What Was Left Unsaid: Holiday
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Albert, Joey, Caitlin, Angie.
Brief summary of this chapter: The title is the only thing that I borrow from the Degrassi episode. There's no love triangle, but an unexpected event that I have never seen done in a Craig fan fic before. You ready for this roller coaster that is going to span out for a few chapters?
18. Holiday
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The Waiting
Craig’s gaze was fixed on the wall but he wasn’t seeing the shifting lights of the Christmas tree. The alternating red and green glow was the only illuminating light; he kept the rest of the living room lights off. Everyone was in bed but he couldn’t get himself to go to sleep. With his foot, he nudged a crumpled piece of wrapping paper on the floor. Craig felt like he was waiting for something. He wasn’t sure what. The Christmas holiday had come and gone so it wasn’t like when he was a kid and excited for the presents he’d receive on Christmas morning. No, it definitely wasn’t that. He didn’t expect much here. It was around the holidays that he was even more unsure of where he belonged. Joey urged him that he was part of the family. Sometimes he wondered if his stepfather was growing exasperated with his hesitancy to trust him and his family. They were trying, he knew that.
Craig was surprised when Joey’s mother reached out to embrace him. “Hope to see you soon, Craig,” she said warmly and rubbed small circles on his back.
“Yeah. That would be really great. Thank you for just…being so understanding. And being here. The gifts,” Craig managed to say and did mean it. But everything just seemed strange. Why couldn’t he get over this family hang up?
Joey’s father chose to pat him on the back and then rub his shoulder warmly, “No problem. You are part of the family.”
He knew that was all fake. They were warm towards him out of sympathy, not because they genuinely wanted him around. Joey had to have spilled the intimate details about his growing estrangement with his father. That was still boiling up, Craig could feel it. He could still feel it brewing and he didn’t think the past few phone conversations were the end of it. The last phone call had been particularly brutal.
“Craig, your dad is on the phone,” Caitlin said cautiously. She watched as Craig’s face fell. In that moment, he suddenly looked much younger. In those moments she could see the scared boy at home with Albert Manning. Then the look shifted and he looked like her comment wasn’t registering with him at all.
“I can tell him that you aren’t here,” she offered after a few moments of silence..
“No, it’s fine,” Craig managed to say and went for the phone. He took it from the kitchen table and headed for the stairs.
“Stay down here and talk, okay?” Caitlin requested.
Craig stopped dead and nodded. He felt like he was holding a 20 pound weight and not a small cordless phone. Things were crashing down again. He put the phone up to his face and said a quiet hello.
“I’m fine,” he answered coolly as he father asked how he was doing.
Caitlin watched him closely. Craig had no emotion on his face. He wasn’t saying anything.
“Okay, I guess,” she heard him say distantly and he then clicked off the phone. Caitlin approached him but he was quick to abandon the phone and sprint up the stairs.
“What happened?” Caitlin inquired as she pursued him.
“I need to be alone,” Craig muttered as he went into his bedroom. He pushed on his bedroom door, eager to shut Caitlin out. That was the last person he wanted to see right now. No, he couldn’t let her see him like this. He didn’t pay attention to the fact that he didn’t hear the door latch; right now he had other things on his mind. His first thought was to shut it all off with pills, with liquor. He went to his chest of drawers and started to dig around in his sock drawer. Then he stopped. That wouldn’t take away the itch, the burn. He was looking for something else. What just happened was his fault and he had to deal with that. He went straight for his desk and took out a razorblade.
“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Caitlin said as she entered his room without knocking or giving a warning. Her mouth dropped as she saw a razorblade in his hand. She froze for a moment, stunned by the reality of this situation. Prior to this moment, she’d just been the sounding board for Joey. She knew that Craig was troubled, but it hadn’t scared her until this point.
“Craig…” she started and watched him glance up at her with only mild interest. That only made her heart pound harder. He didn’t care that she was here; that’s how involved in his head he was.
“Don’t do this. Don’t let him do this to you.,” Caitlin encouraged as she kneeled down beside him.
“He said that I got what I wanted,” Craig mumbled.
Caitlin shook her head, “I don’t understand.” She had her hand on his now, ever so delicate. She wasn’t sure he could even feel it. But she hadn’t attempted to take the blade from him.
“He said I got what I wanted,” Craig repeated and rocked back and forth for a moment. “He said he’s giving up all parental rights. He said then he won’t be my father anymore.”
Caitlin’s first reaction was relief. It was probably in Craig’s best interest that his father cut off all ties. But the teenager wasn’t seeing it that way. It was an insult to him. She imagined that he felt abandoned and that his life was falling apart again. She was sure that no child ever wanted to truly be separated from their parent, even if there were bout of intense hatred for them.
“He might not have meant that,” Caitlin assured. “He might have been saying that to get a reaction from you. Or to hurt you maybe? You two just had a big blow out a few weeks ago right?”
“What if he does mean it?”
“I don’t know how easy it is to just give up your child,” Caitlin commented.
“It was easy for him! He just basically threw me away.”
“No, what I meant was I don’t know how easy it is legally.”
“People give up their kids for adoption all the time. What would I do if he just threw me away like that?”
“Craig, not much would change. You’d stay right here at Joey’s. Joey would most likely adopt you.”
“I don’t understand why Joey lets me stay here,” Craig thought out loud.
“Honey, can you give me the razorblade?” Caitlin had to ask. Craig still held the small blade between his thumb and forefinger. He was holding it too close to his wrist for Caitlin to tear her eyes from it.
Craig stared back at Caitlin, not sure if he could give up this small amount of power that he had. It was strange having her here at this moment, letting him into his world like this.
“When was the last time you cut?” Caitlin asked quietly.
“I can’t even remember,” Craig said. That wasn’t important. It might be important to some people but he needed this now and how many days, months, or years didn‘t matter. He needed to do something. He needed that release.
“Don’t lose all that. Just hand me the razorblade.”
“You don’t think that I’ll do it with you here? Because I will. Just let me.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I don’t care,” Craig honestly dismissed.
“Come on. Just give me the razorblade,” Caitlin soothed. She still had her hand on his.
Craig moved his wrist closer to the blade and felt his muscles tense up as he tried to resist. He glanced over at Caitlin briefly.
“Just give it to me and it’s over with,” she tried again. “Come on.”
“Don’t let him hurt you anymore than he has,” Caitlin said softly as she brought her other hand closer to the blade. Her fingertips laid lightly on his and she slowly made contact with the blade.
“You’ll tell Joey about this.”
“No. Not if you aren’t comfortable with that. I won’t keep it a secret from him if you cut yourself but if you don’t cut, there’s nothing to hide. He wouldn’t have to know anything.”
“You’re going to keep the razorblade from me,” Craig muttered, still not letting go.
“Just for tonight. Just until the urge to cut has gone away,” Caitlin said and watched him make eye contact with her. “It wouldn’t be a punishment. You don’t have to feel bad about it. It would just be to make things easier on you.”
She took the blade from him and soothed, “There you go, honey. It’s all over with.”
He didn’t think that Caitlin had kept her promise about keeping the incident a secret from Joey. He could feel their concern through the walls. He’d picked up on the tail ends of hushed conversations. Craig knew it was about him by their eyes. They looked slightly guilty, like they had been exchanging secrets. Or maybe they just knew it would make his stomach turn and he wouldn’t want to meet their eyes because he was terrified of what they really saw when they looked at him.
What did they see? He wasn’t sure what he saw, or what he thought of, when he thought of himself. They told him that there were many parts of him. He wasn’t just the kid with the troubled past with his father; he wasn’t just the kid who got hit. They saw the musician in him, the photographer, the son, the friend. He knew he was in pieces too but he didn’t think it was anything like that. There were all these things that had happened to him and they stayed with him. But it all felt fractured in a way. He couldn’t put the pieces together. He didn‘t dare tell people about those kinds of thoughts. He didn’t tell Ms. Sauvé about how sometimes it all got so intense that his body would go numb and he’d wonder if his bones were broken and that was why he couldn‘t move. He could practically imagine the jagged cracks in his bones, pushing at the surface of his skin like the a tree root trying to escape from the ground. It wasn’t natural. He could see at a glance that his limbs were distorted and disfigured from the injuries. But a second later it was gone and he could move again. He wasn’t physically broken, of course.
Craig felt a hand on his shoulder and quickly turned his head around. He’d gotten too lost in his mind again and forgot where he was.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Joey asked as he sat down on the couch next to his stepson.
“Oh. Sorry,” Craig apologized. Did he disturb his sleep? He was doing that weird worrying thing again. He’d been doing that since that fateful dinner with his father. He always felt so embarrassed about his jumpiness but couldn’t really help it.
“Craig, it’s okay. You can stay up if you want to. It’s your house too. Your holiday break.”
“I just couldn’t sleep,” Craig tried to explain. Why did he think that everything he did had to have a reason? This wasn’t something he had to fix. He didn’t do anything wrong. Did he? “Tonight was just really nice.”
“I’m glad you had a good time.”
“It’s so different with Caitlin,” Craig mumbled after a moment of silence.
“You mean with her living here? How are you adjusting to that?”
“No. That’s not what I mean really. I like her here all the time. It’s just…interesting how you are with her. And my mom too.”
“It’s not like I’m replacing your mom with Caitlin. I love your mother very much. I still do.”
“I’m not making sense, am I?”
“Just keep talking,” Joey encouraged. He was used to these late night conversations with Craig. He knew that was when he was most likely to open up. Maybe it was that Craig could go to sleep afterwards and the discussion seemed further from his stepson’s mind. Joey knew Craig hated to confide and let people in; that made him feel exposed.
“You aren’t…like my dad. I mean of course your aren‘t,” Craig said with a nervous smile. “Sometimes I just think about how he’d treat me and my mom and then I think about how you are. And it’s not the obvious things like hitting. It’s…well say if my dad had a Christmas party, it’s like everything would have to be perfect. And it’s just not like that here. You don’t care if Caitlin drops a dish on the floor. Or if she’s not at your side when you talk to someone. Sometimes I really felt like I was his employee or something,” Craig explained. He was sure he’d had this realization before. Why couldn’t it stick in his mind that Joey wasn’t like that?
Joey gave Craig a small smile, “I’m so happy that you feel comfortable. And loved, I hope.”
“Yeah.”
Joey rubbed Craig’s arm for a few moments, “You fit in pretty well with the Jeremiah clan.”
“I don’t know if I really belong here though,” Craig said and he could still here his father’s words in his head. …giving up all parental rights. I’m giving you what you wanted. That wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t. He wasn’t choosing Joey. He just wanted to feel like he was safe. Like he belonged somewhere.
“Can you talk to me?” Joey asked after watching Craig gaze across the room, obviously in thought.
“Just thinking about last year,” Craig said and shifted uncomfortably. “It’s weird how last year I didn’t want to be with my dad. And this year he doesn’t want to be with me.”
Joey wasn‘t sure what to say to that. His stepson‘s relationship with his father had to be going in circles in his mind almost constantly. He just wanted this kid to have a bit of a break. “Let’s think about this year. Aren’t you glad that my mom was here to help out in the kitchen and we didn’t have to throw out a turkey because Caitlin forgot to defrost it like she did with the Thanksgiving turkey?”
“For sure,” Craig agreed with a smile.
“Happy with your gifts?”
“Yeah. It was nice for your family to bring me something.”
“You are part of the family,” Joey said with a smile. He was beginning to think this sentence would never stick.
“What do they say about me?” Craig had to question. He was sure where this doubt was coming from.
“Um…I don’t know…that you are smart and talented. Obvious that you love Angie very much.”
“Are they okay that you didn’t get together with like your aunts and uncles or go to their house?” He worried maybe he was just an inconvenience.
“Absolutely. It’s been nice having a smaller get together here,” Joey said, sensing that Craig was feeling insecure about how he was adamant for keeping the stress level low for Craig and not inviting a large number of people over or encouraging a holiday get-together at a house Craig wasn’t familiar with.
Craig picked up on the strange feeling in the air. He was sure that Joey could feel that strange anticipation too, that was why the low-key holiday celebrations. That sensation that something was about to happen. He figured he thought he would snap; that had to be his stepfather’s worst fear so they were doing this dance around him. Be careful around Craig, watch his actions, and look out for signs of trouble. For about two weeks after the “incident” with his father, Craig was on edge. He felt trapped. Joey would pull him aside from time to time and tell him to cool down. This just confused him. When he was angry, they would know. He wasn’t that angry. He wasn’t swinging his fists. What was the problem?
Craig still couldn’t pin point it. Something was about to happen. Was he going to do something? He reassured Ms. Sauvé each session that he was fine. He was in control still, despite the falling out with his father. No, he wasn’t thinking about harming himself. And he really wasn’t. There were moments of course, they came on like waves; some were weak, some were stronger, and they were always present. But somehow his self destructiveness had become almost part of nature. Like it was always there. So he was learning how to manage it. There was no need for them to try to prepare themselves for his next big freak out. Craig didn’t think it was coming.
What were they waiting for?
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The Caution Sign
“Craig?” A familiar, but distant voice asked over the phone line.
“Dad?” Craig questioned.
“How have you been?”
“I’m okay,” Craig strained to reply and fidgeted some. His father’s voice sounded strange. He wasn’t sure if he had been crying or if he was tired. He wasn’t sure if his father was going to yell at him or tell him how much he missed him.
“I haven’t seen you in awhile.”
“Yeah. I thought that’s how you wanted it. You could have tried to get in contact with me over the holidays too, you know,” Craig said and just wanted to forget the holiday break. Returning to school yesterday had helped.
“I was just giving you what you wanted,” Albert said.
“I didn’t want that. You know I didn‘t want that,” Craig said and couldn’t help but feel frightened by the emptiness in his father’s voice. It almost didn’t sound like him. But then he felt the anger return. His father knew damn well that he had been expecting to return home at some point. But he just had to screw up again. Craig touched his cheek, the exact spot where he had been struck months earlier. He was not going to let that happen again.
“I know you think of Joey as your father. Your mother…”
Craig interrupted with, “I have to go right now. I can’t talk right now.”
He hastily hung up the phone and tried to breathe normally. His heart pounded. Craig couldn’t listen to the complaints about Joey or hear him compare him to his mother, the woman he assumed he sometimes hated the most. What did that say about how he felt about him? The phone rang again. Craig stood by it, staring.
“Get the phone, Craig!” Angie reminded from the couch.
Craig nodded and picked it up again. “Hello?”
“I need you right now, Craiggers,” Albert said in a low voice.
Craig cringed and replied, “I’m here.”
“No, I need you over right now.”
“Um, do you think that maybe we could do this tomorrow? I could have Joey call Robert and ask if I could see you. And we could visit tomorrow.”
“That’s too late,” Albert said. His son didn’t understand the gravity of his moment.
Craig’s forehead crunched up in confusion as he wondered what that meant. “Too late?”
“I really messed things up with you, I know.”
Craig felt the residue of anger melting away ever so slightly. He couldn’t find a thing to say however. He still felt the tug of hesitancy. They weren’t supposed to be in contact out of his social worker’s office.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” Albert said.
“I don’t know what to say right now,” Craig mumbled. He looked down at Angie, who was tugging on his sleeve.
“Can we have ice cream, Craig? Angie asked with a charming smile.
“Um…Angie, can you wait a second?” Craig asked, his voice shaking.
Angie nodded and stood by her brother, staring up at him with wide chestnut eyes.
“I’m here with Angie right now. Babysitting,” Craig explained into the phone receiver.
“That little girl looks so much like your mother. Whenever I saw her, I could have sworn she was a ghost,” Albert commented, his voice distant.
Craig’s stomach churned. For whatever reason he assumed his dad didn’t make that connection. He always figured he thought of him as the used car salesman’s daughter or his half sister. No relation to his dad, really. Except that one, through his mother Julia. Craig met Angie’s gaze. He could see that ghost too.
“Craig, can I have cereal if I can’t have ice cream?” Angie said with a smile and waved her stuffed animal at Craig adoringly.
“Okay, Ang. Cereal. Coming up. Go sit down at the table,” Craig managed to say and forced himself to prepare it. His hands were shaking so bad he was surprised that he could even pour the cereal and milk into the bowl without making a gigantic mess.
“Here you go, Miss Angie,” Craig cheerfully said to his half-sister as he presented a bowl of Fruit Loops. Don’t let her know that you’re falling apart, he reminded himself. He smiled and then stepped away from his sister, but stayed within sight of her.
“Dad, are you still there?” He asked.
“I’m here,” came a distant reply. “I understand why you killed yourself.”
Craig was breathless at those words. His father just said ‘killed yourself.’ “I wasn’t all there when I took those pills,” Craig replied.
