ha.
Fundamental Laws Of Porn
1: whores lie
2: male performers have NO stroke value
3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded ball-cam angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dudes ass and nut sack is too much)
4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if its from a woman, tranny or another dude, its gay
7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldnt be a stunt cock
8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far weve come as a country regarding race
9: if she doesnt do anal, and shes not Christy Canyon, shes not a legitimate porn star
10: piss, vomit and/or scat aint sex(y)
11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesnt have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
14: dont jump to the guys face during the money shot
15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
16: close up shots have their place, but its not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girls ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents over dramatic moaning or porn banter
18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if shes been doing porn longer than 6 months
19: if its a comp, let the box cover say its a comp; dont dress it up as all new scenes
20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
21: if its on the box, it shall be in the movie
22: if an act is described as her first time, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
24: squirt is pee (see 10)
25: every whore has a price
26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, its rewind time
27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
28: someone elses baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the great sex and close friendships, when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency; 10% support suitcase pimps drug dependency
30: when a whore says they dont do drugs any more, it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
31: not all attention whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention whores
32: if you have a catch-phrase, youre a douche
33: girls turn 18 every day
34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
35: for every whore that leaves, two will take her place
36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related career opportunities
37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
39: big-budget porn (e.g. Conquest, Private Gladiator) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum
1: whores lie
2: male performers have NO stroke value
3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded ball-cam angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dudes ass and nut sack is too much)
4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if its from a woman, tranny or another dude, its gay
7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldnt be a stunt cock
8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far weve come as a country regarding race
9: if she doesnt do anal, and shes not Christy Canyon, shes not a legitimate porn star
10: piss, vomit and/or scat aint sex(y)
11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesnt have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
14: dont jump to the guys face during the money shot
15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
16: close up shots have their place, but its not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girls ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents over dramatic moaning or porn banter
18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if shes been doing porn longer than 6 months
19: if its a comp, let the box cover say its a comp; dont dress it up as all new scenes
20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
21: if its on the box, it shall be in the movie
22: if an act is described as her first time, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
24: squirt is pee (see 10)
25: every whore has a price
26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, its rewind time
27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
28: someone elses baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the great sex and close friendships, when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency; 10% support suitcase pimps drug dependency
30: when a whore says they dont do drugs any more, it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
31: not all attention whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention whores
32: if you have a catch-phrase, youre a douche
33: girls turn 18 every day
34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
35: for every whore that leaves, two will take her place
36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related career opportunities
37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
39: big-budget porn (e.g. Conquest, Private Gladiator) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum