Kudos to those who see through sickness
I went out walking tonight. I'm not exactly sure when I left, but I listened to every song that I had on my mp3 player. The playlist consisted of
15 Avril Lavigne Songs (You're wondering, she has written 15 whole songs? No. She doesn't write them. And yes it included skater boi)
6 Incubus Songs (There probably should have been more incubus songs than Avril songs)
2 working Death Cab for Cutie songs
2 Radiohead songs
1 Non working Death Cab For cutie Song(s)
1 Taking Back Sunday Song
and 1 Foreigner song. (Yes, it was cold as ice. Yes, that song is about me. And the weather tonight.)
That totalled out to be 1 hour, and 54 minutes. However, at one point I ran out of batteries, so walked all the way home to get mine (which was an Alkaline battery, strange.) which was I'd say about 5 extra minutes, and I listened to both Death Cab songs over again, 1 Avril song over, and 1 Incubus song over. I think I was outside walking for 2 and a half hours, and I never stopped.
I thought a lot. Obviously. I feel good. I feel high. I feel right.
I feel relaxed.
Let me first start off about the thing that was mostly on my mind this walk.
Relationships?
I've been feeling very apathetic lately. I called it apathy anyway. It's not that I don't care. I'm not apathetic. I'm relaxed. I feel really safe. Like no matter what happens I can't feel bad. Maybe this is just because I basically only just started dating Christopher, and haven't had the chance to really see him. But it feels pretty good. I'm going to try and see him this week just to shake the weirdness off, but I might find out that relationships aren't my thing. I mean seriously. Maybe not. I used to think that was just a silly thought. But now it's like I met Chris and he's a great guy, we have a lot in common and he's exactly what I could possibly ask for in a guy. But I still don't know if I really...care. It's nice to have someone I know is there for me. But I have friends for that. I have friends that live down the road for that.
This feeling makes me feel bad about dating him at all although I want to. I want to push on just to see where it takes me, or if I ever feel different. It's a good chance. But maybe...maybe I'll never stop feeling this way. Who knows. It's nothing terrible. If I find out that I am incapable of being in a relationship than I wont feel bad about it. It's nothing I've done, it's who I am and it's kind of nice.
I finally picked a song from the play list that mostly tells what I think about all of this. The Death Cab for Cutie Cover of Bjork's All if Full of Love.
Youll be given love
Youll be taken care of
Youll be given love
You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources
Youve poured yours
Into
Maybe not
From the directions
You are
Staring at
Twist your head around
Its all around you
All is full of love
All around you
All is full of love
You just aint receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love
I'd rather just not focus in on one person for the reast of my life. It's true, love is everywhere.
Topic Dos
Sex?
I haven't quite decided weather or not I really beleive it's a marriage thing or a maturity thing. I can understand it being for a maturity thing, however. For me though? It would seem a lot more special if it were a marriage thing. Will I last in todays world? No. Do I care? No. Yes it's a maturity thing, fine. However I'm mature and I just don't feel like I care for it right now. Not at all. I don't have any intrest in it, I don't have anyone I want to share the experience with, I otherwise think it would be frightening to wonder aobut why I skip periods for months again, and I think it'll be terrible to live with that when the rest of my family has been so good about it and I know there are other guys out there who can wait. So there's no benefit for me to do it any time soon. Make someone else happy? Maybe. Maybe later? Not now. I don't care right now. And that's just how I feel. It's not about you know "Well you're 18 so..get on the ball.." It's not about whether I should or should not. It's not about how I even feel about myself physically. I just don't feel like I want to. Someday I will. Thats all there is to it.
School?
It rocks. Shoot me if I start to slack.
I finally talked to my Psychology teacher about the correct career path I should take and she really put me in the right direction. She made me feel pretty good. "I think your idea is VERY focused and inline to where Psychology and industry are going in the future." Sounds like I'm on a good track. 6 years of college though. I think I can manage. Randalls is sending me to a design class on Wednesday, and I'll probably have to keep going on Wednesdays, maybe. Not sure. But maybe I'll be able to stick with Randalls until I'm out of college, I'll make a good deal of money. Especially after taking the class.
speaking of work.
Work is great. We have a new girl, her name is Jessica. She's a great person and she's happy to have someone around who's a little younger, and I'm happy to have her there too. Today I beleive someone from Kemah walked passed me who I used to work with. One of the girls I ran away from. Lucky for me, I was training the new girl so she was probably thinking I'm a manager, and I wasn't sounding bossy or anything. I don't know, rarely this happens where i think they might judge me in a way that's better than true. Like normally something like that would happen while my manager is actually yelling at me, and she'd laugh and think life's okay. Ya know?
Sadly I didn't exactly get paid enough to get my bike it's tune up. Who knows, i'll try to get it done this week if I can because I only work 1 day other than that class. Well, I work Wednesday but I count that for this week, they don't.
Anyway. Things really are fantastic.
I'm going to bed now. Hopeuflly the weather's okay tomorrow. I'll porobably go to Galveston regardless. Leave me commmmments cause my el jay is lacking.