“I understand. I mean, it’s been here before but I never really had a solid reason until now. Now I have a reason. I don’t have Julia. I don’t have you,” Albert said and saying it out loud made it more concrete. He had a concrete reason now. His accomplishments at work were pale in comparison to the family he once had.
“You have me,” Craig said, but his response was only heard by the dial tone. Craig clicked off the phone and put his head in his hands. He was trying not to lose all control and sob like a child. His father hadn’t directly said it but he could hear the desperation in his voice. Was his father serious? Maybe he hadn’t heard him correctly. It would be like him to say that to get him to come over to see him. That was all this was. It had to be.
Craig answered the phone on the first ring this time.
“Craig, I need you back,” was the first thing he heard.
“Okay. I’m here for you,” Craig said quickly. He wasn’t going to take any chances. He knew those moments, of wanting it all to just stop. He knew it because he was the crazy one, the unstable teenager who took handful of pills. And it hadn’t killed him yet. His father just needed him there and he’d be fine. He wasn’t the one who was supposed to do this.
“I bet you’ve wished me dead a million times. I remember overhearing you tell a friend that you hoped I would die in a car crash on the way to work.”
Craig shook his head, “I don’t remember that.” Of course he knew it was possible.
“You were only eleven at the time. Eleven and you hated me then. I wonder how early that hate started.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Come over. I’ll make things up to you,” Albert said in a soft voice that Craig wasn’t used to.
“I can’t come over right now,” Craig said, nearly choking on the words.
“Forget about Joey for a minute and think about me, Craig,” Albert demanded, the softness in his voice gone in an instant.
“It’s not about Joey. I can’t come over because I’m babysitting Angie right now. I can’t leave her alone.”
“I’d just be better off gone and out of your life. You hear that, that‘s the sound of the safety being released.”
“What? You have a gun?” Craig wildly questioned. Then he glanced over at Angie to see if she sensed his panic. Keep it together, he urged himself. “No. That’s not true. I want it to work this time. Please don’t do this to me.”
He only heard silence. He cringed and tried, “I’m sorry I left. I‘m sorry I got people involved.”
Craig listened to a click and then the dull buzzing of the dial tone. His body was stiff and numb. He stayed on the line until the operator’s mechanical voice came over the line, “If you’d like to make a call, hang up and try again.”
What if I don’t get to try again, he wondered.
“If you’d like to make a call, hang up and try again. If you need assistance, stay on the line.”
He turned off the phone, then clicked it back on, and dialed his father’s number. He felt relief wash over him as he heard his father’s voice.
“Dad, I can come over. Just give me a little while, please,” Craig said in a rush.
He paced a little once he heard the silence on the other line. He could still hear him breathing, slow and steady.
“Please don’t leave me,” Craig pleaded.
“Isn’t that what I said to you when you left my home, our home?” Albert retorted.
“I’m coming home again. I’ll come back tonight. Just…stay.”
“Okay,” Albert agreed, felt satisfied for a brief moment, and then hung up.
Craig hung up and chewed on his fingernail. He then called up Caitlin’s office at the news station. Caitlin wasn’t in. Craig knew that wasn’t a guarantee she was on her way home; she could be out researching a breaking storyline. He paused halfway through dialing Joey at the car dealership. He realized he had no idea what to say. He hung up the phone and gazed at Angie, who was perched over her dollhouse in the corner of the living room.
Maybe he could put her to bed and head over to his dad’s. He was sickened by the thought of leaving Angie alone, but his father was going to kill himself. His father or Angie. His father or Joey. Craig swallowed hard, his throat dry. Why not call the police? He knew the answer to that; he wouldn’t want that done to him. He would want his loved one there with him and talk him out of the temporary crisis. That was all this was. He wouldn’t know what to say to the police anyway. And if he didn’t mean it, the details about this could be released to their family, to his father’s co-workers. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t disrupt his father’s life again. He had to be careful about this. Besides he could fix it. He knew the fix.
Craig began to pace around the living room, occasionally going out to the kitchen to try to busy himself. It felt like hours when he heard the front door open and Angie’s delighted cry. He rushed to greet whoever it was.
“Caitlin,” Craig sighed with relief.
“I’m glad to see you too,” Caitlin said with a smile.
“Hey, uh…I have to run over to Marco’s for a bit,” Craig said. “I know it’s kind of late but I left my math book over there and I need it to do my assignment.”
Craig pulled on his coat and paused at the door for Caitlin’s permission.
“When were you at Marco’s to leave it there? Didn’t you need it in school today?” Caitlin questioned.
“Yeah. Uh, I don’t know.” Craig’s head throbbed. That made no sense. “Guess I didn’t need it till now.”
“Well, okay. Come right back.” Caitlin agreed after some hesitation.
“Yeah. To Ashley’s and back,” Craig reassured and headed down the walk.
“I thought you said you were going to Marco’s,” Caitlin called out.
“Yeah. Marco’s. Math book. See you in a few.”
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The Warning
“Dad?” Craig called out as he stepped into the darkened house.
He squinted around in the dark, waiting for his eyes to adjust. He wandered through the living room, glanced into his father’s darkened study, and then went back to the entry way. He gazed up the stairs. It looked even darker up there. Craig suddenly felt like a child who had awoken from a nightmare and was too terrified to open his eyes, let alone get up to race to his parents’ bed. He wasn’t sure what he were to find, but he didn’t think he wanted to go upstairs.
Light would make less surreal but for some odd reason, Craig didn’t feel like he had the right to turn on the lights. It wasn’t his house anymore. A part of him felt like an intruder and couldn’t help but assume if the neighbors saw suspicious activity, the police would be called. But deep down, he knew the real reason was probably that he didn’t want to disturb his already agitated father.
He turned to face the kitchen. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants as he looked around the dark room. He was barely able to make out the appliances. It felt so strange to be back. Craig nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized someone was sitting at the kitchen table.
“Dad?” Craig asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
How could he have overlooked him sitting right there? He was maybe five feet from the guy. Suddenly he realized that this was just like the day when he had come home to find his darkroom torn apart. His father looked the same way, hunched over the table some with his hands clutched tightly together. Craig took a few steps into the doorway connecting the entry way and the kitchen. He stood there, ever so cautious.
“Um, I’m going to turn on a light, okay?” Craig asked.
“Leave them off.”
Craig nodded right away. At least he got a reply. At least he knew he wasn’t dead. Craig squinted at the table. The wood finish was glimmering in the moonlight. The table was empty. He took a few steps closer to his father. His hands were empty. No gun. Maybe there never was one.
“Um, are you okay?”
“Are you going to stay? You are my son. You are MY son,” Albert slurred.
Craig squeezed his fists together. Great, now he’d been drinking. Fantastic. If the guy wasn’t out of it before, he definitely was now. “Yep. I’m staying.”
“You won’t stay for long.”
“I will,” Craig reassured.
“What did you tell Joey?” Albert said, snarling out the name of Craig’s stepfather.
“Um, nothing.”
“Oh great, Craig. Smart move. You always were the smart one. Now he’s going to call the cops on me.”
Craig flinched. “Why are you being mean to me?”
“Why are you being mean to me?” his father said in an imitating whine. “I’m being ‘mean’ to you because you always screw up.”
“Okay, I really don’t need this right now. I came over for you because you sounded desperate on the phone,” Craig said, feeling exasperated. He couldn’t handle his father’s mood swings right now. One moment he was desperate, then showing signs of remorseful, which gave back into that irritability he was so familiar seeing.
Craig nearly stopped breathing as he watched his father stand up and move over to him.
“So get out,” Albert growled as he passed by him and stumbled into the living room.
Craig paused at the front door but then followed his father into the living room. “I don’t want to leave.”
“Well that’s something new,” Albert said, spinning around. “You’ve always wanted to leave before. Even when you were just a little kid. You were always wanting to go see your mom and Joey. Joey. I wish that man would be gone from our lives. But death won’t even give us that. And then you up and leave me for the same man your mother did.”
“Well, I’m staying now,” Craig tried. He didn’t like this mood of his father’s. Something was different about it. There seemed to be less anger, more despair.
“I just can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand the lies and deception and death. And I’m tired of being alone.”
“I’m here. You aren’t alone.”
“You need to leave now.”
“But you wanted me here,” Craig protested.
