I'm sorry.
So as many know, yesterday was the anniversary of Ruschak's death. I told myself when it first happened that I wasn't going to do this because it might offend some people but, honestly, I don't care at this point. I say I'm sorry because I would have liked to go to all the gatherings where people were mourning them. I really would have liked to go but the problem is that I feel very uncomfortable around people who are mourning. I simply do not know what to do. As stupid as this may sound, years ago I read the code of the samurai. It's a great text and I recommend it to anyone. A lot of it was pretty irrelevant stuff unless you happen to live in feudal japan but there were the here and there things that caught my attention, some of which are philosophies I hold dear today. One of those was the chapter on death.
You see, I'm not arguing some sort of specialty on it, I'm just quoting my experience here but I have been around the death of family members since I was young. It feels like every 4-5 years someone in my family has died and from even the start, I knew fully well what was going on. This person was leaving the world. I was never going to see them or talk to them again. But the thing is, I am aware that many people die every day. Now while my family members died because, frankly, they were old the truth still applies to any kind of death. Just about every faith basically says that your loved one will be in a better place. So, chances are, if you have faith in anything, you should believe that. The idea is that you have no reason to think that this person is worse off in any way and, really, the more you think about it, the tears you shed are for yourself. If you aren't a terribly faithful person, you should at least be a realist. This is basically my personal take and one that was not introduced by the code of the samurai but more solidified by it. Death can come at any moment to anyone. The idea is not to fear death. You do not welcome it, but it is acknowledged as something that is natural and that happens. My personal goal is to be able to wake up every day and say to myself that if I died today, I would have led a pretty good life. It's important to me and it is one of my strongest beliefs. I hope that if I do, the people at my funeral will be compelled to agree and instead of mourn me share the good times they had with me. Because the fact is that I could make the 2 minute drive to sonic tonight and not make it home because of a drunk driver. These things happen. It is not a good thing that they do but the fact remains that they happen.
And so that is how I feel about Ruschak. I completely empathise for his family. I can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son or a brother. That said, I still treat Ruschak the way I would like to be treated. I do not mourn him. I celebrate his life. I think if he did wake up everyday and ask himself if he had a good life, his answer would be an unquestionable yes. This, I believe, is a wonderful thing. We don't live forever and it's up to us to do what we can with what we've got and I think Ruschak was one of the best of us. He was always cheery and had no trouble getting anyone else in a good mood, too. My only hope is that everyone can take what they can from what he gave us and put it to their best use.
I have no convenient or nice transition to this next part because it is something that seems to happen with a will of it's own. Upon thinking of Ruschak and how good he was and how much we will all miss him, I have no choice but to think of Allred. And this is sort of the other half of being uncomfortable around people mourning Ruschak. You see, it is a strage thing to be internally celebrating someone's life while people around you cry over the loss of it but the fact is, I am overwhelmed by an ugly mix of anger and disappointment whenever my thoughts wander to Allred. And this, I'm afraid, is where my tone must change. I have been very good about keeping my feelings about this to myself but, frankly, it's been long enough and I need to get this off of my chest. When I say I'm angry when I think about Allred, the fact is, I am not angry at Allred. I am angry at everyone who associated with him. I don't blame those who did for what happened to Ruschak (frankly, sometimes I don't even blame Allred) but they certainly did not help. Say what you will, but I feel I am typically an excellent judge of character. From the very first day I met Allred, I knew there was something wrong about him. After hanging out around him a handful of times, I was ridiculed and outcast to an extent because of my apparent overcautiousness. Well, let's review what we knew about Allred. Argue whatever you like, I don't care:
1) He was emotionally unstable. I don't have any personal experience that I can recall but I know it was something I detected from the very first meeting with him and, if memory serves me, my believe was echoed but at least one or two others.
2) He laughed and was proud about scamming, STEALING, thousands of dollars from people online- people who had done absolutely nothing to him whatsoever.
3) He got in an argument with his brother which involved his brother pulling a rifle on him and Allred smashing the windshield of his brother's car with an asp, after which I believe the two got into a fistfight.
4) The thing with Erinn. If you don't know exactly what happened, I'm not going to summarize. Sorry. It was an incredibly shitty thing to do and he knew what the consequences might be. Luckily, Erinn's parents were better than he was
So, let's see... Emotional instability: check. Lack of a moral compass: check. Violent tendency: check. Betrayer: check. Ok...
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? Seriously! It's infuriating watching people tell you that you're "silly" for not wanting to be around someone who has openly displayed these attributed and then you have the FUCKING BALLS to act surprised when something like this happens?! What are you, stupid? Does it take this for you people to realize what a total fucking asshole someone is? Honestly, the only other person who I think remotely even got it was Erinn and it took what he did to her for it to sink in a bit. So, yeah, when I'm around people crying that Ruschak is gone, one of my biggest feelings along with how great of a person Ruschak was is how completely idiotic and blind these people have to have been to have not noticed and been legitimately surprised that something like this happened. It's frustrating. It's like walking someone climbing over the fence for the lions at the zoo and getting eaten. Seriously? Are you a moron? And that's the extent of it.
So yes, when I'm around people mourning Ruschak I get this sickly mixed feeling that I'm sorry Ruschak is gone and how great of a person he was mixed with this overpowering anger that people are so stupid. And I don't want to express it. These people are my friends. I love my friends like they are my family. Scratch that. My friend are my family. And I loved Ruschak just as much as any of them. They should know that will never change. I will always be here no matter what. And maybe that's part of the frustration- that I feel angry at people who I genuinely love. I don't want to be there and be miserable but, at the same time, I don't want to not go and let anyone think I don't care enough about Ruschak or care enough to support them in their sorrow. And while I probably seem pretty pissed, it does not mean that no one can come to me to talk about Ruschak. You can. Feel free. I will not beat you up. I just can't be there with the group waiting to leave. So, again, if anyone's offended, I'm sorry. I truly, deeply, am sorry.
