief summary of this chapter: Joey and Craig are walking through the final steps of the adoption process. Naturally, it raises some questions about what a family or a home is as well as his troubled past.
23. Learn How To Swim
Joey actually had enjoyed his drive home from work. After spending the day with the summer sun beating down on him in the car lot, hitting the road in his car with the hood down was just what he needed. He pressed on the accelerator and reflected on how this was the most daring thing he’d done lately. Speeding tickets were the only risks he could take with two kids at home. He never would have imagined as a teen that he would be in his mid-thirties working hard to provide for a daughter and a teenager; the teenager part seemed to hit extra hard. He was reminded of his high school days when Craig’s friends would arrive with band instrument cases in hand and they sought refuge in the garage.
His band mates were stopping by more often lately and Craig actually seemed a little more like Craig again, Joey thought to himself as he pulled into the drive way. He was slowly taking interest in his garage band and photography again. Finally his friends seemed to show up with him and not just dropping in in some attempt to drag him out of the house. He could still see Craig’s troubled past in his eyes sometimes; the boy would stare back at him with a heavy and slightly vacant gaze. It was usually fairly fleeting however. His stepson was never the type to let him in. He hoped he was letting someone in.
It wasn’t going to be the social worker he figured, unless if that happened in their one on one chats. Joey took a deep breath and prayed that he would return home to see that Craig had remember his chores and dinner was in the oven. At the home visits, he could depend on Craig to give Robert the run around that school was fine and he was excited about the adoption because it would give him closure to his father’s death. Yeah, the kid knew what to say, pretty much to the point where it was obvious what he was doing. But did he know to pick up the mess that cluttered the living room on the average day and vacuum the floor?
The answer was no. Joey’s mouth dropped as he entered the house and was greeted with the usual chaos. “I’m home,” he managed to say. Keep it cool.
“Daddy!” Angie greeted and pranced down the stairs in shorts and a swimsuit.
Joey scooped her up, noticing the pool hair…and what was this? “Have you been eating Oreo cookies?” he questioned after giving her a quick hug and placing her on her feet.
Craig emerged from the kitchen and shrugged. “We got hungry after swimming at the pool.”
Joey sniffed at the air, “Good to know you remembered to put the meat loaf in for dinner. We’ve got the final home study visit tonight, Craig.”
“Oh you’re kidding me…we’re only a few weeks into my summer vacation. I wanted to go out tonight,” Craig sighed in return.
Joey paused to survey the living room. “I told you about this two nights ago. The date got bumped up. And you said you’d clean up the living room. We‘re supposed to be a team,” he said and moved towards the kitchen.
“I said I’d do the large chunks,” Craig replied and gathered an armful of toys to dump into the laundry basket in the living room closet that collected all of toys, books, and other random objects they failed to return to their rooms when Joey threatened guests. “Aren’t these visits with Robert supposed to be an accurate representation of what our household is like? Barbie always monopolizes the living room.”
“You didn’t do the dishes from lunch either!” Joey yelled from the kitchen. He ran a hand over his head and frantically looked around. Count to ten, take a deep breath…Craig wasn’t doing this to sabotage the adoption process. He was a teenager and all over the place. Normal. Nothing about this seemed normal though. He was new to parenthood with Angie and especially clueless when it came to Craig.
As he scrubbed at the pizza pan, he recited in his head what he was going to say to Craig’s social worker tonight. Robert made him nervous from day one, even though he was a nice guy. Maybe it was the forms he had to fill out when he petitioned to be Craig’s foster father. He felt like his parenting was being graded here.
“Joey, I’m sorry,” Craig sincerely said and put a box of cereal in the kitchen cupboard. “I didn’t like…really screw up did I? I mean…they wouldn’t just decide to send me somewhere else would they?”
“For not doing the dishes?” Joey joked. “It’s going to be fine.”
Joey watched as Craig’s posture tensed up and then he clenched his jaw. The kid was worried. This was a welcome change from the coolness he’d pick up when he tried to discuss the adoption with him. Craig refusing to address questions about the adoption process and acting like his dates with Ashley being broken was a huge inconvenience and the world might end because of it, well maybe his difficulty was an all an act. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it because it brought up some kind of conflict inside him. And what was Joey supposed to do about that? All the books he read on the subject didn’t seem to help when he was actually faced with the fact that he was about to become Craig’s permanent legal guardian.
“We’re this close to being home free,” Joey reassured. “And you are stuck with me for all eternity.”
“I don’t mean about messing up this but I mean…” Craig couldn’t meet Joey’s eyes. His stepfather didn’t realize how much of a screw up he was. There was so much he didn’t know; his plans later at Sean’s barely touched the surface. “They wouldn’t just take me from you would they?”
They both looked at the front door at the sound of the door bell. As Joey reached for the dish towel to dry his hands, Craig moved for the dishes in the sink. “I got it,” he said quickly.
“Thanks,” Joey said and started for the door. He briefly paused in the doorway to address his stepson‘s fears. “You don’t have to worry about it. Your staying here.”
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“Angie how about if you go upstairs and play with your dolls before bath time,” Joey encouraged after a glance from the social worker. It was that time of the visit where things got serious or filled with details about the adoption process that overwhelmed him and would bore his daughter. Craig never had a reaction; he sat on the couch composed and stiff like he was in the principal‘s office or church. Only when the questions got intense would he break out of this state and more often than not, they were relieved by his burst of emotion. This kid kept way too much in.
Craig longingly watched Angela race up the stairs. He wished he could get out of there too. He had a hunch that the questions about how he was feeling about the adoption were coming and if someone didn’t ask, their eyes would silently ask if he still thought about his father. And how was he supposed to touch on that? He didn’t even know how he felt about it. That almost seemed to vary with each day.
“How did the session go with Dr. Larson?” Robert asked as he set down a mug on the coffee table.
Joey glanced at Craig and recalled the hushed conversation they had in front of the medical building before entering Dr. Larson’s office. His stepson was adamant that this would be the one and only session. “I’ll go for you,” Craig had bitterly declared before climbing out of the passenger seat. This had made Joey’s gut ache some. While it was for all of them to adjust to their family, Joey thought that Craig needed it the most.
“We went for a session and talked about some of the reactions Craig might be having as a result of his father’s death and the pending adoption,” Joey decided on saying. He could remember the different emotions he’d seen flash over his stepson’s face when the shrink had tossed around phrases like ‘survivor’s guilt.’
“I don’t want to go back again,” Craig said and played with the fabric on the couch cushion. He had enough people trying to dig around in his head. Besides for Sauvé, there was his girlfriend the research junkie. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than his friends who seemed to always be watching. It wasn’t like they were literally staring at him but more that they were taking his words more seriously. He could just sense it sometimes. That made waves of paranoia wash over him. What were they thinking about him?
“We’re going to keep the option of more family counseling open,” Joey added, remembering the social worker’s constant reminders of how a support system was good for Craig. It didn’t seem like a bad plan since Craig seemed to be coming out of what he liked to think was a rocky patch. That was all it was. Craig would be fine.
“I mean, I don’t need anything like that. I’m happy here, really. I’d be crazy not to be. I mean, I can’t imagine living with total strangers like some foster kids do. Or…” Craig trailed off. He couldn’t imagine being like the runaways he’d seen on some big news station story. He was lucky. He’d be crazy and selfish not to feel lucky, Craig told himself and pushed the sadness that always seemed to exist deeper down. “I’m really lucky. Thanks for all this Joey.”
Joey affectionately rubbed Craig’s shoulder, “Your family. I wouldn’t have you anywhere else.”
“Yeah. This is where I need to be.”
“I agree with you. We want to keep you with family,” Robert reassured. “I just need to make sure that all the details have been ironed out before the court hearing.”
Joey felt the muscles in his neck tighten. When they had gone over the details before Joey had filed a petition to adopt, Craig had become rattled at some of the discussion.
“Change my name?” Craig asked, bewildered. He didn’t even have to consider that. “No.”
“We just had to ask,” Joey tried to explain. He wasn’t expecting any other reaction. It had to be at least a little bit awkward to be a teenager and be in this situation.
Joey had tried to talk to him afterward about it but stopped when he realized that Craig seemed to get the most comfort out of their every day routine. The kid wanted to be there, he reassured himself.
“The court hearing will be attended by myself, your attorney, as well as both of you. The finalization hearing typically lasts only thirty to sixty minutes. Besides for the standard identifying information that was addressed in your adoption petition, please expect to answer questions that describe why you would like to adopt and how your family will adjust,” Robert explained.
“And then that’s it? We don’t have to do these visits anymore?” Craig couldn’t help but ask. His smile faded when he saw Joey nervously glance over at him. “I mean…”
“Then that’s it,” Robert said, humored.
“Well, I guess I can thank my Dad for exiting the world the way he did. It put an end to all this,” Craig couldn’t help but bitterly utter. Then he quickly shifted his eyes away from the concerned expressions. Joey shouldn’t be as surprised as he looked, Craig thought to himself; he couldn’t help but make those comments from time to time. He didn‘t really have an explanation for it. “I’m sorry but I just want to move on from that. From him. He’s gone.”
“Craig we talked about this in therapy. I’m not trying to replace your dad. He’s still your dad. It’s still part of your history. You can’t ignore that.”
They didn’t understand that it was worth a shot to try, Craig thought to himself. He was tired of the therapy, the mood swings, and the never ending questions about why things had to go the way they did. “I know. I’m trying,” Craig got himself to say. This was a show, an act, keep up the sane routine, Craig silently encouraged himself. He was okay.
“It’s normal to have mixed feelings about this, Craig,” Robert reminded.
“I know. And I know you guys want me to talk about it but I just need time. To figure this out.”
“Have you thought about writing a letter to your father?” the social worker encouraged.
“Is this like homework? Am I going to have to recite it later?” Craig couldn’t help but snap. He was tired of all these little tools and tips people like Robert and Ms. Sauvé would suggest.
“Of course not. It’s for you. To try to get some closure.”
“Well, it sounds like homework. This blows. I’m already doing summer school because I failed geometry. Proofs are like logic in reverse. It makes no sense and it won’t ever make sense. I was hoping I could get a passing grade based on sympathy alone but apparently I’m that bad at math.”
“Math was my weakest subject too. How are the rest of your marks?”
Joey inhaled sharply. He was feeling that strange sensation that he was the one being graded here. If he was a good dad, Craig would have passed the course. “Craig’s always done exceptionally well in English and his art and music courses,” Joey stated, hoping to take the emphasis away from Craig’s whining about his summer course.
Craig glanced over at Joey. “Yeah, uh math and science are totally my worst subjects.”
Sometimes it came to him like a ghost. The reminder of his father floated in and took him back and away from where he was now. He was hardly aware of the chatter between his social worker and step father.
“…How’s science and math going for you?” his father had asked when they were trying to reconcile.
“Still not my best subjects,” Craig admitted.
“I’m here, if you ever need some help from your old science study partner.”
His emotions went up and down as the memories flowed in and out of him. He went back to family vacations when he was a kid, then forward some to a tense moment after his parents divorce when he forgot to do the dishes. That made him rub at his left arm some. It was strange how being grabbed, thrown around, and hit used to be the norm. Sometimes he wished he had more scars as a reminder because it was memories like this that seemed to shake and startle him when they popped up out of nowhere. He’d start to move away from them and then they were right back, sometimes so vivid that it made his body ache like it remembered the beatings too.
That was why he had to leave his dad’s, Craig reasoned. Because things were bad. But he was also supposed to keep his father alive. He failed at that.
“So uh, this letter thing. You think it will help?” he managed to pipe up, slowly coming back into the living room. Robert and Joey’s voices stop swirling around him and he felt Joey rub his shoulder again.
“Sometimes it has to hurt before you can start to heal,” Robert reassured.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for all that though. It’s kind of freaky,” Craig said, feeling honest for the first time that night.
“We’re not putting you on any sort of time line that says you have to stop grieving.”
Craig nodded, feeling some comfort in that. But at the same time, it would be nice to have some guide. He had no idea where he was going and when the thoughts and feelings would stop cycling.
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“What the hell are you doing?” Sean exclaimed as he watched Craig start to climb the fence. A couple swift movements and the tall teenager was over and on the concrete.
“Um, Craig, the pool hours are 1 to 5,” Ellie sarcastically stated and nervously glanced around the dark park for observers.
“We do the same thing every night,” Craig griped and started to pull at the laces of his converse sneakers. “I want to do something new. Something fun.”
“Are you…” Ashley sighed. “How much have you had to drink tonight?”
“Night swimming deserves a quiet night,“ Craig softly sang and pulled off his shirt. “I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago. The fear of getting caught.”
“If I get caught, I’m blaming you,” Sean snapped and started to pull himself up over the fence. It would be worth it if they could get the girls to join in.
“That’s fine. I’m in court in a few weeks anyway,” Craig replied as he stepped out of his pants.
“Whoa, whoa…” Ellie complained and put a hand over her eyes. “Can you stay in your boxers please?”
Craig smirked at his friend and then shifted his gaze over to Ashley. “Come on. The temperature has barely dropped since sunset. I’m dying.”
“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” Ashley stated and nervously glanced around. The trees did a decent job of concealing them and the playground equipment and sprawling green lawn kept the neighbors at a distance. They wouldn’t hear them splashing in the water. She started to follow Ellie up and over the fence and in that moment noticed that the alcohol was catching up to her.
“Easy there, Ash,” Ellie said and steadied her friend. Then she shifted her eyes to her boyfriend that was disrobing down to his boxers in front of her. She had never been the type of girl to decide what her type was but in this moment decided one of the criteria was arms.
“Come on,” Craig encouraged and dropped into the shallow end of the pool. His body tensed up at the cool water. “Oh wow, that was sobering.”
“It’s that cold?” Sean said and froze in mid jump.
“It feels good. After spending the day at the car lot with the sun beating down on me and then at your place with no AC, this is what I need,” Craig replied before ducking under the water. He swam towards the deeper end before circling back. When he emerged to the surface, he was greeted with the pleasant sight of Ashley and Ellie stripped down to their panties and tank top.
“I’m not taking anything else off,” Ashley proclaimed as she eased herself into the water.
“Won’t it be annoying putting dry clothes over your wet ones?”
“Nice try.”
“This has been my best idea so far,” he proclaimed with a glimmer in his eyes. He’d been craving something like this. Something that moved them along just a little bit faster, something that made them feel more alive. He lunged at his girlfriend, pulling her under the water with him. In this moment nothing else matter. It didn’t matter if he pushed things too far and they got caught. Half the time he felt dead inside or felt rage surge through his veins. This energy made him feel alive and infinite. It was moments like this that should last forever.
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“You’re crazy,” Ashley said to Craig once they were alone. Sean had reassured that he would pop back in later after walking Ellie home to confirm that neither had been arrested and now the pair sat at the pools edge, fully dressed besides for their shoes.
“I’m not crazy!” Craig argued jokingly and dangled his feet over the edge of the diving board.
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t know. I just felt like I had to let off some steam or something. Social worker came over tonight and that’s always annoying. I hate talking about stuff and it just goes on and on until I’m totally numb.”
Ashley shrugged. “It’s just like procedure right?”
“Yeah…procedure. I’m tired of procedures and meetings and all these people that want to know how I feel. I don’t really feel anything. But I know what to say. I know what they want to hear back so they know I’m like normal or whatever.”
“And what’s really going on? What’s the truth?”
It was his turn to shrug now. He had to take another sip of hard liquor to even open his mouth. He used to be able to talk to this girl. They used to have long conversations on the phone or in the park by her house after they both snuck out. Those conversations used to seemed to lighten the load. Now he had to do this. What was he doing? What was going on with him? “Would it sound insane if I said I didn’t know?”
“I don’t think so. No one is telling you to feel a certain way.”
“Oh now you sound like them.”
Ashley ran her hand along the rough surface of the diving board. “I just think that people should get to have different reactions to things,” she said to try to fix the situation. Craig’s moods had been switching on and off and jumping all over the place lately. It was almost hard to believe he wasn’t aware.
He was quiet for a moment, not looking at her. “I should just feel grateful that I have Joey in my life. “
“Hey, it took me awhile to get used to my Dad and Chris. I didn’t appreciate that for awhile. I didn’t want this huge complicated family. I just wanted things to be how they were before. A part of me wanted it back the way it was when my parents were together. They weren’t happy, it wasn’t good,” Ashley paused to look into his eyes, curious if he knew she was silently comparing it to his complicated relationship with his father. “But even when it was bad with fighting and I didn’t know what I’d come home to, it was still home. There was almost something comfortable in that. It was just the way it was.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Craig agreed and felt a little bit of relief as he thought about how awkward it was when he first moved in with Joey and how even after time had passed, he wanted to go home to his dad. The thoughts were swelling up again and it was moments like those that words just slipped out of his mouth. “Home is such a weird idea. Like sometimes I just randomly think I want to go home and I don’t know where that is.”
Something about Craig saying that seemed familiar to Ashley. She wasn’t sure if she had read it in a book or heard it said before. Something about that feeling was universal. “I think that’s just the feeling of wanting to belong. And you do belong someplace because we all want you here.”
“See now it’s just full circle again. Joey wants me there…I guess,” Craig had to add on. He wasn’t sure he’d ever shake the feeling that Joey felt like he had some obligation to him because of his mom. “And I should just feel grateful. Not everyone has a guy like Joey around to do what he’s done for me. But…I don’t know. I just have all this crap circling around in my head all the time. It’s almost like I’m all these different people because I have all these different pasts and in a way I was a different person then. It just all doesn’t add up inside me. That doesn’t make sense does it?”
“Kind of. You mean like different identities?” Ashley questioned. She couldn’t quite meet him all the way on his reasoning. She knew what it was like to want to have a clear idea of who you were and maybe that was why she was always struggling to a certain style or voice. She didn’t really know who she was either. But that was different from what her boyfriend was talking about. Maybe with all these different experiences you did sort of lose your sense of self, especially when it was traumatic experiences that weren’t safe to keep in your head all the time.
“Sort of. I mean you didn’t really know who I was when I was with my dad. Or even what I was like when my parents were together; my dad wasn’t always the asshole you know. I don’t think Joey believes me when I tell him that. Thankfully we don’t talk about that too much.”
“I don’t think Joey thinks that. He just didn’t know the guy really.”
Craig stared out, his eyes moving along the water’s surface. He couldn’t see the bottom of the pool. “My dad was the one who taught me how to swim.”
“I took swimming lessons at the public pool. My mom’s idea,” Ashley replied and recalled the cluster of kids splashing. All the action in the pool had unnerved her but her mother had maintained that all kids should know how to swim.
“We used to go on a lot of family vacations…my Mom, my Dad, and I. So…swimming pools and he taught me. It’s actually kind of a good memory,” Craig paused. Sometimes he didn’t know to process those good memories. They just confused him. Sometimes it was easier to remember his father as the monster who would beat down doors and throw his fists at walls. “You know that one music score from Jaws? Right before the shark attacks? That bom bomp, bom bomp, bom bomp that speeds up when the attack is near? He used to do that in the pool. I mean I guess it wasn’t that scary…but I just remember being on edge. He’d sing that song and swim up to me.”
“Pools are kind of scary for little kids,” Ashley chose to say. Sometimes it was too easy to remember Craig’s father as the abusive guy who offed himself. She knew it wasn’t that easy for Craig. “I was one of the kids who were scared to go near the deep end. The pool drain scared me. I think I thought I’d get sucked into it.”
Craig laughed a little. “I remember thinking something like that too. But I loved to swim deep. It used to be so hard to get to the bottom of the deep end. Sometimes I used to throw things down there so I’d have to go down and get them.”
Ashley shook her head. “I’ve never been able to hold my breath that long.”
“It takes practice. I used to spend so much time practicing. Even in the bathtub. I think I thought that holding my breath was something I needed to do to survive. I don’t know if I thought I’d end up drowning or what so I had to be prepared,” he replied and suddenly realized that he probably always thought that he wouldn’t live a long life.
“Kids have weird fears. I used to sleep a certain way at night. I’d never sleep with my back to the door and I’d always have pillows or stuffed animals around me to protect me.”
“Awww you sound like a sweet little kid,” Craig said with a grin. “Why have I never seen baby photos?”
Ashley glanced at her watch. “This sounds like a good opportunity to say that I should probably head home.”
“Ten more minutes.”