“I did. But I know you won’t stay. You will go running off to school and call Joey from there, if you even stay until tomorrow morning,” Albert accused. His son was always looking for a reason to be around Joey and Angela. Perfect Family; that was what was scrawled across that scrapbook of the photos of the car salesman and his daughter. Albert had never felt more anger and jealousy than he had in that moment. Why didn’t Craig value him as much as he valued Joey and Angela? Why didn’t he look up to him, want him around?
“Please stop talking about Joey. He doesn’t have anything to do with us.”
“He has everything to do with us.”
“I can’t do this,” Craig honestly said. Things were so unreal here in the dark. Maybe he was asleep. He could have sworn he had dreamt of this before.
“I know you can’t. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m making it easier on you.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Go outside. You don’t want to see this.”
“What?”
“Just go home, Craig.” His father dismissed, waving his hand as he trudged towards his study.
“This is my home. And you are my dad,” Craig tried and followed a few steps forward. He was surprised that he found himself saying this, but he really couldn’t help it. He didn’t understand why he either had to be here or he had to be gone, why things had to be so final. Couldn’t he just be here in this moment and that proved something?
“You gave this up a long time ago.”
“I don’t understand what you want me to do! You constantly tell me it’s my fault; I screw up. And then you say it’s not me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!” Craig finally said and saw something in his father’s eyes.
“You are right,” Albert responded soberly. He contradicted himself because of whatever craziness or anger it was that burned inside him. And he had spread that onto his son; he knew he was making him into the same wild version of himself. His son was struggling because of him. He never meant for that to happen. Sometime during all of his efforts to keep things in order, to control them, he had lost control.
“Look, um,” Craig started. He pressed his fingers against his lips for a moment and wasn’t sure if he should say it. “Let’s just call up…”
Albert gave Craig a sharp look and that was response enough. His son didn’t finish.
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to fix this!” Craig finally said. He didn’t know what kind of comfort he could offer.
“Craig, it’s not about you!” He was starting to realize that all of his actions proved tonight that he couldn’t change, ever. He hadn’t struck his son but he was playing the same head game of shame and blame. It was just like Craig had said during their fateful last meeting, things won’t change ever.
“I don’t understand! It’s always been about me and my mistakes,” Craig responded. His head throbbed with confusion.
“What’s about to happen has nothing to do with you. I just want you to understand that.”
“I don’t understand any of this!” Craig said, his voice shaking. “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do.”
The study light flicked on, but it didn’t aid Craig any as he could barely see through his tears in his eyes. He felt arms around him now.
“You’ll be fine. You are nothing like me. You know that right?” Albert soothed with a heavy heart.
“I don’t understand any of this,” Craig repeated as he choked back a sob.
“You’ll be fine. I think this is for the best. Just head up to bed okay?” Albert said and gently touched Craig’s cheek, the same cheek he had struck months earlier. He watched his son’s eyes dart around the room.
“Things are going to be okay now right?” Craig questioned, half weary and half hopeful. He still wasn’t sure he was here. He was always having crazy dreams. This was one of them.
“You will be fine,” Albert said, choosing his words carefully. But he meant it. He knew his son was bright and talented. He would be fine. That was something he did have faith in. He had hope for his son. There was hope, but not for himself.
“So if I stay, I can help you. You don’t…just don’t talk like the way you were before,” Craig rambled without thinking. “I want to stay.”
Albert smoothed his son’s hair and then spoke, “Alright. You can stay. Go upstairs, okay? Go up to your room.”
“Why can’t we stay down here?”
“You look tired. Don’t you want to go to bed?”
Craig’s eyes darted around the room as he wondered what the right thing was to do. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Just go up to your bedroom and stay there okay? Don’t come downstairs.”
Craig wanted to believe things were okay now. He nodded.
“You will be okay. I know you will be,” Albert said and gave Craig a firm embrace.
Craig nodded again and then he felt his father lightly kiss his forehead.
“Just go upstairs,” Albert urged.
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The Event
Craig sat on the edge of his bed and rocked back and forth. His stomach ache had since worsened. He bit down on his lip and tried to push away any bad memories. He couldn’t have the memories now. He had to take care of his dad. His hands were still shaking. He began to scratch at his wrist, looking to feel pain. If he could feel physical pain maybe this was real. He couldn’t be sure if it was.
“Oh my God,” he whispered as the sound of things being thrown started again.
He almost threw up on the floor. Staying here had been a mistake. Craig reached for the lamp. If he turned out the lights, he could hide. His shaky hand hit the lamp and it nearly tumbled to the floor. Craig steadied it with his shaking hands. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. With a sob, he fumbled with the knob. The light went out with a small click. Craig tried to focus on his breathing and how to keep his body from going numb.
Craig jumped, startled. His eyes darted around wildly at an unfamiliar sound. A car engine backfiring, he realized. It was weird acoustics and that’s why it sounded closer than it really is, he told himself. It was quiet now. Too quiet. Too still. Had he gone deaf? He could still see though. It was dark but he could see. He just couldn’t hear. Was that…no. His mind refused to go there.
Craig pulled his cell phone out of his coat pocket. He crept over to his bedroom door and carefully closed it, trying not to make a sound. If he could hear the noise, his father could hear it even if he was rooms away. He had always assumed that. It was weird logic, but it was logic that kept his father calm and Craig safe. Craig gingerly ran his fingertips over small holes in the door like they were a tender wound. His father had taken off the locks. Craig moved to the wall opposite the door and dropped down to the floor.
“Joey? Joey? I need Joey,” Craig whispered into the phone receiver. He could hear Caitlin call for him and words being exchanged in a hurry.
“Craig?” Joey questioned.
“Joey. I need you.”
“Craig, are you okay?” Joey asked frantically. In that moment, dozens of scenarios flashed through his mind. What had happened? Did Craig hurt himself? Was he about to?
“No.”
“Craig, where are you?”
“I’m at my dad’s.”
“Why the hell are you there?” Joey nearly shouted. He immediately regretted it because he could hear his stepson start to break down.
“I’m really scared, Joey.”
“Okay, I’m coming to get you.”
“No,” Craig said immediately. He felt pain jab into his stomach as he realized there may not be a solution to any of this. He couldn’t leave and Joey couldn’t enter.
“What?” Joey asked. He tried to get himself to remove the urgency from his voice. That wasn’t helping matters. He urged himself to remain calm.
“You can’t com here. It’s not safe.”
“Why isn’t it safe?”
“He has a gun.”
Joey nearly dropped the phone. “Okay. I’ll have Caitlin call the police from her cell phone and I’ll stay with you on this phone.”
“Okay, what’s happening now, Craig?” Joey asked upon Caitlin’s request.
“Nothing. It’s quiet. I heard the gun and now it’s quiet.”
“You heard the gun?”
“Yeah. I mean I think that’s what it was. He said he had a gun. But…I’ve never heard one before. I mean actually heard one where I was there and it wasn’t on TV, you know? Maybe it wasn’t and he’s okay,” Craig rambled.
“Where are you right now?”
“In my bedroom.”
“Okay. I want you to stay right there. I’m going to hang up this phone and call you back on Caitlin’s cell phone okay? I’m going to call you from her cell because I’m driving over there right now and I want to keep talking to you. The police will be there really quick, kiddo.”
“No. You can’t call me because he might hear it ring. I’ll call you okay?”
Joey hesitated. “Okay. I’m hanging up the phone right now.”
Craig quickly pushed the button to end the call. He hurriedly punched in Caitlin’s cell phone number and made the mistake of hitting the six instead of the nine on the last number. He blinked back tears and canceled the call. He started to punch in the numbers again, saying each one out loud as he struggled to remember Caitlin’s number even though he’d never had trouble remembering it before.
He felt like he was in a nightmare. It was the dream where he was in a dark room and trying to turn on the lights. But none of them worked and as he moved around trying each new light, he’d become more upset. Because he was shaking from anxiety he would accidentally knock them to the floor, shattering the bulb every time. Or else his fingers would be covered in an oozing substance similar to honey and they would slide off the knob on the lamps. He couldn’t turn them on. All the while the tension was mounting. Someone was in the room with him, he sensed. Or it was the dream where he was hurt and trying to call Joey, only to get the number wrong every time. Only that was happening now. He hated the eerie feeling of dreams colliding with reality. Maybe the dreams were a warning all along.
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Authors Note: Wow, all that just reminded me of that Saw/Degrassi crossover I did that one Halloween. Not in content, but just the mood of it. Yes, sometimes my head is a dark place. I’m anxiously awaiting reviews on this. Up next is Craig’s reactions to what’s just happened.
