I wish it were as simple as voices in my head...
Okay, so I crashed... hard.
For the past couple of weeks I've had a building sense of... something. I've kept myself busy, sleeping at strange hours and usually not sleeping when normal people sleep. Despite this, I've gotten very little done with my school work. I focused on moving because that was a big project that I could see an end to. Besides that, I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch, playing sudoku, and watching TV. I just couldn't seem to concentrate on any one thing long enough to actually work on it or, better yet, complete it.
Then yesterday the sense of something turned into an overwhelming anxiety; a foreboding so intense that I could feel it in my bones. I felt that if I didn't go somewhere and do something I was going to throw up. So I packed my overnight bag and drove down to Hillsdale at around 4:00 am. I feel like I should have seen it coming, this spiral of irrationality and despair. At least I was home by the time it really hit.
Everything was wrong... school was wrong, work was wrong, being away from Colin was wrong... wrong, wrong, wrong. I thought about dropping statistics and possibly finding a job. I could complete my Master's online slowly while working full time. But then what about my assistantship? If I dropped statistics, I would lose my assistantship, which would mean losing my tuition waver. I don't really like what I'm doing for my assistantship right now, even if it is relatively easy and flexible. I hate the fact that Colin is gone, and I couldn't discuss any of this with him because I needed to decide if I was going to drop statistics by February 27 and who knows when I'll hear from him again? And I have a midterm that I'm not prepared for, very likely might fail. All of these thoughts spinning through my head. I spent most of the afternoon/evening crying and trying to explain what was wrong to my parents.
And now? I feel better. After getting everything out, I feel better. I feel like there's hope for my statistics exam, because I know that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I know that I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself for giving up my assistantship this easily, at least not part way through a semester. I know that I really might want to complete most of the rest of my Master's online, but that decision can wait until I'm ready to make my schedule for next semester. I know that I hate Colin being gone, and I hate not knowing when he'll call, but I'm trusting that he will come home safe. And I'm trusting that he trusts me to make decisions about my life while he's gone without consulting with him first.
I hate looking back at the progression of this ridiculous cycle, and noting the instances of my neuroses. I think that it is probably time for me to actually go see someone. I'm going to wait until after spring break, because the time between now and leaving for Alabama is short and I have a lot to do, but when I come back I'm going to call the health center and see if I can get a referral to the psychiatry clinic. My insurance covers several visits completely, so maybe I can use that as an opportunity to actually get my hands on a medication that might actually work.
And here I thought I was doing so much better.
For the past couple of weeks I've had a building sense of... something. I've kept myself busy, sleeping at strange hours and usually not sleeping when normal people sleep. Despite this, I've gotten very little done with my school work. I focused on moving because that was a big project that I could see an end to. Besides that, I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch, playing sudoku, and watching TV. I just couldn't seem to concentrate on any one thing long enough to actually work on it or, better yet, complete it.
Then yesterday the sense of something turned into an overwhelming anxiety; a foreboding so intense that I could feel it in my bones. I felt that if I didn't go somewhere and do something I was going to throw up. So I packed my overnight bag and drove down to Hillsdale at around 4:00 am. I feel like I should have seen it coming, this spiral of irrationality and despair. At least I was home by the time it really hit.
Everything was wrong... school was wrong, work was wrong, being away from Colin was wrong... wrong, wrong, wrong. I thought about dropping statistics and possibly finding a job. I could complete my Master's online slowly while working full time. But then what about my assistantship? If I dropped statistics, I would lose my assistantship, which would mean losing my tuition waver. I don't really like what I'm doing for my assistantship right now, even if it is relatively easy and flexible. I hate the fact that Colin is gone, and I couldn't discuss any of this with him because I needed to decide if I was going to drop statistics by February 27 and who knows when I'll hear from him again? And I have a midterm that I'm not prepared for, very likely might fail. All of these thoughts spinning through my head. I spent most of the afternoon/evening crying and trying to explain what was wrong to my parents.
And now? I feel better. After getting everything out, I feel better. I feel like there's hope for my statistics exam, because I know that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I know that I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself for giving up my assistantship this easily, at least not part way through a semester. I know that I really might want to complete most of the rest of my Master's online, but that decision can wait until I'm ready to make my schedule for next semester. I know that I hate Colin being gone, and I hate not knowing when he'll call, but I'm trusting that he will come home safe. And I'm trusting that he trusts me to make decisions about my life while he's gone without consulting with him first.
I hate looking back at the progression of this ridiculous cycle, and noting the instances of my neuroses. I think that it is probably time for me to actually go see someone. I'm going to wait until after spring break, because the time between now and leaving for Alabama is short and I have a lot to do, but when I come back I'm going to call the health center and see if I can get a referral to the psychiatry clinic. My insurance covers several visits completely, so maybe I can use that as an opportunity to actually get my hands on a medication that might actually work.
And here I thought I was doing so much better.