“In a few hours the sun will be up and the internship will be waiting. I gotta go. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten caught yet. You know how my mom is,” Ashley said. She watched as Craig tucked a flask into his back pocket. “Joey’s never busted you?”
“Nah. I know how much to drink lately so I don’t wander into the house blitzed. I’m sure he knows there’s beer at Sean’s. But you know, Joey is more of the friend dad…step dad…person. He only cracks down now and then, especially when we know the social worker is coming around.”
“I could use one of those. We are going into our junior year and my parents are already all over me about which university I’m going to choose.”
“So that’s why we should come back here tomorrow night…for the rest of the summer,” Craig encouraged.
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The dark night sky and muggy summer air felt heavy like a blanket over him as he floated on his back in the water. It was quiet with his ears under the water, muffling out the sounds of his friends talking to each other. He felt weightless, floating there. Craig remembered how scared he was the first time he’d attempted to float. His father had reassured him that he wouldn’t let him sink and kept his hands firm under him.
But he wasn’t there anymore, Craig thought to himself as he rolled over and dipped under the water. He swam several long strokes towards the pool ladder. He pulled himself out of the water and started towards the diving board.
“What are you doing? Craig, don’t. We haven’t gotten caught yet but if you dive in, someone could hear that for sure,” Sean reminded.
“Fine,” Craig agreed and barely shifted his walking pace as he headed towards the shallow end.
“What are you…” Ashley didn’t get to finish. Her mouth remained open as she watched him stop on the no diving reminder painted on the concrete and lunged forward into the water head first. “Craig!”
They waited motionless for him to emerge to the surface. It would be like him to swim closer to them and then pop up. It was moments like this that confused time; they seemed to defy the laws of nature and move slower than usual but when the outcome happened, it seemed to come much too quickly. Craig’s dark hair bobbed on the surface of the water first, then his back.
“Oh my God. What did you do?” Ashley questioned and they began to move towards their friend that was floating face down. She wasn’t sure if the shock was slowing her down or if it was the water resisting her. Sean got to him first, pulling him over and towards the edge of the pool.
“Craig. Craig,” Sean repeated again and again as he looked for signs of blood. The guy had to have cracked his head open on the bottom of the pool. Nothing. “Craig,” Sean frantically said again and watched as his friend’s eyelids fluttered.
“Sean Cameron you’re my hero,” Craig said in a tone that mimicked the scene between the two teenage boys in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He steadied himself as he felt Sean release him and move away from him.
“You could have hit your head!” Ashley finally managed to spit out.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Sean snapped and moved in to give Craig a strong shove.
“It was a joke,” Craig tried to explain with a smile still on his face. He gave Sean a playful shove back and was surprised when his friend pushed back harder now. Craig felt the sensation of the water parting as he flew back against the edge of the pool and scraped his shoulder blade on the concrete. “Hey!”
“It wasn’t funny. Not even a little,” Sean snapped back. He saw the emotion shift in Craig’s eyes in that moment. His eyes glistened with amusement, which faded into confusion, and then he saw that Craig understood.
“I’m sorry, it was stupid,” Craig tried and watched as his friends retreated from the pool one by one. He stood still for a few moments and watched them hastily pull on their clothes. He noticed Ashley’s hands were shaking and he finally started to move and make his way out of the water. None of them would look at him. “I don’t even know why I did it.”
“I’m fucked up, what can I say? I was just thinking about him and…I don‘t know,” Craig exclaimed as he quickly pulled on his blue jeans. As he pulled his shirt over his head he heard the jangling of the metal fence as his friends climbed over. He didn’t bother with his shoes; he simply flung them over and climbed over in a rush. His friends were moving too quickly. They didn’t want to be around him at the moment he sullenly realized.
Craig hung back from the group, sometimes letting them pick up their pace so they would be nearly half a block ahead. He didn’t have to worry about missing a part of the conversation; no one was speaking. He paused under the street lamp when they turned the corner. His house was in the opposite direction and he watched as their figures grew darker and smaller as they headed down the street.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered again. Of course they’d be upset. Then to himself. “Why did I do that?”
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Ashley couldn’t close her eyes. She laid there in bed and stared up at the dark bedroom ceiling. She wondered if they all would even talk about this tomorrow. What would they say? She hated these moments where she felt she couldn’t relate to Craig. It was almost an ache of loss because she knew that sometimes he had to go to a place where she knew she couldn’t follow. All the internet websites and self-help books on suicide survivors and abuse victims could only take her so far. She wanted to be there but sometimes he was…gone.
She heard the hum of her phone as it vibrated and then looked over to see the flash of light as the front panel lit up. Craig Manning, the screen listed. She hated to admit that she hesitated and almost didn’t take the call. She didn’t know what to do to help him and at the moment the thought of him exhausted her. She clicked the phone on.
“Craig?” she whispered into the receiver.
“Can you come outside?”
“Craig?” Ashley questioned again and moved towards the window. She could barely see his silhouette by the back porch. “Are you okay?”
Both ends of the line were silent as she crept downstairs, showing the most hesitancy as she passed her mother and Jeff’s bedroom. They’d understand, she tried to reassure herself as she quietly unlocked the door and then led him into the living room, feeling like she was guiding a child. She sat down next to him on the couch, a space between them. As a girlfriend, she was used to sitting much closer to him but as she watched him shake she wasn’t sure she should move any closer.
“Are you cold?” Ashley asked as she reached for the blanket that was tossed over the edge of the couch.
“A little,” Craig mumbled in response as he felt it being draped over his shoulders. He pulled it tighter, hoping that would stop the tremors some. “I just do this shaking sometimes.”
Ashley tried not to be too obvious as she looked over him. He still had pool hair. It was dry, but tousled and it was obvious he had been pulling and pushing at a cluster of hair at the base of his forehead. She could practically see it. She had seen hints of internal struggle before although it was usually when they were arguing over something like the notes in a song or he was stressing about where to take his project in art class. She thought he had changed clothes after their late night swim but maybe he was still cold. Then he looked up and met her gaze and it happened again. She didn’t know him. Maybe it was that he would check himself out and he became this vessel. Maybe it was that he was haunted and this ghost…Craig…would replace the guy she’d see in school and on dates. But he definitely was a different person right now.
So she asked, “Are you upset?”
“I don’t know. I went home, changed, was just going to go to bed. But I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t sit still. I was going to go out the front door, like I do every night when I sneak out. But I heard Angie talking to Joey or talking in her sleep. She does that sometimes. Joey says I do too and that really freaks me out. I don’t know what I say,” Craig paused and clasped his hands tighter to try to get them to stop trembling. “So I went out the window. I couldn’t stay there. Couldn’t sit still. What kind of a person does that?”
Ashley slide herself under the blanket and closer to Craig, trying to warm him or let her presence be enough to shock him out of whatever this was. She gently touched his hand and noticed that he had warmed considerably since she had taken his hand and led him in. If he wasn’t cold, then what was he?
“I wish I could stop shaking,” Craig mumbled. He remembered shaking like this after beatings or the anticipation of one he knew he’d get because he failed a math test. He wasn’t sure if he’d had these moments after either one of his parents deaths (those events were always buried deep in the back of his mind) but he was sure it was likely. He hoped that Ashley never had to endure this kind of shaking.
It came to her suddenly. Maybe it was father’s day tucked in the back of his mind. The day had came and went for Ash. A phone call from her father and a slightly forced family dinner with Jeff. She had sulked the day before, feeling sort of pulled into different directions with her family dynamic. She had almost wanted to talk about it with her boyfriend. She wanted to mentioned her father’s engagement announcement and how as much as she said she was okay with it, she still felt overwhelmed and unsure. But she didn’t say anything, not to anyone, even to Craig. It was strange, Craig had only one father left (and he was of the Jeff variety) and she had three. She felt guilty in that moment and tucked any feelings deeper inside. He was sneaking glances over at her now and she could almost imagine him smelling it on her. He wanted her to speak. Say something.
“You were thinking about your dad tonight maybe? It was father’s day a week or so ago.”
He was a little caught off guard but not enough to resist giving a shrug in response. His father was always there. His father was almost like his shadow that reminded everyone of his past. He was the weight on his shoulders (he had always been that) or a ghost that moved around in the background of his life. He was always there but they were just trying to avoid him now. Craig hated the holidays of May and June: mother’s day and father’s day. Mother’s day had been easier with his father because they just ignored it. It didn’t exist during meals or the airing of some special themed TV sitcom. Mother’s day was something that didn’t apply to him. It was denied to him. Sometimes he felt the longing for it, the ache for it, especially at night. It never seemed to get easier. Especially this year, with Caitlin ducking out of the country a few weeks before his school year finished. His substitute mom wasn’t even around. Go figure that one out.
And father’s day? He was no where near ready to begin addressing that. He could see it in people’s eyes though. Ashley’s now and Joey’s that morning. His stepfather had silently questioned everything; ‘do you want to visit the cemetery,’ ‘do you want to talk,’ ‘what should I do.’ Joey was almost playing counselor instead of stepfather/father. Slash father? Is that how the thought of him now? Was he becoming that much to him? What would his dad say? The whole thing went in circles.
“I…I have to go,” Craig mumbled, getting to his feet. “I just think I have to keep moving right now.”
“Maybe we should call up Joey. He could come get you.”
“No. No…he might think that I’m doing this because I don’t want to be there. We are doing the whole adoption thing and I’m acting like this. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Stuff like this keeps happening and I don’t know why. I wake up the next morning and I don’t know why any of this happened.”
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And that’s how it was. Craig sneaked back into the house as silently as he had out and it was like the whole thing never happened. It was only mildly awkward when he’d met up with Ashley, Sean, and Ellie for pizza. He saw them shift uncomfortably when they first saw him and then the hesitation in their eyes melted into relief once he’d smile and start talking about the concert playing downtown this weekend. They knew he was still there. He wasn’t crazy and he hadn’t died.
Sometimes he felt like he was dying though. Or parts of him were, burning out one by one. When he found the print outs titled “online guide to adopting from foster care” he felt like he‘d been punched. Joey had been leaving him internet print outs on the adoption process for months so he wasn’t sure why it came as such big surprise when he came across it again, this time stuffed in between a notebook that held lyrics and a photography book. He barely skimmed over them, tucked them away, and when his step dad mentioned them he said he didn’t have any questions. The emails of website links were easier to deal with; he’d just delete them.