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Albert, Joey, Caitlin, Angie.
Brief summary of this chapter: The title is the only thing that I borrow from the Degrassi episode. There's no love triangle, but an unexpected event that I have never seen done in a Craig fan fic before. You ready for this roller coaster that is going to span out for a few chapters?
18. Holiday
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The Waiting
Craig’s gaze was fixed on the wall but he wasn’t seeing the shifting lights of the Christmas tree. The alternating red and green glow was the only illuminating light; he kept the rest of the living room lights off. Everyone was in bed but he couldn’t get himself to go to sleep. With his foot, he nudged a crumpled piece of wrapping paper on the floor. Craig felt like he was waiting for something. He wasn’t sure what. The Christmas holiday had come and gone so it wasn’t like when he was a kid and excited for the presents he’d receive on Christmas morning. No, it definitely wasn’t that. He didn’t expect much here. It was around the holidays that he was even more unsure of where he belonged. Joey urged him that he was part of the family. Sometimes he wondered if his stepfather was growing exasperated with his hesitancy to trust him and his family. They were trying, he knew that.
Craig was surprised when Joey’s mother reached out to embrace him. “Hope to see you soon, Craig,” she said warmly and rubbed small circles on his back.
“Yeah. That would be really great. Thank you for just…being so understanding. And being here. The gifts,” Craig managed to say and did mean it. But everything just seemed strange. Why couldn’t he get over this family hang up?
Joey’s father chose to pat him on the back and then rub his shoulder warmly, “No problem. You are part of the family.”
He knew that was all fake. They were warm towards him out of sympathy, not because they genuinely wanted him around. Joey had to have spilled the intimate details about his growing estrangement with his father. That was still boiling up, Craig could feel it. He could still feel it brewing and he didn’t think the past few phone conversations were the end of it. The last phone call had been particularly brutal.
“Craig, your dad is on the phone,” Caitlin said cautiously. She watched as Craig’s face fell. In that moment, he suddenly looked much younger. In those moments she could see the scared boy at home with Albert Manning. Then the look shifted and he looked like her comment wasn’t registering with him at all.
“I can tell him that you aren’t here,” she offered after a few moments of silence..
“No, it’s fine,” Craig managed to say and went for the phone. He took it from the kitchen table and headed for the stairs.
“Stay down here and talk, okay?” Caitlin requested.
Craig stopped dead and nodded. He felt like he was holding a 20 pound weight and not a small cordless phone. Things were crashing down again. He put the phone up to his face and said a quiet hello.
“I’m fine,” he answered coolly as he father asked how he was doing.
Caitlin watched him closely. Craig had no emotion on his face. He wasn’t saying anything.
“Okay, I guess,” she heard him say distantly and he then clicked off the phone. Caitlin approached him but he was quick to abandon the phone and sprint up the stairs.
“What happened?” Caitlin inquired as she pursued him.
“I need to be alone,” Craig muttered as he went into his bedroom. He pushed on his bedroom door, eager to shut Caitlin out. That was the last person he wanted to see right now. No, he couldn’t let her see him like this. He didn’t pay attention to the fact that he didn’t hear the door latch; right now he had other things on his mind. His first thought was to shut it all off with pills, with liquor. He went to his chest of drawers and started to dig around in his sock drawer. Then he stopped. That wouldn’t take away the itch, the burn. He was looking for something else. What just happened was his fault and he had to deal with that. He went straight for his desk and took out a razorblade.
“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Caitlin said as she entered his room without knocking or giving a warning. Her mouth dropped as she saw a razorblade in his hand. She froze for a moment, stunned by the reality of this situation. Prior to this moment, she’d just been the sounding board for Joey. She knew that Craig was troubled, but it hadn’t scared her until this point.
“Craig…” she started and watched him glance up at her with only mild interest. That only made her heart pound harder. He didn’t care that she was here; that’s how involved in his head he was.
“Don’t do this. Don’t let him do this to you.,” Caitlin encouraged as she kneeled down beside him.
“He said that I got what I wanted,” Craig mumbled.
Caitlin shook her head, “I don’t understand.” She had her hand on his now, ever so delicate. She wasn’t sure he could even feel it. But she hadn’t attempted to take the blade from him.
“He said I got what I wanted,” Craig repeated and rocked back and forth for a moment. “He said he’s giving up all parental rights. He said then he won’t be my father anymore.”
Caitlin’s first reaction was relief. It was probably in Craig’s best interest that his father cut off all ties. But the teenager wasn’t seeing it that way. It was an insult to him. She imagined that he felt abandoned and that his life was falling apart again. She was sure that no child ever wanted to truly be separated from their parent, even if there were bout of intense hatred for them.
“He might not have meant that,” Caitlin assured. “He might have been saying that to get a reaction from you. Or to hurt you maybe? You two just had a big blow out a few weeks ago right?”
“What if he does mean it?”
“I don’t know how easy it is to just give up your child,” Caitlin commented.
“It was easy for him! He just basically threw me away.”
“No, what I meant was I don’t know how easy it is legally.”
“People give up their kids for adoption all the time. What would I do if he just threw me away like that?”
“Craig, not much would change. You’d stay right here at Joey’s. Joey would most likely adopt you.”
“I don’t understand why Joey lets me stay here,” Craig thought out loud.
“Honey, can you give me the razorblade?” Caitlin had to ask. Craig still held the small blade between his thumb and forefinger. He was holding it too close to his wrist for Caitlin to tear her eyes from it.
Craig stared back at Caitlin, not sure if he could give up this small amount of power that he had. It was strange having her here at this moment, letting him into his world like this.
“When was the last time you cut?” Caitlin asked quietly.
“I can’t even remember,” Craig said. That wasn’t important. It might be important to some people but he needed this now and how many days, months, or years didn‘t matter. He needed to do something. He needed that release.
“Don’t lose all that. Just hand me the razorblade.”
“You don’t think that I’ll do it with you here? Because I will. Just let me.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I don’t care,” Craig honestly dismissed.
“Come on. Just give me the razorblade,” Caitlin soothed. She still had her hand on his.
Craig moved his wrist closer to the blade and felt his muscles tense up as he tried to resist. He glanced over at Caitlin briefly.
“Just give it to me and it’s over with,” she tried again. “Come on.”
“Don’t let him hurt you anymore than he has,” Caitlin said softly as she brought her other hand closer to the blade. Her fingertips laid lightly on his and she slowly made contact with the blade.
“You’ll tell Joey about this.”
“No. Not if you aren’t comfortable with that. I won’t keep it a secret from him if you cut yourself but if you don’t cut, there’s nothing to hide. He wouldn’t have to know anything.”
“You’re going to keep the razorblade from me,” Craig muttered, still not letting go.
“Just for tonight. Just until the urge to cut has gone away,” Caitlin said and watched him make eye contact with her. “It wouldn’t be a punishment. You don’t have to feel bad about it. It would just be to make things easier on you.”
She took the blade from him and soothed, “There you go, honey. It’s all over with.”
He didn’t think that Caitlin had kept her promise about keeping the incident a secret from Joey. He could feel their concern through the walls. He’d picked up on the tail ends of hushed conversations. Craig knew it was about him by their eyes. They looked slightly guilty, like they had been exchanging secrets. Or maybe they just knew it would make his stomach turn and he wouldn’t want to meet their eyes because he was terrified of what they really saw when they looked at him.
What did they see? He wasn’t sure what he saw, or what he thought of, when he thought of himself. They told him that there were many parts of him. He wasn’t just the kid with the troubled past with his father; he wasn’t just the kid who got hit. They saw the musician in him, the photographer, the son, the friend. He knew he was in pieces too but he didn’t think it was anything like that. There were all these things that had happened to him and they stayed with him. But it all felt fractured in a way. He couldn’t put the pieces together. He didn‘t dare tell people about those kinds of thoughts. He didn’t tell Ms. Sauvé about how sometimes it all got so intense that his body would go numb and he’d wonder if his bones were broken and that was why he couldn‘t move. He could practically imagine the jagged cracks in his bones, pushing at the surface of his skin like the a tree root trying to escape from the ground. It wasn’t natural. He could see at a glance that his limbs were distorted and disfigured from the injuries. But a second later it was gone and he could move again. He wasn’t physically broken, of course.
Craig felt a hand on his shoulder and quickly turned his head around. He’d gotten too lost in his mind again and forgot where he was.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Joey asked as he sat down on the couch next to his stepson.
