(no subject)
I hate this. I find myself analyzing every word that comes out of his mouth everytime that I talk to him. I know that he doesn't want what I'm waiting for. I wait for every call and once that phone rings my heart drops. And when the phone clicks goodbye, my mind wanders and I am soon waiting for the next call. Like I'm sitting and waiting for some kind of magic to happen. All I can hear coming from his voice is "Lydia it's not going to happen". It kills my heart. Last night I woke up 5 times crying. I'm at home sitting in my own puddle of tears. Its better when I'm with people or at work because I'm more comfortable with being who I am, with or without him. But home is just a nightmare. Through the night would of marked us being together for 6 months. Instead, it marked the fading I love you's and the dying kisses. And to think that I'm such an embarrassment to him is why I shouldn't be waiting. But here I am sitting by the phone.