He stood there in his room, looking wildly around. What should he do? Why was he even asking himself this.
“Just ignore it,” he told himself as his eyes darted over the type.
Celebrations and Anniversaries: Anniversaries can also be very hard on kids. It is a reminder of the loss that they have suffered. There are many parents who see changes in their children near the anniversary of specific events in their lives.
Joey and Robert had asked him if he wanted a certain day as the adoption day. That is what they were calling it. So he had a birthday and an adoption day now. It was like he was two people; reborn into this family. But he still felt the old Craig, the one who used to take belt beatings and took an overdose of pills because he didn’t think he could take it, there. And that Craig was angry.
“Shut up,” Craig muttered to the thoughts in his head and went for the box in the closet. His mind tagged it as the emergency kit. In reality it was an empty box of photo paper that was marked as light sensitive. Inside it was razorblades, bandages, and pill bottles. As he yanked the box down from the shelf, he had to dodge the avalanche of sweatshirts and books. He sat down next to the mess and opened the box. Pick one.
“Today is full of surprises,” Craig muttered to himself as something caught his eye. The hand made book was familiar. He reached for it and opened it to a random page. His father and Angie next to his mother’s grave with himself collaged into the photo next to them. “The Perfect Family.“ He had almost forgotten about the photo manipulation he had slaved away at in the darkroom in his father’s basement.
“It’s really happening,” he said or thought. He couldn’t be sure anymore. All this felt surreal and for a brief moment he actually wondered if maybe this was some alternate universe or an extensive daydream and he was still at his father’s. His dad was still alive. No he didn’t want that. Of course he wanted that.
Craig unscrewed the cap on the pill bottle and dug in. He put a random white tablet in his mouth but didn’t swallow. His throat felt too tight and he fished the pill out of his mouth. What was going on? His chest ached and for a moment something seemed real. What was he doing here? Craig tossed the bottle back into the photo box and made sure it was hidden under a pile of clothes before going for his phone.
“Joey…can you come home?“ Craig whispered into the telephone receiver.
“Hey. Hey, what’s wrong buddy?” Joey asked, sensing the emotion in his stepson’s voice right away.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel right.”
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Joey found him in his room, sitting on the floor near his closet. When Craig first saw him, Joey noticed how Craig had anxiously rubbed at his knee caps. Then he had handed over the stack of papers. Joey was a little stunned. He had been trying to suggest that Craig could talk to him about the adoption for months now. The paper print outs of sites on adoption seemed the best way to leave the hint but every time Craig left it unmentioned.
“What’s up?” Joey asked as he sat down next to his stepson.
Craig nudged the scrapbook with his foot was it was better concealed under a pile of clothes. He glanced at Joey and saw that his gaze was on his movements. He wondered if his stepfather was aware of the book. He knew that he had seen the photos before; he had some of them on him that night when he overdosed and showed up on his stepfather’s doorstep looking for him to fix his messed up situation. It was strange how he used to follow Joey and Angela around and be so curious about their family. He wanted to be a part of that. ‘The perfect family’ was what he had carefully wrote above a collage of pictures. Now he had all that.
“I made this happen.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I needed to get out of there. I wanted out. I wanted him gone,” Craig said and shook his head. “And he knew that.”
“Hey…hey…buddy, this is that survivors guilt that the family therapist talked about. Remember? You are feeling angry and guilty because your father died and you survived. You are punishing yourself because you feel like you did something wrong,” Joey tried. He watched as Craig struggled with this information, fidgeting and sighing a little.
Joey continued to watch Craig. “You can talk to me.”
Sometimes it felt like his words had to be forcefully pulled out of him. He felt that sometimes with Sauvé and sometimes the purge of what he thought he’d never be able say put tears in his eyes. “There was things he said that night…”
“What did he say?”
The voice in his head was still whispering it - it’s all about Joey. Maybe his dad was right and this was true. Maybe he somehow made all this happen. Sometimes he tried to pin point the moment where he screwed up. He could have prevented the suicide. Sometimes the voices that encouraged this thinking became blurred. Was it really something his dad said or something that was cycling around in his head?
Craig glanced over at his stepdad. Joey seemed so warm; he remembered how that had startled him when he had first moved in. Joey wouldn‘t hate him for what he was about to say. “It wasn’t even just that night. He just…I had to pick between you two you know? And I did, I guess. I guess I picked you. And now he’s dead. And it’s my fault.”
Joey reached out for him, but pulled back when Craig shrunk away. This wasn’t the first time Craig had mentioned having to choose between them or he’d sensed it. “He’s my son,” Albert had said in the car lot years ago when the men had their confrontation. They were going to have this battle even with Albert in the grave. What could he say?
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose anyone. Your dad and I both know that you care about us both. I’m not making you choose.” Joey got a small glance in his direction with that.
“No one is asking you to forget about your dad,” he continued. “We can still talk about him and your mom. I know they are family. I don’t want to take any of that away from you.”
“But what about what I was reading…something about ending all contact with my extended family. I don’t want to do that.”
“That doesn’t happen in every case. I’m not doing this to take you away from your dad’s side,” Joey reassured. “It’s up to you who you want to see. I’ll let you see your family. We’ll keep in contact with them. We’re just doing this so you can feel like you belong here. Your stuck with me, kid. Through high school, college…when you have a family of your own.”
“There was something else,“ Craig said, taking the papers out of his stepfather’s hands and started to sift through them. “Why would they seal up my birth certificate? I mean…that’s like taking away a part of me.”
“I think it’s just procedure, Craig. A lot of adoptees are babies and it’s to protect the birth parents who want to be anonymous,” Joey responded and noted how Craig’s expression didn’t change. “I promise I’ll keep a copy of it. They recommend that in case you have troubles with getting a passport.”
Craig nodded. His heart was racing less now and his body felt less heavy. It was strange how before he felt he could barely move. It was one of the worst feelings he’d had and it only happened a few times. He never wanted to feel that again. “So what’s going to change?”
“Not much,” Joey said with a smile and rubbed Craig’s hand. “This is all just to make sure that you are permanently stuck with me.”
Joey watched as Craig’s posture relaxed some and he didn‘t shy away from him when he put his arm around him. When Craig seemed like any other kid it was hard to remember the therapists and social workers words on how he was a kid with abandonment issues and post-traumatic stress. In those moments words like that frightened and overwhelmed him. He didn’t think he could make things better for him. But in that moment, he thought maybe he could just by being here for his kid.
“I thought something was wrong with me,” Craig replied and strained to try to explain. How could he ever admit that he thought maybe all the pills and the secret sips of vodka were catching up to him?
“What would be wrong with you?” Joey asked with a warm smile.
“I don’t know,” Craig said and struggled to reply. So it wasn’t something he was doing to himself. It was something that had existed in him all along. “Sometimes it’s just so weird sometimes. Like I think of the things that have happened and it almost seems like they’ve happened to…people other than me but it‘s still me. Like there’s this division in me. Sometimes it’s hard to remember things. It’s like it’s happened to someone else.”
“You’ve had a lot happen to you in fifteen years.”
“Yeah,” Craig finally whispered back like he was using the silence to take a silent inventory in his head.
“I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me,” Joey said with a smile. Even though Craig had nearly given him a heart attack with that phone call and despite that he drove over with white knuckles, he was thankful for this moment. It meant Craig did trust him and would open up to him.
“Things have kinda been bothering me lately.”
“I could tell. I’m here for you, you know. If you ever want to talk.”
“I just…don’t want you to think I’m screwed up. Or crazy. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to you to think that I’m normal like them.”
“Craig, I’d think you were abnormal if you didn’t have reactions at all.”
He nodded slowly in response. “But it still really sucks…being angry at my dad one moment cause of what he did and then feeling guilty and everything else. I don’t know when it’s going to get better.”
“Want to tell me anymore about that?”
Craig thought of the night before. That was one bizarre reaction he had at the pool. He couldn’t explain that and he wasn’t even going to try. Craig gave a small rapid shake of his head and that gave into a long moment of silence. Joey felt Craig rock back and forth slightly and each time he would give the kid’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He didn’t know what all was going on but was thankful he was letting him in this much.
“Can I ask you something?” Craig asked, his voice still a little shaky and his breath caught in his throat.
“Ask away.”
“Are you doing this because of my mom? Like you feel like you have to adopt me…be nice to me…because of her?” Craig recalled how a part of him felt like some stray animal being taken in. This guy wouldn’t be around if his life wasn’t so out of control and he had no where else to go.
Joey took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a complicated thing. I know we didn’t become close until you moved in. But you have to believe me when I say that you are family. When I married your mom you became family.”
Joey noticed that when Craig would alternate his gaze over to him, it would stay longer now. “I mean it. You are family.”
“I think I’m okay now,” Craig said and shifted away from his stepfather. Joey was quick to nod in return. He knew that it was difficult for Craig to open up to him and he always sensed the teen felt some sort of embarrassment when the conversation was over.
“Alright, alright,” Joey warmly stated with a smile and stood up. “I know now you’ll ignore me for the rest of the night. But I’m not offended, don’t worry. It makes me feel like a father figure to my stepson that‘s too cool for the likes of me.”
“Hey, I’ll probably suck up to you later if I want to go out,” Craig replied with a small smile, feeling a little more like himself again.
“I’ll be downstairs when you want to praise my taste in music, kid.” Joey said and paused in the doorway. He knew what to say and he didn‘t think he couldn‘t ever say it often enough. “I will be here.”
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Authors Note: I did some googling on adoption but this may not be entirely accurate, especially since my results were for the US. I’m assuming it doesn’t vary too much, at least not in the details that are in this chapter.
Sorry for the semi-long hiatus. I kind of think of Craig’s school years in chunks of events so I like to take awhile to brainstorm things that could happen for this year. Angst ahead because I think Craig is one haunted guy. This is the year he is hospitalized but don’t expect it to be like the show’s timeline. Hopefully updates will be more regular. My chapters have been getting longer and longer as this story progresses, so that’s something to enjoy even if it’s not updated weekly or even monthly. But I don’t plan to give up this story anytime soon. I want to take him through his senior year to graduation. It just might take awhile. You might come back in a year or two and this story is still going. Well I hope not, but hey, it’s possible!
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Social Worker Robert, Angie. Friendship: Ashley, Craig, Ellie, and Sean.
Brief summary of this chapter: Joey and Craig are walking through the final steps of the adoption process. Naturally, it raises some questions about what a family or a home is as well as his troubled past.
23. Learn How To Swim
Joey actually had enjoyed his drive home from work. After spending the day with the summer sun beating down on him in the car lot, hitting the road in his car with the hood down was just what he needed. He pressed on the accelerator and reflected on how this was the most daring thing he’d done lately. Speeding tickets were the only risks he could take with two kids at home. He never would have imagined as a teen that he would be in his mid-thirties working hard to provide for a daughter and a teenager; the teenager part seemed to hit extra hard. He was reminded of his high school days when Craig’s friends would arrive with band instrument cases in hand and they sought refuge in the garage.
His band mates were stopping by more often lately and Craig actually seemed a little more like Craig again, Joey thought to himself as he pulled into the drive way. He was slowly taking interest in his garage band and photography again. Finally his friends seemed to show up with him and not just dropping in in some attempt to drag him out of the house. He could still see Craig’s troubled past in his eyes sometimes; the boy would stare back at him with a heavy and slightly vacant gaze. It was usually fairly fleeting however. His stepson was never the type to let him in. He hoped he was letting someone in.
It wasn’t going to be the social worker he figured, unless if that happened in their one on one chats. Joey took a deep breath and prayed that he would return home to see that Craig had remember his chores and dinner was in the oven. At the home visits, he could depend on Craig to give Robert the run around that school was fine and he was excited about the adoption because it would give him closure to his father’s death. Yeah, the kid knew what to say, pretty much to the point where it was obvious what he was doing. But did he know to pick up the mess that cluttered the living room on the average day and vacuum the floor?
The answer was no. Joey’s mouth dropped as he entered the house and was greeted with the usual chaos. “I’m home,” he managed to say. Keep it cool.
“Daddy!” Angie greeted and pranced down the stairs in shorts and a swimsuit.
Joey scooped her up, noticing the pool hair…and what was this? “Have you been eating Oreo cookies?” he questioned after giving her a quick hug and placing her on her feet.
Craig emerged from the kitchen and shrugged. “We got hungry after swimming at the pool.”
Joey sniffed at the air, “Good to know you remembered to put the meat loaf in for dinner. We’ve got the final home study visit tonight, Craig.”
“Oh you’re kidding me…we’re only a few weeks into my summer vacation. I wanted to go out tonight,” Craig sighed in return.
Joey paused to survey the living room. “I told you about this two nights ago. The date got bumped up. And you said you’d clean up the living room. We‘re supposed to be a team,” he said and moved towards the kitchen.
“I said I’d do the large chunks,” Craig replied and gathered an armful of toys to dump into the laundry basket in the living room closet that collected all of toys, books, and other random objects they failed to return to their rooms when Joey threatened guests. “Aren’t these visits with Robert supposed to be an accurate representation of what our household is like? Barbie always monopolizes the living room.”
“You didn’t do the dishes from lunch either!” Joey yelled from the kitchen. He ran a hand over his head and frantically looked around. Count to ten, take a deep breath…Craig wasn’t doing this to sabotage the adoption process. He was a teenager and all over the place. Normal. Nothing about this seemed normal though. He was new to parenthood with Angie and especially clueless when it came to Craig.
As he scrubbed at the pizza pan, he recited in his head what he was going to say to Craig’s social worker tonight. Robert made him nervous from day one, even though he was a nice guy. Maybe it was the forms he had to fill out when he petitioned to be Craig’s foster father. He felt like his parenting was being graded here.
“Joey, I’m sorry,” Craig sincerely said and put a box of cereal in the kitchen cupboard. “I didn’t like…really screw up did I? I mean…they wouldn’t just decide to send me somewhere else would they?”
“For not doing the dishes?” Joey joked. “It’s going to be fine.”
Joey watched as Craig’s posture tensed up and then he clenched his jaw. The kid was worried. This was a welcome change from the coolness he’d pick up when he tried to discuss the adoption with him. Craig refusing to address questions about the adoption process and acting like his dates with Ashley being broken was a huge inconvenience and the world might end because of it, well maybe his difficulty was an all an act. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it because it brought up some kind of conflict inside him. And what was Joey supposed to do about that? All the books he read on the subject didn’t seem to help when he was actually faced with the fact that he was about to become Craig’s permanent legal guardian.
“We’re this close to being home free,” Joey reassured. “And you are stuck with me for all eternity.”
“I don’t mean about messing up this but I mean…” Craig couldn’t meet Joey’s eyes. His stepfather didn’t realize how much of a screw up he was. There was so much he didn’t know; his plans later at Sean’s barely touched the surface. “They wouldn’t just take me from you would they?”
They both looked at the front door at the sound of the door bell. As Joey reached for the dish towel to dry his hands, Craig moved for the dishes in the sink. “I got it,” he said quickly.
“Thanks,” Joey said and started for the door. He briefly paused in the doorway to address his stepson‘s fears. “You don’t have to worry about it. Your staying here.”
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“Angie how about if you go upstairs and play with your dolls before bath time,” Joey encouraged after a glance from the social worker. It was that time of the visit where things got serious or filled with details about the adoption process that overwhelmed him and would bore his daughter. Craig never had a reaction; he sat on the couch composed and stiff like he was in the principal‘s office or church. Only when the questions got intense would he break out of this state and more often than not, they were relieved by his burst of emotion. This kid kept way too much in.
Craig longingly watched Angela race up the stairs. He wished he could get out of there too. He had a hunch that the questions about how he was feeling about the adoption were coming and if someone didn’t ask, their eyes would silently ask if he still thought about his father. And how was he supposed to touch on that? He didn’t even know how he felt about it. That almost seemed to vary with each day.
“How did the session go with Dr. Larson?” Robert asked as he set down a mug on the coffee table.
Joey glanced at Craig and recalled the hushed conversation they had in front of the medical building before entering Dr. Larson’s office. His stepson was adamant that this would be the one and only session. “I’ll go for you,” Craig had bitterly declared before climbing out of the passenger seat. This had made Joey’s gut ache some. While it was for all of them to adjust to their family, Joey thought that Craig needed it the most.
“We went for a session and talked about some of the reactions Craig might be having as a result of his father’s death and the pending adoption,” Joey decided on saying. He could remember the different emotions he’d seen flash over his stepson’s face when the shrink had tossed around phrases like ‘survivor’s guilt.’
“I don’t want to go back again,” Craig said and played with the fabric on the couch cushion. He had enough people trying to dig around in his head. Besides for Sauvé, there was his girlfriend the research junkie. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than his friends who seemed to always be watching. It wasn’t like they were literally staring at him but more that they were taking his words more seriously. He could just sense it sometimes. That made waves of paranoia wash over him. What were they thinking about him?
“We’re going to keep the option of more family counseling open,” Joey added, remembering the social worker’s constant reminders of how a support system was good for Craig. It didn’t seem like a bad plan since Craig seemed to be coming out of what he liked to think was a rocky patch. That was all it was. Craig would be fine.
“I mean, I don’t need anything like that. I’m happy here, really. I’d be crazy not to be. I mean, I can’t imagine living with total strangers like some foster kids do. Or…” Craig trailed off. He couldn’t imagine being like the runaways he’d seen on some big news station story. He was lucky. He’d be crazy and selfish not to feel lucky, Craig told himself and pushed the sadness that always seemed to exist deeper down. “I’m really lucky. Thanks for all this Joey.”
Joey affectionately rubbed Craig’s shoulder, “Your family. I wouldn’t have you anywhere else.”
“Yeah. This is where I need to be.”
“I agree with you. We want to keep you with family,” Robert reassured. “I just need to make sure that all the details have been ironed out before the court hearing.”
Joey felt the muscles in his neck tighten. When they had gone over the details before Joey had filed a petition to adopt, Craig had become rattled at some of the discussion.
“Change my name?” Craig asked, bewildered. He didn’t even have to consider that. “No.”
“We just had to ask,” Joey tried to explain. He wasn’t expecting any other reaction. It had to be at least a little bit awkward to be a teenager and be in this situation.
Joey had tried to talk to him afterward about it but stopped when he realized that Craig seemed to get the most comfort out of their every day routine. The kid wanted to be there, he reassured himself.
“The court hearing will be attended by myself, your attorney, as well as both of you. The finalization hearing typically lasts only thirty to sixty minutes. Besides for the standard identifying information that was addressed in your adoption petition, please expect to answer questions that describe why you would like to adopt and how your family will adjust,” Robert explained.
“And then that’s it? We don’t have to do these visits anymore?” Craig couldn’t help but ask. His smile faded when he saw Joey nervously glance over at him. “I mean…”
“Then that’s it,” Robert said, humored.
“Well, I guess I can thank my Dad for exiting the world the way he did. It put an end to all this,” Craig couldn’t help but bitterly utter. Then he quickly shifted his eyes away from the concerned expressions. Joey shouldn’t be as surprised as he looked, Craig thought to himself; he couldn’t help but make those comments from time to time. He didn‘t really have an explanation for it. “I’m sorry but I just want to move on from that. From him. He’s gone.”
“Craig we talked about this in therapy. I’m not trying to replace your dad. He’s still your dad. It’s still part of your history. You can’t ignore that.”
They didn’t understand that it was worth a shot to try, Craig thought to himself. He was tired of the therapy, the mood swings, and the never ending questions about why things had to go the way they did. “I know. I’m trying,” Craig got himself to say. This was a show, an act, keep up the sane routine, Craig silently encouraged himself. He was okay.
“It’s normal to have mixed feelings about this, Craig,” Robert reminded.
“I know. And I know you guys want me to talk about it but I just need time. To figure this out.”
“Have you thought about writing a letter to your father?” the social worker encouraged.
“Is this like homework? Am I going to have to recite it later?” Craig couldn’t help but snap. He was tired of all these little tools and tips people like Robert and Ms. Sauvé would suggest.
“Of course not. It’s for you. To try to get some closure.”
“Well, it sounds like homework. This blows. I’m already doing summer school because I failed geometry. Proofs are like logic in reverse. It makes no sense and it won’t ever make sense. I was hoping I could get a passing grade based on sympathy alone but apparently I’m that bad at math.”
“Math was my weakest subject too. How are the rest of your marks?”
Joey inhaled sharply. He was feeling that strange sensation that he was the one being graded here. If he was a good dad, Craig would have passed the course. “Craig’s always done exceptionally well in English and his art and music courses,” Joey stated, hoping to take the emphasis away from Craig’s whining about his summer course.
Craig glanced over at Joey. “Yeah, uh math and science are totally my worst subjects.”
Sometimes it came to him like a ghost. The reminder of his father floated in and took him back and away from where he was now. He was hardly aware of the chatter between his social worker and step father.
“…How’s science and math going for you?” his father had asked when they were trying to reconcile.
“Still not my best subjects,” Craig admitted.
“I’m here, if you ever need some help from your old science study partner.”
His emotions went up and down as the memories flowed in and out of him. He went back to family vacations when he was a kid, then forward some to a tense moment after his parents divorce when he forgot to do the dishes. That made him rub at his left arm some. It was strange how being grabbed, thrown around, and hit used to be the norm. Sometimes he wished he had more scars as a reminder because it was memories like this that seemed to shake and startle him when they popped up out of nowhere. He’d start to move away from them and then they were right back, sometimes so vivid that it made his body ache like it remembered the beatings too.
That was why he had to leave his dad’s, Craig reasoned. Because things were bad. But he was also supposed to keep his father alive. He failed at that.
“So uh, this letter thing. You think it will help?” he managed to pipe up, slowly coming back into the living room. Robert and Joey’s voices stop swirling around him and he felt Joey rub his shoulder again.
“Sometimes it has to hurt before you can start to heal,” Robert reassured.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for all that though. It’s kind of freaky,” Craig said, feeling honest for the first time that night.
“We’re not putting you on any sort of time line that says you have to stop grieving.”
Craig nodded, feeling some comfort in that. But at the same time, it would be nice to have some guide. He had no idea where he was going and when the thoughts and feelings would stop cycling.
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“What the hell are you doing?” Sean exclaimed as he watched Craig start to climb the fence. A couple swift movements and the tall teenager was over and on the concrete.
“Um, Craig, the pool hours are 1 to 5,” Ellie sarcastically stated and nervously glanced around the dark park for observers.
“We do the same thing every night,” Craig griped and started to pull at the laces of his converse sneakers. “I want to do something new. Something fun.”
“Are you…” Ashley sighed. “How much have you had to drink tonight?”
“Night swimming deserves a quiet night,“ Craig softly sang and pulled off his shirt. “I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago. The fear of getting caught.”
“If I get caught, I’m blaming you,” Sean snapped and started to pull himself up over the fence. It would be worth it if they could get the girls to join in.
“That’s fine. I’m in court in a few weeks anyway,” Craig replied as he stepped out of his pants.
“Whoa, whoa…” Ellie complained and put a hand over her eyes. “Can you stay in your boxers please?”
Craig smirked at his friend and then shifted his gaze over to Ashley. “Come on. The temperature has barely dropped since sunset. I’m dying.”
“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” Ashley stated and nervously glanced around. The trees did a decent job of concealing them and the playground equipment and sprawling green lawn kept the neighbors at a distance. They wouldn’t hear them splashing in the water. She started to follow Ellie up and over the fence and in that moment noticed that the alcohol was catching up to her.
“Easy there, Ash,” Ellie said and steadied her friend. Then she shifted her eyes to her boyfriend that was disrobing down to his boxers in front of her. She had never been the type of girl to decide what her type was but in this moment decided one of the criteria was arms.
“Come on,” Craig encouraged and dropped into the shallow end of the pool. His body tensed up at the cool water. “Oh wow, that was sobering.”
“It’s that cold?” Sean said and froze in mid jump.
“It feels good. After spending the day at the car lot with the sun beating down on me and then at your place with no AC, this is what I need,” Craig replied before ducking under the water. He swam towards the deeper end before circling back. When he emerged to the surface, he was greeted with the pleasant sight of Ashley and Ellie stripped down to their panties and tank top.
“I’m not taking anything else off,” Ashley proclaimed as she eased herself into the water.
“Won’t it be annoying putting dry clothes over your wet ones?”
“Nice try.”
“This has been my best idea so far,” he proclaimed with a glimmer in his eyes. He’d been craving something like this. Something that moved them along just a little bit faster, something that made them feel more alive. He lunged at his girlfriend, pulling her under the water with him. In this moment nothing else matter. It didn’t matter if he pushed things too far and they got caught. Half the time he felt dead inside or felt rage surge through his veins. This energy made him feel alive and infinite. It was moments like this that should last forever.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
“You’re crazy,” Ashley said to Craig once they were alone. Sean had reassured that he would pop back in later after walking Ellie home to confirm that neither had been arrested and now the pair sat at the pools edge, fully dressed besides for their shoes.
“I’m not crazy!” Craig argued jokingly and dangled his feet over the edge of the diving board.
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t know. I just felt like I had to let off some steam or something. Social worker came over tonight and that’s always annoying. I hate talking about stuff and it just goes on and on until I’m totally numb.”
Ashley shrugged. “It’s just like procedure right?”
“Yeah…procedure. I’m tired of procedures and meetings and all these people that want to know how I feel. I don’t really feel anything. But I know what to say. I know what they want to hear back so they know I’m like normal or whatever.”
“And what’s really going on? What’s the truth?”
It was his turn to shrug now. He had to take another sip of hard liquor to even open his mouth. He used to be able to talk to this girl. They used to have long conversations on the phone or in the park by her house after they both snuck out. Those conversations used to seemed to lighten the load. Now he had to do this. What was he doing? What was going on with him? “Would it sound insane if I said I didn’t know?”
“I don’t think so. No one is telling you to feel a certain way.”
“Oh now you sound like them.”
Ashley ran her hand along the rough surface of the diving board. “I just think that people should get to have different reactions to things,” she said to try to fix the situation. Craig’s moods had been switching on and off and jumping all over the place lately. It was almost hard to believe he wasn’t aware.
He was quiet for a moment, not looking at her. “I should just feel grateful that I have Joey in my life. “
“Hey, it took me awhile to get used to my Dad and Chris. I didn’t appreciate that for awhile. I didn’t want this huge complicated family. I just wanted things to be how they were before. A part of me wanted it back the way it was when my parents were together. They weren’t happy, it wasn’t good,” Ashley paused to look into his eyes, curious if he knew she was silently comparing it to his complicated relationship with his father. “But even when it was bad with fighting and I didn’t know what I’d come home to, it was still home. There was almost something comfortable in that. It was just the way it was.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Craig agreed and felt a little bit of relief as he thought about how awkward it was when he first moved in with Joey and how even after time had passed, he wanted to go home to his dad. The thoughts were swelling up again and it was moments like those that words just slipped out of his mouth. “Home is such a weird idea. Like sometimes I just randomly think I want to go home and I don’t know where that is.”
Something about Craig saying that seemed familiar to Ashley. She wasn’t sure if she had read it in a book or heard it said before. Something about that feeling was universal. “I think that’s just the feeling of wanting to belong. And you do belong someplace because we all want you here.”
“See now it’s just full circle again. Joey wants me there…I guess,” Craig had to add on. He wasn’t sure he’d ever shake the feeling that Joey felt like he had some obligation to him because of his mom. “And I should just feel grateful. Not everyone has a guy like Joey around to do what he’s done for me. But…I don’t know. I just have all this crap circling around in my head all the time. It’s almost like I’m all these different people because I have all these different pasts and in a way I was a different person then. It just all doesn’t add up inside me. That doesn’t make sense does it?”
“Kind of. You mean like different identities?” Ashley questioned. She couldn’t quite meet him all the way on his reasoning. She knew what it was like to want to have a clear idea of who you were and maybe that was why she was always struggling to a certain style or voice. She didn’t really know who she was either. But that was different from what her boyfriend was talking about. Maybe with all these different experiences you did sort of lose your sense of self, especially when it was traumatic experiences that weren’t safe to keep in your head all the time.
“Sort of. I mean you didn’t really know who I was when I was with my dad. Or even what I was like when my parents were together; my dad wasn’t always the asshole you know. I don’t think Joey believes me when I tell him that. Thankfully we don’t talk about that too much.”
“I don’t think Joey thinks that. He just didn’t know the guy really.”
Craig stared out, his eyes moving along the water’s surface. He couldn’t see the bottom of the pool. “My dad was the one who taught me how to swim.”
“I took swimming lessons at the public pool. My mom’s idea,” Ashley replied and recalled the cluster of kids splashing. All the action in the pool had unnerved her but her mother had maintained that all kids should know how to swim.
“We used to go on a lot of family vacations…my Mom, my Dad, and I. So…swimming pools and he taught me. It’s actually kind of a good memory,” Craig paused. Sometimes he didn’t know to process those good memories. They just confused him. Sometimes it was easier to remember his father as the monster who would beat down doors and throw his fists at walls. “You know that one music score from Jaws? Right before the shark attacks? That bom bomp, bom bomp, bom bomp that speeds up when the attack is near? He used to do that in the pool. I mean I guess it wasn’t that scary…but I just remember being on edge. He’d sing that song and swim up to me.”
“Pools are kind of scary for little kids,” Ashley chose to say. Sometimes it was too easy to remember Craig’s father as the abusive guy who offed himself. She knew it wasn’t that easy for Craig. “I was one of the kids who were scared to go near the deep end. The pool drain scared me. I think I thought I’d get sucked into it.”
Craig laughed a little. “I remember thinking something like that too. But I loved to swim deep. It used to be so hard to get to the bottom of the deep end. Sometimes I used to throw things down there so I’d have to go down and get them.”
Ashley shook her head. “I’ve never been able to hold my breath that long.”
“It takes practice. I used to spend so much time practicing. Even in the bathtub. I think I thought that holding my breath was something I needed to do to survive. I don’t know if I thought I’d end up drowning or what so I had to be prepared,” he replied and suddenly realized that he probably always thought that he wouldn’t live a long life.
“Kids have weird fears. I used to sleep a certain way at night. I’d never sleep with my back to the door and I’d always have pillows or stuffed animals around me to protect me.”
“Awww you sound like a sweet little kid,” Craig said with a grin. “Why have I never seen baby photos?”
Ashley glanced at her watch. “This sounds like a good opportunity to say that I should probably head home.”