“Oh. Sorry,” Craig apologized. Did he disturb his sleep? He was doing that weird worrying thing again. He’d been doing that since that fateful dinner with his father. He always felt so embarrassed about his jumpiness but couldn’t really help it.
“Craig, it’s okay. You can stay up if you want to. It’s your house too. Your holiday break.”
“I just couldn’t sleep,” Craig tried to explain. Why did he think that everything he did had to have a reason? This wasn’t something he had to fix. He didn’t do anything wrong. Did he? “Tonight was just really nice.”
“I’m glad you had a good time.”
“It’s so different with Caitlin,” Craig mumbled after a moment of silence.
“You mean with her living here? How are you adjusting to that?”
“No. That’s not what I mean really. I like her here all the time. It’s just…interesting how you are with her. And my mom too.”
“It’s not like I’m replacing your mom with Caitlin. I love your mother very much. I still do.”
“I’m not making sense, am I?”
“Just keep talking,” Joey encouraged. He was used to these late night conversations with Craig. He knew that was when he was most likely to open up. Maybe it was that Craig could go to sleep afterwards and the discussion seemed further from his stepson’s mind. Joey knew Craig hated to confide and let people in; that made him feel exposed.
“You aren’t…like my dad. I mean of course your aren‘t,” Craig said with a nervous smile. “Sometimes I just think about how he’d treat me and my mom and then I think about how you are. And it’s not the obvious things like hitting. It’s…well say if my dad had a Christmas party, it’s like everything would have to be perfect. And it’s just not like that here. You don’t care if Caitlin drops a dish on the floor. Or if she’s not at your side when you talk to someone. Sometimes I really felt like I was his employee or something,” Craig explained. He was sure he’d had this realization before. Why couldn’t it stick in his mind that Joey wasn’t like that?
Joey gave Craig a small smile, “I’m so happy that you feel comfortable. And loved, I hope.”
“Yeah.”
Joey rubbed Craig’s arm for a few moments, “You fit in pretty well with the Jeremiah clan.”
“I don’t know if I really belong here though,” Craig said and he could still here his father’s words in his head. …giving up all parental rights. I’m giving you what you wanted. That wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t. He wasn’t choosing Joey. He just wanted to feel like he was safe. Like he belonged somewhere.
“Can you talk to me?” Joey asked after watching Craig gaze across the room, obviously in thought.
“Just thinking about last year,” Craig said and shifted uncomfortably. “It’s weird how last year I didn’t want to be with my dad. And this year he doesn’t want to be with me.”
Joey wasn‘t sure what to say to that. His stepson‘s relationship with his father had to be going in circles in his mind almost constantly. He just wanted this kid to have a bit of a break. “Let’s think about this year. Aren’t you glad that my mom was here to help out in the kitchen and we didn’t have to throw out a turkey because Caitlin forgot to defrost it like she did with the Thanksgiving turkey?”
“For sure,” Craig agreed with a smile.
“Happy with your gifts?”
“Yeah. It was nice for your family to bring me something.”
“You are part of the family,” Joey said with a smile. He was beginning to think this sentence would never stick.
“What do they say about me?” Craig had to question. He was sure where this doubt was coming from.
“Um…I don’t know…that you are smart and talented. Obvious that you love Angie very much.”
“Are they okay that you didn’t get together with like your aunts and uncles or go to their house?” He worried maybe he was just an inconvenience.
“Absolutely. It’s been nice having a smaller get together here,” Joey said, sensing that Craig was feeling insecure about how he was adamant for keeping the stress level low for Craig and not inviting a large number of people over or encouraging a holiday get-together at a house Craig wasn’t familiar with.
Craig picked up on the strange feeling in the air. He was sure that Joey could feel that strange anticipation too, that was why the low-key holiday celebrations. That sensation that something was about to happen. He figured he thought he would snap; that had to be his stepfather’s worst fear so they were doing this dance around him. Be careful around Craig, watch his actions, and look out for signs of trouble. For about two weeks after the “incident” with his father, Craig was on edge. He felt trapped. Joey would pull him aside from time to time and tell him to cool down. This just confused him. When he was angry, they would know. He wasn’t that angry. He wasn’t swinging his fists. What was the problem?
Craig still couldn’t pin point it. Something was about to happen. Was he going to do something? He reassured Ms. Sauvé each session that he was fine. He was in control still, despite the falling out with his father. No, he wasn’t thinking about harming himself. And he really wasn’t. There were moments of course, they came on like waves; some were weak, some were stronger, and they were always present. But somehow his self destructiveness had become almost part of nature. Like it was always there. So he was learning how to manage it. There was no need for them to try to prepare themselves for his next big freak out. Craig didn’t think it was coming.
What were they waiting for?
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The Caution Sign
“Craig?” A familiar, but distant voice asked over the phone line.
“Dad?” Craig questioned.
“How have you been?”
“I’m okay,” Craig strained to reply and fidgeted some. His father’s voice sounded strange. He wasn’t sure if he had been crying or if he was tired. He wasn’t sure if his father was going to yell at him or tell him how much he missed him.
“I haven’t seen you in awhile.”
“Yeah. I thought that’s how you wanted it. You could have tried to get in contact with me over the holidays too, you know,” Craig said and just wanted to forget the holiday break. Returning to school yesterday had helped.
“I was just giving you what you wanted,” Albert said.
“I didn’t want that. You know I didn‘t want that,” Craig said and couldn’t help but feel frightened by the emptiness in his father’s voice. It almost didn’t sound like him. But then he felt the anger return. His father knew damn well that he had been expecting to return home at some point. But he just had to screw up again. Craig touched his cheek, the exact spot where he had been struck months earlier. He was not going to let that happen again.
“I know you think of Joey as your father. Your mother…”
Craig interrupted with, “I have to go right now. I can’t talk right now.”
He hastily hung up the phone and tried to breathe normally. His heart pounded. Craig couldn’t listen to the complaints about Joey or hear him compare him to his mother, the woman he assumed he sometimes hated the most. What did that say about how he felt about him? The phone rang again. Craig stood by it, staring.
“Get the phone, Craig!” Angie reminded from the couch.
Craig nodded and picked it up again. “Hello?”
“I need you right now, Craiggers,” Albert said in a low voice.
Craig cringed and replied, “I’m here.”
“No, I need you over right now.”
“Um, do you think that maybe we could do this tomorrow? I could have Joey call Robert and ask if I could see you. And we could visit tomorrow.”
“That’s too late,” Albert said. His son didn’t understand the gravity of his moment.
Craig’s forehead crunched up in confusion as he wondered what that meant. “Too late?”
“I really messed things up with you, I know.”
Craig felt the residue of anger melting away ever so slightly. He couldn’t find a thing to say however. He still felt the tug of hesitancy. They weren’t supposed to be in contact out of his social worker’s office.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” Albert said.
“I don’t know what to say right now,” Craig mumbled. He looked down at Angie, who was tugging on his sleeve.
“Can we have ice cream, Craig? Angie asked with a charming smile.
“Um…Angie, can you wait a second?” Craig asked, his voice shaking.
Angie nodded and stood by her brother, staring up at him with wide chestnut eyes.
“I’m here with Angie right now. Babysitting,” Craig explained into the phone receiver.
“That little girl looks so much like your mother. Whenever I saw her, I could have sworn she was a ghost,” Albert commented, his voice distant.
Craig’s stomach churned. For whatever reason he assumed his dad didn’t make that connection. He always figured he thought of him as the used car salesman’s daughter or his half sister. No relation to his dad, really. Except that one, through his mother Julia. Craig met Angie’s gaze. He could see that ghost too.
“Craig, can I have cereal if I can’t have ice cream?” Angie said with a smile and waved her stuffed animal at Craig adoringly.
“Okay, Ang. Cereal. Coming up. Go sit down at the table,” Craig managed to say and forced himself to prepare it. His hands were shaking so bad he was surprised that he could even pour the cereal and milk into the bowl without making a gigantic mess.
“Here you go, Miss Angie,” Craig cheerfully said to his half-sister as he presented a bowl of Fruit Loops. Don’t let her know that you’re falling apart, he reminded himself. He smiled and then stepped away from his sister, but stayed within sight of her.
“Dad, are you still there?” He asked.
“I’m here,” came a distant reply. “I understand why you killed yourself.”
Craig was breathless at those words. His father just said ‘killed yourself.’ “I wasn’t all there when I took those pills,” Craig replied.