15 Avril Lavigne Songs (You're wondering, she has written 15 whole songs? No. She doesn't write them. And yes it included skater boi)
6 Incubus Songs (There probably should have been more incubus songs than Avril songs)
2 working Death Cab for Cutie songs
2 Radiohead songs
1 Non working Death Cab For cutie Song(s)
1 Taking Back Sunday Song
and 1 Foreigner song. (Yes, it was cold as ice. Yes, that song is about me. And the weather tonight.)
That totalled out to be 1 hour, and 54 minutes. However, at one point I ran out of batteries, so walked all the way home to get mine (which was an Alkaline battery, strange.) which was I'd say about 5 extra minutes, and I listened to both Death Cab songs over again, 1 Avril song over, and 1 Incubus song over. I think I was outside walking for 2 and a half hours, and I never stopped.
I thought a lot. Obviously. I feel good. I feel high. I feel right.
I feel relaxed.
Let me first start off about the thing that was mostly on my mind this walk.
Relationships?
I've been feeling very apathetic lately. I called it apathy anyway. It's not that I don't care. I'm not apathetic. I'm relaxed. I feel really safe. Like no matter what happens I can't feel bad. Maybe this is just because I basically only just started dating Christopher, and haven't had the chance to really see him. But it feels pretty good. I'm going to try and see him this week just to shake the weirdness off, but I might find out that relationships aren't my thing. I mean seriously. Maybe not. I used to think that was just a silly thought. But now it's like I met Chris and he's a great guy, we have a lot in common and he's exactly what I could possibly ask for in a guy. But I still don't know if I really...care. It's nice to have someone I know is there for me. But I have friends for that. I have friends that live down the road for that.
This feeling makes me feel bad about dating him at all although I want to. I want to push on just to see where it takes me, or if I ever feel different. It's a good chance. But maybe...maybe I'll never stop feeling this way. Who knows. It's nothing terrible. If I find out that I am incapable of being in a relationship than I wont feel bad about it. It's nothing I've done, it's who I am and it's kind of nice.
I finally picked a song from the play list that mostly tells what I think about all of this. The Death Cab for Cutie Cover of Bjork's All if Full of Love.
Youll be given love
Youll be taken care of
Youll be given love
You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources
Youve poured yours
Into
Maybe not
From the directions
You are
Staring at
Twist your head around
Its all around you
All is full of love
All around you
All is full of love
You just aint receiving
All is full of love
Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love
I'd rather just not focus in on one person for the reast of my life. It's true, love is everywhere.
Topic Dos
Sex?
I haven't quite decided weather or not I really beleive it's a marriage thing or a maturity thing. I can understand it being for a maturity thing, however. For me though? It would seem a lot more special if it were a marriage thing. Will I last in todays world? No. Do I care? No. Yes it's a maturity thing, fine. However I'm mature and I just don't feel like I care for it right now. Not at all. I don't have any intrest in it, I don't have anyone I want to share the experience with, I otherwise think it would be frightening to wonder aobut why I skip periods for months again, and I think it'll be terrible to live with that when the rest of my family has been so good about it and I know there are other guys out there who can wait. So there's no benefit for me to do it any time soon. Make someone else happy? Maybe. Maybe later? Not now. I don't care right now. And that's just how I feel. It's not about you know "Well you're 18 so..get on the ball.." It's not about whether I should or should not. It's not about how I even feel about myself physically. I just don't feel like I want to. Someday I will. Thats all there is to it.
School?
It rocks. Shoot me if I start to slack.
I finally talked to my Psychology teacher about the correct career path I should take and she really put me in the right direction. She made me feel pretty good. "I think your idea is VERY focused and inline to where Psychology and industry are going in the future." Sounds like I'm on a good track. 6 years of college though. I think I can manage. Randalls is sending me to a design class on Wednesday, and I'll probably have to keep going on Wednesdays, maybe. Not sure. But maybe I'll be able to stick with Randalls until I'm out of college, I'll make a good deal of money. Especially after taking the class.
speaking of work.
Work is great. We have a new girl, her name is Jessica. She's a great person and she's happy to have someone around who's a little younger, and I'm happy to have her there too. Today I beleive someone from Kemah walked passed me who I used to work with. One of the girls I ran away from. Lucky for me, I was training the new girl so she was probably thinking I'm a manager, and I wasn't sounding bossy or anything. I don't know, rarely this happens where i think they might judge me in a way that's better than true. Like normally something like that would happen while my manager is actually yelling at me, and she'd laugh and think life's okay. Ya know?
Sadly I didn't exactly get paid enough to get my bike it's tune up. Who knows, i'll try to get it done this week if I can because I only work 1 day other than that class. Well, I work Wednesday but I count that for this week, they don't.
Anyway. Things really are fantastic.
I'm going to bed now. Hopeuflly the weather's okay tomorrow. I'll porobably go to Galveston regardless. Leave me commmmments cause my el jay is lacking.