I am Here
Originally published at Perches in the Soul. You can comment here or there.
I spend a lot of my life, more than I like to admit, right now wishing I could speed up or turn back time. I want optho to be over, I want my surgery rotation to end, I want medical school to move along so I can just do what I think I want to do with my life. Four months ago I just wanted to be done with class, then then the boards, then orientation. I day dream in a great deal of my precious free time, I dwaddle over pictures and blogs. I complain a lot. I am discontented and restless. I want the future or at least my vision of it or even the past sometimes wouldn’t be all bad. I would rather be where my sister is I say in college having a great time, working at camp for a summer. Or I would rather fast forward 10 years and be married with kids and doing child health work in some corner of the developing world. Any where but here, please God I find myself praying, Here Am I, send me…somewhere, please.
Today I tried to study for my surgery shelf which turned into a futile fight to focus on my textbook rather than the summer sunshine or my endless day dreams or journeys into nostalgia. I could barely sit still. I whined to myself about my inability to focus and then I whined about my whining. Then I had a thought in the mist of my whining. I found myself in the mist of the familiar near prayer of please send me somewhere and I found God whispering Here I Am, I am here. And I felt a great deal aware of the foolish, whimpy 6 old that I have been the last week or two.
Here is somewhere. and its the only time I will ever be here. Maybe its not my favorite place and maybe it never will be but its where I am. And its where God is because its where God wants me.