“I understand. I mean, it’s been here before but I never really had a solid reason until now. Now I have a reason. I don’t have Julia. I don’t have you,” Albert said and saying it out loud made it more concrete. He had a concrete reason now. His accomplishments at work were pale in comparison to the family he once had.
“You have me,” Craig said, but his response was only heard by the dial tone. Craig clicked off the phone and put his head in his hands. He was trying not to lose all control and sob like a child. His father hadn’t directly said it but he could hear the desperation in his voice. Was his father serious? Maybe he hadn’t heard him correctly. It would be like him to say that to get him to come over to see him. That was all this was. It had to be.
Craig answered the phone on the first ring this time.
“Craig, I need you back,” was the first thing he heard.
“Okay. I’m here for you,” Craig said quickly. He wasn’t going to take any chances. He knew those moments, of wanting it all to just stop. He knew it because he was the crazy one, the unstable teenager who took handful of pills. And it hadn’t killed him yet. His father just needed him there and he’d be fine. He wasn’t the one who was supposed to do this.
“I bet you’ve wished me dead a million times. I remember overhearing you tell a friend that you hoped I would die in a car crash on the way to work.”
Craig shook his head, “I don’t remember that.” Of course he knew it was possible.
“You were only eleven at the time. Eleven and you hated me then. I wonder how early that hate started.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Come over. I’ll make things up to you,” Albert said in a soft voice that Craig wasn’t used to.
“I can’t come over right now,” Craig said, nearly choking on the words.
“Forget about Joey for a minute and think about me, Craig,” Albert demanded, the softness in his voice gone in an instant.
“It’s not about Joey. I can’t come over because I’m babysitting Angie right now. I can’t leave her alone.”
“I’d just be better off gone and out of your life. You hear that, that‘s the sound of the safety being released.”
“What? You have a gun?” Craig wildly questioned. Then he glanced over at Angie to see if she sensed his panic. Keep it together, he urged himself. “No. That’s not true. I want it to work this time. Please don’t do this to me.”
He only heard silence. He cringed and tried, “I’m sorry I left. I‘m sorry I got people involved.”
Craig listened to a click and then the dull buzzing of the dial tone. His body was stiff and numb. He stayed on the line until the operator’s mechanical voice came over the line, “If you’d like to make a call, hang up and try again.”
What if I don’t get to try again, he wondered.
“If you’d like to make a call, hang up and try again. If you need assistance, stay on the line.”
He turned off the phone, then clicked it back on, and dialed his father’s number. He felt relief wash over him as he heard his father’s voice.
“Dad, I can come over. Just give me a little while, please,” Craig said in a rush.
He paced a little once he heard the silence on the other line. He could still hear him breathing, slow and steady.
“Please don’t leave me,” Craig pleaded.
“Isn’t that what I said to you when you left my home, our home?” Albert retorted.
“I’m coming home again. I’ll come back tonight. Just…stay.”
“Okay,” Albert agreed, felt satisfied for a brief moment, and then hung up.
Craig hung up and chewed on his fingernail. He then called up Caitlin’s office at the news station. Caitlin wasn’t in. Craig knew that wasn’t a guarantee she was on her way home; she could be out researching a breaking storyline. He paused halfway through dialing Joey at the car dealership. He realized he had no idea what to say. He hung up the phone and gazed at Angie, who was perched over her dollhouse in the corner of the living room.
Maybe he could put her to bed and head over to his dad’s. He was sickened by the thought of leaving Angie alone, but his father was going to kill himself. His father or Angie. His father or Joey. Craig swallowed hard, his throat dry. Why not call the police? He knew the answer to that; he wouldn’t want that done to him. He would want his loved one there with him and talk him out of the temporary crisis. That was all this was. He wouldn’t know what to say to the police anyway. And if he didn’t mean it, the details about this could be released to their family, to his father’s co-workers. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t disrupt his father’s life again. He had to be careful about this. Besides he could fix it. He knew the fix.
Craig began to pace around the living room, occasionally going out to the kitchen to try to busy himself. It felt like hours when he heard the front door open and Angie’s delighted cry. He rushed to greet whoever it was.
“Caitlin,” Craig sighed with relief.
“I’m glad to see you too,” Caitlin said with a smile.
“Hey, uh…I have to run over to Marco’s for a bit,” Craig said. “I know it’s kind of late but I left my math book over there and I need it to do my assignment.”
Craig pulled on his coat and paused at the door for Caitlin’s permission.
“When were you at Marco’s to leave it there? Didn’t you need it in school today?” Caitlin questioned.
“Yeah. Uh, I don’t know.” Craig’s head throbbed. That made no sense. “Guess I didn’t need it till now.”
“Well, okay. Come right back.” Caitlin agreed after some hesitation.
“Yeah. To Ashley’s and back,” Craig reassured and headed down the walk.
“I thought you said you were going to Marco’s,” Caitlin called out.
“Yeah. Marco’s. Math book. See you in a few.”
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The Warning
“Dad?” Craig called out as he stepped into the darkened house.
He squinted around in the dark, waiting for his eyes to adjust. He wandered through the living room, glanced into his father’s darkened study, and then went back to the entry way. He gazed up the stairs. It looked even darker up there. Craig suddenly felt like a child who had awoken from a nightmare and was too terrified to open his eyes, let alone get up to race to his parents’ bed. He wasn’t sure what he were to find, but he didn’t think he wanted to go upstairs.
Light would make less surreal but for some odd reason, Craig didn’t feel like he had the right to turn on the lights. It wasn’t his house anymore. A part of him felt like an intruder and couldn’t help but assume if the neighbors saw suspicious activity, the police would be called. But deep down, he knew the real reason was probably that he didn’t want to disturb his already agitated father.
He turned to face the kitchen. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants as he looked around the dark room. He was barely able to make out the appliances. It felt so strange to be back. Craig nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized someone was sitting at the kitchen table.
“Dad?” Craig asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
How could he have overlooked him sitting right there? He was maybe five feet from the guy. Suddenly he realized that this was just like the day when he had come home to find his darkroom torn apart. His father looked the same way, hunched over the table some with his hands clutched tightly together. Craig took a few steps into the doorway connecting the entry way and the kitchen. He stood there, ever so cautious.
“Um, I’m going to turn on a light, okay?” Craig asked.
“Leave them off.”
Craig nodded right away. At least he got a reply. At least he knew he wasn’t dead. Craig squinted at the table. The wood finish was glimmering in the moonlight. The table was empty. He took a few steps closer to his father. His hands were empty. No gun. Maybe there never was one.
“Um, are you okay?”
“Are you going to stay? You are my son. You are MY son,” Albert slurred.
Craig squeezed his fists together. Great, now he’d been drinking. Fantastic. If the guy wasn’t out of it before, he definitely was now. “Yep. I’m staying.”
“You won’t stay for long.”
“I will,” Craig reassured.
“What did you tell Joey?” Albert said, snarling out the name of Craig’s stepfather.
“Um, nothing.”
“Oh great, Craig. Smart move. You always were the smart one. Now he’s going to call the cops on me.”
Craig flinched. “Why are you being mean to me?”
“Why are you being mean to me?” his father said in an imitating whine. “I’m being ‘mean’ to you because you always screw up.”
“Okay, I really don’t need this right now. I came over for you because you sounded desperate on the phone,” Craig said, feeling exasperated. He couldn’t handle his father’s mood swings right now. One moment he was desperate, then showing signs of remorseful, which gave back into that irritability he was so familiar seeing.
Craig nearly stopped breathing as he watched his father stand up and move over to him.
“So get out,” Albert growled as he passed by him and stumbled into the living room.
Craig paused at the front door but then followed his father into the living room. “I don’t want to leave.”
“Well that’s something new,” Albert said, spinning around. “You’ve always wanted to leave before. Even when you were just a little kid. You were always wanting to go see your mom and Joey. Joey. I wish that man would be gone from our lives. But death won’t even give us that. And then you up and leave me for the same man your mother did.”
“Well, I’m staying now,” Craig tried. He didn’t like this mood of his father’s. Something was different about it. There seemed to be less anger, more despair.
“I just can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand the lies and deception and death. And I’m tired of being alone.”
“I’m here. You aren’t alone.”
“You need to leave now.”
“But you wanted me here,” Craig protested.