“Ten more minutes.”
“In a few hours the sun will be up and the internship will be waiting. I gotta go. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten caught yet. You know how my mom is,” Ashley said. She watched as Craig tucked a flask into his back pocket. “Joey’s never busted you?”
“Nah. I know how much to drink lately so I don’t wander into the house blitzed. I’m sure he knows there’s beer at Sean’s. But you know, Joey is more of the friend dad…step dad…person. He only cracks down now and then, especially when we know the social worker is coming around.”
“I could use one of those. We are going into our junior year and my parents are already all over me about which university I’m going to choose.”
“So that’s why we should come back here tomorrow night…for the rest of the summer,” Craig encouraged.
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The dark night sky and muggy summer air felt heavy like a blanket over him as he floated on his back in the water. It was quiet with his ears under the water, muffling out the sounds of his friends talking to each other. He felt weightless, floating there. Craig remembered how scared he was the first time he’d attempted to float. His father had reassured him that he wouldn’t let him sink and kept his hands firm under him.
But he wasn’t there anymore, Craig thought to himself as he rolled over and dipped under the water. He swam several long strokes towards the pool ladder. He pulled himself out of the water and started towards the diving board.
“What are you doing? Craig, don’t. We haven’t gotten caught yet but if you dive in, someone could hear that for sure,” Sean reminded.
“Fine,” Craig agreed and barely shifted his walking pace as he headed towards the shallow end.
“What are you…” Ashley didn’t get to finish. Her mouth remained open as she watched him stop on the no diving reminder painted on the concrete and lunged forward into the water head first. “Craig!”
They waited motionless for him to emerge to the surface. It would be like him to swim closer to them and then pop up. It was moments like this that confused time; they seemed to defy the laws of nature and move slower than usual but when the outcome happened, it seemed to come much too quickly. Craig’s dark hair bobbed on the surface of the water first, then his back.
“Oh my God. What did you do?” Ashley questioned and they began to move towards their friend that was floating face down. She wasn’t sure if the shock was slowing her down or if it was the water resisting her. Sean got to him first, pulling him over and towards the edge of the pool.
“Craig. Craig,” Sean repeated again and again as he looked for signs of blood. The guy had to have cracked his head open on the bottom of the pool. Nothing. “Craig,” Sean frantically said again and watched as his friend’s eyelids fluttered.
“Sean Cameron you’re my hero,” Craig said in a tone that mimicked the scene between the two teenage boys in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He steadied himself as he felt Sean release him and move away from him.
“You could have hit your head!” Ashley finally managed to spit out.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Sean snapped and moved in to give Craig a strong shove.
“It was a joke,” Craig tried to explain with a smile still on his face. He gave Sean a playful shove back and was surprised when his friend pushed back harder now. Craig felt the sensation of the water parting as he flew back against the edge of the pool and scraped his shoulder blade on the concrete. “Hey!”
“It wasn’t funny. Not even a little,” Sean snapped back. He saw the emotion shift in Craig’s eyes in that moment. His eyes glistened with amusement, which faded into confusion, and then he saw that Craig understood.
“I’m sorry, it was stupid,” Craig tried and watched as his friends retreated from the pool one by one. He stood still for a few moments and watched them hastily pull on their clothes. He noticed Ashley’s hands were shaking and he finally started to move and make his way out of the water. None of them would look at him. “I don’t even know why I did it.”
“I’m fucked up, what can I say? I was just thinking about him and…I don‘t know,” Craig exclaimed as he quickly pulled on his blue jeans. As he pulled his shirt over his head he heard the jangling of the metal fence as his friends climbed over. He didn’t bother with his shoes; he simply flung them over and climbed over in a rush. His friends were moving too quickly. They didn’t want to be around him at the moment he sullenly realized.
Craig hung back from the group, sometimes letting them pick up their pace so they would be nearly half a block ahead. He didn’t have to worry about missing a part of the conversation; no one was speaking. He paused under the street lamp when they turned the corner. His house was in the opposite direction and he watched as their figures grew darker and smaller as they headed down the street.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered again. Of course they’d be upset. Then to himself. “Why did I do that?”
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Ashley couldn’t close her eyes. She laid there in bed and stared up at the dark bedroom ceiling. She wondered if they all would even talk about this tomorrow. What would they say? She hated these moments where she felt she couldn’t relate to Craig. It was almost an ache of loss because she knew that sometimes he had to go to a place where she knew she couldn’t follow. All the internet websites and self-help books on suicide survivors and abuse victims could only take her so far. She wanted to be there but sometimes he was…gone.
She heard the hum of her phone as it vibrated and then looked over to see the flash of light as the front panel lit up. Craig Manning, the screen listed. She hated to admit that she hesitated and almost didn’t take the call. She didn’t know what to do to help him and at the moment the thought of him exhausted her. She clicked the phone on.
“Craig?” she whispered into the receiver.
“Can you come outside?”
“Craig?” Ashley questioned again and moved towards the window. She could barely see his silhouette by the back porch. “Are you okay?”
Both ends of the line were silent as she crept downstairs, showing the most hesitancy as she passed her mother and Jeff’s bedroom. They’d understand, she tried to reassure herself as she quietly unlocked the door and then led him into the living room, feeling like she was guiding a child. She sat down next to him on the couch, a space between them. As a girlfriend, she was used to sitting much closer to him but as she watched him shake she wasn’t sure she should move any closer.
“Are you cold?” Ashley asked as she reached for the blanket that was tossed over the edge of the couch.
“A little,” Craig mumbled in response as he felt it being draped over his shoulders. He pulled it tighter, hoping that would stop the tremors some. “I just do this shaking sometimes.”
Ashley tried not to be too obvious as she looked over him. He still had pool hair. It was dry, but tousled and it was obvious he had been pulling and pushing at a cluster of hair at the base of his forehead. She could practically see it. She had seen hints of internal struggle before although it was usually when they were arguing over something like the notes in a song or he was stressing about where to take his project in art class. She thought he had changed clothes after their late night swim but maybe he was still cold. Then he looked up and met her gaze and it happened again. She didn’t know him. Maybe it was that he would check himself out and he became this vessel. Maybe it was that he was haunted and this ghost…Craig…would replace the guy she’d see in school and on dates. But he definitely was a different person right now.
So she asked, “Are you upset?”
“I don’t know. I went home, changed, was just going to go to bed. But I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t sit still. I was going to go out the front door, like I do every night when I sneak out. But I heard Angie talking to Joey or talking in her sleep. She does that sometimes. Joey says I do too and that really freaks me out. I don’t know what I say,” Craig paused and clasped his hands tighter to try to get them to stop trembling. “So I went out the window. I couldn’t stay there. Couldn’t sit still. What kind of a person does that?”
Ashley slide herself under the blanket and closer to Craig, trying to warm him or let her presence be enough to shock him out of whatever this was. She gently touched his hand and noticed that he had warmed considerably since she had taken his hand and led him in. If he wasn’t cold, then what was he?
“I wish I could stop shaking,” Craig mumbled. He remembered shaking like this after beatings or the anticipation of one he knew he’d get because he failed a math test. He wasn’t sure if he’d had these moments after either one of his parents deaths (those events were always buried deep in the back of his mind) but he was sure it was likely. He hoped that Ashley never had to endure this kind of shaking.
It came to her suddenly. Maybe it was father’s day tucked in the back of his mind. The day had came and went for Ash. A phone call from her father and a slightly forced family dinner with Jeff. She had sulked the day before, feeling sort of pulled into different directions with her family dynamic. She had almost wanted to talk about it with her boyfriend. She wanted to mentioned her father’s engagement announcement and how as much as she said she was okay with it, she still felt overwhelmed and unsure. But she didn’t say anything, not to anyone, even to Craig. It was strange, Craig had only one father left (and he was of the Jeff variety) and she had three. She felt guilty in that moment and tucked any feelings deeper inside. He was sneaking glances over at her now and she could almost imagine him smelling it on her. He wanted her to speak. Say something.
“You were thinking about your dad tonight maybe? It was father’s day a week or so ago.”
He was a little caught off guard but not enough to resist giving a shrug in response. His father was always there. His father was almost like his shadow that reminded everyone of his past. He was the weight on his shoulders (he had always been that) or a ghost that moved around in the background of his life. He was always there but they were just trying to avoid him now. Craig hated the holidays of May and June: mother’s day and father’s day. Mother’s day had been easier with his father because they just ignored it. It didn’t exist during meals or the airing of some special themed TV sitcom. Mother’s day was something that didn’t apply to him. It was denied to him. Sometimes he felt the longing for it, the ache for it, especially at night. It never seemed to get easier. Especially this year, with Caitlin ducking out of the country a few weeks before his school year finished. His substitute mom wasn’t even around. Go figure that one out.
And father’s day? He was no where near ready to begin addressing that. He could see it in people’s eyes though. Ashley’s now and Joey’s that morning. His stepfather had silently questioned everything; ‘do you want to visit the cemetery,’ ‘do you want to talk,’ ‘what should I do.’ Joey was almost playing counselor instead of stepfather/father. Slash father? Is that how the thought of him now? Was he becoming that much to him? What would his dad say? The whole thing went in circles.
“I…I have to go,” Craig mumbled, getting to his feet. “I just think I have to keep moving right now.”
“Maybe we should call up Joey. He could come get you.”
“No. No…he might think that I’m doing this because I don’t want to be there. We are doing the whole adoption thing and I’m acting like this. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Stuff like this keeps happening and I don’t know why. I wake up the next morning and I don’t know why any of this happened.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
And that’s how it was. Craig sneaked back into the house as silently as he had out and it was like the whole thing never happened. It was only mildly awkward when he’d met up with Ashley, Sean, and Ellie for pizza. He saw them shift uncomfortably when they first saw him and then the hesitation in their eyes melted into relief once he’d smile and start talking about the concert playing downtown this weekend. They knew he was still there. He wasn’t crazy and he hadn’t died.
Sometimes he felt like he was dying though. Or parts of him were, burning out one by one. When he found the print outs titled “online guide to adopting from foster care” he felt like he‘d been punched. Joey had been leaving him internet print outs on the adoption process for months so he wasn’t sure why it came as such big surprise when he came across it again, this time stuffed in between a notebook that held lyrics and a photography book. He barely skimmed over them, tucked them away, and when his step dad mentioned them he said he didn’t have any questions. The emails of website links were easier to deal with; he’d just delete them.