You see, I'm not arguing some sort of specialty on it, I'm just quoting my experience here but I have been around the death of family members since I was young. It feels like every 4-5 years someone in my family has died and from even the start, I knew fully well what was going on. This person was leaving the world. I was never going to see them or talk to them again. But the thing is, I am aware that many people die every day. Now while my family members died because, frankly, they were old the truth still applies to any kind of death. Just about every faith basically says that your loved one will be in a better place. So, chances are, if you have faith in anything, you should believe that. The idea is that you have no reason to think that this person is worse off in any way and, really, the more you think about it, the tears you shed are for yourself. If you aren't a terribly faithful person, you should at least be a realist. This is basically my personal take and one that was not introduced by the code of the samurai but more solidified by it. Death can come at any moment to anyone. The idea is not to fear death. You do not welcome it, but it is acknowledged as something that is natural and that happens. My personal goal is to be able to wake up every day and say to myself that if I died today, I would have led a pretty good life. It's important to me and it is one of my strongest beliefs. I hope that if I do, the people at my funeral will be compelled to agree and instead of mourn me share the good times they had with me. Because the fact is that I could make the 2 minute drive to sonic tonight and not make it home because of a drunk driver. These things happen. It is not a good thing that they do but the fact remains that they happen.
And so that is how I feel about Ruschak. I completely empathise for his family. I can't possibly imagine what it is like to lose a son or a brother. That said, I still treat Ruschak the way I would like to be treated. I do not mourn him. I celebrate his life. I think if he did wake up everyday and ask himself if he had a good life, his answer would be an unquestionable yes. This, I believe, is a wonderful thing. We don't live forever and it's up to us to do what we can with what we've got and I think Ruschak was one of the best of us. He was always cheery and had no trouble getting anyone else in a good mood, too. My only hope is that everyone can take what they can from what he gave us and put it to their best use.
I have no convenient or nice transition to this next part because it is something that seems to happen with a will of it's own. Upon thinking of Ruschak and how good he was and how much we will all miss him, I have no choice but to think of Allred. And this is sort of the other half of being uncomfortable around people mourning Ruschak. You see, it is a strage thing to be internally celebrating someone's life while people around you cry over the loss of it but the fact is, I am overwhelmed by an ugly mix of anger and disappointment whenever my thoughts wander to Allred. And this, I'm afraid, is where my tone must change. I have been very good about keeping my feelings about this to myself but, frankly, it's been long enough and I need to get this off of my chest. When I say I'm angry when I think about Allred, the fact is, I am not angry at Allred. I am angry at everyone who associated with him. I don't blame those who did for what happened to Ruschak (frankly, sometimes I don't even blame Allred) but they certainly did not help. Say what you will, but I feel I am typically an excellent judge of character. From the very first day I met Allred, I knew there was something wrong about him. After hanging out around him a handful of times, I was ridiculed and outcast to an extent because of my apparent overcautiousness. Well, let's review what we knew about Allred. Argue whatever you like, I don't care:
1) He was emotionally unstable. I don't have any personal experience that I can recall but I know it was something I detected from the very first meeting with him and, if memory serves me, my believe was echoed but at least one or two others.
2) He laughed and was proud about scamming, STEALING, thousands of dollars from people online- people who had done absolutely nothing to him whatsoever.
3) He got in an argument with his brother which involved his brother pulling a rifle on him and Allred smashing the windshield of his brother's car with an asp, after which I believe the two got into a fistfight.
4) The thing with Erinn. If you don't know exactly what happened, I'm not going to summarize. Sorry. It was an incredibly shitty thing to do and he knew what the consequences might be. Luckily, Erinn's parents were better than he was
So, let's see... Emotional instability: check. Lack of a moral compass: check. Violent tendency: check. Betrayer: check. Ok...
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? Seriously! It's infuriating watching people tell you that you're "silly" for not wanting to be around someone who has openly displayed these attributed and then you have the FUCKING BALLS to act surprised when something like this happens?! What are you, stupid? Does it take this for you people to realize what a total fucking asshole someone is? Honestly, the only other person who I think remotely even got it was Erinn and it took what he did to her for it to sink in a bit. So, yeah, when I'm around people crying that Ruschak is gone, one of my biggest feelings along with how great of a person Ruschak was is how completely idiotic and blind these people have to have been to have not noticed and been legitimately surprised that something like this happened. It's frustrating. It's like walking someone climbing over the fence for the lions at the zoo and getting eaten. Seriously? Are you a moron? And that's the extent of it.
So yes, when I'm around people mourning Ruschak I get this sickly mixed feeling that I'm sorry Ruschak is gone and how great of a person he was mixed with this overpowering anger that people are so stupid. And I don't want to express it. These people are my friends. I love my friends like they are my family. Scratch that. My friend are my family. And I loved Ruschak just as much as any of them. They should know that will never change. I will always be here no matter what. And maybe that's part of the frustration- that I feel angry at people who I genuinely love. I don't want to be there and be miserable but, at the same time, I don't want to not go and let anyone think I don't care enough about Ruschak or care enough to support them in their sorrow. And while I probably seem pretty pissed, it does not mean that no one can come to me to talk about Ruschak. You can. Feel free. I will not beat you up. I just can't be there with the group waiting to leave. So, again, if anyone's offended, I'm sorry. I truly, deeply, am sorry.