“I did. But I know you won’t stay. You will go running off to school and call Joey from there, if you even stay until tomorrow morning,” Albert accused. His son was always looking for a reason to be around Joey and Angela. Perfect Family; that was what was scrawled across that scrapbook of the photos of the car salesman and his daughter. Albert had never felt more anger and jealousy than he had in that moment. Why didn’t Craig value him as much as he valued Joey and Angela? Why didn’t he look up to him, want him around?
“Please stop talking about Joey. He doesn’t have anything to do with us.”
“He has everything to do with us.”
“I can’t do this,” Craig honestly said. Things were so unreal here in the dark. Maybe he was asleep. He could have sworn he had dreamt of this before.
“I know you can’t. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m making it easier on you.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Go outside. You don’t want to see this.”
“What?”
“Just go home, Craig.” His father dismissed, waving his hand as he trudged towards his study.
“This is my home. And you are my dad,” Craig tried and followed a few steps forward. He was surprised that he found himself saying this, but he really couldn’t help it. He didn’t understand why he either had to be here or he had to be gone, why things had to be so final. Couldn’t he just be here in this moment and that proved something?
“You gave this up a long time ago.”
“I don’t understand what you want me to do! You constantly tell me it’s my fault; I screw up. And then you say it’s not me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!” Craig finally said and saw something in his father’s eyes.
“You are right,” Albert responded soberly. He contradicted himself because of whatever craziness or anger it was that burned inside him. And he had spread that onto his son; he knew he was making him into the same wild version of himself. His son was struggling because of him. He never meant for that to happen. Sometime during all of his efforts to keep things in order, to control them, he had lost control.
“Look, um,” Craig started. He pressed his fingers against his lips for a moment and wasn’t sure if he should say it. “Let’s just call up…”
Albert gave Craig a sharp look and that was response enough. His son didn’t finish.
“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to fix this!” Craig finally said. He didn’t know what kind of comfort he could offer.
“Craig, it’s not about you!” He was starting to realize that all of his actions proved tonight that he couldn’t change, ever. He hadn’t struck his son but he was playing the same head game of shame and blame. It was just like Craig had said during their fateful last meeting, things won’t change ever.
“I don’t understand! It’s always been about me and my mistakes,” Craig responded. His head throbbed with confusion.
“What’s about to happen has nothing to do with you. I just want you to understand that.”
“I don’t understand any of this!” Craig said, his voice shaking. “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do.”
The study light flicked on, but it didn’t aid Craig any as he could barely see through his tears in his eyes. He felt arms around him now.
“You’ll be fine. You are nothing like me. You know that right?” Albert soothed with a heavy heart.
“I don’t understand any of this,” Craig repeated as he choked back a sob.
“You’ll be fine. I think this is for the best. Just head up to bed okay?” Albert said and gently touched Craig’s cheek, the same cheek he had struck months earlier. He watched his son’s eyes dart around the room.
“Things are going to be okay now right?” Craig questioned, half weary and half hopeful. He still wasn’t sure he was here. He was always having crazy dreams. This was one of them.
“You will be fine,” Albert said, choosing his words carefully. But he meant it. He knew his son was bright and talented. He would be fine. That was something he did have faith in. He had hope for his son. There was hope, but not for himself.
“So if I stay, I can help you. You don’t…just don’t talk like the way you were before,” Craig rambled without thinking. “I want to stay.”
Albert smoothed his son’s hair and then spoke, “Alright. You can stay. Go upstairs, okay? Go up to your room.”
“Why can’t we stay down here?”
“You look tired. Don’t you want to go to bed?”
Craig’s eyes darted around the room as he wondered what the right thing was to do. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Just go up to your bedroom and stay there okay? Don’t come downstairs.”
Craig wanted to believe things were okay now. He nodded.
“You will be okay. I know you will be,” Albert said and gave Craig a firm embrace.
Craig nodded again and then he felt his father lightly kiss his forehead.
“Just go upstairs,” Albert urged.
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The Event
Craig sat on the edge of his bed and rocked back and forth. His stomach ache had since worsened. He bit down on his lip and tried to push away any bad memories. He couldn’t have the memories now. He had to take care of his dad. His hands were still shaking. He began to scratch at his wrist, looking to feel pain. If he could feel physical pain maybe this was real. He couldn’t be sure if it was.
“Oh my God,” he whispered as the sound of things being thrown started again.
He almost threw up on the floor. Staying here had been a mistake. Craig reached for the lamp. If he turned out the lights, he could hide. His shaky hand hit the lamp and it nearly tumbled to the floor. Craig steadied it with his shaking hands. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. With a sob, he fumbled with the knob. The light went out with a small click. Craig tried to focus on his breathing and how to keep his body from going numb.
Craig jumped, startled. His eyes darted around wildly at an unfamiliar sound. A car engine backfiring, he realized. It was weird acoustics and that’s why it sounded closer than it really is, he told himself. It was quiet now. Too quiet. Too still. Had he gone deaf? He could still see though. It was dark but he could see. He just couldn’t hear. Was that…no. His mind refused to go there.
Craig pulled his cell phone out of his coat pocket. He crept over to his bedroom door and carefully closed it, trying not to make a sound. If he could hear the noise, his father could hear it even if he was rooms away. He had always assumed that. It was weird logic, but it was logic that kept his father calm and Craig safe. Craig gingerly ran his fingertips over small holes in the door like they were a tender wound. His father had taken off the locks. Craig moved to the wall opposite the door and dropped down to the floor.
“Joey? Joey? I need Joey,” Craig whispered into the phone receiver. He could hear Caitlin call for him and words being exchanged in a hurry.
“Craig?” Joey questioned.
“Joey. I need you.”
“Craig, are you okay?” Joey asked frantically. In that moment, dozens of scenarios flashed through his mind. What had happened? Did Craig hurt himself? Was he about to?
“No.”
“Craig, where are you?”
“I’m at my dad’s.”
“Why the hell are you there?” Joey nearly shouted. He immediately regretted it because he could hear his stepson start to break down.
“I’m really scared, Joey.”
“Okay, I’m coming to get you.”
“No,” Craig said immediately. He felt pain jab into his stomach as he realized there may not be a solution to any of this. He couldn’t leave and Joey couldn’t enter.
“What?” Joey asked. He tried to get himself to remove the urgency from his voice. That wasn’t helping matters. He urged himself to remain calm.
“You can’t com here. It’s not safe.”
“Why isn’t it safe?”
“He has a gun.”
Joey nearly dropped the phone. “Okay. I’ll have Caitlin call the police from her cell phone and I’ll stay with you on this phone.”
“Okay, what’s happening now, Craig?” Joey asked upon Caitlin’s request.
“Nothing. It’s quiet. I heard the gun and now it’s quiet.”
“You heard the gun?”
“Yeah. I mean I think that’s what it was. He said he had a gun. But…I’ve never heard one before. I mean actually heard one where I was there and it wasn’t on TV, you know? Maybe it wasn’t and he’s okay,” Craig rambled.
“Where are you right now?”
“In my bedroom.”
“Okay. I want you to stay right there. I’m going to hang up this phone and call you back on Caitlin’s cell phone okay? I’m going to call you from her cell because I’m driving over there right now and I want to keep talking to you. The police will be there really quick, kiddo.”
“No. You can’t call me because he might hear it ring. I’ll call you okay?”
Joey hesitated. “Okay. I’m hanging up the phone right now.”
Craig quickly pushed the button to end the call. He hurriedly punched in Caitlin’s cell phone number and made the mistake of hitting the six instead of the nine on the last number. He blinked back tears and canceled the call. He started to punch in the numbers again, saying each one out loud as he struggled to remember Caitlin’s number even though he’d never had trouble remembering it before.
He felt like he was in a nightmare. It was the dream where he was in a dark room and trying to turn on the lights. But none of them worked and as he moved around trying each new light, he’d become more upset. Because he was shaking from anxiety he would accidentally knock them to the floor, shattering the bulb every time. Or else his fingers would be covered in an oozing substance similar to honey and they would slide off the knob on the lamps. He couldn’t turn them on. All the while the tension was mounting. Someone was in the room with him, he sensed. Or it was the dream where he was hurt and trying to call Joey, only to get the number wrong every time. Only that was happening now. He hated the eerie feeling of dreams colliding with reality. Maybe the dreams were a warning all along.
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Authors Note: Wow, all that just reminded me of that Saw/Degrassi crossover I did that one Halloween. Not in content, but just the mood of it. Yes, sometimes my head is a dark place. I’m anxiously awaiting reviews on this. Up next is Craig’s reactions to what’s just happened.