He stood there in his room, looking wildly around. What should he do? Why was he even asking himself this.
“Just ignore it,” he told himself as his eyes darted over the type.
Celebrations and Anniversaries: Anniversaries can also be very hard on kids. It is a reminder of the loss that they have suffered. There are many parents who see changes in their children near the anniversary of specific events in their lives.
Joey and Robert had asked him if he wanted a certain day as the adoption day. That is what they were calling it. So he had a birthday and an adoption day now. It was like he was two people; reborn into this family. But he still felt the old Craig, the one who used to take belt beatings and took an overdose of pills because he didn’t think he could take it, there. And that Craig was angry.
“Shut up,” Craig muttered to the thoughts in his head and went for the box in the closet. His mind tagged it as the emergency kit. In reality it was an empty box of photo paper that was marked as light sensitive. Inside it was razorblades, bandages, and pill bottles. As he yanked the box down from the shelf, he had to dodge the avalanche of sweatshirts and books. He sat down next to the mess and opened the box. Pick one.
“Today is full of surprises,” Craig muttered to himself as something caught his eye. The hand made book was familiar. He reached for it and opened it to a random page. His father and Angie next to his mother’s grave with himself collaged into the photo next to them. “The Perfect Family.“ He had almost forgotten about the photo manipulation he had slaved away at in the darkroom in his father’s basement.
“It’s really happening,” he said or thought. He couldn’t be sure anymore. All this felt surreal and for a brief moment he actually wondered if maybe this was some alternate universe or an extensive daydream and he was still at his father’s. His dad was still alive. No he didn’t want that. Of course he wanted that.
Craig unscrewed the cap on the pill bottle and dug in. He put a random white tablet in his mouth but didn’t swallow. His throat felt too tight and he fished the pill out of his mouth. What was going on? His chest ached and for a moment something seemed real. What was he doing here? Craig tossed the bottle back into the photo box and made sure it was hidden under a pile of clothes before going for his phone.
“Joey…can you come home?“ Craig whispered into the telephone receiver.
“Hey. Hey, what’s wrong buddy?” Joey asked, sensing the emotion in his stepson’s voice right away.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel right.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Joey found him in his room, sitting on the floor near his closet. When Craig first saw him, Joey noticed how Craig had anxiously rubbed at his knee caps. Then he had handed over the stack of papers. Joey was a little stunned. He had been trying to suggest that Craig could talk to him about the adoption for months now. The paper print outs of sites on adoption seemed the best way to leave the hint but every time Craig left it unmentioned.
“What’s up?” Joey asked as he sat down next to his stepson.
Craig nudged the scrapbook with his foot was it was better concealed under a pile of clothes. He glanced at Joey and saw that his gaze was on his movements. He wondered if his stepfather was aware of the book. He knew that he had seen the photos before; he had some of them on him that night when he overdosed and showed up on his stepfather’s doorstep looking for him to fix his messed up situation. It was strange how he used to follow Joey and Angela around and be so curious about their family. He wanted to be a part of that. ‘The perfect family’ was what he had carefully wrote above a collage of pictures. Now he had all that.
“I made this happen.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I needed to get out of there. I wanted out. I wanted him gone,” Craig said and shook his head. “And he knew that.”
“Hey…hey…buddy, this is that survivors guilt that the family therapist talked about. Remember? You are feeling angry and guilty because your father died and you survived. You are punishing yourself because you feel like you did something wrong,” Joey tried. He watched as Craig struggled with this information, fidgeting and sighing a little.
Joey continued to watch Craig. “You can talk to me.”
Sometimes it felt like his words had to be forcefully pulled out of him. He felt that sometimes with Sauvé and sometimes the purge of what he thought he’d never be able say put tears in his eyes. “There was things he said that night…”
“What did he say?”
The voice in his head was still whispering it - it’s all about Joey. Maybe his dad was right and this was true. Maybe he somehow made all this happen. Sometimes he tried to pin point the moment where he screwed up. He could have prevented the suicide. Sometimes the voices that encouraged this thinking became blurred. Was it really something his dad said or something that was cycling around in his head?
Craig glanced over at his stepdad. Joey seemed so warm; he remembered how that had startled him when he had first moved in. Joey wouldn‘t hate him for what he was about to say. “It wasn’t even just that night. He just…I had to pick between you two you know? And I did, I guess. I guess I picked you. And now he’s dead. And it’s my fault.”
Joey reached out for him, but pulled back when Craig shrunk away. This wasn’t the first time Craig had mentioned having to choose between them or he’d sensed it. “He’s my son,” Albert had said in the car lot years ago when the men had their confrontation. They were going to have this battle even with Albert in the grave. What could he say?
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose anyone. Your dad and I both know that you care about us both. I’m not making you choose.” Joey got a small glance in his direction with that.
“No one is asking you to forget about your dad,” he continued. “We can still talk about him and your mom. I know they are family. I don’t want to take any of that away from you.”
“But what about what I was reading…something about ending all contact with my extended family. I don’t want to do that.”
“That doesn’t happen in every case. I’m not doing this to take you away from your dad’s side,” Joey reassured. “It’s up to you who you want to see. I’ll let you see your family. We’ll keep in contact with them. We’re just doing this so you can feel like you belong here. Your stuck with me, kid. Through high school, college…when you have a family of your own.”
“There was something else,“ Craig said, taking the papers out of his stepfather’s hands and started to sift through them. “Why would they seal up my birth certificate? I mean…that’s like taking away a part of me.”
“I think it’s just procedure, Craig. A lot of adoptees are babies and it’s to protect the birth parents who want to be anonymous,” Joey responded and noted how Craig’s expression didn’t change. “I promise I’ll keep a copy of it. They recommend that in case you have troubles with getting a passport.”
Craig nodded. His heart was racing less now and his body felt less heavy. It was strange how before he felt he could barely move. It was one of the worst feelings he’d had and it only happened a few times. He never wanted to feel that again. “So what’s going to change?”
“Not much,” Joey said with a smile and rubbed Craig’s hand. “This is all just to make sure that you are permanently stuck with me.”
Joey watched as Craig’s posture relaxed some and he didn‘t shy away from him when he put his arm around him. When Craig seemed like any other kid it was hard to remember the therapists and social workers words on how he was a kid with abandonment issues and post-traumatic stress. In those moments words like that frightened and overwhelmed him. He didn’t think he could make things better for him. But in that moment, he thought maybe he could just by being here for his kid.
“I thought something was wrong with me,” Craig replied and strained to try to explain. How could he ever admit that he thought maybe all the pills and the secret sips of vodka were catching up to him?
“What would be wrong with you?” Joey asked with a warm smile.
“I don’t know,” Craig said and struggled to reply. So it wasn’t something he was doing to himself. It was something that had existed in him all along. “Sometimes it’s just so weird sometimes. Like I think of the things that have happened and it almost seems like they’ve happened to…people other than me but it‘s still me. Like there’s this division in me. Sometimes it’s hard to remember things. It’s like it’s happened to someone else.”
“You’ve had a lot happen to you in fifteen years.”
“Yeah,” Craig finally whispered back like he was using the silence to take a silent inventory in his head.
“I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me,” Joey said with a smile. Even though Craig had nearly given him a heart attack with that phone call and despite that he drove over with white knuckles, he was thankful for this moment. It meant Craig did trust him and would open up to him.
“Things have kinda been bothering me lately.”
“I could tell. I’m here for you, you know. If you ever want to talk.”
“I just…don’t want you to think I’m screwed up. Or crazy. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to you to think that I’m normal like them.”
“Craig, I’d think you were abnormal if you didn’t have reactions at all.”
He nodded slowly in response. “But it still really sucks…being angry at my dad one moment cause of what he did and then feeling guilty and everything else. I don’t know when it’s going to get better.”
“Want to tell me anymore about that?”
Craig thought of the night before. That was one bizarre reaction he had at the pool. He couldn’t explain that and he wasn’t even going to try. Craig gave a small rapid shake of his head and that gave into a long moment of silence. Joey felt Craig rock back and forth slightly and each time he would give the kid’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He didn’t know what all was going on but was thankful he was letting him in this much.
“Can I ask you something?” Craig asked, his voice still a little shaky and his breath caught in his throat.
“Ask away.”
“Are you doing this because of my mom? Like you feel like you have to adopt me…be nice to me…because of her?” Craig recalled how a part of him felt like some stray animal being taken in. This guy wouldn’t be around if his life wasn’t so out of control and he had no where else to go.
Joey took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a complicated thing. I know we didn’t become close until you moved in. But you have to believe me when I say that you are family. When I married your mom you became family.”
Joey noticed that when Craig would alternate his gaze over to him, it would stay longer now. “I mean it. You are family.”
“I think I’m okay now,” Craig said and shifted away from his stepfather. Joey was quick to nod in return. He knew that it was difficult for Craig to open up to him and he always sensed the teen felt some sort of embarrassment when the conversation was over.
“Alright, alright,” Joey warmly stated with a smile and stood up. “I know now you’ll ignore me for the rest of the night. But I’m not offended, don’t worry. It makes me feel like a father figure to my stepson that‘s too cool for the likes of me.”
“Hey, I’ll probably suck up to you later if I want to go out,” Craig replied with a small smile, feeling a little more like himself again.
“I’ll be downstairs when you want to praise my taste in music, kid.” Joey said and paused in the doorway. He knew what to say and he didn‘t think he couldn‘t ever say it often enough. “I will be here.”
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Authors Note: I did some googling on adoption but this may not be entirely accurate, especially since my results were for the US. I’m assuming it doesn’t vary too much, at least not in the details that are in this chapter.
Sorry for the semi-long hiatus. I kind of think of Craig’s school years in chunks of events so I like to take awhile to brainstorm things that could happen for this year. Angst ahead because I think Craig is one haunted guy. This is the year he is hospitalized but don’t expect it to be like the show’s timeline. Hopefully updates will be more regular. My chapters have been getting longer and longer as this story progresses, so that’s something to enjoy even if it’s not updated weekly or even monthly. But I don’t plan to give up this story anytime soon. I want to take him through his senior year to graduation. It just might take awhile. You might come back in a year or two and this story is still going. Well I hope not, but hey, it’s possible!